Three months today

[Think About It...]

Today marks three months NC.

For those who are new here, I said the SAME EXACT things you said when I came here about two months ago. I was in the same exact place, it's uncanny how our words are identical.

It really DOES get better! I'm proof!

On the occasions that I do miss "him", I remind myself that the person I fell for does not exist. He is smoke and mirrors, lies and manipulations. The beast I saw was the real person, and I've come to see how truly empty he is. All those times I begged him to give me ANY of the things I gave him (trust, affection, respect, etc), I know now were impossible. He gives nothing because he is empty and has nothing to give. That is the big secret behind the act.

My advice to newcomers:

* stay NC; it us the tourniquet that stops the bleeding
* lean on people here, those in your life likely won't understand unless they've been close to someone with a PD
* write a list of awful things they've done or said, or ways they've failed you; keep it in your cell phone's memo pad
* don't date until you are ready
* ask yourself if you would encourage a friend to return to an identical relationship, I'm fairly certain you would not
* learn as much as you can about codependency

For those who came before me, I an in your debt. This site has answered so many questions and been my life line.

[LoveNYC]

Today marks three months NC.

For those who are new here, I said the SAME EXACT things you said when I came here about two months ago. I was in the same exact place, it's uncanny how our words are identical.

It really DOES get better! I'm proof!

On the occasions that I do miss "him", I remind myself that the person I fell for does not exist. He is smoke and mirrors, lies and manipulations. The beast I saw was the real person, and I've come to see how truly empty he is. All those times I begged him to give me ANY of the things I gave him (trust, affection, respect, etc), I know now were impossible. He gives nothing because he is empty and has nothing to give. That is the big secret behind the act.

My advice to newcomers:

* stay NC; it us the tourniquet that stops the bleeding
* lean on people here, those in your life likely won't understand unless they've been close to someone with a PD
* write a list of awful things they've done or said, or ways they've failed you; keep it in your cell phone's memo pad
* don't date until you are ready
* ask yourself if you would encourage a friend to return to an identical relationship, I'm fairly certain you would not
* learn as much as you can about codependency

For those who came before me, I an in your debt. This site has answered so many questions and been my life line.

[truly amazed]

Fantastic list 

* stay NC; it us the tourniquet that stops the bleeding
* lean on people here, those in your life likely won't understand unless they've been close to someone with a PD
* write a list of awful things they've done or said, or ways they've failed you; keep it in your cell phone's memo pad
* don't date until you are ready
* ask yourself if you would encourage a friend to return to an identical relationship, I'm fairly certain you would not
* learn as much as you can about codependency

Would add one to it ... get a therapist or shrink if you need. Feel no shame as sometimes it needed ... an expert on a subject who can explain things to you that they have dealt with time and time again.

Peace to all 

[Confuzzled104]

It s been about 3 weeks for me with limited contact with my exBPD gf of 3 years... I know it is best to stay completely NC but we work in the same place different jobs...and it has been rough...how do you get over the feeling of failure in yourself...that is the issue I find the past 2 times we broke up...I always feel like I failed her...Idk how to get over this hump...and this is where I feel she works on me at and gets me to relent...I was never one to give on anybody or anything...I believe anything is possible and everybody can be helped...especially those you care about. Any advice on how to get over this feeling?

[SHolloway]

LoveNYC, at the start of my day you made me smile in your other thread and you are still making me smile at the end of the day!   Thank you for your positive, infectious mood!  I agree with all the tips you gave to newcomers and with what truly amazed added, if we all can stick with this list we will be on our way to a better future.  

Holly  

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[patientandclear]

LoveNYC: you've been such a stalwart companion on this board!  Of all you've written, one post (called "sad tonight" or something similar) has really stuck with me.  Sad for all of us, sad for my replacement, sad for the girl I replaced, sad for the excited girl I was, thinking I was so lucky ...

