Is there an answer?

[Think About It....]

Heron-I'm just not feeling very hopeful right now.  I dont know what to do to make the situation better.  My husband thinks we should encourage her to get her license.  I did sign her up for driving school but after a few "in class" she decided she didnt need that since she already had her temps.  I then signed her up for just the in car lessons and after 2 she insisted that she could pass her test, which she failed miserably.  Her meltdown in her dads car was so bad he thought she was going to break the side window.  She was screaming so loudly that people were starring-he was worried that someone would call 911.  Im afraid her license will just give us something else to argue about.  When and where she drives the car, etc.  She is on meds am and pm, and the dr. insists that WE administer them.  The problem is, she wants to spend the night with friends, etc.  I get that, but then what do we do?  I sometimes end up just telling him to make the decision cos I dont care.  Im sorry to whine, I know we ALL have these problems.

[kellygirl601]

Heron-I'm just not feeling very hopeful right now.  I dont know what to do to make the situation better.  My husband thinks we should encourage her to get her license.  I did sign her up for driving school but after a few "in class" she decided she didnt need that since she already had her temps.  I then signed her up for just the in car lessons and after 2 she insisted that she could pass her test, which she failed miserably.  Her meltdown in her dads car was so bad he thought she was going to break the side window.  She was screaming so loudly that people were starring-he was worried that someone would call 911.  Im afraid her license will just give us something else to argue about.  When and where she drives the car, etc.  She is on meds am and pm, and the dr. insists that WE administer them.  The problem is, she wants to spend the night with friends, etc.  I get that, but then what do we do?  I sometimes end up just telling him to make the decision cos I dont care.  Im sorry to whine, I know we ALL have these problems.

[cfh]

kellygirl601
My pwBPD is my 29 year old son.  He has not lived with us for the past 3 months and when he did it was hell.  I know what "no life" feels like.  It was so bad with us that my husband and I had to take turns going anywhere overnight because we couldn't leave him alone in the house.  He doesn't drive because I won't pay his parking tickets so his license is suspended.  He's quite brilliant but there is no way he will ever get a 4 year degree.  He tried college once and lasted 3 months.  He's currently on probation in another state and any violation will send him to jail.
So last week I decided I needed to start seeing my old therapist again...because I do need a life!  Even though he doesn't live with us the fear I feel everyday when the phone rings is so unhealthy for me.  I'm not very optimistic about my son's future but I've devoted my life to him and to trying to find help for him.  I  have actually found lots of help for him-the problem is that it hasn't helped him.  And I sure have wanted to run away many times.
So now it's time to help me.  My therapist is encouraging me to face my worst fear-his death because that could become a reality. She said one way or the other my life has to go on.  And I need to stay happy and healthy for my other son and grandson. It's going to take a lot to work to get  to the "happy" part.
Sunday night I went out with two girlfriends and we listened to a band, had some wine, danced with each other (something I hadn't done in a very long time) and it was so much fun! Who cares if we looked like jerks. For a few hours I forgot all my troubles and just partied.
So while there may not be an answer you deserve a break from it all.  Watching her 24/7 is exhausting and heartbreaking. 
Find something that will take you away from it all even for just a couple of hours.  You might be surprised to find you still know how to laugh. This is the toughest job in the world!

[heronbird]

Sorry, I just dont get the driving thing. In UK dd is not allowed to drive with BPD. I am so pleased too. I would never be supporting that for dd. I know a lady age 52, she has BPD and drives, dont know how she got a licence, she told me she was so tempted to drive on the wrong side of the road the other day, she said she nearly couldnt stop the urge but managed to just about.

Actually, it may be the meds she is on that make her not able to get her licence.

cfh
I dont agree with your T. You cant say your son is more likely to die than any other pwBPD. My dd tried to kill herself about 12 times in just over a year, the last one she nearly managed, I nearly lost her, I saved her actually. After that, I did exactly what your P said because our P said my dds prognosis was very bad. I was imagining her funeral, Id walk past grave yards and see new graves and think that could be me there, Id go everyday blah blah blah.

That was 8 months ago, and she has had more good days since then than bad. OK, shes been really bad too, I do have a dilema about the issue but most people dont like it.

