Broke NC today. Got a surprise and an curious now.

[Think About It...]

I haven't initiated an interaction with my uBPDexgf until today. For six weeks since the breakup (she instantly rebounded with another guy), the only interaction has been at her instigation via instant messaging. Mostly exchanges of funny photos and a few issues with exchanging some remaining personal belongings. One rather confusing exchange about her suddenly wanting to turn up at a music gig where I was at, which she ended up not doing but messaged the following day to ask how it was and excuse herself for not appearing because she didn't know where the venue was (lie). Two of the messages she sent over the period resulted in me pouring out feelings that only escalated into an argument. All of the points I raised that I believe cannot be answered sanely were ignored, and both times the exchanges ended when she stopped responding. Through all this, I have not initiated contact with her. Only responded to her messages, and done so briefly apart from the two times I lost it and got emotional. These emotional outbursts seems to have curtailed her desire to send me random messages.

So, today, I break NC. Oops. I sent her a funny photo. Of a cat. We both love cats. Note that the new guy is allergic to them, which astounds me since she loves cats so much and couldn't handle being separated from her cat for any reason. She replied to my funny photo with a pleasant comment, invoking her cat, and that was that. Or so I thought. About two hours later, unexpectedly, I get a new message from her. It's a photo of a lovely little kitten that strayed into her house a few weeks before we broke up. We both bonded very strongly with it and were thinking about ways to keep it when out of the blue her housemates decided to get rid of it. They advertised it and gave it away to a family. I was present when the kitten was given away, and I could see that it made my ex immensely sad at the loss. I too was also sad.

Anyway, the picture today was one I hadn't seen before. It was of me playing with the kitten on her bed. Only my hands could be seen. It's a lovely photo, and brought back fond memories of the kitten. Which brings me to the point of this ramble. I've gotten the feeling that borderlines have a capacity to switch off emotions or perhaps simply be unable to sustain them. Out of sight is out of mind for them when it comes to objects they have previously expressed attachment, affection, and/or love for. This appears to be clearly not so if she sent me this photo. Surely she must be missing the kitten and pining over the way it was taken from us. I see the image as a metaphor for us and the abrupt end to our relationship. In fact I find it almost impossible for anyone, BPD or otherwise, to not see it as a metaphor for us. The kitten was taken away and given to someone else. She was taken away (perhaps by her own forced hand to avoid abandonment), and she gave herself to someone else. My question is this. Does it seem appropriate for a pwBPD to feel attachment, longing, loss, etc. over this kitten, and by implication over me too? Or is it possible that she would simply say to herself "Oh, there's a photo of the kitten we had when we were together. I'll send that to him. He likes cats". I find it hard to believe there's no real emotion or empathy for the loss of the kitten, and I cannot ignore the metaphor that the loss is really about our separation. But could she?

I find this to be quite confusing. I cried when I saw the photo. The loss of the kitten was sad for me, and it brought back strong memories of what I've lost by no longer being with her. The loss of the kitten was sad but bearable, but the loss of her is devastating to me right now. I know I'm not supposed to assume that she sees things the same way I do, but she took the initiative to send the photo. What are the chances that she is feeling something for the loss of the kitten and wants me to infer that she also feels the loss of me? I know this doesn't necessarily mean she wants the kitten or me back, but I'd like to know what people think of the intensity of emotion and empathy that can be sustained for objects (kittens, me) that are no longer present in a pwBPD's life.

[gnosis]

I haven't initiated an interaction with my uBPDexgf until today. For six weeks since the breakup (she instantly rebounded with another guy), the only interaction has been at her instigation via instant messaging. Mostly exchanges of funny photos and a few issues with exchanging some remaining personal belongings. One rather confusing exchange about her suddenly wanting to turn up at a music gig where I was at, which she ended up not doing but messaged the following day to ask how it was and excuse herself for not appearing because she didn't know where the venue was (lie). Two of the messages she sent over the period resulted in me pouring out feelings that only escalated into an argument. All of the points I raised that I believe cannot be answered sanely were ignored, and both times the exchanges ended when she stopped responding. Through all this, I have not initiated contact with her. Only responded to her messages, and done so briefly apart from the two times I lost it and got emotional. These emotional outbursts seems to have curtailed her desire to send me random messages.

So, today, I break NC. Oops. I sent her a funny photo. Of a cat. We both love cats. Note that the new guy is allergic to them, which astounds me since she loves cats so much and couldn't handle being separated from her cat for any reason. She replied to my funny photo with a pleasant comment, invoking her cat, and that was that. Or so I thought. About two hours later, unexpectedly, I get a new message from her. It's a photo of a lovely little kitten that strayed into her house a few weeks before we broke up. We both bonded very strongly with it and were thinking about ways to keep it when out of the blue her housemates decided to get rid of it. They advertised it and gave it away to a family. I was present when the kitten was given away, and I could see that it made my ex immensely sad at the loss. I too was also sad.

