I told her today that I was divorcing her ~ it was hard

[Think About It...]

 Hi! Forstaken,

I am really proud of you for taking your big step! You have obviously come to a point when enough is enough. I know it's scary, but you already have so much support, the people here, your kids, and your therapist(s)! Even the cops who didn't listen to her bullying brother-in-law. Sometimes the scariest things in life bring us such strength to get through them, only to find out, "Hey, I'm really doing this and I'm going to be okay" better than okay actually.

I've had to take that 'leap of faith' a lot in my 49 years of life and as long as I'm doing something that is taking care of myself (humbly), I've received the rewards of peace of mind and it's priceless. Your children probably already see your strength and respect you so much.

Keep up the good work and keep posting! 

[Sabine]

 Hi! Forstaken,

I am really proud of you for taking your big step! You have obviously come to a point when enough is enough. I know it's scary, but you already have so much support, the people here, your kids, and your therapist(s)! Even the cops who didn't listen to her bullying brother-in-law. Sometimes the scariest things in life bring us such strength to get through them, only to find out, "Hey, I'm really doing this and I'm going to be okay" better than okay actually.

I've had to take that 'leap of faith' a lot in my 49 years of life and as long as I'm doing something that is taking care of myself (humbly), I've received the rewards of peace of mind and it's priceless. Your children probably already see your strength and respect you so much.

Keep up the good work and keep posting! 

[Forestaken]

Last night I was jumpy, I thought I saw my Brother-in -law looking through the front door windows (he is tall).   He had done that years ago, as a joke.  We didn't like it then nor now.

I finally slept through the night last night.  D18 is still having restless sleeps though, it worries me since she going to be facing final exams for the next 2 weeks.  Her teachers know. Hopefully, we can get some relief this weekend.  We want to go back home but when we get there we feel uneasy.  I'm always checking the windows.

[Kifazes]

The thing I thought was the most "extreme":

raging at me, for hours, about a boiling pot of water, that boiled one minute too long.
I should have put in the rice just that minute sooner 

[Sabine]

Last night I was jumpy, I thought I saw my Brother-in -law looking through the front door windows (he is tall).   He had done that years ago, as a joke.  We didn't like it then nor now.

I finally slept through the night last night.  D18 is still having restless sleeps though, it worries me since she going to be facing final exams for the next 2 weeks.  Her teachers know. Hopefully, we can get some relief this weekend.  We want to go back home but when we get there we feel uneasy.  I'm always checking the windows.

Hi Forestaken,

It sounds like PTSD, pure torture. Mine used to fight with me just before an important event or project I was facing the next day and it made me a wreck!  It felt so unfair to be so traumatized by him. Your daughter shouldn't have to go through this before her exams and I feel for you and her. I hope you can get through this and anything else that comes your way. Thankfully you have T that can help you with this too...hang in there! 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Forestaken]

uBPDw was on the phone last night with S22 who is in college.

He called me this morning at 9:20 (he's class starts at 9am), he couldn't sleep last night since she called him at 10:40pm.  He was too worked up emotionally about the call. I told him to get to class. This afternoon, I will tell him that he needs not to take calls after 9pm.

Picking up D18 after school, she is wearing a skirt for her presentation and it is raining.  Prevents uBPDw from getting in the house before court (tomorrow).

[Kifazes]

Oh! I'm so sorry, I misposted my post!
Sorry, I just notice it...

[owdrs]

fore,
hang in there. It sounds like you may have to go through quite a struggle to get clear. I've seen my d14 get sucked in by w as she is trying to get to me using the kids. And my poor d just hurts for her mom. She wants to help so much but no matter what she does w just wants to throw fit after fit. I find that if I can educate my kids on what is really going on that helps a bit. Like saying, 'when w says this how does that make you feel.. you don't deserve to be attacked or...' something like that where I show what's happening from an outside pov. If I can make it less personal it helps, like mom has a very hard time controlling her emotions--she really does care about you but cant stop her anger. Something like that.

It still won't take away the constant meanness and its effects. But my kids then get to see a calm caring person that they can count on, me, and go to when they feel bad. I can't tell you how many times over the years they have shared how mom has mistreated them when i am not around. I have written a lot of it down. My w used to say she got along great with the kids when I wasn't around (like her mistreatment only happened while I was there) but they would tell a completely different story. I came to keep their comments to myself and gained their trust. I felt they needed a safe harbor. Plus, early on I would repeat what they told me to w so she could work on it, and all she did was fight back harder. So I quit that.

