I just want him

[Think About It...]

I don't care what he did, what he's doing. I was happier with him and maybe I just need him and I should just accept him the way he is... whatever small piece of himself he can give to me. I'm not angry with him, he can't help the way he is. I can't bear to live without him and I can't get over him ever. Maybe I even get off on the way he treats me or something. I can live with it. He needs me. He's better off with me in his life. I know I will never feel this way about anyone ever again, this is my last chance.

These are all the things I'm thinking. Only one thing is holding me back from calling him and begging him to take me back like I've done every other time we broke up.

My kids... I know they shouldn't have to live with his problems. He sucks every bit of energy I have and demands I take care of him before I take care of them. He gets angry with them. But he loves them too.

I'm so tired and hopeless tonight I can't see straight.

[Dera]

I don't care what he did, what he's doing. I was happier with him and maybe I just need him and I should just accept him the way he is... whatever small piece of himself he can give to me. I'm not angry with him, he can't help the way he is. I can't bear to live without him and I can't get over him ever. Maybe I even get off on the way he treats me or something. I can live with it. He needs me. He's better off with me in his life. I know I will never feel this way about anyone ever again, this is my last chance.

These are all the things I'm thinking. Only one thing is holding me back from calling him and begging him to take me back like I've done every other time we broke up.

My kids... I know they shouldn't have to live with his problems. He sucks every bit of energy I have and demands I take care of him before I take care of them. He gets angry with them. But he loves them too.

I'm so tired and hopeless tonight I can't see straight.

[Slowlybutsurely]

My advice is to stay strong, and do not contact him.

For the sake of your kids. Kids are so precious and amazing and vulnerable, and they need you to protect them and keep their best interests in mind. I know people who for various reasons were not there for their kids when they were at home, and who did not keep their best interests in mind, and the regret and guilt they feel is awful to contemplate. How does one get over that kind of sadness and regret, since you can't get the time back with your kids, and they are only kids once, and then have to spend the rest of their life being adults, with all that comes with that. They deserve the best childhood they can possibly have and that you can provide for them. Life is rough once you leave childhood (as we can all attest...). Please give your kids the best and do your best to get over this person who you love, but who can never give you or your kids the life you deserve. You will regret it immensely if you don't, based on what I've seen of people who have put partners before their kids.
Hang in there...

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Slowlybutsurely]

I also wanted to say that you WILL get over him, eventually. It make take a while... as most of us can attest to. This whole process absolutely is as painful as anything I've ever gone through. But the alternative? To live a life of unhappiness, stress, and chaos? It isn't worth it, but you know that. 

When you are in the midst of this, it truly does feel that it will never get better, and that the ex is the ONE and only one for you. I feel that still sometimes, and it has been a long time. But those moments are fewer now, and I can see things with more perspective. Sometimes you just have to do the 'right' thing, logically, and trust that your heart will eventually catch up. It's a matter of self-preservation, even though at this point, you feel you can't survive well without him. But we all know how the story ends if you stay. You might go on the 'staying' board and read what the people there go through. It is not a pretty picture. Each time I find myself longing to be with her again in a serious way, I read on that board and I am very quickly sobered up. It's quite awful. Check it out if you haven't.
Hang in there...

[Carri1]

I felt the same way and I gave into it.  He called one Sunday morning and yes I answered it...didn't know it was him until he spoke.  I had been thinking about him a lot at that time.  It was Feb and going to be Valentines Day soon so I talked to my T and decided I would give it another try.

I was just like you...i'll take him as he is.  I do love him and we can work it out, I was sure!
Well the first 3 weeks went good and then things changed.  The Bpd kicked in like never before.
At first he just went away and disappeared.  I thought ...ok I can handle that...I'll do some girl things with my friends.  When he resurfaced he wasn't the same.  Basically to make a long story short he told me a bunch of lies, did some triangulation (read definition)s, and dumped me on my head.  He hung up on me and I called him back crying so very hard to PLEASE LET'S Do This...he asked are you sure because the BPD isn't going away.  I said I was sure.  This lasted about 10 mins.  He then said " I'll only hurt you so have a good life"  I cried for about 3 days. 

