Contact after 10 month of NC

[Think About It...]

Same pattern (it is the fourth time). Our "main" relationship was in 2009.

1.Step one: I miss you, I miss our good times, I think I love you but I am affraid of this love because it consumes me. (in this point she remembered ALL of great moments we spent together in every posible details). I want to die and be borned again to make things right etc. It was an 8 hours conversation with her telling me about what she done in the last 10 months

2.Step two: after two days it was her name birthday. I texted her asking if she wants to see me to give her flowers. Of course she didnt.

3.Step three : after another two days: I hate you, you smother me, I want to live free and not been controlled by you, you are such a great manipulator. In this point I was a little mean by saying her that I am married and actually I was married when I met her (this is the truth, bad me, I know). This is the point when she became crazy : you lier, I am happy that  you are married because I feel you are blocked in the past, loving me. You never loved me and I am so releived now. I asked her to stop forever our "connection" but she refused to. She said : this connection will be stoped when I want it, not when you want it, you f___ing liar.

I sent an e-mail to her father and told him about this contact. He knows she is BPD but he doesnt take any action about it. In fact, after our break-up, she had a bad mouth regarding me, telling her parents I am a pimp  . (in my country everyone who has a black SUV is suspected being a pimp)

Anyway, I told her the truth about me but it doesnt seem to end it. Perhaps I will be contacted by her next year with the same pattern. I hope not but I am prepared for it.

P.S. Dont judge me for being married and had an affair with a BPD girl.

[Anra]

Same pattern (it is the fourth time). Our "main" relationship was in 2009.

1.Step one: I miss you, I miss our good times, I think I love you but I am affraid of this love because it consumes me. (in this point she remembered ALL of great moments we spent together in every posible details). I want to die and be borned again to make things right etc. It was an 8 hours conversation with her telling me about what she done in the last 10 months

2.Step two: after two days it was her name birthday. I texted her asking if she wants to see me to give her flowers. Of course she didnt.

3.Step three : after another two days: I hate you, you smother me, I want to live free and not been controlled by you, you are such a great manipulator. In this point I was a little mean by saying her that I am married and actually I was married when I met her (this is the truth, bad me, I know). This is the point when she became crazy : you lier, I am happy that  you are married because I feel you are blocked in the past, loving me. You never loved me and I am so releived now. I asked her to stop forever our "connection" but she refused to. She said : this connection will be stoped when I want it, not when you want it, you f___ing liar.

I sent an e-mail to her father and told him about this contact. He knows she is BPD but he doesnt take any action about it. In fact, after our break-up, she had a bad mouth regarding me, telling her parents I am a pimp  . (in my country everyone who has a black SUV is suspected being a pimp)

Anyway, I told her the truth about me but it doesnt seem to end it. Perhaps I will be contacted by her next year with the same pattern. I hope not but I am prepared for it.

P.S. Dont judge me for being married and had an affair with a BPD girl.

[turtle]

Anra --

She will kee contacting you as long as you respond - doesn't matter how much time has passed.  Doesn't matter if it's 10 minutes, 10 weeks, 10 months or 10 years.  If you respond, you are joining the dance.

If she contacts you next year, do you have to respond?

turtle

[suzn]

I sent an e-mail to her father and told him about this contact. He knows she is BPD but he doesnt take any action about it.

What action do you expect him to take? She's an adult.

If you respond, you are joining the dance.

[goinbonkers]

don't dance.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Anra]

I dont know if I'll respond or not next year. As long as I can manage the effects of contacts perhaps I will. I have now a clear picture of a BPD pattern and I no longer regret what was happened. Being married or not, a relationship with a BPD can not last without "special help". Or, it may last but not in a functional and healthy way.