Sorry, seems it's easy on here to get sidetracked with your own stories. My point is to find ways to strengthen yourself. Your kids are older and know what's going on. They will see the truth and will want only that you get to a happier life. You sure have earned it.
owdrs

[Forestaken]

My D18 may need to testify.  At first, W want a "peaceful" Divorce but her L says I physically forced her out while the police were there. But they didn't arrest anyone.

[Sabine]

Hi Forestaken,

Sorry to hear about all the drama. It's unfortunate that there isn't going to be an 'easy' break. Maybe you could post some of your concerns about the divorce on Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody
There are a lot of people who have been where you are now. Either way...you will get through this stay strong and focused on the carrot.
Big Hugs coming your way...

[Forestaken]

I'm doing well. It's been 8 days since I told her I wanted a divorce and 7 days since she returned.

NC with me
NC with the children (unless they call) then they are upset afterwards.  She doesn't believe them when they tell them there is no "other woman".
When the religous issues comes up ('till death do us part, yadda, yahha, etc).
I never promised to
-Become a victim of physical, verbal and emotion abuse
-Be accused falsely of infidelity
-Become someone's personal servant and bank.

I thought I would get a partner not a master who beat me.

I have resentment but with the skill of my T and my own inner strength I can move on.

[Sabine]

When the religous issues comes up ('till death do us part, yadda, yahha, etc).
I never promised to
-Become a victim of physical, verbal and emotion abuse
-Be accused falsely of infidelity
-Become someone's personal servant and bank.

I thought I would get a partner not a master who beat me.

I have resentment but with the skill of my T and my own inner strength I can move on.

Hi Forestaken,

Wow, these are powerful words to remember. It will get better, you just hang in there, talk to T and stay strong. When my parents got a divorce it was hard not to 'blame' someone...it turned out there was nobody to blame and that things just happen for the better. I'm sure your children will come around. Just keep taking care of you so you can be there for them...

Big hugs! I'm glad you're doing well...keep posting to us! 

[truly amazed]

Howdy,

I never promised to
-Become a victim of physical, verbal and emotion abuse
-Be accused falsely of infidelity
-Become someone's personal servant and bank.

I thought I would get a partner not a master who beat me.

I have resentment but with the skill of my T and my own inner strength I can move on.

Proud of you !

I could have written the stuff above but was so deep in the FOG early on with contact it would have been impossible. In many ways PTSD and Stockholm syndrome and actually blaming myself ... so I very proud of you that you can say it and move on.

For now NC is about you, putting space between you and the above. NC is about healing for you and healing for the kids and it makes it so difficult for them also having to deal with these issues. I have a BPD mother so have some idea the impact it can have on them. I am sure you are layering them with love and hats off to you !

Anger for what happened ... you will get there and then past it ... also forgiving yourself. Eventually it will come, sadly we are human and you ... and I and I suspect most on the boards who endured abuse physical emotional and financial and verbal and all the rest ... endured it for a noble reason. Maybe like me trying with love to fix something which cant be fixed ? Maybe because you loved the other you endured it whilst not understading BPD or the horrible thing is was. I am sure you have your own reasons and THEY are very good, maybe for the kids ... it doesn't matter your human and I am sure you were there and endured what you did for a good reason. Now your past that and very happy to read your previous post.

Fantastic ... forgive yourself and take care of both yourself and the kids.


Big hug 

[whirlpoollife]

Forestaken, how well your last post is the truth.  I have all but the physical abuse.
 My h has had his notice two weeks ago and is doing a fine distortion campaign.
How have you explained why you are divorcing when the news of it spreads?  Not putting light of your physical abuse but if I had one black eye it would be so easy. No one sees the rest.

[andywho]

Thank you for sharing this with us. I know it must have been real hard. I usually post in the undecided boards as im still in my RS.
But i did break up with her some months ago but took her back in becaurse of her begging and promises to change.

Do i regret giving her a chance? Oh yes! No its even harder to break up then before is we kinda made a promise to eachother to work on our RS and we have a one year old boy wich makes it even harder.