He called about 3 weeks later, but I am doing NC.  He now calls periodically but..NC.   I need to let this go and so do you.      Unless you want a broken  ?  You do not deserve one.

Carri1

[diotima]

Hi Dera,

I know how that feels. But stop and think: do you think that the contact with the source of your pain will help stop the pain? Each recycle brings out more of the illness, just as Carri1 said--each is worse and each time you lose more of yourself and it is harder to climb out of the pit--and yes, they suck all of your energy (mine did too). What would be gained by this? Maybe it would help to read or re-read: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

I read this many times--not always wanting to believe it--sometimes thinking that I could be an exception, but I wasn't because my ex would never admit he had a problem and never take any responsibility. If that doesn't happen, nothing will change and there will be more pain--more than you feel now.

Is there something kind that you can do for yourself tonight? Tomorrow?

Diotima

[patientandclear]

Dera:

Thank you so much for posting this.  My pwBPDexbf left me abruptly nearly a year ago (hard to believe) with the ostensible reason being that he had issues with my parenting style.  I am a remarkably middle-of-the-road parent so that was hard to grasp.

A few months later, we had a talk, he instantly accepted what I said about parenting, concluded we actually had no problems, and asked if we should get back together.

I told him we should wait until he figured out why this had happened & why it wouldn't happen again.  He seemed to agree but immediately started reconnecting with an old gf, and that was pretty much it for us.

I've spent so much time in the mental/emotional place you describe above.  Wishing I had just said "yes" when he asked if we should try again.  Wishing I had not set conditions which I now see are probably impossible for him ever to meet (because they require introspection and taking responsibility and those are anathema for him).  I miss(ed) him so very much.

However.  Your story about the impact your ex had on your kids, in a much longer relationship than I had experienced, is like a glass of cold water in the face.  Yes, that's too high a price to pay for the drug-like high we get from being connected to these compelling, charming, unreliable and unstable partners.  I never played out the relationship after the first smash-up so never experienced what damage my love for him threatened to do to my daughter and my relationship with her.  But I need to grasp and really assimilate that he would have competed with her for my loyalty and to be my priority, and would have sucked all the energy and engagement from me in a way that would be so debilitating to my relationship with my kid.

You are right (that it isn't worth it).  (Nor, by the way, is it worth it to you.  I've got to think that the instability of his feelings for you and his inability to take care of your feelings do a lot of damage besides just to your kids.)  In sharing that story, you have helped me imagine what it probably would have been like for my daughter, and me as her mom, had I just said my unequivocal "yes" to his offer of re-engagement.

Keep steering the car in the direction you've chosen, even though the road is very very rough right now.  The pull you feel toward him is likely the product of his high hopes, wishful thinking, and great skill in courting you and binding you to him initially.  That works really, really well.  And because your feelings for him are real, they persist, and they will persist for a long time.  Doesn't at all mean that it is right to stay.

I know this is intensely hard.  Sometimes we have to go down an intensely hard path because it is the only way to something truly healthy and good.  Just like setting aside a highly addictive and pleasurable drug.  It hurts like hell to voluntarily abstain.  The "better life" that might be possible as a result is only theoretical.  The pull to do the damaging but also gratifying thing again is very strong.  But some people do find the strength and belief in themselves to stop, to their enormous credit, and right now, you are one of those people.  Like a crack addict who is refusing to go into the neighborhood where she used to score, or an alcoholic who walks past rows of wine bottles in the store just to get groceries ... you can do this hard thing, and it is worth doing even though it is hard.  Perhaps in part because it is so hard -- because this person has gotten to a place of emotional control in your life that no one else should have.