I always feel like I failed her...Idk how to get over this hump...and this is where I feel she works on me at and gets me to relent...I was never one to give on anybody or anything...I believe anything is possible and everybody can be helped...especially those you care about. Any advice on how to get over this feeling?

Confuzzled:

Welcome.  OK, I'll take this one!  To condense my story incredibly: I was in a long-term relationship with an emotionally & eventually physically abusive man who was at least clinically depressed and probably something more.  (This is NOT the man about whom I am on this board now.)  I worked to take care of/help him for 14 years, from my mid-20s to 40.  I gave the project my entire early adulthood, basically.  I am a determined, talented woman and I gave it my all.  I loved him with every fiber of my being--I cared so much I bled.

You know what?  In any that time, with all that sacrifice (and there was a tremendous amount of sacrifice), he never got one iota better.  Nor did he appreciate what I was doing.  The more I tried the more contemptuous, mean and dysfunctional (not to mention self-sabotaging) he got.

Fast forward ... five years after we split after a catastrophic instance of abuse in front of my entire extended family (so I could no longer pretend things were OK), after a high-conflict divorce, custody battle, the whole works.  We are friends.  I feel like I've finally found again the person I liked 19 years ago.  The trick?  I left him entirely alone for years (except necessary communication about my daughter).  He found his way back to himself and ultimately back to me, on healthy, respectful terms, just because we actually do have a lot in common (many values, lots of history, a child).  He still has lots of problems to sort out (or not).  But he no longer lays any of that at my feet.  It's his.  We both accept that.  Neither of us looks to me to do anything about it.  I care about him, but that doesn't involve my rescuing or making him whole.

That experience is why, when I fell in love with a man with uBPD last year, and he left me suddenly over nothing that made any sense, and then sort of left me again when we were going to try again but I asked him to figure out what had gone wrong before ... and then he turned to his ex-girlfriend immediately rather than doing that work with me ... and I was (and sort of still am) utterly devastated ... the one article of faith I clung to was: you cannot fix this.  You cannot heal this.  This is his.  He may or may not ever deal with it.  It may be too hard for him to deal with.  But the only possible way for him to heal is for him to decide, for him to draw the necessary conclusions, and take the necessary steps.  I have no role in this (except maybe being part of the loss pile that may get so high he can no longer bear it).

Had I not lived through this with my ex-ex, I would have found it impossible to walk away & watch him just turn to someone else, as if she is going to make it better for him (any more than I was going to make it better for him).

I am far from done with my mourning and healing -- I think not as far along as LoveNYC though more time has elapsed for me.  Maybe because my BPDexbf only treated me badly when he left.  While we were together, all was blissful and seemed safe and good.  But once it went so very wrong, there was some trip-wire that would not let me wade in and try to fix this myself, and I think it was from having lived through the futility of that in my prior r/s, and the unexpected blessing of a normalized r/s with that man once I stopped trying to save him.

[LoveNYC]

Thanks, everyone for your kind words. I'm lucky to have taken this journey with you. PandC, I remember that post and that nite well, and am glad to have come so far out of that constant sadness.

As for the feeling of failure, I did struggle with the guilt that I left someone who was sick. I stayed WAY longer than was safe for me and the upshot of that sad fact is the peace of mind that I'd done everything I could have and I have no "what ifs".  You also have to accept that they have an allergy to intimacy. YOU have become the trigger for the panic, abuse and insanity. You do neither you nor then a favor by staying. 

Keep up on the board. Each post helps you heal.
 

[LoveNYC]

[/quote]

Would add one to it ... get a therapist or shrink if you need. Feel no shame as sometimes it needed ... an expert on a subject who can explain things to you that they have dealt with time and time again.

[/quote]

Yes! This is also key.

[truly amazed]

Hi Love NYC ...

Yep ... we as non's try and apply logic to someone who is sadly seriously mentally ill and fall way short. We relive their views, the good times we crave intially ... the honeymoon ... we tend to forget the awful times ... and like you I did a list and reminded myself time and time again.