I have a good female friend with BPD. She is 40, my ex gf is 23 now. My friend told me one interesting thing: If a BPD established "a connection" with someone (even he is abusive, liar, weak, addicted etc), this connection can not be distroyed. "This connection" is their way of love. They can hide it from future partners but it remains "there", in their brain, they feel it every day, in every moment of their lives, even if they paint black this person. Actually, this "primary" connection fills their empty core.  They tend to search always to "remake" this connection with other persons but it is imposible because, with their brain chemistry, they feel it "real" every day. Let's imagine a married BPD. Their husbands dont even know that they have a mariage with a person who "lives every day" with another person in their mind. It may be considered "a constant cheating". Cheating is not only about sex or love, it's about hate, too. Daily, hourly, a BPD thinks about that "primary" connection with love or hate. It is like a landmark for his/her life. For a non it may be seen as an obsession, but it's not about "a person"; is about "the feelings" regarding that person. The BPD is focused on these feelings. They analyze these feelings every day, they compare it with other feelings and so on. If these feelings drive the BPD mad, the BPD will rage at her husband as if it is his fault. It isnt.

All their lives BPD will strongly love and strongly hate this "primary person". This constant imaginary fight will generate real actions. If the fight is too intense, the effects will be intense too. Rage, lies, casual sex, cheating. If we have a relationship with a BPD we tend to belive that we are the cause, that we are guilty for all actions. It is false.

DBT and medication will ONLY REDUCE the effects of these constant fights but these fights will not dissapeared. The fights will remain in their brain being controlled. In some situations, like stress or loosing something important, a BPD may loose his/her control. 

@suzn

She is 23. Her father, with his passive attitude, is not helping her. In fact, he tells her that she is ok and others are to blame. Perhaps it is his own way of cope with his guilt. He left her when she was 9 years, her mother is BPD also. She is his daughter and he must do everything to help her. I can help her in some moments but my role is limited. She needs pro. help. She has this damn disease. And I can help her as long as this help will not affect me or my life. And I dont know if I am the "primary connection" for her. I will find out anyway but it doesnt change anything. I can not help her to heal, just to feel better sometimes if she wants to. I dont expect anything (good) from her.

[bpdlover]

You are realistic in expecting nothing good to come of your association with her. A parent of a BPD is in a difficult situation. Their child has maladaptive coping skills and is on an emotional roller coaster. Some families are enablers and others keep a low profile. My ex left after an eighteen month dance never to return. She filed a RO and painted me completely black. This just months after having our child. Two years later, not a peep, even on the grapevine. They don't all come back. Not sure she would be thinking about me. She vanished and it's a blessing as both ex's had going away presents in RO's. The guy before married her and had kids as well. NC is the best way to heal.

[suzn]

Their husbands dont even know that they have a mariage with a person who "lives every day" with another person in their mind. It may be considered "a constant cheating".

This isn't just a BPD trait. Need I say more?

2.Step two: after two days it was her name birthday. I texted her asking if she wants to see me to give her flowers. Of course she didnt.

You can keep this connection going but what effects do you think this may be having on her? What message do you think it sends to be offering to bring her flowers on her birthday? Remember she is BPD..what do you think she thinks of this?

  She is his daughter and he must do everything to help her.

Says who?

[Anra]

@suzn

1. Nons do that sometimes but nons can manage it. A BPD person does it all the time and he/she feels it very...real. In some point it may become psychotic. Quite often, actually.

2. Perhaps you are right but if I can boost some person ego and make her feel better, why not?

3. Because this is the role of the parent, not just spreads his DNA. She is his daughter. This is the way I think. Now he blames me for her illness. Actually, who's to blame here? Me? The BPD daughter?

[turtle]

2. Perhaps you are right but if I can boost some person ego and make her feel better, why not?

Anra -- I don't want to piss you off, but this statement is bothersome.  Why do you think you are boosting her ego?  You are not available to her.  You're married.  Don't you think she might already feel like your sloppy seconds?

I know you didn't want that in this thread, but it IS the elephant in the room.

turtle

[suzn]

1. Nons do that sometimes but nons can manage it. A BPD person does it all the time and he/she feels it very...real. In some point it may become psychotic. Quite often, actually.

You were married when you met her. No judgement, truely. But let's be honest. This r/s ended 3 years ago. You still entertain the idea of seeing her when she contacts you. You joined a support group, for you.  

you lier, I am happy that  you are married because I feel you are blocked in the past, loving me. You never loved me and I am so releived now.

2. Perhaps you are right but if I can boost some person ego and make her feel better, why not?

Did this boost her ego? You offer to bring flowers, she says no, you REMIND her you are married when she gets upset. She knows you are married. You pointed that out, (you were mean about it...your words) when things got tough with her, do you see this just hurts her more? Do you think this contact made her feel better?