 

P & C

[kimbers43]

I read your post and just had to reply. I feel the same, think about her all the time even though it always ends in tears. She keeps in contact and comes to see me and i am so happy for 24hrs. Then the sadness kicks in and i feel used and depressed again. I look past all her faults and forgive her for all the crap she has caused because its better to be happy for 24hrs than constantly sad and down for days on end...
Some days are worse than others, I am over the worst I think but its so tempting to get roped back into it all again. I read the boards and try and take as much advice as i can.

[mgl210]

I can relate. Despite, all the things that she has done to hurt me, I still want her. I want her in my life. I do and I dont. I know that she hurt me and I know she hurt me deeply, but I guess in my somewhat still beating heart, I can find it in my heart to forgive her, providing I know what has provoked these pains that she has caused me. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I just want it to end and it feels like there is no end in sight of the pain

[Dera]

It's not much better this morning. I thought I was doing better, not crying all the time, taking some pleasure in life... but maybe that was because he called me. It seems as if when I have a little contact with him it gives me strength for a little while, but the longer I go without contact the worse I get, just  like kimbers 43 said.

Thank you so much for all your comments. I hope you all know how much your responses help. How things I already know come into focus when you all say them. How knowing someone understands this ocean of pain helps.

Patientandclear, it was particularly helpful to see what I said about my kids reflected back. I already have so much guilt about giving him the better part of me these last 3 years. I don't know what to say to them about that. I fear for my daughter, has she learned this is how you treat a man? That he comes first, before your children, that you give up your friends, that you take abuse without flinching, that you put even your own health at risk trying to meet their needs? He was even controlling towards her, wanting to limit her friends.

I'm making him sound like a monster, and he isn't. He does have so many good qualities, and was a help with the kids in many ways. A better example than me in many ways. If I could just have behaved better, set up boundaries with him, we could have been a family.

He left me, but because of a series of decisions I made. It's so hard to live with those decisions.

[mgl210]

I feel the exact way you do Dera. This all could have been avoided if I wasn't such a coward and told my mom about her...Then maybe I wouldn't be where I am now...

I feel your pain...I know your pain..and I know we both hate this pain...

MGL

[Shellshocked]

I feel the same way.  I think that is why many of us end up here.  At least I know that is why I did.  We want them back so much, yet we know its exactly the wrong thing for us.

Its that battle between what we want and what we know we need that makes me at least feel so anxious.  Battling with myself between what I want and what I need, or have to have.

 

[Dera]

I agree, Shellshocked. I could do any kind of difficult thing once I make up my mind to do it. It's living in between choices that makes me the most crazy.

[bonnie]

darling dera,we are friends and im not going to let u do this,no ifs no buts no excuses no nothings.i too want to do the same as u every second every minute every hour of every day.everyone says its gets easier and they all cant be wrong.we are in this together.im thinking of u xo

[Dera]

@ Bonnie 

[wolfgirl]

Dera, I too am where you are.  I got tired of walking on eggshells, I stood up for myself and he raged and left me.  WE have been down this road hundreds of times in the past 3 years.  I'm curious, what decisions are you referring to?  It's possible that you were just trying to make some healthy decisions for yourself, your children and it wasn't acceptable to him.     

[babe67]

I so understand where you are coming from I would give anything to get my ex back but she wants nothing to do with me. I dont know what I can do any more. I love her so much and so do my kids. She went back to her ex.

[Dera]

I had done some journaling, pros and cons of our relationship and that kind of stuff. I had to make a big decision about whether to uproot my kids to go be with him or  not. It was pretty clear after I got the facts down on paper that I our relationship had to end. But I wasn't capable of leaving him. I tried in the past and the pain would be so bad that I couldn't do it. I would beg him to take me back on whatever terms he desired.

So, I hung back and didn't make the move... although I continued to think and say that eventually I would do it. I also talked to my therapist and read and journaled about boundaries. I decided to start implementing boundaries with him.. and if I he couldn't take the boundaries and left me then so be it. Either way things would get better.