Anyway, the picture today was one I hadn't seen before. It was of me playing with the kitten on her bed. Only my hands could be seen. It's a lovely photo, and brought back fond memories of the kitten. Which brings me to the point of this ramble. I've gotten the feeling that borderlines have a capacity to switch off emotions or perhaps simply be unable to sustain them. Out of sight is out of mind for them when it comes to objects they have previously expressed attachment, affection, and/or love for. This appears to be clearly not so if she sent me this photo. Surely she must be missing the kitten and pining over the way it was taken from us. I see the image as a metaphor for us and the abrupt end to our relationship. In fact I find it almost impossible for anyone, BPD or otherwise, to not see it as a metaphor for us. The kitten was taken away and given to someone else. She was taken away (perhaps by her own forced hand to avoid abandonment), and she gave herself to someone else. My question is this. Does it seem appropriate for a pwBPD to feel attachment, longing, loss, etc. over this kitten, and by implication over me too? Or is it possible that she would simply say to herself "Oh, there's a photo of the kitten we had when we were together. I'll send that to him. He likes cats". I find it hard to believe there's no real emotion or empathy for the loss of the kitten, and I cannot ignore the metaphor that the loss is really about our separation. But could she?

I find this to be quite confusing. I cried when I saw the photo. The loss of the kitten was sad for me, and it brought back strong memories of what I've lost by no longer being with her. The loss of the kitten was sad but bearable, but the loss of her is devastating to me right now. I know I'm not supposed to assume that she sees things the same way I do, but she took the initiative to send the photo. What are the chances that she is feeling something for the loss of the kitten and wants me to infer that she also feels the loss of me? I know this doesn't necessarily mean she wants the kitten or me back, but I'd like to know what people think of the intensity of emotion and empathy that can be sustained for objects (kittens, me) that are no longer present in a pwBPD's life.

[OnceConfused]

Get back to the basics.

1. Why did you leave the r.s in the first place?

2. Why do you want to come back? What is your expectation when or if you come back?

3. Has she changed or have you changed from the person(s) that make the split?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[gnosis]

Get back to the basics.

1. Why did you leave the r.s in the first place?

2. Why do you want to come back? What is your expectation when or if you come back?

3. Has she changed or have you changed from the person(s) that make the split?

1. She left me, but I feel that in the few days preceeding her asking me to leave I acted for the first time since I met her in ways that could be interpreted by her as abandonment.

2. I'm trying to decide if I should want to get back together. My expectation is that we can both work to understand each other and our own issues better.

3. I expect that she's still the same person but I have learned that she is probably BPD. I am different in that I have become aware of my insatiable addiction to her.

This post is about trying to understand the motivations of my ex when sending me an image that suggests that she misses me. I'd like to focus on the specifics of that act and what it may mean. I want to try to understand her mindset more. This is the only way I will be able to know if re-engaging with her is the right thing to do. Everyone is telling me to run for the hills, and I am experiencing the longest and deepest depression of my life due to our separation. I am addicted, but to what? There are many extremely negative interpretations of BPD behaviour expressed on this site. Most flatly state that a pwBPD either does not have any motivation other than to please themselves. That they have no empathy for others in their lives. That they basically don't miss anyone if they've moved on to someone else unless they decide to come back of their own accord. So with this in mind, I want to know why my ex (presumably BPD) would share a photo with me that represents an emotional loss for both of us, and is likely a metaphor for our loss. Why express this if I'm painted black? Is it just manipulation to keep me as the fallback guy? Is there genuine loss and longing being expressed in the sharing of the image? Is she not actually BPD at all, and if so would staying NC with her be the worst thing to do?

[OnceConfused]

1. She initiated the break up so in a sense, she was in control of the relationship. Because you were dumped and thus you are still searching for the closure. Her mind was made up but yours still is in limbo.

2. We can all guess why she sent you the image of the lost cat. Based on my own experience, I can tell you that my xBPDgf played the game of I-leave-you-but-here-are-some-crumbs-of-hope. She kept in contact with the xbfs and other guys while we were heavily in bed. Why she did that even she had no feelings for them? I can only guess that she wanted the feeling on control, of knowing she can still affect your emotions even when she is not with you any more.

3. You are very confused about what the message she tried to sent you. Well, that is why dealing with BPD is so hard and confusing. Of my part, I had to seek therapy only after 5 weeks of knowing her. I did not know which way is up or down as one moment we were talking long term (moving in together) and then the next moment she stomped away, mad from something I had said. One day she was writing poems about traveling the world with me, the next day, she was mad because I was too tight with my money even just after I had given 25K to fix her house.

4. BPD is very cunning at fooling you and at making you believe BPD has lots of compassion. One day, my xBPDgf told her that I would need to take care of my children since their mom jus died 1 year earlier, the next day, she called them b*tches. One day, she got mad because I wanted to leave my late wife's 401K to my children if I die. The xBPDgf wanted it all for herself.