Did you ever look into ASPD for your son? also btw, must be so horrible worring about your son so much,   

[cfh]

heronbird
ASPD?  Do you mean anti social personality disorder?  If so he was also diagnosed with "traits" of aspd.  When I started to read about it it really freaked me out. 
I think my therapist was trying to get me to talk about the possibility of death because like kellygirl I had (have) no life. I was obsessing on it every day like is today the day?  Also I was recently diagnosed with early stage cancer, had surgery and I'm fine. 
But honestly when I heard the diagnosis I was kind of like "oh well".  I knew that was not a very healthy way to be thinking which is another reason I decided to start seeing my therapist again.  She really wasn't saying that my son IS going to die but that whatever happens, I need to want to live.  It's all very emotionally exhausting for all of us because every day is different and there are so few breaks.  This board is my free therapy.

[Vivgood]

Sunday night I went out with two girlfriends and we listened to a band, had some wine, danced with each other (something I hadn't done in a very long time) and it was so much fun!

Oh that sounds like a blast! And good for you! so think of it as therapeutic club-hopping

It sounds like you have a good therapist; insightful and brave...as are you!

Life can be worth living.


vivgood

[heronbird]

cfh, yes I did mean antisocial PD, I know it sounds awfull, I learnt on a course that aspd is 70% boys and BPD is 70% girls, so BPD is the girls version of aspd, so they are both the same but a bit different, like adhd is different in boys and girls, I think girls seem to do things in a quieter way or behind closed doors, boys might punch someone

Yes, I know your P wasnt saying that he is going to die really. But, I did that myself, you know, tried to prepare myself for dds death. It was pointless in some ways, I still lived my life either way. I promised myself I would keep up two hobbies and my job if nothing else. I was told by many doctors to keep my hobbies up and still take holidays because I cant put my whole life on hold. Good advice I think.

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[cfh]

HB
It's so interesting because we adopted our son and so many pdocs over the years have asked if we had any info on his bio father...we don't.  Now I know why they were asking.  I don't think my son is a full blown pwaspd.  He does feel empathy, regret and he has a conscience.  But his frontal lobe impairment causes so many problems.  He's not violent but to hear him talk you would think he were an ax murderer...it's all bravado in my opinion.  He's so scared all the time he tries to talk tough.

[heronbird]

Oh no then if he has empathy, that is more BPD, I guess we can see here why its hard to diagnose eh

A lot of the PDs cross over and the more you try to think about it the more confussed we get. I leave that bit to the docs.

I noticed that my dd seems HPD too, I would just ask the doc about that, but I think they deal with that side of it well.

Hope things improve soon for your situation.

You know they ask about his father, well isnt it true that BPD skips a generation?

 Im not sure, I guess its now always black and white, well mental health never ever is actually is it.

One of my children had dyslexia, for two years no one wanted to acknowlege that at school, she became increasingly frustrated to the point she was being labled as a naughty rebelious child, I heard of some children in this situation being refered to a behavioural unit yet when treated for dyslexia, (meeting their needs) given the stratagies they need and being validated their behaviour was fine.

You know the scinario.

I bet they do  keep asking about the bio father, gosh I got sick of them asking how the birth was, in the end I used to just say fine, even though it wasnt. They wanted to focus on that and waste of time, why, no point eh.

[mikmik]

kellygirl,

I get stuck sometimes too, and find that I isolate myself.  I do go to the gym at least three times a week.. get together a few times a month with a friend or two.  I almost wish I could have the summer off to help dd.  I know this disorder zaps me and makes me just want to hide.  The rational part of my mind knows this is wrong, but I am so tired and I give into that.  However, I do find that I enjoy my time out when I do it.  It is just getting there, isn't it?

The countdown to summer classes starting at college is here.  Classes begin Tuesday.  She is stating that she is feeling very anxious and the thing is, she just does not want to leave the house.  Her T is back in a week plus a few day.  And I have her seeing an acupuncturist (I will try anything).  I mentioned before that my dd is very similar to yours.  She does not want to leave the house, she eats and eats, she does stuff on her computer.  She will RARELY do anything I ask as far as helping around. BUT, I am hoping she will go to class on Tuesday.  I know I may be setting myself up for disappointment..

Where does it stand at this moment with your dd?  Will she help with dishes?  Animals? 

mikmik

[vivekananda]

hb, it's my experience that PDs don't skip generations. My mum, my sister and my dd. BPD/NPDs. yuk.

mikmik, my girl at home did nothing much to help - unless there was a special reason for her to do it - eg if she wanted something. I always thought it was my fault for not involving her more when she was little...

kellygirl, I hope you have come to understand that you do have a life to live to its fullest. But also know that there will always be a hurt spot for your dd and that is sort of unavoidable. Kellygirl this is your opportunity to make yourself a happy person. Do not let the BPD etc define who you are. You need to be the best person you can be for your dd when she needs you, anyway. And I would avoid anything that she didn't ask for herslef. And I would seriously assess what I would give and not give. I think you are right to expect that a drivers licence would only be a further rod for your back. Another thing to worry about.