I had meant to spend time praying and journaling and preparing to make these moves, but instead I ended up so distraught that I did everything backwards and messed up. He was getting more and more distant and unavailable anyway, all the time saying that nothing had changed. I was so crazy with the loss that was all around me (but unacknowledged by him) that I started cutting our ties in a backhanded way (deleting him off my facebook, unplugging my phone, etc.) and started talking and hanging around people I knew he would not accept.

He asked me directly if I had talked to so and so, and I told him truthfully yes. So that was the exact moment of the break. He had told me that if I ever talked to that person again he was done with me. And he made good on that promise.

So, it was my choice in that if I had moved to be with him and I had lived by his rules, we would still be together. I believe that we would have been together for life.

I would do that in a heartbeat. Joyfully. I would live with him and put up with his anger and not talk to anyone but him and spend my whole life just being attentive to what he needs and accepting of when he didn't want me around. I would do everything his way.

But.

I have two children who didn't sign on for that life. So I'm doing this for their sakes. Suffering for their sakes.  But, in the end, saving them is going to save me too. I just can't see it now, when all I can see is him. Someday I'll be happy on my own and find a true partner for life too, but right now he owns me, even though we're not together.

[diotima]

So, it was my choice in that if I had moved to be with him and I had lived by his rules, we would still be together. I believe that we would have been together for life.

I was faced with a similar situation. Could you have lived with his rules? I know I couldn't. I think it would have destroyed me. Yes, it was your choice and I think you showed courage and good judgment by carefully going over the pros and cons and knew you had to protect your children. Do you think that in the end you also protected yourself along with the children? I got to the point too where I had to set boundaries or be destroyed, and my ex did not like boundaries very much at all and so the r/s ended. At the beginning I really wanted him back, and so I can relate to how you feel. But there was no chance anything would change because he would never accept responsibility or go into T. Things will get better for you in time.

Diotima

[Dera]

I don't know if I could have lived with his rules or not. I could not have lived with his lies, though. I probably could have accepted the cheating if it didn't go along with the lieing and the abandonment.

[diotima]

The cheating wore me down. Along with cheating came lying and abandoning when there was a new host on the horizon and then running back to me after it fell apart. My ultimate boundary was: no more cheating, and I knew that he probably wouldn't be able to do it, and he couldn't. I am glad he's gone. Gives me the creeps at this point to even think of being with him--despite the months of missing him and crying. He tried to recycle me several times after that. No dice. It takes time and NC to heal, but it can happen.
Diotima

[patientandclear]

Good you Dera!  That's quite different than your feeling in an earlier post that, setting aside your kids, you would have moved & accepted any terms he offered.  Here, you're saying no, it would matter what the terms are. No lies, & you don't think he's capable of delivering that.

If you set no standards or requirements for how you'll be treated, you'll be treated poorly.  If you set reasonable & appropriate standards, & someone you care about won't meet them, that doesn't mean the standards are wrong. It means your partner is ill-equipped to BE a partner.

You wrote here or on another thread that you took certain steps in a different order than you planned in the course of trying to sort out the r/s.  You pulled away when you sensed him growing more distant, & now you sort of blame yourself for his reaction to the steps you took, almost against your will.

I had a similar experience.  I told my ex "no" when he offered a sort of junior relationship while he explored his issues in therapy (without any apparent insight going in--he is undiagnosed as far as know & thinks the problem is that he picks the wrong women, he has unresolved issues from prior relationships, & other side issues).

I've twisted & turned ever since because like you, there is a strong impulse in me to be with him whatever the terms.  But my ex-H, of all people, suggested that what happened when I said "no" was that my super-ego interceded to protect me from a disastrous choice that could have led to the annihilation of my self. I think maybe the same thing happened with you.  Despite your strong impulse to be with him no matter what, something in you said "no" & began to cut ties as you felt him shifting the ground under you yet again.

