Emotional hostages

[Think About It...]

I was reading Kimber43's post, and it made me curious... Do BPDs try to trap certain people so that they will forever have an "in"?

My ex  had a son with his wife. He and his wife had known each other all their lives. He claims that they were going  to divorce years ago, but just in time to save their marriage, a baby was conceived. He said many times that neither of them had filed for a divorce because of their son.

******* I did not always know that she was his wife. Otherwise I would have left much sooner***************

Every time he began to fill as if I was pulling away, he would pull out the baby card. He knew I wanted another child, but only in a committed, established environment. He would often say "She will finally realize I've moved on once our baby comes" ( he often threw it in my face that they had a child, and she would gladly take him back any day of the week).  He had even started  counting my cycle days, trying to figure out when I was ovulating. He even asked me why I wasn't pregnant yet, and could ww go see a fertility specialist together.

I know that they use  many people... but do they pick certain people that they feel are the most beneficial for them overall, with the hope of  holding them emotionally hostage forever?

Just curious...

[smartwoman220]

I was reading Kimber43's post, and it made me curious... Do BPDs try to trap certain people so that they will forever have an "in"?

My ex  had a son with his wife. He and his wife had known each other all their lives. He claims that they were going  to divorce years ago, but just in time to save their marriage, a baby was conceived. He said many times that neither of them had filed for a divorce because of their son.

******* I did not always know that she was his wife. Otherwise I would have left much sooner***************

Every time he began to fill as if I was pulling away, he would pull out the baby card. He knew I wanted another child, but only in a committed, established environment. He would often say "She will finally realize I've moved on once our baby comes" ( he often threw it in my face that they had a child, and she would gladly take him back any day of the week).  He had even started  counting my cycle days, trying to figure out when I was ovulating. He even asked me why I wasn't pregnant yet, and could ww go see a fertility specialist together.

I know that they use  many people... but do they pick certain people that they feel are the most beneficial for them overall, with the hope of  holding them emotionally hostage forever?

Just curious...

[Dera]

This is something I had not considered, but it sounds possible to me. Having a baby would be a way to prevent being abandoned, in their minds.

[C12P21]

I know that they use  many people... but do they pick certain people that they feel are the most beneficial for them overall, with the hope of  holding them emotionally hostage forever?

My opinion is from my experience and I would say, yes, they do.

[diotima]

I agree with C12P21, based on my experience. My ex wanted me as a default position as he continued to serially cheat--wanted me to be there each time it blew up (like a bank account or something). I think he had done this before and each time the default person decided it wasn't worth it.
Diotima

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[susanleona]

Good topic.  I think that I've been turning into this.

[Alpine]

i would have to think yes (although I am not a (pro)

My bpexgf learned she was pregnant 2 weeks after I left her for good.  She has decided to keep the baby.  And although I am completely responsible for the mess I am in now,  (stupidly I didn't use protection the last time we were intimate), she blatantly disregarded any clear argument against keeping this child.  At best it grows up the child of single parents who get along and share custody.  At worst...well...I cant even begin to imagine.

 I hope and pray there is only 1 emotional hostage in my situation (me).  Years ago I dated a woman who's mother had BP and she was so screwed up it was heart breaking.

[Sabine]

I would bet yes but mine was so emotionally underdeveloped when it came to taking care of himself it's hard to imagine him having a child. I once asked him why he never had children (he's 47) and he admitted that he was never 'financial' stable enough and would never bring a child in to this world unless he could take care of it. He also had a lot of trouble dating women who had kids. He said he never wanted to be responsible for another man's child.

Very shortly after we started to date he said to me, "I'd have a baby with you." I'm positive he said this b/c he knew I couldn't have children and felt safe by saying. He wanted to sound 100% committed to me though...

[redberry]

Yes, and it's not just their significant others.  It's anybody in their lives who can possibly serve some purpose for them.  We form relationships with people that we like, they form relationships with people that they need.

[soul]

Yes, and it's not just their significant others.  It's anybody in their lives who can possibly serve some purpose for them.  We form relationships with people that we like, they form relationships with people that they need.

I would totally agree with this. They will do what ever they need to get what they want. They will justify it to themselves, by saying they are in love, or any myriad of other reasons. Then one day they will get out their black paint brush, and the host will be coloured black. My BPDexg, moved straight in with an old guy who is apparently dying of cancer. At first, this would appear to be a noble act, until you know, as I do, that that is how she got her first house. Living with an old guy who had cancer ... coincidence .. i don't think so.

[sm15000]

I know that they use  many people... but do they pick certain people that they feel are the most beneficial for them overall, with the hope of  holding them emotionally hostage forever?

