good contact with daughter

[Think About It...]

Funny thing was yesterday dd was finally 18, when dh and I got back from Church she was at home with the bf , she had just arrived, my other dd was upset because no one wants the bf in the house. In the end I told BPDd that she should leave with him because her brother would be cross and we didnt want a problem, dd said she was just going in about 10 mins and that her brother was out. So me and dh went out as we had to, he was moaning that we should of stayed, I didnt want to (neglectful mother)

When her brother got back he had a pressey for her and saw her bf and went mad and told him to leave. So horrible i think, then he texted me to tell me what do I think I am up to letting bf in our home bla bla, I reminded him that he is not in charge , he always tried to be and still keep s forgetting.

Anyway cut a long story short, later that evening I get a call from dd inviting me and dh to meet her and bf in the pub for a drink. I thought that was so nice. Im not keen on bf but what can I do, he seemed sweet and at least he was honest, said he had been a builder from the age of 13, had a tough life, probably never has a proper cooked meal and no where to live because he said he is paying off fines, how can I hate anyone, I cant.

So nice that I didnt loose contact with dd, I nearly did two months ago as some people on here will remember.

Now I have problem with son really, we try talking to him but he too does concrete thinking I am learning. Gosh Im so glad I had kids

[heronbird]

Funny thing was yesterday dd was finally 18, when dh and I got back from Church she was at home with the bf , she had just arrived, my other dd was upset because no one wants the bf in the house. In the end I told BPDd that she should leave with him because her brother would be cross and we didnt want a problem, dd said she was just going in about 10 mins and that her brother was out. So me and dh went out as we had to, he was moaning that we should of stayed, I didnt want to (neglectful mother)

When her brother got back he had a pressey for her and saw her bf and went mad and told him to leave. So horrible i think, then he texted me to tell me what do I think I am up to letting bf in our home bla bla, I reminded him that he is not in charge , he always tried to be and still keep s forgetting.

Anyway cut a long story short, later that evening I get a call from dd inviting me and dh to meet her and bf in the pub for a drink. I thought that was so nice. Im not keen on bf but what can I do, he seemed sweet and at least he was honest, said he had been a builder from the age of 13, had a tough life, probably never has a proper cooked meal and no where to live because he said he is paying off fines, how can I hate anyone, I cant.

So nice that I didnt loose contact with dd, I nearly did two months ago as some people on here will remember.

Now I have problem with son really, we try talking to him but he too does concrete thinking I am learning. Gosh Im so glad I had kids

[twojaybirds]

What a nice 18 birthday for everyone. (excepte perhaps the son)

[Reality]

heronbird,
Happy Birthday to your darling daughter!  I think it was very sweet of her to get together with you and your husband. 
I figure a little joy is a good thing. 
Reality

[Sadforson]

Glad she is trying to maintain an appropriate level of contact! 

[peaceplease]

heronbird,

That was nice that your dd wanted to share her birthday with you and dh!

I had a good day with dd, too.  Although, I am afraid to say anything here for fear of jinxing it.  But, today was good! 

[heronbird]

Yes, well any thing I can get thats good is possitive isnt it.

Last night we all went out for dinner for her birthday, I said to dd, how come your bf works so hard yet he never has money, yet you have so much more nice stuff than him that you buy. She said, its canabis, he smokes it and uss a lot of his money on that, so I said can you help him come off it? she said yes, I will try I am trying, but I love him the way he is and if he came off it he wouldnt be him and I dont want him to change. What could I say to that, I did think, but why would you want to be with someone like,  whos hooked on canabis and spending hundreds on it. I will talk further about this though.

My other dd has a good bf of 3 years now who is training to be a solicitor, lovely boy just perfect for anyones daughter if you know what I mean, BPDd said, shed love a bf like that but think she would find him boring.

The strange thought patterns of some

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[AVA44]

Thanks for this, it is great to hear good news!

My daughter seems to be on the same page about boyfriends. Her current bf is of the type you describe as being a good thing for anyone's daughter. I don't like to think so, but it probably means his days could be numbered, since she finds the good one's boring and the one's who make my skin crawl are "exciting".

Don't know though, the good guy has been around for a while, perhaps she is learning the merits of "boring"  .

Happy the birthday was happy for (almost) all of you- AVA44

[heronbird]

AVA,

I am not sure if I confussed you or anyone, its my older non BPDd who has the good bf. Opposite of BPDds bf.

Thats a good thing if your dd has chosen a good guy, how long has she been going out with him? do you get on well with him. I long for my dd to get someone nice who will look after her.

[AVA44]

No, I understood you to mean that you wished the BPD daughter would find a better boyfriend, more like the one your other daughter has.

I had to laugh, because my daughter's attitude about good boyfriends is similar to your BPD daughter, she also thinks they are "boring".

My daughter has been with this fellow for about three months (longer, on and off before this). He has his challenges. He has a diagnosed MI, but does do treatment and seems well adjusted. I often feel like she does not treat him as well as he treats her. I have no particular investment in seeing her with him specifically, but I would like to think she would appreciate being treated well and not "string him along" (if that in fact is what is happening, not sure, but I have my suspicions).

I know this is me wishing for her to have relationship skills she probably doesn't possess at this time, and that this illness would work against.

So she has been with this "boring" guy for a while. It does take some of the intensity off me, and I am glad for that.

Yeah- for "boring guys", from a mom's perspective, they rock!

[j's friend]

Heronbird my dd has been with b/f for almost 3 years with a lot of on and offs in-between. When I first met him I thought how nice it was  that dd had found some stabilty with a church going, hard working and ambitious boy. Now I know different. He is just as immature and as much into the drama as dd and has abandonment issues of his own!

He will lie for dd, no longer attends church and sleeps around as much as she does. Like definatley attracts like.My dd has even said in the past that "being good is boring" so a boring b/f definatley wouldnt work for her.

Btw Heronbird; so good that you and your dd can talk honestly and openly about her b/f drug habits and her messed up tatts.

[heronbird]

AVA44, oh I see, you did get me right, I didnt know if I wrote it wrong. Yes your story so similar to mine many times. Yet why do they go for such broken people, if it were me I would look for someone strong to be able to support me.
What is MI, mental illness? but you dont know which one do you. Same with my dds bf. good that he seems well adjusted and my dd doesnt seem to treat her bfs nicely either, but thats now always the true picture, it just looks like that.

jsfriend
What a shame about your dds bf, does he sound like BPD? Ive realised now that my dds last two bfs had mental health issues, maybe one of them BPD. Always starting fights too in the streets. I would never be seeen with anyone like this type of person.

Its taken years for me to get her to be able to tell me things, she still trys to hide it like as if she s about 12 ha.

[AVA44]

Yes, MI= mental illness. I do need to check the thread about the abbreviations people use here. I am not sure which diagnosis he has, but his track record seems good (regarding treatment and overall stability in life). His relationship to his family also seems good, which I suppose bodes well for his orientation to relationships in general.

I know I shouldn't concern myself too much about how she manages her relationships. Real life will teach her more than I possibly can at this stage in life (whether she learns could be a different story).

I'm just kind of a stickler for treating people how I would like being treated, and I see dd not doing that. I'll bet the thought "this isn't how I raised you" goes through peoples' minds a lot.

Do agree this is a better "problem" than last year, when she was running with a guy she met in the hospital...

[heronbird]

Yes you are so right AVA, I think we all have the same things in our minds on here. We definitly didnt bring our children up like this, in fact, the opposite .

I had been writing MH for mental health, but I didnt check to see if its right. Dont worry. But he does sound ok to me, my dds previous bfs that I thought were ok didnt really have good relationships with their parents, the last bfs mum had died a year previously, how so so sad was that, he had to drop out of uni. Broke my heart.

I am too a stickler for treating people how I would like to be treated. I feel sorry for my dds bf, I would love to help him just a bit, Id never let him live with us even if we had the room but Id love to cook him a meal, they get take aways every night, no one has ever cooked for him since he was 14 or so, hes worked on a building site from age 13 he told us. So credit where cridits due I guess

[pattyt]

My dd's been with her bf for about 3 years.  I wonder if this is a common thing, feeling sympathy for the bf.  My dd's bf lost his mother when he was in his teens and his father died two years ago.  Whatever could go wrong in his life has gone wrong.  He has no money, is in process of losing his family home for back taxes (nothing to keep as it's falling apart and in danger of collapse), has just been diagnosed with cancer.  At first I felt sorry enough for him because he has my dd (tag, you're it!)  He's so skinny and sad looking.  I think it stirs the mothering in me and I, too, want to cook him a good meal, fatten him up some.

