I can relate so much to all the stories here. My uBPDwife wants to divorce me now, and this divorce feels wrong to me on every possible level; emotionally, spiritually, even rationally, and I have such a hard time dealing with this. Adding to it the confusion of her on and off still being very caring towards me, then again completely uncaring, her signing up on dating websites, being in touch with other women, assuring me she will not cheat as long as we are officially married and getting the divorce started, but at the same time being utterly sure she wants a divorce. Even though we have been married only 7 months, I in my belief it would have been for a lifetime, and in hers it was too,up untill now, the latest and worst crisis of all. is
So the past weeks have only gotten harder and harder. Posting on this bord helped to understand some things about her behaviour, but nothing helps dealing with the pain and loss, the grief, the not-sleeping, the not eating. So today I took anti-anxiety meds for the first time, and got a prescription for the next month. I am straight edge, have been my whole (short, am 27) life, but I am almost ashamed to admit; I sometimes have a drink now at night. The pills at least make me cry less. The drink gives a nice, uncaring buzz. It makes me cynical, bitter, but at least not desperately crying.
I never thought I would be someone who could not go through something on her own strenght, but apparently now I am. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and will go back to my healthy routine of normal eating, green tea, vitamins, spirulina and jogging, but I can't even imagine being that person again. I've lost so much weight already that jogging would make me look like an anorexic who wants to lose more, and I don't.
It is comforting to read that I am not the only one who needed some chemical help to deal with the darkest days.
Next step will be therapy I think.
Oh, and I started a diary for the first time in years again today. At least that is a healthy way of dealing.