[Gaslit]

My BPD "Friend" for lack of a better word, loves animals. And is way more compassionate to animals than to people. Though I some get the impression she thinks animals are people.

In any case, I think you are projecting your own feelings and desires on to her. I personally think she is playing you. Keeping you around for secondary supply.

[KrazyKatSis]

Hi Gnosis,

Here's another viewpoint. My dBPDsis has always strung her ex-bf's and ex-husbands along with any ploy she could find. Because she has BPD, she believes that her motives are innocent. She would use photo's of animals they shared, photo's of stepchildren, photo's of anything. She says she loves animals, but she loves them because they love her unconditionally, just like she loves babies until they can talk. Several times she has gotten too many animals and has had to euthanize them because of overcrowding litterbox issues or untrained aggressive canine behavior. It doesn't matter if anyone advises her not to keep an animal, she has to have that love and dependency on her.

Good luck.

[oletimefeelin]

I feel for you.  You are in the spot where you are analyzing her every action.  It's likely to spin you around in circles because they make no sense.  Try to get away from doing this.

This woman is with someone else, right?  You are letting her wean off of you while she attaches to the new person.  She has you on call to take a stroll down memory lane whenever she wants.

My advice to you would be the same if she were diagnosed/suspected to have this disorder or not.  Walk away.  She's with someone else.

If you want to get back with an ex you need to be attractive.  Falling into these maudlin moments may feel like bonding to you, but there's an extremely high probability here that this means almost nothing to her.  She wants to feel spark like she did when she first met you.  She doesn't want to see or hear you get all weepy about a kitten.  This is harsh but the truth.
 

[suz124w]

Gnosis,

I'm sorry to say that I think your ex is either stringing you along by appealing to your compassionate nature with the kitten photo or simply hasn't given the matter much thought - certainly nowhere near the weighting you have given it.

From personal experience, BPDs have very shallow, superficial (if intense) emotions.  Their emotions do not go that deep unless they are self-serving.

In my own case, I told my ex how much my dogs meant to me when I first met him.  He immediately went out and bought them a new bed, toys, food etc.  He was always playing with one of the dogs in particular and seemed to bond with it very much.  Later I inherited a cat which reminded him of a cat he had as a child and he was extremely bonded with her to the point of being annoying.  He slept with the cat curled round his hand, he burst into tears once when the cat hadn't come home at night etc.  Once we split however, it was like these animals had never existed.  He did come to my home once to collect something and said a quick hello to the animals but I was astonished to see how he seemed to have cut off.  It was like he knew them only vaguely and had very little attachment to them.

Later, in a phone call, he asked after 'the old boy', one of the dogs. But only in the passing.  When he was in the relationship with me, he constantly photographed these animals and this dog in particular and had a photo of him as his screensaver. 

I really feel that the animals if there are any, our possessions, attributes and even us their partners are considered as some kind of accessories!  Interestingly, when we split my ex made reference to my 'big house and the dogs' as if these were benefits in the relationship.   But at the end of the day he could so easily shut down his feelings for me and for everything in my life and move on to a new chapter.  Maybe the new love interest will have other, different 'accessories' which he will embrace devotedly FOR THE DURATION OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

I think in your situation you are understandably interpreting the kitten photo in a certain way but you are projecting your own strength and depth of feeling and compassion onto the actions of your ex.  Believe me, she is not that deep and you are wasting your time trying to understand her motivations.  If there are indeed any, they will be purely selfishand not about you at all!

p.s.  You say the kitten was taken away and rehomed.  So, the story has a happy ending.  Try thinking of yourself as that kitten who has been dumped.  I hope you find a happier home too.  I'm almost 100% certain it will not be with your ex. 

I certainly hope not, for your sake.  You sound like a lovely, caring person to me and you would be denying so many parts of yourself to stay in a relationship with a damaged person like your ex.

[gnosis]

Gaslit, KrazyKatSis, oletimefeelin, suz124w, I hear you all and I believe you are all right on the money. I've been watching her communications closely since the breakup, and there's not a shred of emotion in any of it. She keeps introducing elements into the communications that represent "us" to me, but unless I see emotion attached to those communications, I'm siding with you guys. She's stringing me along.

Here's a thought. How are they so good at choosing the comments and images that will provoke an emotional response in us when they seem to be completely disconnected from those emotions themselves? That's quite a conjurer's trick, don't you think?

[Gaslit]

How are they so good at choosing the comments and images that will provoke an emotional response in us when they seem to be completely disconnected from those emotions themselves? That's quite a conjurer's trick, don't you think?

If you spent for whole life faking empathy, I think you would get pretty good at it. So, why would one want to become good at it?

So they can get their OWN needs met. Again, it goes back to them and them only. So in other words, she's an expert at invoking your emotions, to fill her needs. But she only uses that skill, when she is in need. When she's not, she doesn't "try" and what you see is not an awesome person. She has to try, has to want to try, because it is all fake.

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