    

[kellygirl601]

I am now off for about 6 weeks.  Work is my therapy, so that is a struggle.  Today her Dad took her to sign up for ss disability.  I am in Ohio.  I know nothing about this kind of thing.  She has been hospitalized 14x in the past 5 year so I am assuming she will get it.  But then what?  She still will not have a life or things to look forward to.  Are we wrong to use this money for past medical bills?  We are so in debt over this...  Being home is making me nuts. She wont stop talking to let me read, watch a show...nothing..

[vivekananda]

Kellygirl, I read my last post and please accept my apology for 'telling you what to do'.

Your situation right now sounds so horrible. I do hope you can get to work and escape cos it seems you do need respite.

We all do what we can with our situations, we can do no more. I think the hard part for me was recognising my limitations.

It seems to me you are really feeling the squeeze right now and I am sending you strength across the internet.

That and lots of love 

[mikmik]

kellygirl,

What an awful stuck place to be in.  We all get the fantasy of filling up the gas tank, and just driving away, anywhere but here.  All the suggestions by well meaning friend, work associates (MAKE her get a job, MAKE her go to school).  Yeah, right.  Try to make a full grown lion, trapped in a small cage, write the next great American Novel.  That would be easier than making a pwBPD do what you want, or think is best for them to do.

It is hard, cuz truthfully, no matter where we go, we can never get away from ourselves.  Our pwBPD never really leave every cell of our bodies.  Their essence travels with us.  But can you physically get away from her to a Starbucks to sit in a comfy chair and read?  Reading sounds like your escape, and that you just need a place to do it with some peace.  There is no magic wand for us to make it all better.  Keep posting.  What is on your reading list for summer?

mikmik

[kellygirl601]

I do have alone time in the morning. She is on this cycle where she stays up late/sleeps in.  I have just started reading a book by Joyce Meyer.  Cant remember the title but its about controlling our feelings and emotions.  I love listening to Joyce.  She is so uplifting.

[Rhymes w/Orange]

For those who have adult children who can't handle working, etc...
What about volunteering? Perhaps there is some type of cause they feel interested in, and could help out in some way a couple hours at a time, even once a week. Having something that's not too long or frequent of a time commitment, but still somewhat predictable schedule might help boost mood and confidence. Plus maybe in a volunteer environment they wouldn't have so much stress or pressure. And people are usually grateful for volunteer helpers, the gratitude could be encouraging to them. It is not an answer, but it might be a bridge to an answer.

[pattyt]

Wonderful suggestion!  I know stage productions are always needing volunteers to seat people, then the volunteers get to see the show, too.  This might be a good one.

[vivekananda]

maybe you could volunteer until you return to work? Get out of the house for a bit...? Meet some different people... How about long 2 hour walks? What about reading a detective story, a romance, something light?

ohoh there I go telling you what to do again... please take them as suggestions to be discarded as appropriate 

Mikmik is oh so right. We can never get away from our children because they are embedded in us. Even when they are not physically present they are with us.

 

[qcarolr]

DD26 - "VOLUNTEER - no way. I am not doing something for nothing!"  Yikes - yet she is so very good at doing nothing for everything. At least she is being a friend for gd right now - like this moment. The 12 year old neighbor friend is coming to be with gd while I go to my swimming aerobic class for an hour. DD is to be the 'supervising adult presence'. ie. don't let gd manipulate the babysitter too much. And this playdate is only costing me $6. It is only an hour.

Hang in there all my friends.

qcr

[mikmik]

qcr,

What price freedom!  And my dd would say the same thing, Do something for nothing?  Unless it meant saving  animals, that is a different story.  I am hoping I can just get her to attend an 8 week summer session at college.  Not worrying about a job yet.  Just need to get through today.

mikmik

[vivekananda]

my dd31 couldn't make the commitment at the moment. She can't get up (I suspect). Depression, I think, is so deep at the moment. It's winter here, she probably has been unwell for weeks with coughs and colds. But she is not responding to texts or calls, so I a guessing. We did suggest volunteering, she did it once, loved it - didn't bother anymore. oh dear.