I just want him

[Think About It...]

I don't care what he did, what he's doing. I was happier with him and maybe I just need him and I should just accept him the way he is... whatever small piece of himself he can give to me. I'm not angry with him, he can't help the way he is. I can't bear to live without him and I can't get over him ever. Maybe I even get off on the way he treats me or something. I can live with it. He needs me. He's better off with me in his life. I know I will never feel this way about anyone ever again, this is my last chance.

These are all the things I'm thinking. Only one thing is holding me back from calling him and begging him to take me back like I've done every other time we broke up.

My kids... I know they shouldn't have to live with his problems. He sucks every bit of energy I have and demands I take care of him before I take care of them. He gets angry with them. But he loves them too.

I'm so tired and hopeless tonight I can't see straight.

[Dera]

I don't care what he did, what he's doing. I was happier with him and maybe I just need him and I should just accept him the way he is... whatever small piece of himself he can give to me. I'm not angry with him, he can't help the way he is. I can't bear to live without him and I can't get over him ever. Maybe I even get off on the way he treats me or something. I can live with it. He needs me. He's better off with me in his life. I know I will never feel this way about anyone ever again, this is my last chance.

These are all the things I'm thinking. Only one thing is holding me back from calling him and begging him to take me back like I've done every other time we broke up.

My kids... I know they shouldn't have to live with his problems. He sucks every bit of energy I have and demands I take care of him before I take care of them. He gets angry with them. But he loves them too.

I'm so tired and hopeless tonight I can't see straight.

[Slowlybutsurely]

My advice is to stay strong, and do not contact him.

For the sake of your kids. Kids are so precious and amazing and vulnerable, and they need you to protect them and keep their best interests in mind. I know people who for various reasons were not there for their kids when they were at home, and who did not keep their best interests in mind, and the regret and guilt they feel is awful to contemplate. How does one get over that kind of sadness and regret, since you can't get the time back with your kids, and they are only kids once, and then have to spend the rest of their life being adults, with all that comes with that. They deserve the best childhood they can possibly have and that you can provide for them. Life is rough once you leave childhood (as we can all attest...). Please give your kids the best and do your best to get over this person who you love, but who can never give you or your kids the life you deserve. You will regret it immensely if you don't, based on what I've seen of people who have put partners before their kids.
Hang in there...

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Slowlybutsurely]

I also wanted to say that you WILL get over him, eventually. It make take a while... as most of us can attest to. This whole process absolutely is as painful as anything I've ever gone through. But the alternative? To live a life of unhappiness, stress, and chaos? It isn't worth it, but you know that. 

When you are in the midst of this, it truly does feel that it will never get better, and that the ex is the ONE and only one for you. I feel that still sometimes, and it has been a long time. But those moments are fewer now, and I can see things with more perspective. Sometimes you just have to do the 'right' thing, logically, and trust that your heart will eventually catch up. It's a matter of self-preservation, even though at this point, you feel you can't survive well without him. But we all know how the story ends if you stay. You might go on the 'staying' board and read what the people there go through. It is not a pretty picture. Each time I find myself longing to be with her again in a serious way, I read on that board and I am very quickly sobered up. It's quite awful. Check it out if you haven't.
Hang in there...

[Carri1]

I felt the same way and I gave into it.  He called one Sunday morning and yes I answered it...didn't know it was him until he spoke.  I had been thinking about him a lot at that time.  It was Feb and going to be Valentines Day soon so I talked to my T and decided I would give it another try.

I was just like you...i'll take him as he is.  I do love him and we can work it out, I was sure!
Well the first 3 weeks went good and then things changed.  The Bpd kicked in like never before.
At first he just went away and disappeared.  I thought ...ok I can handle that...I'll do some girl things with my friends.  When he resurfaced he wasn't the same.  Basically to make a long story short he told me a bunch of lies, did some triangulation (read definition)s, and dumped me on my head.  He hung up on me and I called him back crying so very hard to PLEASE LET'S Do This...he asked are you sure because the BPD isn't going away.  I said I was sure.  This lasted about 10 mins.  He then said " I'll only hurt you so have a good life"  I cried for about 3 days. 

He called about 3 weeks later, but I am doing NC.  He now calls periodically but..NC.   I need to let this go and so do you.      Unless you want a broken  ?  You do not deserve one.

Carri1

[diotima]

Hi Dera,

I know how that feels. But stop and think: do you think that the contact with the source of your pain will help stop the pain? Each recycle brings out more of the illness, just as Carri1 said--each is worse and each time you lose more of yourself and it is harder to climb out of the pit--and yes, they suck all of your energy (mine did too). What would be gained by this? Maybe it would help to read or re-read: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

I read this many times--not always wanting to believe it--sometimes thinking that I could be an exception, but I wasn't because my ex would never admit he had a problem and never take any responsibility. If that doesn't happen, nothing will change and there will be more pain--more than you feel now.