You have shown courage here.

[andywho]

I actually at the end of my much shorter relationship blamed myself and took 100% of the blame for various things. I never even raised my vioce let alone swore or abused ... never violent and just restrained her when she was ... but I accepted 100% of the blame at the end of the relationship.

Why why why do we do this... im at the verge up breaking up with my GF... but just cant seem to do it. Everytime i think about leaving her i feel really bad inside and feel like im giving up my family. I question myself.. am i doing the right thing? Am i the one beeing wrong? Am i the one with the problem? Is it me making the problems?

Oooh... the doubts.

[Forestaken]

Here's the story:
May 27: She's overseas. screaming at me to buy her a return plane home for our D's H.S. graduation.  I told her I'm divorcing her.  Her first reaction was there was another woman.  When she got it, that it wasn't that she vowed to change and it broke my heart.  But reading BPD post for the past 8 years gave me the courage to stand my ground.  She claimed she didn't have money to come back.
May 28: She shows up at the front door. Some how got money to come back.  I was in shock.

Please fight your good side. I spent 24 regretful years with a woman who did not appreciate me one bit.  Now, I am alone and happy. Frankly at age 49, I could care less about my partner status.  I am at peace and am moving on to things I want to do.

[truly amazed]

Wow

Please fight your good side. I spent 24 regretful years with a woman who did not appreciate me one bit.  Now, I am alone and happy. Frankly at age 49, I could care less about my partner status.  I am at peace and am moving on to things I want to do.

Being of a similar age ... life is now your oyster 

You can do the things you always wanted to and held back. Take time to heal and yep whilst without a partner you are not alone. You have friends and family and everything else and a whole new world to explore.

Take care

[pallavirajsinghani]

49 is the new 29/39 take your pick.

I just met with a colleague of mine who told me very proudly that she is 62 years old!  A fitness instructor...fantastically happy person...leads a fulfilled life, has a biker dude of a boyfriend.  I was floored...no plastic surgery...just pure contented life...she looks no more than 42 or 45.

There is no bad age to reinvent yourself.  This is a painful rite of passage.  You have already walked through coals...now gradually it is time to let the burns on your soles and your spirit heal...and while that is happening, the process of reinvention/recreation/healing of the Self will begin.

You wanted to be a professional kite flyer on the beach?  Now is the time to prepare for it.

Hike the Amazon region...start walking the neighborhood.

Nascar race car driver?  Enroll in a special driver course...

There is a great saying in the old cultures, Anytime you bait the fish out of the water, it is fresh, whether it has taken you 25 years to catch that fish, 40 years or 4 months...whenever you catch it, it is fresh.

Savor small pleasures.  Feel the aroma of your morning coffee, don't just gulp it down.  Look, really look at the way your daughter's hair falls on her forehead,   really notice the way the sunlight pours out of the windows.

Develop your senses in small miniscule ways and you will see healing creep in and then will rain manna of full fledged ecstasy.

:-)

[Forestaken]

I am STEAMED!

She is falsely accusing me of the violent nature she was guilty of.

Folks: If your BPD is a gf or bf, leave!

I can't even type straight now.

[schwing]

She is falsely accusing me of the violent nature she was guilty of.

Don't think of it as a lie.  Think of it as the distorted perceptions of a disordered woman.  It is common for people with BPD (pwBPD) to "project" behaviors and feelings they have which they cannot accept about themselves.

Fortunately you have your journal to back up your version of events. 

I told her I'm divorcing her.  Her first reaction was there was another woman. 

Of course this is her reaction, this is how she would do it if she decided to divorce you: she would find another man first.

Please fight your good side. I spent 24 regretful years with a woman who did not appreciate me one bit.  Now, I am alone and happy. Frankly at age 49, I could care less about my partner status.  I am at peace and am moving on to things I want to do.

You don't have to fight your good side.  You just need to learn to apply your good side towards your own needs and care. Be your own best advocate FIRST.  And don't put other people's needs ahead of your own, until your needs are well take care of FIRST.  This doesn't make you a selfish person.  You can't take care of other people, if you can't take care of yourself.

I thought I would get a partner not a master who beat me.

This quote reminds me of something I read in "Codependent No more":

"Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman_