You ever audit the Staying Board?

[Think About It...]

...just to see how the other half is living? Man, they got it rough over there too! Never thought I'd be glad I was over here even though I miss the good parts of the RS.

[abovebeyond]

...just to see how the other half is living? Man, they got it rough over there too! Never thought I'd be glad I was over here even though I miss the good parts of the RS.

[redberry]

I read over there a few times, without posting.  It's sad.  I feel sorry for them and wonder how long before they'll see this disorder for what it is and join us over here.

[bb12]

I feel saddest for the parents of pwBPD. Imagine what hell they have lived all this time.
I was talking about my ex to a friend at dinner last week and she told me her brother had just been diagnosed with it.
Her mum still goes in, gets hurt, pulls away, then goes in again.
But my friend has been badly burnt and keeps a healthy distance now. Has an ok r/s with her brother now, but very light on.
pwBPD seem to need a bit of distance in r/s with family. It can't be intense or too intimate
But yeah - I look over there every now and again. No regrets here...despite doing some very tough yards to get this far
BB12

[soul]

Really reminds you what it was like. A nightmare .. I feel like telling them all to run for their lives and don't look back ..

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[suz124w]

Yes,

I started doing it when I felt moments of weakness romanticising the relationship.

I still do it to remind myself of the harsh realities of the downsides of the relationship with a BPDex.

Now I feel sorry for the people who are trying so hard to make things work.  They are all solicitous and compassionate to a fault.  They are blinded by their own feelings of 'love' and unable to see the emotional toll they are paying themselves.  It's such a tragic situation.

[LoveNYC]

I do it when I'm feeling weak. I usually end up nauseous and twitchy as I see some much of his behavior there. I feel kind of guilty, but I do visit the Staying board to remind myself that I'm missing out on Hell, not a REAL bond.

The practices they are using there to try toamafe the relationship are sad. They're basically abandoning any hope of a healthy relationship and spending 100% of their lives on tiptoeing around a crazy person. Sadly, many are bound by children and feel they have no choice.

I want to scoop them all up and bring them here. 

Ironically, when I first found this site I read the staying board. Then I curiously peeked here, ("I can't leave him, but what's THIS board say") and I was affirmed I'm my belief that I needed NC.

[Dera]

I did go over, on someone here's recommendation, and yeah reading one story was enough to bring me to reality.

I don't necessarily see it like they are wrong and we are right though. As long as it is an informed choice, and you realize you will always be their caretaker, and you accept all that that entails including the responsibility to work your butt off to get healthy yourself, it could be the right choice for someone.

[soul]

I can see myself in the posts on the staying board, all the same arguments, the same logic, the same hope. I guess it also shows how far we have come. It ALL painful, but I would rather be here.

[tigerlily66]

Yeah, sometimes I do read posts on there, then it makes me feel guilty because I think maybe I could have tried harder. Once I found out what my husband's problem really was -BPD, I had to leave. I just couldn't do it anymore. I spent 22 years being codependent to what I thought was a pot addiction, but then finally realized that was just a part of the big picture. Even if he quits the pot, without intensive therapy, the disorder will always be there. I guess I just don't like to fail, and in my mind failing at marriage is a big one. But if I'm honest with myself, we did not have a true intimate marriage anyway- EVER...it's sad.

[HostNoMore]

I've trolled it a few times.  I find it difficult as it is the antithesis of the way I view the whole BPD thing. 

They dig in and want to be a caretaker whereas I am like the proverbial rat off the sinking ship. 

Yet, as a fellow non, I kind of admire them in a way for their wanting to help attitude though I know that they are dooming themselves to a living hell on Earth.

Some will cross over to be with us.  Some will hang in there until they die suffering immeasurably.  A lucky few will be rewarded with actually shepherding a BPD to a full recovery.

God speed to all of them.  They are shouldering a tremendous load.  They have my utmost respect.  I, however, cannot be like that.

[abovebeyond]

I did go over, on someone here's recommendation, and yeah reading one story was enough to bring me to reality.