If you can, make space to thank whatever that was in you that stepped in & made the choice--instead of attacking it.  You saved yourself from your own impluses; that's a wonderful thing.

[Dera]

Wow, I never even noticed that shift there... from taking him on any terms to I'm not going to live with the lying. I don't think I can feel that way all the time yet... but someday.

Maybe you are right, maybe I was unconciously acting out to force his hand, so he would end the relationship before it killed me. The grief I've been feeling that I've opened up to you all at this board has been going on for months even before the relationship ended finally. Months of grieving for him while he was still there (sort of). It was agonizing. As bad as I feel now, at least I'm getting some sleep now and some of the physical symptoms of stress have faded. At least now I don't have to feel guilty and afraid when I talk to people. At least now I am not waiting waiting waiting for him to call me.

Thank you, patientandclear, for your thought provoking post.

[Rhymes w/Orange]

Dera,
I am you. Everything you have written here is just where I am. And I have been here for 2 yrs now. It is killing me. If he would leave it would be ok, but he will not physically leave because he wants the house (which belongs to his family so I have no claim to it anyway). He has somewhat left by isolating himself to a bedroom and not interacting with me. He is trying to force me to leave, so he can be the victim and say poor-me-look-what-she-did-to-me to everyone, as he is a total waif.

But I have been faithful to him in every way, loving him unconditionally and trying to build him up all the time. Putting the kids aside over and over and over. I have spent 20 years giving my all for him, and he doesn't care anymore. Our kids are the ones who pay. I will be alone for the rest of my life. I can't leave either. I am stuck. I only wish there was something I could do to force his hand.

[Dera]

   for truthwillsetyoufree.

I guess I should be glad my relationship with exBPD didn't get to the point I was trapped. Maybe that's why I made the "choice" I did and didn't move to be with him, because I certainly understand what it is like to be trapped.

My previous relationship was with a man who was abusive. I was very trapped in that relationship, didn't know how to get out of it, and had two children with that man. Finally my hand was forced by child protection, and I haven't had any contact with him since except in court. As horrible as that time was, I am so glad now that I was set free.

Truth, are you seeing a counsellor? Sometimes with their objective viewpoint you can see things you didn't see before. To me on the outside looking in... it seems obvious that you need to leave him, even if you have to move into a shelter. However, I know better than anyone that it doesn't feel that simple when you are on the inside of the situation. Anyone that thinks it's simple doesn't really understand. Please consider a counsellor at least, if you don't already have one.

[BleedsOrange]

I was in the same situation was supposed to uproot my life and move to live by her rules. Which I suppose would be easier if they didnt constantly change depending on what need she had at the time.

Any way, Im reading a book called "growing yourself back up" which Im not sure if I can recommend - im kinda meh about it, but it has its moments. There is a particular part that talks about childish love being the love you "fall" into. That its not a choice and you feel like you cant escape it. Adult love is a choice. You choose to love a person.

By that it seems like I should be able to choose to not love a person. This realization didnt immediately solve the pain like some kind of "Eureka!" But I think that it is important for me to remember. I hope that it can help you too.

[Dera]

Love is a choice, I agree. There is a kind of love that is a feeling, and then another kind of love that is an action. The feeling comes and goes, but you can choose to love someone with your actions all the time. I think that's one of the keys to a long relationship, to choose to love someone even when the feeling isn't there, and then if you nurture the relationship the feeling will come again, but maybe in a different form, not so crazy but deeper. Most people don't seem to get past the first infatuation stage, it seems.

I hadn't thought about choosing not to love someone. You can't choose the feeling part. I can't choose not to love exBPD. But I can choose not to do the actions. And again, I think the feeling will follow.

Not that I ever will stop loving him. I still care about my other exes. Hopefully it will be like that with him someday, but I can't see it now.