3. Because this is the role of the parent, not just spreads his DNA. She is his daughter. This is the way I think. Now he blames me for her illness. Actually, who's to blame here? Me? The BPD daughter?

That's right this is how you think. He father thinks everything is just fine. That's his prerogative, it's his daughter. Who said anything about blame? Are you saying you are trying to prove just who is to blame by contacting her father? It's unfortunate he blames you. She is hurt, I would venture to guess, because you won't leave your wife, whether or not you two have discussed this or not, in her mind you aren't choosing her. Maybe her father has comforted her at times that you aren't aware of? Is that possible?

[bpdlover]

Boosting her ego aka false self is ineffectively plugging into the disorder, which means you will be on the receiving end of whatever. Blame is the centrepiece of the disorder as you are aware. Where you are, blame will keep you stuck. What you describe with the Father is part of the triangulation (read definition) and there will always be a role cast for those who play along with the BPD. From rescuer, to persecutor, to victim. Your role (ever changing) is as an unavailable partner due to either work, distance or being in another relationship. You are providing her with a fantasy which she knows is not available. Should you become available, she will not want you. Borderline personality is the failure to enter into a required abandonment depression at a developmental stage of autonomy. A part time "fantasy" self cannot turn this association into reality the way you understand it. Your next move is vitally important for your future. Are you ok?

[Anra]

@turtle, suzn

Perhaps you are right. I write here because it is the only place where I can be honest. I dont pretend to be a perfect or a good person. Everyone here have their own issues. I also write here because sometimes I can not manage things in my life. I am not upset when someone here tells me I am a pig or something else . I consider this board a place of honesty where we all are friends and friends can say a lot of things.

Perhaps in readers minds I am a man who cheats his wife. Actually, it is true,I've cheat her with my ex gf. Am I a bad person? Only God can judge it. All I know is the past is the past, I've made my own mistakes.

About that contact: since February I've seen her searching on the net for my name. Daily, hourly. Same pages, same articles. I dont spy her activities but I just monitor the pages wich contain my name. It is normal in my job. Seeing those searches and remaining in NC was like ignoring a person who sleeps at my door. I knew she was under pressure because she must graduate the college this year.  Married or not I am human, I have feelings, I have regrets or I feel remorse. Boosting her ego was my way to help her to manage things. Perhaps I am wrong and you people help me to see what I do wrong.

My relationship with her would not lasted anyway. I saw it since then. Married or not, she has done many things. It is not her fault, being BPD is not a fault for everyone. I never contacted her since then. She left the relationship suddenly. She contacts me when she is under pressure, stress. She wants to be sure I stil remember her. 

[turtle]

Anra.

I do not think you're a "pig or something else" and I certainly do not sit in judgment of you. I've done things in my own life that I'm not proud of - poor choices, things that damaged my own self esteem and landed me on this board!

You seem to be concerned for her well being and my comment was to open the possibility that the idea of talking with her, wanting to bring her flowers etc., is not healthy for HER - that it is not helping HER.  

She may contact you when she's under pressure or stress, but in doing this, she might actually be adding to her own pressure and stress because it reinforces to her that you are not available to her, that she wasn't good enough for you, that you are in fact with someone else, and that she is "less than."

So you see her searching for your name.  That would drive me batty too. Is there any possible way you can stop seeing that stuff?  

I'm glad you're here, Anra.

turtle

[suzn]

Anra

Dito on everything turtle said. My point about you joining a support group is that you do still think of her. I do not think you are a pig. I am not judging you at all. Just as turtle says, my point was the same, contact with her is not helping her. She doesn't understand this but you can.

I am also very glad you are here. 

suzn

[Anra]

@Turtle

You are right. But tell me, what choise do I have? NC? I do that since 2009. Sometimes (not often) she contacts me. In 2010 I didnt respond and she was hospitalized one month. The doctors told her parents about BPD but they just dont want to hear it. They prefer to blame me for leaving her even if they know she was the one who left. Our rl was over before she knew I am married. The fact I am married doesnt matter in this situation. I know, it was a mistake but I cant just erase my past and pretend she was not there. She was, she is a real and ill person. So, if I can make her feel better sometimes, when she needs it, I will do it (It is the way I think).

