So weird to feel pity for them even as they yell at you

[Think About It...]

Spoke with my exBPD over the weekend and felt nothing.
Well, nothing nearing a desire to be back with him or to rekindle our old r/s
Instead, as I listened to him rage on about how psycho my replacement was and how they have been painted black, I felt pity
I saw this illness for what it is...and understood what this means for my expwBPD. And it is very sad.
Not a hint of irony...that he could slander the name of his latest ex to me...the same person he has spent the last 6 months giving the silent treatment!
So at the end of the call he starts the cute voices and the 'trailing off' that I used to find so adorable. But I didn't fall for it.
Just told him it was way too late to be calling and that I might talk another time...(I won't)
But in the three days since, I can see this illness for what it is. And I feel very sorry for him. I have grown so much from this. Still am.
But he hasn't. No ounce of personal accountability in his version of latest events. And I fast forward in my head to see this sad figure. Forever single. A litany of human carnage in his wake.
I worry for ME...and my ability to feel empathy for him already...after all the pain he has inflicted on me.
Way too soon for me to go to forgiveness. But then I realise, there are no winners in this story at all, are there? So I can feel sorry for him and forgive him as I lick my wounds but grow into a new and better and stronger person from this.
Bb12

[bb12]

Spoke with my exBPD over the weekend and felt nothing.
Well, nothing nearing a desire to be back with him or to rekindle our old r/s
Instead, as I listened to him rage on about how psycho my replacement was and how they have been painted black, I felt pity
I saw this illness for what it is...and understood what this means for my expwBPD. And it is very sad.
Not a hint of irony...that he could slander the name of his latest ex to me...the same person he has spent the last 6 months giving the silent treatment!
So at the end of the call he starts the cute voices and the 'trailing off' that I used to find so adorable. But I didn't fall for it.
Just told him it was way too late to be calling and that I might talk another time...(I won't)
But in the three days since, I can see this illness for what it is. And I feel very sorry for him. I have grown so much from this. Still am.
But he hasn't. No ounce of personal accountability in his version of latest events. And I fast forward in my head to see this sad figure. Forever single. A litany of human carnage in his wake.
I worry for ME...and my ability to feel empathy for him already...after all the pain he has inflicted on me.
Way too soon for me to go to forgiveness. But then I realise, there are no winners in this story at all, are there? So I can feel sorry for him and forgive him as I lick my wounds but grow into a new and better and stronger person from this.
Bb12

[truly amazed]

Hi,

Yes the journey is interesting and to become somewhat indifferent to someone that hurt you is a good sign. 

But then I realise, there are no winners in this story at all, are there? So I can feel sorry for him and forgive him as I lick my wounds but grow into a new and better and stronger person from this.

Quite clearly your the winner in so many ways if you think about it 

[LoveNYC]

BB, if there is a winner then it is you.

[Forestaken]

Yesterday, I told my uBPDw (over the phone) I was filing for divorce. Her first reaction was predictable: "You have a lover" but in the course of the 1+ hour conversation she knew it wasn't true.  For the first time in 24 years, she cried and begged me. I felt my heart being ripped out bc I truly care for her but I cannot take anymore physical and verbal abuse.

Yesterday and today I felt like a POS.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[tigerlily66]

I remember the night I KNEW I had to leave, as I listened to his final rage, just checking off everything he said in my head like a BPD checklist, it was almost entertaining waiting to hear what he'd say next. I did kind of pity him, knowing it's a disorder. It was a weird moment. Before I knew about BPD, I would just get confused about these absurd rages, wondering what I did to trigger it. I finally realized that I couldn't fix him, that I had to get out of there for my own sanity...

[HostNoMore]

bb12:

That is a good sign for you.  It reminded me of my St. Valentine's day where my exBPDgf tried to re-engage me.  I just sat there coldly analyzing her behavior as an outside observer.  I remember feeling pity for her too.  

I also felt joy for myself as she was no longer my problem.  I also felt pity for her current host as I could have taken full advantage of the situation.

Congratulations on reaching a new plateau.

[bb12]

Thanks everyone
And yeah, hostnomore, it is a new plateau
Still not sure what to feel. The legacy of a very painful year still sees me reeling a bit, but not about him. Just the core stuff he churned up. I can now address all of that independent of him and the crazy dance!
X bb12

[pallavirajsinghani]

Please do read the Patty Hearst kidnapping story and its subsequent emotional effect on her (falling in love with the kidnappers).

Do read in depth about the term,  "Stockholm Syndrome".

This will help shed light on why we feel the emotion of pity for our abusers and want to help them rather than help ourselves.

I am a DV survivor.  This emotion puzzled me for a long time.  I know now and have battled it out of me with great difficulty.  After I wrenched this emotion out of myself, then came anger and outrage and sense of great injustice and pity and sorrow for myself.

Only then came peace.

Please do understand this phenomenon in yourself and accept it.

However, do not give in to it.  It can be very seductive.  We, the abused are for so long used to downgrading ourselves that we believe that we do not even deserve pity and sorrow and compassion for ourselves.  Good emotions we feel towards them ----because of extreme low self esteem brought upon by recurrent abuse, we should feel for ourselves.

God bless.

[HostNoMore]

bb,

Once I reached that point, I found my emotional recovery began to accelerate rapidly.   These relationships are very difficult to com back from.

HNM