[patientandclear]

I hadn't thought about choosing not to love someone. You can't choose the feeling part. I can't choose not to love exBPD. But I can choose not to do the actions. And again, I think the feeling will follow.

I had a "eureka" moment about this a while back.  My feelings of love for this person arose in a period in which he was painting me a picture of himself that was largely false.  He was intensely mirroring me, seeming to match me in all these crucial, amazing, where-will-I-find-this-again ways.  So sure, I "fell" in love (thanks Dera for distinguishing between childish love you "fall" into and adult love you choose ... such a great point) and now that feels like some kind of natural law or inevitable truth: "I love this person."

But when I realized that that feeling was obtained through deception (in my case, in addition to mirroring me, my ex actively deceived me about his prior romantic history; had I known the truth I would never have so blithely given myself to him), the idea of deciding, consciously, to undo that process of "falling in love" seemed worth exploring.  This is a feeling that is not eternal (I knew him once & liked him as a friend and co-worker but vaguely disapproved of his relationship antics long ago and had no further feeling for him ... I could go back there, perhaps, if I could truly see that he got me to love him by presenting a 75% false picture of himself).

Great thread, Dera.

[Dera]

Good point, about falling in love with a false image. I know a lot of our relationship was in my head, now.

I'm having a hard day and the kids aren't even up yet! I came across something he gave me and something with his name written on it, and it started a fresh wave of grief in me. I can't believe we are over. Can't accept it. I know from past experience when something hits me like this I'm not going to bounce back, I'm in for a hard day.

[patientandclear]

Dera: How did your day go?  I know that feeling so well.  It is so hard to hold simultaneously your real goodwill and connection to this person, and the facts about where you stand now and what is best given the very real problems and harm to you and your kids that emerged.  It doesn't surface in your "longing" posts, but in other posts about your story, you recount things that happened that just should not happen in a loving relationship.

It sounds as though your hopes and dreams for what this should/could have been if your partner were not so compromised are very prominent in your mind right now.  That's OK, just realize that's what they are: hopes and dreams that didn't get a chance to come true because he was not able to be a full, real partner to you.

 

[Dera]

It actually turned out to be a better day than I feared. My women's group was meeting that morning and I had that to prepare for and look forward to. I printed out some of my posts here to share bits of, also to take to my therapist today. I read them something of the stuff about dopamine.

On the downside of the women's group thing, there is a woman in the group who had one therapist tell her that she was BPD (think she was using meth at the time) and reacts negatively every time I mention it. I don't see her as being BPD at all, and then she had another doctor tell her that BPD doesn't exist. "Either you have one (a personality) or you don't!" is what he said apparently.

Then, my ex called me and I picked up. So, every time I talk to him I feel better, but I know a crash is coming because of that. I hadn't talked to him in 8 days before that. I keep thinking he will never call me again, which makes me panicy, and then he does, but with a longer interval before the call. He does not respond at all if I try to reach him.

I know a lot of our relationship was just my fantasy. Also, there is the protective feelings I have for him, wanting to rescue him. I DID rescue him from a bad situation when we were first together. At great personal sacrifice I saved him from a situation where he was being abused. His family see me as his saviour, one of the reasons I think that if I had moved to be with him he would have stayed with me, unfaithful perhaps, but stayed, because of the pressure from his family.

Now he's in another situation where I am feeling the urge to rescue him. It's not as bad though, and he has the power to get away himself now, since he has a job, a car, and is near his family. Thanks to me he has these things. It seems the thing I cannot rescue him from is HIM.

Patientandclear, thank you for reading so much of my story and trying to understand and help me. I'm very grateful for your insightful posts.

[Rhymes w/Orange]

It seems the thing I cannot rescue him from is HIM.

 
There it is. The brick wall. They "need our help" to save them from all the terrible nasty people and things that are out to get them. But in the end it is THEMSELVES they need saving from. And that's the one thing we can't do.