About those searches, no, I can not ignore it. I do not monitor her searches, I monitor some webpages. I can not ignore when someone "click" my name 24/24, every minute or second. Do you think you would be able to ignore it? Should I ignore her knowing that she doesnt receive any help?

@suzn

I am here because I think I can help people who were involved in relationships with BPD and I am here for my own issues too. I am here to understand how can I help her in some moments. There are lot of reasons for me to be here. And this place is the best place for learning about BPD. This place is about real experiences. Real life is different from theory.

Tell me, should I ignore her pretending she is not exists? When someone ill screams for your help, what would you do? Ignore her? I am honest about my past, about my mistakes and about my lies, about my life in general.

NC in my case is easy to be done, but it is right to do it?

[turtle]

Anra.  I can't tell you what to do.  No one here can.  It seems to me that you are feeling overly responsible for her well being.  It sounds as though she has been formally diagnosed and that her parents are aware of that diagnosis.

How do you know that her parents blame you.  Did THEY tell you that or did SHE tell you that?

She IS a real person, and apparently a fragile person -- and IMO (I am no professional) your "toying" with her isn't helpful to her.  You say she is screaming for help.  If that's true, that's a good thing, but she needs to scream for help from the right people -- You are not the right person for this. IMO

I think you are fooling yourself in thinking that you are making her feel better.  That might be true for a moment, but in the long run...you may be doing more damage than good.

Can you release her to let her go get the real help that she needs?  Can you tell her that you can no longer respond to her because you are not qualified to help her and that you may be hurting her more in the long run and that isn't what you want to do?

turtle

[bpdlover]

NC simply means that you accept that she has an illness and that ongoing treatment for the illness is the best course of action. In this case, loving her is letting her go. I know that it is hard with a BPD, that is why we are here. Stay NC if possible.

[suzn]

   Anra my exBPDgf screamed for my help time and time and time again. For years I took responsibility. In the 5 years we were together, and in that 5 years there were breakups where we were not together, she never got better. I fixed things, I helped her when she messed up really bad many times, and I hid things for her, things that should not have been hidden. She never handled her own consequences. I handled them for her.

I walked after her last suicide attempt and that attempt was only to get me to do something. I packed all her things. Everything. Had a friend deliver her things to her mothers home where she stayed some of the time anyway. I changed my number and tried to get on with my life.

I hear things now and then about her through the grapevine. I have told people I don't want to know. Sometimes I'm still told things though. She's still not better. Her parents blamed me too but I know the truth, I was there. That use to drive me crazy that they blamed me, but they know the truth. We all do. Here's a thought for you, what if, she has no one to turn to, maybe she'll turn to her parents at some point? Maybe they will witness things for themselves, they probably already have.

I know I will never answer a cry for help from her again, unless it's to call the authorities if I somehow witness something further. I know if I had stayed involved that I would have never been emotionally available for someone else. I don't feel it would be fair to someone new if I were still involved in any way with my exBPDgf. I have accepted that I can't help her, our history proves that.

That's my story. Yes, for me, I will turn my back and walk away if I am somehow contacted in the future. I will no longer risk my emotional well being for this person. She is responsible for her own well being. I wish her nothing but health and happiness.  
 

[Anra]

@suzn

Sad story. In fact, life is supposed to be easy but it isnt. This is a cruel truth.
She lives with her BPD mother. Her father lives with his wife and his daughter. I stay in NC as long as I can. I will stay in NC as long as things are normal.  If she will come back (and she will) I will be unavailable. Let's see how her parents handle it. Last time they refused to handle it. She is HF BPD, is not so hard to help her if they want to but they dont want it. I am from Romania. Here, to accept you have a PD is like accepting to be isolated.

OK, another truth: I bribed yesterday two teachers to give her two "A". She needs two "A" to graduate the college. I know, I know...

[turtle]

OK, another truth: I bribed yesterday two teachers to give her two "A". She needs two "A" to graduate the college. I know, I know...

Oh Anra.   Leave her alone!