About 2/3 months before I ended my r/s, my ex (after drinking) let slip that I was his 'best bet'. . .panicked like hell saying he didn't mean it that way when I said "I'm your what?" but I should imagine that's what was going on in his head. . .he was cheating at the time too

[Empty]

Hostage? Well yes if you want to put it in regards to the person and not the child. My BPDw certainly would consider that the kids tie me to her, however, another way to look at it is that i am blessed and fortunate to have the joy of parenthood. I willingly give myself as hostage to my kids yet reject being held hostage by my wife. My plans really don'tinclude her yet they include the kids. It doesn't mean she doesn't exist it simply means that she no longer holds that paticular piece of power that she thought she had.

Originally was a means of holding me as an emotional hostage and for years she held this, now the tables are turning and it is apparent to me that while she can try to control me with her devious ways ultimately it is entirely in my power if i am willing to allow this. Slowly i am making the steps in my mind to sieze back my freedom and reject her control. She knows she has lost many of her former areas in which she could hold power over me and even to her it must be coming clear to her that she is losing her grip on the reins when it comes to using her tricks and taunts in order to "own" me.

[nonhere]

Good thread.  An "emotional hostage" is what I've felt like for over 2 years; I think I'm coming out of it now.  I thought it was my decision and my risk, my gamble, to go on hoping that this pwBPD would come clean with me; but it's clear now how many strategies and tactics she used to prevent clarity from ever being reached.  Clarity - about who she is, about what she wants - would have allowed me to walk away.

I was reading Kimber43's post, and it made me curious... Do BPDs try to trap certain people so that they will forever have an "in"?
I know that they use  many people... but do they pick certain people that they feel are the most beneficial for them overall, with the hope of  holding them emotionally hostage forever?

I don't know about deliberately trapping people.  No, I should be clear: I agree that BPD people DO trap people: I'm living proof, and though I contributed to it by my enabling, there's no doubt that their behaviour was designed to trap me.  I've been through the "entrapment through baby" as well, years ago, and that is no fun.  I still don't know whether that child (unborn) whose existence and end racked me with so much emotion, ever actually existed.

Maybe what I'm a bit reluctant to think is that pwBPD deliberately plan to trap, to hold emotionally hostage, in some cold-hearted, ruthless way.  This of course may not be what smartwoman was trying to imply, it's just a thought that came to me.

YMMV.  What I'm thinking (at the moment, in my own process of recovering) is that the pwBPDs (3 past r/s, I now realise!) I know just do not see the effects of what they do.  What it feels like for an other person to be held emotionally hostage by their neediness is just not a factor in their calculations.  Which is what makes them so terrifying to deal with: I've tried everything, but there is no way to make them know what they do not want to know, see what they do not want to see.  It's not evil or merciless, it's like a form of blindness.  And there's a block on information, on hearing anything that'll open their eyes.

An environmental parallel: years ago when environmentalism was new, a big corporation might be polluting a river.  The people running the corporation wouldn't be walking around all day thinking "ha ha ha, we're making big profits, and polluting that river, but who cares about the river?  Our profits are more important".  They'd just not even think about the river at all; it just wouldn't come into their thoughts or calculations.  I think pwBPD are the same way.

i would have to think yes (although I am not a (pro)

My bpexgf learned she was pregnant 2 weeks after I left her for good.  She has decided to keep the baby.  And although I am completely responsible for the mess I am in now,  (stupidly I didn't use protection the last time we were intimate), she blatantly disregarded any clear argument against keeping this child.  At best it grows up the child of single parents who get along and share custody.  At worst...well...I cant even begin to imagine.

 I hope and pray there is only 1 emotional hostage in my situation (me).  Years ago I dated a woman who's mother had BP and she was so screwed up it was heart breaking.

Horrible situation LJH365!  I wish the best to you to make the best of it.  It's very like what happened to me years ago; except that in my situation, the pregnancy didn't go to term.  Still, the guilt for that (which of course I felt) was a great "in" for the woman to control me.

My latest (and last, I hope) BPDx has a mother who almost certainly has BPD.  And yep, it is heartbreaking.

[GettinStronger]

OMG - I didnt really think about this in a while...but yes, yes, yes!  Mine even went on a rant about how selfish it was for me to have had my tubes tied in a previous marriage (after 3 children) and I should hve known I wasn't happy and someone I will be with in the future would want me to have their kids? WTH? LOL - anyway he started researching the costs and operation to undo the tubal.  At that point I do remember thinking, you have lost your damn mind if you think I'm having your kid.