Is there something kind that you can do for yourself tonight? Tomorrow?

Diotima

[patientandclear]

Dera:

Thank you so much for posting this.  My pwBPDexbf left me abruptly nearly a year ago (hard to believe) with the ostensible reason being that he had issues with my parenting style.  I am a remarkably middle-of-the-road parent so that was hard to grasp.

A few months later, we had a talk, he instantly accepted what I said about parenting, concluded we actually had no problems, and asked if we should get back together.

I told him we should wait until he figured out why this had happened & why it wouldn't happen again.  He seemed to agree but immediately started reconnecting with an old gf, and that was pretty much it for us.

I've spent so much time in the mental/emotional place you describe above.  Wishing I had just said "yes" when he asked if we should try again.  Wishing I had not set conditions which I now see are probably impossible for him ever to meet (because they require introspection and taking responsibility and those are anathema for him).  I miss(ed) him so very much.

However.  Your story about the impact your ex had on your kids, in a much longer relationship than I had experienced, is like a glass of cold water in the face.  Yes, that's too high a price to pay for the drug-like high we get from being connected to these compelling, charming, unreliable and unstable partners.  I never played out the relationship after the first smash-up so never experienced what damage my love for him threatened to do to my daughter and my relationship with her.  But I need to grasp and really assimilate that he would have competed with her for my loyalty and to be my priority, and would have sucked all the energy and engagement from me in a way that would be so debilitating to my relationship with my kid.

You are right (that it isn't worth it).  (Nor, by the way, is it worth it to you.  I've got to think that the instability of his feelings for you and his inability to take care of your feelings do a lot of damage besides just to your kids.)  In sharing that story, you have helped me imagine what it probably would have been like for my daughter, and me as her mom, had I just said my unequivocal "yes" to his offer of re-engagement.

Keep steering the car in the direction you've chosen, even though the road is very very rough right now.  The pull you feel toward him is likely the product of his high hopes, wishful thinking, and great skill in courting you and binding you to him initially.  That works really, really well.  And because your feelings for him are real, they persist, and they will persist for a long time.  Doesn't at all mean that it is right to stay.

I know this is intensely hard.  Sometimes we have to go down an intensely hard path because it is the only way to something truly healthy and good.  Just like setting aside a highly addictive and pleasurable drug.  It hurts like hell to voluntarily abstain.  The "better life" that might be possible as a result is only theoretical.  The pull to do the damaging but also gratifying thing again is very strong.  But some people do find the strength and belief in themselves to stop, to their enormous credit, and right now, you are one of those people.  Like a crack addict who is refusing to go into the neighborhood where she used to score, or an alcoholic who walks past rows of wine bottles in the store just to get groceries ... you can do this hard thing, and it is worth doing even though it is hard.  Perhaps in part because it is so hard -- because this person has gotten to a place of emotional control in your life that no one else should have.

 

P & C

[kimbers43]

I read your post and just had to reply. I feel the same, think about her all the time even though it always ends in tears. She keeps in contact and comes to see me and i am so happy for 24hrs. Then the sadness kicks in and i feel used and depressed again. I look past all her faults and forgive her for all the crap she has caused because its better to be happy for 24hrs than constantly sad and down for days on end...
Some days are worse than others, I am over the worst I think but its so tempting to get roped back into it all again. I read the boards and try and take as much advice as i can.

[mgl210]

I can relate. Despite, all the things that she has done to hurt me, I still want her. I want her in my life. I do and I dont. I know that she hurt me and I know she hurt me deeply, but I guess in my somewhat still beating heart, I can find it in my heart to forgive her, providing I know what has provoked these pains that she has caused me. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I just want it to end and it feels like there is no end in sight of the pain

[Dera]

It's not much better this morning. I thought I was doing better, not crying all the time, taking some pleasure in life... but maybe that was because he called me. It seems as if when I have a little contact with him it gives me strength for a little while, but the longer I go without contact the worse I get, just  like kimbers 43 said.

Thank you so much for all your comments. I hope you all know how much your responses help. How things I already know come into focus when you all say them. How knowing someone understands this ocean of pain helps.

Patientandclear, it was particularly helpful to see what I said about my kids reflected back. I already have so much guilt about giving him the better part of me these last 3 years. I don't know what to say to them about that. I fear for my daughter, has she learned this is how you treat a man? That he comes first, before your children, that you give up your friends, that you take abuse without flinching, that you put even your own health at risk trying to meet their needs? He was even controlling towards her, wanting to limit her friends.

