My BPD fiancee has rejected my son

[Think About It....]

Hi,

From being the best stepmum a 12 year boy could wish for my fiancee is now totally blanking and rejecting my son over one small event last week.
My fear is that this will continue. My boy is very upset. I'm going to speak to him today and ask him how he's feeling, but my instinct is that he feels betrayed.
She has gone from a woman that couldn't wait to speak to him on the phone, who would spoil him rotten when he was around, saw no wrong in his actions or words, who took him on daytrips etc etc to someone who won't ask how he is and will make a point of excluding him from any well-wishing.

As I'm learning as I read the posts on this site, anyone in a relationship with someone with BPD has too much to say. It's impossible to cram in all the information. Impossible to know where to begin.

I am feeling quite desperate now. I really don't know what to do.
After we met her parents, got engaged, moved in together at her place, in March, everything went horribly wrong. I knew she had major issues (i met her jan 2011- fell head over heels!) and these became more and more obvious through the months.
It turns out she has been suffering for the last 8 years. Ups and downs (month by month, minute by minute).
She was hospitalised a couple of times in the past. The way she described it to me though was in the context of her abusive ex bf.
There were major signs that this was deeper than that and i discussed with her the idea she might be bipolar. Incidentally, it was around this time (feb) that she went to a therapy session. She had been on an nhs waiting list for this. Again she told me this was directly related to her ex.
She only went to one session.
After her March meltdown in which she td me she had been lying and leading me on all this time and asked me to leave (i had nowhere to go - this was the closest exp i've had of how easy it would be to end up on the streets!) she went to an acute unit.
I spoke to them there and having had previous exp of her told me that she was most likely BPD.
Her therapy starts in July. They put her on strong anti-depressants and this seems to be helping.

Sorry, it's hard to know what details to include/exclude.
So, the most recent situation arose when we came to stay at my parents in the town where my son lives. Normally he would come and stay with me (us).
I was having a serious talk with him because he hadnt locked his bike. She got involved and because 1) the boy can find it hard to take criticism sometimes and 2) because he felt he was being ganged up on he cycled off in a mood. This was it.
My SO started tearing into his character, saying he was not only spoilt and disrespectful but manipulative as well. She started tearing into my parenting saying I was weak and easily abused and that I give him no guidance, no boundaries. None of which is true, although, yes, I can be a bit soft!
To make things worse she had promised him her old iphone as she was getting an upgrade. He, of course, had got really excited about this prospect. Now, she was saying to me, he couldn't have it anymore. He already can tell that she has turned off to him. It will take sime serious work for him not to feel like he isn't being personally spitefully attacked if she follows through and doesn't give him the phone.

Do I speak to her openly about my concerns?
He is a kid, she is a significant adult carer. He is also a very mature, loving and understanding kid.
In the last month when her condition got really bad i spoke with him about the fact she wasn't well. He was very understanding and knew not to expect much- she had stopped calling him daily the last few weeks.
Do i tell her that even when a kid behaves badly you cannot blame the kid only his behaviour?
Do i say that you can't give your heart and love to a child and then pull it away?

All i know is that this surely can't go on too long or the kid is going to suffer. Or is there a way of explaining things to him so he understands? My hope is that therapy will turn things around.
Or, more optimistically, she will turn around with him just as she did with me.
I know she is ill so that is why i can be understanding of her behaviour. Still, it seems that an important boundary has been reached. As if she's testing my love for her to the limit - like Soloman and the baby. As if she is asking me to choise between her and my son.

I love her very much. When she is loving she is warm and open. I embraced her love if my boy. I don't want to act too quickly, without thought. Could this situation be one for patience, or would me not confronting this be a sign to her that i would do anything for her, even sacrifice my son?
In so doing, would silence only lead to making matters worse? Or would confronting it now just push her over the edge when what she needs now us therapy therapy therapy?

Thanks

[Lalaland12]

Hi,

From being the best stepmum a 12 year boy could wish for my fiancee is now totally blanking and rejecting my son over one small event last week.
My fear is that this will continue. My boy is very upset. I'm going to speak to him today and ask him how he's feeling, but my instinct is that he feels betrayed.
She has gone from a woman that couldn't wait to speak to him on the phone, who would spoil him rotten when he was around, saw no wrong in his actions or words, who took him on daytrips etc etc to someone who won't ask how he is and will make a point of excluding him from any well-wishing.

As I'm learning as I read the posts on this site, anyone in a relationship with someone with BPD has too much to say. It's impossible to cram in all the information. Impossible to know where to begin.

I am feeling quite desperate now. I really don't know what to do.
After we met her parents, got engaged, moved in together at her place, in March, everything went horribly wrong. I knew she had major issues (i met her jan 2011- fell head over heels!) and these became more and more obvious through the months.
It turns out she has been suffering for the last 8 years. Ups and downs (month by month, minute by minute).
She was hospitalised a couple of times in the past. The way she described it to me though was in the context of her abusive ex bf.
There were major signs that this was deeper than that and i discussed with her the idea she might be bipolar. Incidentally, it was around this time (feb) that she went to a therapy session. She had been on an nhs waiting list for this. Again she told me this was directly related to her ex.
She only went to one session.
After her March meltdown in which she td me she had been lying and leading me on all this time and asked me to leave (i had nowhere to go - this was the closest exp i've had of how easy it would be to end up on the streets!) she went to an acute unit.
I spoke to them there and having had previous exp of her told me that she was most likely BPD.
Her therapy starts in July. They put her on strong anti-depressants and this seems to be helping.

Sorry, it's hard to know what details to include/exclude.
So, the most recent situation arose when we came to stay at my parents in the town where my son lives. Normally he would come and stay with me (us).
I was having a serious talk with him because he hadnt locked his bike. She got involved and because 1) the boy can find it hard to take criticism sometimes and 2) because he felt he was being ganged up on he cycled off in a mood. This was it.
My SO started tearing into his character, saying he was not only spoilt and disrespectful but manipulative as well. She started tearing into my parenting saying I was weak and easily abused and that I give him no guidance, no boundaries. None of which is true, although, yes, I can be a bit soft!
To make things worse she had promised him her old iphone as she was getting an upgrade. He, of course, had got really excited about this prospect. Now, she was saying to me, he couldn't have it anymore. He already can tell that she has turned off to him. It will take sime serious work for him not to feel like he isn't being personally spitefully attacked if she follows through and doesn't give him the phone.

Do I speak to her openly about my concerns?
He is a kid, she is a significant adult carer. He is also a very mature, loving and understanding kid.
In the last month when her condition got really bad i spoke with him about the fact she wasn't well. He was very understanding and knew not to expect much- she had stopped calling him daily the last few weeks.
Do i tell her that even when a kid behaves badly you cannot blame the kid only his behaviour?
Do i say that you can't give your heart and love to a child and then pull it away?

All i know is that this surely can't go on too long or the kid is going to suffer. Or is there a way of explaining things to him so he understands? My hope is that therapy will turn things around.
Or, more optimistically, she will turn around with him just as she did with me.
I know she is ill so that is why i can be understanding of her behaviour. Still, it seems that an important boundary has been reached. As if she's testing my love for her to the limit - like Soloman and the baby. As if she is asking me to choise between her and my son.

I love her very much. When she is loving she is warm and open. I embraced her love if my boy. I don't want to act too quickly, without thought. Could this situation be one for patience, or would me not confronting this be a sign to her that i would do anything for her, even sacrifice my son?
In so doing, would silence only lead to making matters worse? Or would confronting it now just push her over the edge when what she needs now us therapy therapy therapy?

Thanks

[Matt]

Your son has to be your top priority.  If you had no kids, and you made the choice to get involved with someone who has BPD, that's up to you.  But knowingly staying close to someone with BPD, when you have a child at this age, is not fair to him, in my humble opinion.