[Zena321]

Dearest Dera believe me I know where you stand and how you feel I was there and its hard and feels awful any way you turn it it.

When my husband and I were dating and engaged he was incredibly awsome to me and my 4 sons from my first marriage. Sometimes I would comment he was a better dad to them then their real dad.

Then after we married the slow and steady devalue of me and my sons and severe contgrolling side came out and more demands on all of us he was very OCD remote control had to "here"one to many times not he smashed it,shower was 2 minutes to long he kicked in the bathroom door,peanut butter not put in the cabinet same fate as the remote.

Then it was my oldest had to call and ask permission for my youngest to babysit and not come to the door and I kept meeting his demands as stupid as some were to present as a untied front.The last straw that made him supposedly leave was a difference of punishment my youngest at the time 14 severly ADHD had a disagreement with ,I agrred very disrespectful never did before he wanted to have him come home from school and sit at the kitchen table until bedtime for 6 months ...I commented that was more punishing me as he worked second shift he shot back I suppose you would say a week ...I don't feel welcomed here I am moving out...Mind you this was day after my 19 year old had his 1st chemo treatment Hodgkins Lymphoma,2 days after Christmas and he cut his direct deposit and a uhaul and moved everything out in 6 hours.

I tried for 2 and a half years going to him 3 day weekends to work things out ,secretly thought my kids tore us apart,they took care of themselves while I never left my room except to see him . The overwhelming guilt I can't get back to what I did to my children for him and still do I can't explain. We are still married living seperately,he has been living with another woman for 3 years now(won't divorce me,doesn't want to remarry) but one thing I finally know for at least a year now it would NEVER EVER WORK BETWEEN US...I know I'll always care and love him but also know deep down it just will never be...I don't know my future with anyone else but for now I need to forgive myself for what I did ...I believe my sons have because I know how loving they are but I have to forgive ME.

Please think about them they will be with you forever ...I used to think backwards "OH they will grow up and it will be just us two and justify it" but thinking now that way where would that leave me maybe my kids would be at a point of not forgiving me ,not letting me see my grandchildren etc...

[Dera]

Zena321,   I'm sorry you had to go through that. How devastating for him to leave you that way. It really helps me that you shared your story, because when I think of my ex's behavior toward my son, I know that the things you describe were not far off.

My ex told me a little about how hard his father was on him, how boys shouldn't show any feeling... I know he was headed in that direction with my son.

So thank you for the reminder of why I'm doing this.

[suz124w]

Dera,

So much of what you write echoes what happened to me with my exuBPD.  But you are the first person to write of the grief feelings you had as your ex distanced himself from you and devalued you.  I see that patient and clear also had this experience.

I remember this so clearly but I couldn't understand it at the time.  I just started to feel SO sad often on waking up in the morning, so much so that I thought I might me depressed or menopausal!  I actually remember thinking it must be my job. When I look back with what I know now, I think it was some kind of super ego telling me all was not right.  I can especially remember  feeling really uncomfortable that I was becoming dependent on his texts, phone calls or on seeing him.  Other things and people seemed to pale into insignificance and I knew in my heart this was not right as I was becoming more and more isolated with someone who wasn't meeting my needs or making me feel particularly good and who was exploiting me emotionally and financially.

I can say that I 'knew' this.  My T would say this was the healthy part of me speaking.  When I tried to ignore this voice, I would feel quite bad.#

Also, what you say about your kids is very valid.  My ex successfully isolated me from my daughter whilst leading me to believe SHE was at fault and SHE was the selfish one.  Happily, I have been able to retrieve that situation largely by speaking to her and trying to explain.  We can't completely undo the damage done but we can repair some of it through communication and hopefully build something better.   I know that I for one did not want my daughter's life to be adversely affected by my poor choices and I wanted to be a good role model too.

[Dera]

Suz, does knowing what was wrong with him, understanding BPD, help? I feel it has helped me so much to be understanding and more at peace and not take things personally. It's so validating, too, when I read your story and others like ours and see how similar things were. I felt so alone in it, and I see I'm far from alone.

