clearing out, but feeling down not positive

[Think About It...]

So it's three weeks now since she left. Going through each of the rooms in my house and clearing out any rubbish of hers and anything that she might want is going in to the spare room.
I'm clearing out cupboards in the kitchen, finding ingredients for things we had planned to make, and thinking.. she was happy then. We were happy then. It wasn't so long ago.
Clearing out some other stuff, I find the valentines card from 2011, 'love you muchly forever and ever!".. She as happy then right? We were happy then?
I even think she was kind of happy right up until she met this other guy and turned him in to her exit plan. I suppose if it wasnt him it would've been someone else.
I know I should be feeling the relief of being out of the drama's and rages and punishment and stress...
But I was 40 last month. Time is ticking on. I would like kids some day, but the age range of girls who would be suitable is getting smaller. I think i'm worrying too much about the future.
Even worrying about meeting someone else, going through the whole nervousness/excitment stage...getting used to each other, someone new, all awkward and uncomfortable.
I know i'm thinking too far ahead and not concentrating on the now, not sure where my mind is...it keeps flitting back to happy times and flitting in to the future and worrying what might or might not happen.

[spacedmonkeys]

So it's three weeks now since she left. Going through each of the rooms in my house and clearing out any rubbish of hers and anything that she might want is going in to the spare room.
I'm clearing out cupboards in the kitchen, finding ingredients for things we had planned to make, and thinking.. she was happy then. We were happy then. It wasn't so long ago.
Clearing out some other stuff, I find the valentines card from 2011, 'love you muchly forever and ever!".. She as happy then right? We were happy then?
I even think she was kind of happy right up until she met this other guy and turned him in to her exit plan. I suppose if it wasnt him it would've been someone else.
I know I should be feeling the relief of being out of the drama's and rages and punishment and stress...
But I was 40 last month. Time is ticking on. I would like kids some day, but the age range of girls who would be suitable is getting smaller. I think i'm worrying too much about the future.
Even worrying about meeting someone else, going through the whole nervousness/excitment stage...getting used to each other, someone new, all awkward and uncomfortable.
I know i'm thinking too far ahead and not concentrating on the now, not sure where my mind is...it keeps flitting back to happy times and flitting in to the future and worrying what might or might not happen.

[spacedmonkeys]

and also... getting angry, because shes the one that's jumped straight from one life to another... she's made damn well sure she's not alone, and i'm left to start all over again.

[truly amazed]

Howdy spaced Monkey,

Well ... I was there same place but a little older not so long ago. Replaced whilst discussing marriage. Dumped out of the blue and replaced with someone she moved in with 7 days latter.

Its so confusing or was. Taking time and being no contact helped me a lot back then. Doing what your doing removing all memories everything again a help.

Leaning on friends also helped along with family. Do you have a therapist ? It helps to have someone to talk to about BPD.

Other things ... kept busy ... yes did try drink but all it does it makes you feel worse. Being active and posting here also helped a lot.

Angry yes ... there are stages of the detatchment on the right of the page which we all go thru. Even some not there, reflect ruminate ... anger release and a few more. Some stages you get stuck on and some you go past then come back time and time again. My own bug was ruminating about the ex until I fully understood BPD and how ill she was.

You are not starting all over again, sadly she was not the right one for you and clearly did not treat you as you deserved. So knowing this and some good things and lessons we take forward and find someone special when we are ready.


A suggestion for all those things from your ex ... get rid of them. All pictures and gifts and things she left behind if they are of no real value and she will not want them back ... in the trash they go.

Take care