And it's strange, too, because my husband hates him.  I have a combination of wishing he was out of the picture yet wanting him to be OK.  He comes across as very likeable in conversation, he is very intellegent, but there's something about him that I don't trust.  He's got his own set of issues.
Don't know what it'll do to my dd if he dies, if she can take care of him properly as he goes through cancer treatment.   

Oh, so many variables in all this!  I truly miss when life was simpler...

[cfh]

"Why do they go for such broken people?".  I asked my sons pdoc this last year and he said that my son feels so broken himself that to take care of another broken person makes him feel like a caregiver and therefore makes him feel good about himself.  I'm not sure if he thinks he can fix these wounded birds but when he is in these relationships it does seem to give him the feeling that he is helping someone.  Just a theory.

[j's friend]

Heronbird yes I see many BPD traits in dd's b/f. b/f lost his mother at a very early age and has never known his father.

As well as lying for dd he will often give her the silent treatment and tell her how much better his previous g/fs were. He will curse at her in front of other people and at the same time will continually ring her to get back with her, and I know there has been violence on both sides.Last year on the anniversary of his mothers death dd rang me to say that she wouldnt be coming home because b/f was refusing to eat and had stopped speaking to her, so she was going to stay to look after him. A few days later he was back to cursing her and making her cry. ?
dd is way too young to be in a r/s with all these mind games, but she says she loves him

[heronbird]

jsfriend, how strange, yes so young to be in such a relationship, where do they find these broken people, is there that many around? I dont know any.

Well Pattyt, I am just cooking a lovely roast (can you smell it?) I just said to dh, it looks like its just the two of us, I have made it for all 6 of us. So dh said ring dd and ask if they want to come for dinner as we have so much. How nice would that of been, I rang dd and shes out walking the streets and they got a take away so not hungry and no thanks not today.

Thats why I want to take him on just a very little, its like winter out there today here, pouring and freezing, they could be here with lovely dinner and warmth and tv etc. We cant help it I guess, its normal to care isnt it, and hes someones son/ daughter and hes had a tough life, this is not a third world country and we need to be looking after and caring for these sort of people more. He didnt ask to be born and his dad die when he was 12 and mother left dds bf when he was 13. When you think, has he ever seen a marriage? hes 25 and if he hasnt and hasnt been loved, its not his fault.

Sorry, Im going on as usual

[peaceplease]

"Why do they go for such broken people?".  I asked my sons pdoc this last year and he said that my son feels so broken himself that to take care of another broken person makes him feel like a caregiver and therefore makes him feel good about himself.  I'm not sure if he thinks he can fix these wounded birds but when he is in these relationships it does seem to give him the feeling that he is helping someone.  Just a theory.

Funny, my dd's friends all have abandonment issues.  Her one friend's mother died when she was very young, and her other friend was raised by her mother.  Her mother was a crack addict.  So, there is a good chance they may suffer from BPD as well.   My dd says her friends are "crazy", and that all three of them are.  She calls her one friend an "attention whore".  And, she talks about how the other one loses good paying jobs.  My dd really did  not have a good paying job, but one was fairly decent with commission.  And, she lost that job, for getting in arguement with co-worker.   All three in my dd's group know they have issues and have diagnosed themselves as 'tri-polar".   

I am glad that my dd has some close friends, but I wish they were all stable.  Even  my gs dad seems to be NPD, and I hope, not sociopath.  However, I do give him props for spending time with my gs.  I don't agree with a lot of what he does, but I can see that he really loves my gs.

And, who am I to criticize, as I married a man that I suspect was BPD/NPD.   I was such a different person when I was younger.  I grew up and became responsible after I had my children.  Too bad that I made some poor choices.  I believe that my dd was pre-disposed to BPD, genetically.  Also, believe that my son shows some signs of NPD as well.  Also, they never really had their dad much in their lives. 

[pattyt]

Well Pattyt, I am just cooking a lovely roast (can you smell it?)

*sniff* Oh, yes.  Smells wonderful!

...dh said ring dd and ask if they want to come for dinner as we have so much. How nice would that of been...they could be here with lovely dinner and warmth and tv etc.

A good thought.  At least they'd have a belly full of good food for the night.  Something as basic as sharing food and company becomes not so simple a thing.

[heronbird]

 ;DYou should of all come over, ahhh nevermind