And good for you, too, in talking to your children about what happened. Maybe they can learn from us and not repeat our mistakes, and not misinterpret our actions as being their fault.

[Dera]

And after all this working through stuff, I just want him. I love him just as much as ever, long for him, want to give him love until I fill up the hole inside of him.

[mgl210]

Dera
I feel the same about my ex :-(

[patientandclear]

Zena321,   I'm sorry you had to go through that. How devastating for him to leave you that way. It really helps me that you shared your story, because when I think of my ex's behavior toward my son, I know that the things you describe were not far off.

My ex told me a little about how hard his father was on him, how boys shouldn't show any feeling... I know he was headed in that direction with my son.

So thank you for the reminder of why I'm doing this.

Zena & Dera, thank you so much for sharing your experience with your partners with BPD and your own kids.  My ex left me initially over a sudden, intense aversion to aspects of how I care for my daughter.  In his eyes there was an "excessive focus" on her, I bought her treats and face paint at a fair, and I comforted her when he inadvertently hurt her feelings on the last day we were together.  His reaction was deep and involuntary.  He seemed puzzled about where it came from but as he tried to explain, strands of his own childhood of emotional and material deprivation and abuse came up.  I'm sure there is a lot there, and I feel terrible for him about all of it: seeing my daughter receive the kind of love and caring and even small indulgences that he never had.  Feeling that my daughter was a rival for my love.  The more I understand about what he went through as a kid and his attachment problems as an adult, the sadder I am for him, and the more my instincts to help and comfort make me wish I had responded in a less horrified, more open and loving way when he was sharing his misgivings about my kid.

However.  That is a recipe for disaster.  He has/had an aversion to my loving my kid.  There is no way my understanding that could have led us anywhere good.  It surely could have led me to mess up my relationship with my daughter--adjusting it so it would bother him less, which could only turn out badly.

In the weeks after he left me initially, I spent a lot of time actually regretting having my (incredibly wonderful) daughter, or wishing she were a different kid, or that I were a different kind of parent, because then I might still be happy with this man.

The obvious sickness of that is the most enduring proof I have that this relationship is terribly toxic to and dangerous for me.  I would never have thought I could go there.  When I was hoping to have a child & thought I wouldn't, I remember bargaining with the universe and saying that if I could just have a kid, I would never want anything else ever again.  Unbelievable that my need for -- addiction to -- this relationship brought me to the point of wishing I didn't have her.

I know this is excruciating.  But it is obvious from reading one another's stories that these relationships needed to end, right?  Not just for our kids, but for ourselves, because of what they were doing to our own values and basic orientation around what is important in life.

 

[Dera]

Patientandclear, I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I did visualize, kind of wistfully, how things would be if I didn't have children... how I could devote myself to him. How good that would feel... just to have nothing in my life but HIM.

I just feel sick about that. It's sick, I'm sick. My children are the most important thing in my life, they bring me so much joy and they are the most worthwhile thing I have ever devoted myself to.

Also, why do I long to have nothing but him? Why don't I want anything else out of life anymore?

Back to how he felt about my children, sometimes he was like you describe, and wanted me to be hard on them, to toughen them up, make them not be such cry babies. Make them not depend on me. Then there was another side of him that was a wise and compassionate parent.

[mmt]

i feel ya.. i was there.. and still am sometimes..
but you CAN'T fill up the hole inside of him. you can't do it.
only he can do it. you can't fix him, only he can do that.
i realized i had a lot of stuff from childhood i had to deal
with.. i was really vulnerable when we hooked up
that's why i allowed myself to be treated badly.. when you
work thru yr crap from the past and learn to really LOVE yourself..
you just can't even imagine allowing yourself to be treated like crap anymore.
you realize your life is too important. YOU WILL GET THERE.
be your own advocate and love yourself first!