I'm making him sound like a monster, and he isn't. He does have so many good qualities, and was a help with the kids in many ways. A better example than me in many ways. If I could just have behaved better, set up boundaries with him, we could have been a family.

He left me, but because of a series of decisions I made. It's so hard to live with those decisions.

[mgl210]

I feel the exact way you do Dera. This all could have been avoided if I wasn't such a coward and told my mom about her...Then maybe I wouldn't be where I am now...

I feel your pain...I know your pain..and I know we both hate this pain...

MGL

[Shellshocked]

I feel the same way.  I think that is why many of us end up here.  At least I know that is why I did.  We want them back so much, yet we know its exactly the wrong thing for us.

Its that battle between what we want and what we know we need that makes me at least feel so anxious.  Battling with myself between what I want and what I need, or have to have.

 

[Dera]

I agree, Shellshocked. I could do any kind of difficult thing once I make up my mind to do it. It's living in between choices that makes me the most crazy.

[bonnie]

darling dera,we are friends and im not going to let u do this,no ifs no buts no excuses no nothings.i too want to do the same as u every second every minute every hour of every day.everyone says its gets easier and they all cant be wrong.we are in this together.im thinking of u xo

[Dera]

@ Bonnie 

[wolfgirl]

Dera, I too am where you are.  I got tired of walking on eggshells, I stood up for myself and he raged and left me.  WE have been down this road hundreds of times in the past 3 years.  I'm curious, what decisions are you referring to?  It's possible that you were just trying to make some healthy decisions for yourself, your children and it wasn't acceptable to him.     

[babe67]

I so understand where you are coming from I would give anything to get my ex back but she wants nothing to do with me. I dont know what I can do any more. I love her so much and so do my kids. She went back to her ex.

[Dera]

I had done some journaling, pros and cons of our relationship and that kind of stuff. I had to make a big decision about whether to uproot my kids to go be with him or  not. It was pretty clear after I got the facts down on paper that I our relationship had to end. But I wasn't capable of leaving him. I tried in the past and the pain would be so bad that I couldn't do it. I would beg him to take me back on whatever terms he desired.

So, I hung back and didn't make the move... although I continued to think and say that eventually I would do it. I also talked to my therapist and read and journaled about boundaries. I decided to start implementing boundaries with him.. and if I he couldn't take the boundaries and left me then so be it. Either way things would get better.

I had meant to spend time praying and journaling and preparing to make these moves, but instead I ended up so distraught that I did everything backwards and messed up. He was getting more and more distant and unavailable anyway, all the time saying that nothing had changed. I was so crazy with the loss that was all around me (but unacknowledged by him) that I started cutting our ties in a backhanded way (deleting him off my facebook, unplugging my phone, etc.) and started talking and hanging around people I knew he would not accept.

He asked me directly if I had talked to so and so, and I told him truthfully yes. So that was the exact moment of the break. He had told me that if I ever talked to that person again he was done with me. And he made good on that promise.

So, it was my choice in that if I had moved to be with him and I had lived by his rules, we would still be together. I believe that we would have been together for life.

I would do that in a heartbeat. Joyfully. I would live with him and put up with his anger and not talk to anyone but him and spend my whole life just being attentive to what he needs and accepting of when he didn't want me around. I would do everything his way.

But.

I have two children who didn't sign on for that life. So I'm doing this for their sakes. Suffering for their sakes.  But, in the end, saving them is going to save me too. I just can't see it now, when all I can see is him. Someday I'll be happy on my own and find a true partner for life too, but right now he owns me, even though we're not together.

[diotima]

So, it was my choice in that if I had moved to be with him and I had lived by his rules, we would still be together. I believe that we would have been together for life.

I was faced with a similar situation. Could you have lived with his rules? I know I couldn't. I think it would have destroyed me. Yes, it was your choice and I think you showed courage and good judgment by carefully going over the pros and cons and knew you had to protect your children. Do you think that in the end you also protected yourself along with the children? I got to the point too where I had to set boundaries or be destroyed, and my ex did not like boundaries very much at all and so the r/s ended. At the beginning I really wanted him back, and so I can relate to how you feel. But there was no chance anything would change because he would never accept responsibility or go into T. Things will get better for you in time.

Diotima

[Dera]

I don't know if I could have lived with his rules or not. I could not have lived with his lies, though. I probably could have accepted the cheating if it didn't go along with the lieing and the abandonment.

[diotima]

The cheating wore me down. Along with cheating came lying and abandoning when there was a new host on the horizon and then running back to me after it fell apart. My ultimate boundary was: no more cheating, and I knew that he probably wouldn't be able to do it, and he couldn't. I am glad he's gone. Gives me the creeps at this point to even think of being with him--despite the months of missing him and crying. He tried to recycle me several times after that. No dice. It takes time and NC to heal, but it can happen.
Diotima