The T I saw ... a very qualified one with over 30 years took it even futher with an anology ... getting me to ignore every action both good and bad from my ex. He asked when I passed someone seriously mentally ill in the street muttering to themselves and foaming at the mouth did I take notes ? Or even listen ? Of course not ... he then went well your ex whilst appearing normal and high functioning is actually more ill than that person in the street so why are you listening ... ruminating ? Ignore Ignore ignore ... good stuff and bad.

Its a journey and thanks for sharing your list. Mine is similar.

Another maybe for the list.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF ...  you made a mistake and your only human. Be kind to yourself and only take the blame for what is yours NOT what you were accused of. I was accused of 100% of the reasons why ... yet I never swore or abused, cheated or was violent ... but I accepted 100% of the blame as to why. It was me making my ex get drunk and hit me ... spit on me ...  seriously idiotic I accepted it ... so be kind to yourself !

Big hug to all   

[Confuzzled104]

Thank you both for the advice and I could not imagine going thru what you went thru patientandclear...I have been with my ex BPD gf for 3 years almost my entire college life...I gave up almost everything to help her...succeed I guess is the words, and I feel like I have nothing to show for it except alot of good and bad memories...arguments that never could be won...feelings I could never share because of how she explodes..it was just intense and to hear you go thru almost 20 years of that is just amazing..I am only 20 yrs old right now I met her when I was 17 and it is hard seeing someone be so hard on themselves then turn on you the person who is trying to give them that helping hand and basically rip them to pieces yet say they love you and want to marry you...

NYC I also understand where you are coming from the other day I contacted her to try one last ditch effort to help her see..maybe break through the fog of what she is going thru...I printed out a few articles showing the effects of BPD and how everything she has told me and I have seen/been going thru with her was displayed right in the articles. I have had little contact with her prior to this for approx. a month and I felt off like I needed closure...I guess you could say...I sat her down and explained to her everything I felt and saw and gave her the articles to read...not surprising she got upset and angry because she thought I missed her and wanted to go back with her when she was the one that left me.  She denied having BPD but when I gave her clear behavioral patterns that she displayed she dismissed them like they had no correlation. Since then I haven_

[rooftop]

Today marks three months NC.

For those who are new here, I said the SAME EXACT things you said when I came here about two months ago. I was in the same exact place, it's uncanny how our words are identical.

It really DOES get better! I'm proof!

On the occasions that I do miss "him", I remind myself that the person I fell for does not exist. He is smoke and mirrors, lies and manipulations. The beast I saw was the real person, and I've come to see how truly empty he is. All those times I begged him to give me ANY of the things I gave him (trust, affection, respect, etc), I know now were impossible. He gives nothing because he is empty and has nothing to give. That is the big secret behind the act.

My advice to newcomers:

* stay NC; it us the tourniquet that stops the bleeding
* lean on people here, those in your life likely won't understand unless they've been close to someone with a PD
* write a list of awful things they've done or said, or ways they've failed you; keep it in your cell phone's memo pad
* don't date until you are ready
* ask yourself if you would encourage a friend to return to an identical relationship, I'm fairly certain you would not
* learn as much as you can about codependency

For those who came before me, I an in your debt. This site has answered so many questions and been my life line.

Love your work LNYC- i am just over 2mths total NC and getting so strong i can smile and be happy again 
Your list is so spot on.

 
RT

[Sabine]

Woo Hoo! A milestone has been met! 3 months, 90 days, 2160 hours, or 129,600 minutes! That's awesome LoveNYC you have come a long way in your journey I love reading your posts and hearing how far you've come. 

[abovebeyond]

Congratulations. You are doing it. I'm 3.5 mo. What a trek it's been and it ain't over yet. Your words have inspired me on this board.

[LoveNYC]

Love you guys!

You helped bring me back.