Take a big step back.  You can keep seeing her but put the marriage on hold til you are 100% sure that she is getting treatment and the symptoms of BPD are in remission.  That will probably take a few years, and the chance of success is very high if she stays in treatment and is very committed, but otherwise the chances of success are zero.

Kids who are raised by someone with BPD are at very high risk of big problems later in life - substance abuse, suicide, domestic violence, etc. - you name it.  Bringing someone with BPD - who is not very far down the treatment path - into his life, at this vulnerable age, would be a huge mistake, in my view.

(But maybe I'm biased.  My stepson was raised by his mom, who has BPD, and she treated him very inconsistently - loved him one day, ignored him the next, treated him like dirt the next.  By 12 he was drinking.  By high school he was on meth.  Never clean and sober til his late 20s.  Now he's been clean and sober for 3 1/2 years, and he's a great guy - my younger kids and I love him very much.  But he'll be in prison til he's 37 due to stuff that happened many years ago - a tragic life which is clearly the result of being raised by someone with BPD.  So I'm pretty biased about this subject, as I think you can understand.)

[SmileAnyway]

I agree, I was married, had the mortgage and we had a child before I detected mine might have BPD.  I love her like crazy, but it's not a r/s I would have volunteered for.  Truth is, if your son is unhappy you will be unhappy and the r/s will fail to deliver in any case.

We all have our list of who comes first in our lives, mine looks like this...

My child
My wife
My parents
My friends
My other family

You/me have to be in there too.  Not selfish interest in our own needs, but sufficient interest and care in ourselves so that we can sustain our values.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[Lalaland12]

Thanks Matt and SmileAnyway,

You're absolutely right. I've been thinking about this a lot and I know the right thing to do is make sure I give a stable and emotionally fulfilling life to my son.
The marriage has been put on indefinite hold and there are certainly no plans anymore.
The boy comes first and I'm making sure I see him as often as I can especially since someone he really cared for has basically disappeared from his life and it's obviously a really hard time for him.

Going forward I'm not too sure how this will pan out. My BPD fianc

[Matt]

That sounds wise.  It gives you a chance to see how things go, and then make decisions.

[daydreambeliever]

Hey Lalaland12

I am sorry that you (and your son) are going through this.


Please do what you honestly feel is the best choice for your son for his overall emotional welfare/wellbeing etc

I have 2 children (13 and 11) who have a hands off (in a diff country now) BPD/npd dad ..and unfortunately for them (and me) when they were 2 & 4 right through to them being 10 &12, I chose and had a BPD boyfriend. Things were on and off over the years.

And although my daughter came out relatively unscathed, my son now has very serious mental health issues.. Im talking trying to make a run for the knife drawer to kill himself recently, and hes only 11 

The instability of events/emotions has affected him quite deeply. If I had my time to turn around go back and just put my head over my heart I would in a heart beat to put my children first. I thought it was all 'okay' as they were so little and I had tried to protect them from a lot of the heavy stuff and buffer them but that was just crazy-thinking I should not have had them around any of it.

Sorry I hope I am not projecting my situation onto you, I just wanted to say, I really empathise with where you are and I hope you can find the balance between your heart and head for your and your sons best interests.

Take care   

[blackpowder]

   With all due respect to you and your feelings.
 It helped me to learn what traits and tendencys I have. What repeated actions/reactions kept me in the vortex.
  Also, your current troubles are insignificant compared to the consequences of being a legal partnership. Check local laws, don't even co-habitate for a short time. I may deserve flaming for this but; man up, protect you and yours, and run like hell!

[Matt]

  Also, your current troubles are insignificant compared to the consequences of being a legal partnership. Check local laws, don't even co-habitate for a short time. I may deserve flaming for this but; man up, protect you and yours, and run like hell!

