Cone of silence for love and my relationship, but not for the rebound?

[Think About It...]

I was recently dumped by my uBPDgf. She went into an instant rebound relationship. For the duration of the time she spent seeing me, she never told a soul. She never admitted to it being a relationship until after she told me she didn't want to see me anymore either. She kept it from her flatmates, her workmates, my friends, her parents (who she admits were suspicious that we were an item), and everyone else. To anyone else, we were just friends who seemed to have a habit of sleeping over in the same bed an awful lot. She also had difficulty expressing love for me at all, despite coming very close on a few occasions but backing out with excuses (she was kidding, she was on drugs, etc.).  In contrast, she's yelling her love for her rebound from the rooftops. Within a few weeks of the switch from me to him she'd changed her relationship status on Facebook to "In a relationship" despite deriding me for complaining that she never did that for us while we were together. After a month she posted an album of photos which can only be described as childish expressions of infatuation (lipstick smeared all over each other's mouths, etc.). The word "love" began appearing all over her posts within days of hooking up with the rebound. Everything seems to be about love now, when with me love was a dirty word.

I'd like opinions on two aspects of this situation. Firstly, why was I kept completely under the radar the whole time we were courting and seeing each other (around a year)? I've not seen any other comments from people that they were treated this way by their SOwBPD. Secondly, why the need to do the exact opposite with the rebound and go absolutely over the top with public expressions of love? I'd like to understand the reasoning that is going on in her head with this behaviour.

[gnosis]

I was recently dumped by my uBPDgf. She went into an instant rebound relationship. For the duration of the time she spent seeing me, she never told a soul. She never admitted to it being a relationship until after she told me she didn't want to see me anymore either. She kept it from her flatmates, her workmates, my friends, her parents (who she admits were suspicious that we were an item), and everyone else. To anyone else, we were just friends who seemed to have a habit of sleeping over in the same bed an awful lot. She also had difficulty expressing love for me at all, despite coming very close on a few occasions but backing out with excuses (she was kidding, she was on drugs, etc.).  In contrast, she's yelling her love for her rebound from the rooftops. Within a few weeks of the switch from me to him she'd changed her relationship status on Facebook to "In a relationship" despite deriding me for complaining that she never did that for us while we were together. After a month she posted an album of photos which can only be described as childish expressions of infatuation (lipstick smeared all over each other's mouths, etc.). The word "love" began appearing all over her posts within days of hooking up with the rebound. Everything seems to be about love now, when with me love was a dirty word.

I'd like opinions on two aspects of this situation. Firstly, why was I kept completely under the radar the whole time we were courting and seeing each other (around a year)? I've not seen any other comments from people that they were treated this way by their SOwBPD. Secondly, why the need to do the exact opposite with the rebound and go absolutely over the top with public expressions of love? I'd like to understand the reasoning that is going on in her head with this behaviour.

[tcevans78]

Hi Gnosis,

I can't answer your questions.  Sorry.  But your message gave me a little food for thought.  My xBPD always said how he regretted treating his former gf's so coldly - so badly - and dismissively - when they begged for loving affection.  He said that I was the first person he ever made gestures of love to, etc.  Of course I didn't believe him.  But maybe he was telling the truth.  Maybe the gate had swung from needing complete control and submissiveness from his partners (he himself states that is what he wanted/needed), to feeling deeply and romantically in love.  

Either way, it was about filling his needs - those of his ego or inner child (or some other more scientifically correct term).  And it had nothing to do with whether or not one of us was loveable - and the other not so much.  Or one of us more loved, something to be more proud of, or what have you.  

Just two extreme sides of the same coin called illness.  

Sorry to have this happen to you.  You don't have to explain to me - but any reason you're still FB friends?  Maybe FB would be a good relationship to end for your own benefit.  

Good Luck.

[hithere]

Firstly, why was I kept completely under the radar the whole time we were courting and seeing each other (around a year)?

Do you think it is possible she was still trying to get back with the guy before you?  Maybe she figured you were a short-term squeeze?  If she has BPD she could have been paranoid for some reason.

Secondly, why the need to do the exact opposite with the rebound and go absolutely over the top with public expressions of love? I'd like to understand the reasoning that is going on in her head with this behaviour.

To hurt you.  She maybe figures that is why things didn't work-out with you so she is doing the opposite (black and white thinking).  She might feel stronger for this guy.

[rickstone]

gnosis;

mine was the same as yours.  2.1/2 years together.  would never tell or admit to her family that we were bf/gf.

she would call me her boyfriend in front of strangers and when out and about, but would never commit to me publically.
she would tell me a lot she loved me but it was off and on 1 week in love, 3 weeks cold, et.

she never posted on facebook that she was in a relationship, instead she was 'single' and i caught her stating 'interested in men'.
i took that off her profile.

she would NEVER want to take pictures with me except at the very begining.  thats the only pictures i have of 'us' as a couple in 2.1/2 years.

one time when we were still together she posted on facebook how  "I want a guy.  not just any guy, but one who will love me no matter what, blah, blah" (very nauseating).  i thought when i saw that;  'well who the hell am i then?'

then, within weeks of that she proceeded to talk to guys on the phone and set up my replacement soon after.  after a week and a half of real good, loving togetherness, she dumped me as fast as you can say 'jack flat'.


difference between her and yours though;  shes keeping her new guy a secret.  still denying theres anything going on, but i know better.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[turtle]

She probably kept you a secret so that when she dumped you, she wouldn't have to explain it to anyone. 

Harsh reality, isn't it?  To know that they aren't really ever planning to remain with us.

turtle

[turtle]

This will be a red flag for you in the future.  If someone needs to keep you a secret, you don't need them in your life!

turtle

[gnosis]

Sorry to have this happen to you.  You don't have to explain to me - but any reason you're still FB friends?  Maybe FB would be a good relationship to end for your own benefit.  

I promised her that I'd be there for her, and won't break that promise. So I haven't blocked her on Facebook. But I did say that I can't heal with constant reminders of her life with the new guy and have unsubscribed her instead. She can still see my posts but I can't see hers. Since doing that weeks ago I have no idea what's going on in her life, and that's helping greatly.

[gnosis]

Firstly, why was I kept completely under the radar the whole time we were courting and seeing each other (around a year)?

Do you think it is possible she was still trying to get back with the guy before you?  Maybe she figured you were a short-term squeeze?  If she has BPD she could have been paranoid for some reason.

This guy is new. He wasn't before me. He appeared around the time we were getting really serious, but he wasn't in her life. He's the ex-bf of one of her old flatmates, who was with him for 18 months. I've also found out that he's a violent and insanely jealous individual. He's apparently wonderful for a while but stores up the jealousy and then lashes out with such niceties as rape and beatings. And my ex WILL trigger his jealousy. She is incapable of staying away from guys. She attracts them like moths to a flame, and she revels in their attention. She is seduction incarnate (aren't they all?). The flatmate found out she was with him a few weeks ago when I mentioned it and tried to remind her about his violence but she just got angry. She already knew he was violent because the flatmate first came to her for refuge and a place to live when she broke up with him months ago! It was my ex who encouraged the flatmate to call the police and report him, and now she's with him! How baffling is that? So the relationship with the flatmate is now over too. It's amazing how many people she's torn her way through since I've known her. And it's amazing how many times they pick a rebound who is flat out bad for them. It will end badly with the rebound. I just hope she doesn't get physically hurt by him.

And that brings me to your comment about me being a short-term squeeze. She was married for five years. That ended two years ago. She was with me for close to a year. She said to me only a month before the breakup that I'm the longest and most important relationship since her ex-husband. And from what I've heard from a previous flatmate of ours, this appears to be true. All of her other relationships have lasted around two months at the most. So if anything, the rebound is yet another short-term squeeze and I was the long one. Our relationship evolved differently to all her others. It grew slowly. That's what made me think it had some substance to it. The rebound fits all the criteria of a classic BPD rebound according to all the descriptions I've seen on here. Inappropriate for her, unattractive, utterly incompatible goals (she has a cat for whom she would die, and this new guy is allergic to cats - I can't even begin to explain how she could be with someone who's incompatible with her cat, especially since I am a cat lover and we bonded seriously over our love of cats), she likes conservation and wildlife, camping, alternative therapies, hippy stuff. He likes to dress nicely and go to fancy restaurants, and it seems flash the cash about. They couldn't be more incompatible. So I have no doubt that he's the rebound. I'm not saying that she feels any more for me now than she does for him. I'm just saying it's not about going back to this guy.

Secondly, why the need to do the exact opposite with the rebound and go absolutely over the top with public expressions of love? I'd like to understand the reasoning that is going on in her head with this behaviour.

To hurt you.  She maybe figures that is why things didn't work-out with you so she is doing the opposite (black and white thinking).  She might feel stronger for this guy.

I don't think she's trying to hurt me. She always said that she never wanted to hurt me, along with insistence that I'd find someone better and leave her. I'm more inclined to think that she genuinely believes she's not good enough for me and has chosen a rebound that she can get rid of easily when the time comes for her to switch again. Whether it's back to me I don't know. There have been attempts to keep me in the communications loop, and I'm wondering what she has in store for me.

She feels stronger for this guy right now. But everything she feels is a fantasy, I'm sure. She said she wants to have his babies. Within a week of going out with him. It's just ridiculous. Wait for the switch. It'll happen. As soon as he gets jealous, acts violently, or even if she wakes up a bit that he has no interest in her goals at all (he's an extreme narcissist). I'm bracing myself for a recycle with me. And right now I'm too mentally weak to resist it, despite knowing that it's going to end in tears.

[gnosis]

This will be a red flag for you in the future.  If someone needs to keep you a secret, you don't need them in your life!

I hear you. She's the second one to do that to me. The first was a high school girlfriend. I look back now and can see borderline traits in her too. Push/pull, mostly.

[goinbonkers]

sorry you got dumped.  that really sucks.  been there many times. 

she kept you a secret because she never expected to be with you for too long. 

she's addicted to newness. 

it won't last.  it never does.

[gnosis]

She probably kept you a secret so that when she dumped you, she wouldn't have to explain it to anyone. 

Harsh reality, isn't it?  To know that they aren't really ever planning to remain with us.

The question remains why me and not the rebound? You'd think the rebound would be more likely to be kept quiet. That's what I don't get.

[gnosis]

sorry you got dumped.  that really sucks.  been there many times. 

she kept you a secret because she never expected to be with you for too long. 

she's addicted to newness. 

it won't last.  it never does.

I'm certain the rebound won't last either, but if what you say is her stance she'd never admit to any relationships at all. Why is the rebound enjoying such a public display of commitment and affection when she barely knows him? That's what I want to know.

[goinbonkers]

sorry you got dumped.  that really sucks.  been there many times. 

she kept you a secret because she never expected to be with you for too long. 

she's addicted to newness. 

it won't last.  it never does.

I'm certain the rebound won't last either, but if what you say is her stance she'd never admit to any relationships at all. Why is the rebound enjoying such a public display of commitment and affection when she barely knows him? That's what I want to know.

because its brand new and in the superficial stage. 

not much commitment is required and its usually all about fun.  it never lasts though.

[tcevans78]

I'm wondering about something you said.  You said that your relationship with her developed slowly.  I wonder how this played into her perception of the relationship.  Was it your lack of careless abandon while entering the relationship that maybe cauzed her to develop an emotional buffer so to speak?  If this guy is willing to take the lovers leap, maybe it encourages her to do the same. 

Another thought.  Maybe you were so compatable with her you didn't satisfy a wild crazy fantasy she's been living with.  This guy may do that.  Even if its irrational to most other people.  Who knows...maybe she sees his jealousy as a sign of love.  (Maybe not - I'm just speculating based off of information gathered from my BPDx and his rationale.  Much of what motivates him is fantasy of the extreme, while he truly understands what things (read;p eople) to use in life to get what he wants in the meantime. 

Just sharing thoughts.  This is all very frustrating - trying to understand their minds.  If I knew someone I loved was being beaten and raped (potentially) I would have a hard time coping. 

Anyway, are you able to ask her these questions directly?  Are you in touch with her? Or would that be putting you in danger.  If your BPD is anything like mine - she will answer honest.  And it will hurt and seem impossible.  But be the truth. 

I'll be curious to see if others agree or disageee with my statements.  When I found. myself sitting at home waiting/hoping for my BPDx's return...I FORCED myself to try online dating.  It was excellent for my perspective and self esteem.  I got to meet some very nice, normal, intelligent men who liked me.  And I liked them.  I could more easily see a whole world out there and was able to stop obsessing over him being the ome.   But I of course didn't have more than a few casual dates with each because there is no way I'm ready for a relationship yet.   Anyway, just food for thought. Instead of forming a relationship w her you could date her. And several others.  See how each makes you feel. 

Good luck.  And sorry for the long post.

[gnosis]

I'm wondering about something you said.  You said that your relationship with her developed slowly.  I wonder how this played into her perception of the relationship.  Was it your lack of careless abandon while entering the relationship that maybe cauzed her to develop an emotional buffer so to speak?  If this guy is willing to take the lovers leap, maybe it encourages her to do the same.

You may be right, but it's a delusional love with the rebound. Here's my take. She's always had this idea that she wants love at first sight as well as a lasting love. She never had love at first sight with me. In fact she said she wasn't attracted to me when she first met me. I don't know how you define attraction to a borderline but she did ALL the work to make sure we ended up together. She kept coming back for more. Never in my life have I seen a girl (much less a beautiful, interesting, seductive one) come after me so seriously. She made my job very, very easy. So there was attraction, but I have no idea how that equates to "love at first sight" in her mind. However the further you go back in our relationship, the higher her anxiety at any encouragement to reciprocate affection or intimacy. Sex, no problem. Once it was on, it was full on. But intimacy scared the hell out of her. It took her months to let her guard down with me in that regard. Months before she came over to my place one evening and spent the night cuddling on the lounge, declaring "See, I can do intimacy!" (note that the following week after setting the stage for even more intimacy, she chickened and bailed on me, requiring me to chase her for the next few days to get her to come back). If I told her I loved her at this stage (which I did not) she would have run for the hills. I do think, however, that the rebound has blurted out that he loves her almost immediately. So soon, in fact that they were saying it to each other within days. And the photos I've seen of them together show a complete turnaround in her desire to indulge in affection. Publicly, no less, whereas with me she always kept the affection and intimacy, once she could muster up the courage to indulge in it, hidden. They're both delusional about the love they're experiencing. He may be borderline too. He's showing similar symptoms in his past relationships. In particular, desperate attempts to get his ex-gfs to stay with him when they all finally got rid of him (begging, promises of engagements if they come back, etc.). I tend to think that the long and drawn out attempt with me to show genuine intimacy was a real attempt to get over her borderline fears. She's admitted that she was fearful of me leaving her the whole time we were together. I wasn't aware that it was a borderline trait, but I was very aware that she was making an immense effort against her personal demons to show affection and intimacy, and finally love towards me. She's retreated from all of that now, as if she's a relapsing addict. And she's replaced that failure with a false and irrational love of her rebound as a coping mechanism.

She admitted post-breakup that she "felt something for me but wasn't head over heels in love". I can see now that this lack of instant love is what she's craving now and falsely seeing in the rebound. She can't possibly have hooked up with a guy (known for his jealousy fueled violence) within a few days of leaving me and found the "head over heels" love she's been waiting for all her life. She also explained post-breakup that she's realised now that she never really loved her ex-husband (of five years) and was simply in love with the idea of him. So she's not just painted me black and told me that she doesn't love me (minutes before dumping me), she's painted her ex-husband a newer shade of black that he's never been painted before. All to offset this apparent instant love of the rebound - a type of love that she's never felt before in her life. Yeah, right. She's invalidating us falsely to validate him falsely. It's just not statistically possible for her dreams of finding love to be answered just like that, within a few days of leaving me. So in my opinion, and consistent with borderline rebound behaviour, she's not in love at all, and is simply delusional. Painting rebound guy ultra white and me and the ex-husband black. Her delusions aren't just about the being in love but about pretty much all aspects of this guy, including ignoring his known violent tendencies that will surface, for sure, because she's a guy magnet and he will be unable to control his jealousy. So in a roundabout way I'm saying that the new guy's careless abandon has likely triggered an identical careless (illusory) abandon in her. If he's delusional enough to declare his love for her instantly too (and I've seen evidence that he has been doing just that), then that's probably enough to put her in love fantasy land. This is in contrast to my relationship with her that had what can only be described as a sensible amount of courting before becoming serious. And then, of course, when she stared to get the feeling that I really had fallen in love with her after about six months, that's when she started distancing herself and the black painting started.

Another thought.  Maybe you were so compatable with her you didn't satisfy a wild crazy fantasy she's been living with.  This guy may do that.  Even if its irrational to most other people.  Who knows...maybe she sees his jealousy as a sign of love.  (Maybe not - I'm just speculating based off of information gathered from my BPDx and his rationale.  Much of what motivates him is fantasy of the extreme, while he truly understands what things (read;p eople) to use in life to get what he wants in the meantime.

I know that she thinks he has some jealous traits, but I don't know if this is because she is fully aware of his jealousy fueled raged with his ex-gf or if she's already experiencing his jealousy firsthand. The ex-gf said it'll be six months before he finally snaps and all the pent up jealousy in him will explode. So I can't say. I expressed some jealousy while I was with her. I was beaten down immediately. How dare I be jealous? It does me no favours, apparently. Meanwhile, getting laid half a dozen times while she's seeing me is no cause for my concern, right? 

Just sharing thoughts.  This is all very frustrating - trying to understand their minds.  If I knew someone I loved was being beaten and raped (potentially) I would have a hard time coping. 

Me too. I worry for her. And I try to understand how they tick too, which is why my responses here are somewhat rambling. Perhaps there will be something in what I'm saying that will strike a chord with you and help you understand your situation better.

Anyway, are you able to ask her these questions directly?  Are you in touch with her? Or would that be putting you in danger.  If your BPD is anything like mine - she will answer honest.  And it will hurt and seem impossible.  But be the truth. 

I'm in touch, but only in the sense that she's doing the contacting and I'm just replying in a non-emotional way. The few times I've introduced emotion into the discourse have quickly escalated out of control, while she provides zero emotional content. So I won't be approaching her or asking her for clarity on any of this stuff. I've also minimised my exposure to her via social media so I don't see what's happening in her life day to day. I told her explicitly that I wasn't attempting to remove her from my life but I must for my own sake shield myself from her life with the new guy. That's how it's going to stay. But if I did ask her, I really don't think she can answer truthfully. I actually think, looking back, that almost everything she's said to me has been either lies by omission, bending the truth, and where needed outright lies. I think that will probably continue. And I think when she inevitably comes back because she wants more of the excellent sex we had (one of the few things she didn't seem to be lying about), she'll lie to the new guy about it. He won't even know I exist, and I'm sure that's how she's gonna keep it.

I'll be curious to see if others agree or disageee with my statements.  When I found. myself sitting at home waiting/hoping for my BPDx's return...I FORCED myself to try online dating.  It was excellent for my perspective and self esteem.  I got to meet some very nice, normal, intelligent men who liked me.  And I liked them.  I could more easily see a whole world out there and was able to stop obsessing over him being the ome.   But I of course didn't have more than a few casual dates with each because there is no way I'm ready for a relationship yet.   Anyway, just food for thought. Instead of forming a relationship w her you could date her. And several others.  See how each makes you feel. 

Good luck.  And sorry for the long post.

I had a few online dates in the past seven weeks since the breakup. They all pale compared to her. I really need to get over her so that doesn't happen. But right now my heart isn't really in dating others. I need to heal before I can get back out there. Even then it's gonna be hard. I've always found dating difficult.

Would I date her again? Perhaps. If I ignore everyone on this forum's advice and re-establish contact, we could possibly settle into a dating with benefits mode that would actually suit both of us fine. To put it bluntly, that would kinda make both of us gratis hookers for each other. But what the hell. The sex would be worth it. But could I handle the inevitable coercion that will happen as she works her magic and makes me fall in love again? That's the big question. And I won't be able to ponder the answer until she dumps me a second time and runs off with another completely different true love!

No need to apoligise. As you can see, I like to brain dump this stuff in the hope it's useful for someone. It's good that you went into detail with you post.

[goinbonkers]

i'd just love to start dating right now.  but the reality is since i am still strongly attracted to the same type of women, i am pretty sure things aren't going to be any different in terms of resultant.  my counseling says my picker is messed up.  she is right.  i really want to date but cannot until my picker/pecker learns to pick healthy women.  if i was in to short term relationships, this would not be a problem. but i am past that point in my life.  no dating for me even though its hard but i clearly see myself only focusing on the unhealthy women of which i can rescue that give me sex.  not good.  i wish not to keep repeating the same pattern i always have been.  no thank you. 

not dating until i am better is very painful but it is the lesser of the two evils.