I don't necessarily see it like they are wrong and we are right though. As long as it is an informed choice, and you realize you will always be their caretaker, and you accept all that that entails including the responsibility to work your butt off to get healthy yourself, it could be the right choice for someone.

AGREEED.

We were all them at one time, except I didn't know about BPD till it was too late. Not sure how I'd have reacted if I knew while still in the RS. I bent over backwards trying to make sense of what was wrong with her (AND ME, since I seemed to be the "cause" of so many of her problems).

[purelove]

I am a new arrival to this Leaving board. So I have seen alot of the staying board stuff for the last month. I agree with Suz, the people on the staying board are blinded by there compassion and or other things.
 I  myself was and, finanly got some perspective from looking inward and trying to take care of myself. That was the advice that most everyone gave me over there on that board. When I did that, I realized that I had to stop letting my boundries be broken and forgiving people for it! I had to face the fact that it was a pattern in my life. Working on changing that now!

[JDoe]

I do, on occasion.  Makes me sick to my stomach.  But I was there for quite awhile- 18 years of marriage, the last 1.5 knowing that H had BPD/NPD.  It is hard to admit that as hard as you have worked and as much as you have invested for nearly 2 decades, you can't fix.  It's not easy to let go of the idea of a decent marriage, even when you see how very dysfunctional and painful it is.

In the end, I had to save myself or I would have drown in H's illness and addictions.  I couldn't see myself like his mother in another 20 years- worn down and unable to even resist the craziness of a disordered-and-loving-it spouse.  Yuck.

Maybe some of the Stayers are stronger than me.  I didn't have any boundaries and H wouldn't respect the ones I tried to build.  The only solution was to become a Leaver.

[o2bz14u]

I for for a long time was undecided.

I found hope here with the "tools". They did not work in my situation.

I found out about DBT. He has kept this on the plate as something he is going to do and I kept falling for it. In fact I just got an early AM VM from him today telling me he went to the library (FINALLY) but "his card was expired". Another excuse. He probably never even went. Its just a ploy since I went NC again and that ploy of getting the DBT books worked once before.


I've gone to the *Staying* board for inspiration because there were some who claim things can be resolved or managed but the more I read it the more I see it is just people who are still putting their needs aside, living in FEAR, being used, and becoming exhausted by it all. Even with those who report "success" there are always setbacks again and again. I do understand though that many there have children or legal ties that cloud thinking or make it impossible to just pick up and leave and go live on a desert island.


I see the same problems over and over. Its the same on the *Undecided* board. The same issues on the *Leaving* board.

I've written off all the money he "borrowed" I will never see. I've tallied all the money I spent on him (gifts and paying his expenses) to help him get by and just realize what a fool I've been being taken like that. I set boundries and he ignores them. He only gets worse when I try to have a conversation about anything or try to assert my rights. I am not only not allowed to have friends I am not allowed to have conversations with anyone in person or by phone.***   What keeps me from leaving is that although he is not extremely violent yet, I know from past experience with others  (I was married once and I've had other relationships) it will probably get violent when I leave -  there will be stalking, vandalism, harrassment, and it will go on for years. I am not looking forward to that part and it will take as much out of me as just staying. I'm all alone in this.


-------------------------------

***I just recently found out he tampered with my phone. I found it odd that NO ONE has called me in a while. He made things so miserable that many people just started avoiding contact with me. But things went cold out of the blue.


 I thought maybe he went through my contact list and harrassed everyone on the list. (A trick a former BF used with both my phone and email.)  I found out all my saved messages were mysteriously  deleted. And all my calls were being forwarded to another number. People were calling.  The calls were going somewhere else. Just something to be aware of if suddenly, mysteriously, everyone in your life stops calling.

[WalrusGumboot]

I do now and then and post occasionally. I was there once and still have friends in there.
If they still have that glimmer of hope, I can relate to that because I did too at one time.

However, I have been here 4 years or so and have seen a parade of people move from Staying to Undecided to Leaving. I can only count a few that have stuck it out somehow. It's just a matter of time for them or else they have superhuman strength. Or maybe because they cease to exist anymore as the person they once were.

The odds of success is so incredibly low.

[WalrusGumboot]

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