In my state, living together, or even getting married, don't give someone who is not a biological parent any legal rights with respect to the child.

So, for example, when I married a woman with two kids, and then we divorced 12 years later, even though I had been the "dad" to them all that time, I had no legal rights.  (Didn't matter since they were 17 and 29 by then and I had good relationships with them.)

But...living with someone, or marrying someone, who has BPD, and isn't managing it through therapy, and who has shown that they will not be a good and loving parent, seems sure to be harmful to the child emotionally.

[Lalaland12]

Hi,

These are all very good words of wisdom!
I have basically divided the two worlds, my gf and my son. My son and I have a very good, strong relationship and I think as long as he knows I am there for him then he's ok. He's come to terms with the fact that he's not seeing my gf and is being philosophical about it. He misses her but understands she's ill and that he might not see her for sone time. He sees me a lot so that compensates more than enough I think.
I won't give up on the relationship since therapy hasn't even begun. I do feel that there is a big chance it won't work out, even though recently she has been quite stable.
We'll see!

[Matt]

Hi,

These are all very good words of wisdom!
I have basically divided the two worlds, my gf and my son. My son and I have a very good, strong relationship and I think as long as he knows I am there for him then he's ok. He's come to terms with the fact that he's not seeing my gf and is being philosophical about it. He misses her but understands she's ill and that he might not see her for sone time. He sees me a lot so that compensates more than enough I think.
I won't give up on the relationship since therapy hasn't even begun. I do feel that there is a big chance it won't work out, even though recently she has been quite stable.
We'll see!

Well there are some rules of thumb about relationships, and when it's time for the kids to meet the girlfriend.  I'm not sure which of those are right, but certainly it's not best to involve the girlfriend a lot in the kids' lives til you're sure it will be best for them, and not just convenient for you.  And it sounds like that's how you're looking at it now...?

[Lotusflower]

A simple good bye forever is necessary for the mental health of your child. Your child is first. Why does your child have to suffer from your decision to remain in a relationship with someone so unstable. It's not fair. Say...bye bye and choose someone worthy of your children in their life. Good luck.

[tog]

This is a very powerful message to your son that you will protect him and that his well-being will come first with you. I hope you will not give your GF another chance to hurt him in that way, but be sure she is genuinely willing to change.

When I met my SO he made very clear to me that his son would be number one with him, and that made me respect him even more. His son and I hit it off right away and still have a very good relationship, in fact he told me he'd be happy if I married his dad, because I'm "like a mother" to him (kind of an insult in this context  but the idea behind it was nice).

I know that he would not allow me to treat his son badly...but nor would he allow his son to treat me badly.

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

A cautionary tale..

Before our BPD dil and son got married, she was wonderful to our granddaughter.  She couldn't do enough for her.  In hindsight, it seems that she was just being good to hook our son.  Our son did see some red flags, and considered leaving her.  It was then that she got pregnant on purpose to trap him.  Our son decided to "do the right thing" for the sake of his girlfriend and unborn child, and married her.  Soon afterward she began treating our granddaughter with contempt.  She views our granddaughter as an inconvenience, something to be dealt with, not as a vulnerable child who needs love and support.  Our granddaughter is the scapegoat for everything that is bad in their house.  It is obvious that our dil views our granddaughter as a rival for our son's affection, and she doesn't like the fact that she doesn't have his full attention. 

Be careful when trying to understand their behavior.  They do not think like us non's.  They have their own motivation, that usually centers on what is best for them.  I know I sound harsh, but I have seen the damage that a BPD stepmom can have on her stepkids.  I know you are currently trying to keep your son and girlfriend separated, but eventually, especially if you marry her, this will be difficult.  You will want your son to visit.  You will have to be ready to protect him if necessary.

[peace]

Hi

I really feel sorry for you, and understand where you are coming from. The thing is though - that she is abusive towards your son - and you really cannot accept than. Believe me, it will not become better in time, rather the opposite


Hugs