e mail from BPDH -LONG POST

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

 
DISCLAIMER THIS IS WHAT my PwBPD *BELIEVES* is true. Not the real truth at all.
My parents and ExH are not Unkind/monsters to me at all. I am on excellent terms with my ExH and am godmother to his newborn son! My sister and I talk on the phone every week!
this is simply my BPDH's *version*. He can't see good and bad in people at the same time!



Once upon a time there was a girl who was pretty, funny, kind, giving, and understanding.  She met a boy who was just like her.  They both shared a attitude and outlook on life that felt so wonderful.  So they got married.

 
Soon the girl turned into a wife.  And the wife began criticizing the boy to behave a certain way.  The boy thought that they already had a good relationship.  So he didn_

[gina louise]

 
DISCLAIMER THIS IS WHAT my PwBPD *BELIEVES* is true. Not the real truth at all.
My parents and ExH are not Unkind/monsters to me at all. I am on excellent terms with my ExH and am godmother to his newborn son! My sister and I talk on the phone every week!
this is simply my BPDH's *version*. He can't see good and bad in people at the same time!



Once upon a time there was a girl who was pretty, funny, kind, giving, and understanding.  She met a boy who was just like her.  They both shared a attitude and outlook on life that felt so wonderful.  So they got married.

 
Soon the girl turned into a wife.  And the wife began criticizing the boy to behave a certain way.  The boy thought that they already had a good relationship.  So he didn_

[GreenMango]

Ginalouise

This is a golden opportunity.  This can go either way at this point..  Whether or not this is representative of the truth, it is his feelings shared in a vulnerable way.

Have you thought on how you will approach this?
GM

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[gina louise]

I basically wrote him back and said there's two sides to every story, I do love him and I am not willing to give up so easily.
BUT I feel like I married two people and don't ever know which one I will be facing!

I tried to validate the good parts of the e-mail and tell him that I recognized the financial burden was on him. the stress was on both of us that year.

I also told him that the scary abusive bully side of him makes me want him to get some help for his anger issues. I assured him that I am willing to attend counseling jointly with him or alone to work all this out.
I told him that it's apparent that CRITICISM is a touchy point for him.
And I did NOT try to re-write or correct his fairy tale!

the funny part is that I rarely spoke up or argued during our whole r/s of 3 years because He turns into the Hulk when I do. So I basically tippy toed around his hot points...but he will tell you that I am the worst most negative shrew that ever crawled the earth. I am really NOT!

he projects all his negative stuff OUT onto me.
I wish I had a teflon suit! and a helmet.
AND a bad ass sugary cotton candy ray gun that would cover him with sweetness and light and turn black into white again! Or pink?   

GL

[gina louise]

OH and I have been going to the gym with him, and we have been doing things together.

I know this is HIS pain, and his idea that suddenly it's ALL WRONG, ALL BAD and can't be fixed.

I know this is the most he's ever written to me-ever at all.
I can see he's really trying!

GL

[GreenMango]

GL

Validating his feelings when shared in a safe way is definitely a good jumping off point.  Validating abuse or engaging (getting baited into a conflict cycle) doesn't make for a great relationship.

Have you used dearman? Since this interaction with him started in the written form it may be a great way to follow.  It could separate some of the high emotions out of it for both of you.

GM

[gina louise]

green mango-here's what I posted back to him after he sent a one liner *and they lived happily ever after APART*


here's mine:
Listen, I can see that you really tried hard to tell me how you feel in our relationship.
You feel that you try and try over and over FOR ME and I don't do anything to meet you half way. and when that leaves you dazed and confused and hurt-I will not accept even an apology. that must hurt you. I can see how it must make you feel. to try so hard and get shut down. like nothing is ever good enough.
I can see how you would feel that way. I am sorry if I have led you to feel that by MY behavior.
I think that once I am working my worries will settle down- and I will be busy and make new friends. This will take the burden you now feel of entertaining me, away.
I am not used to being demanding of MY needs-so that's something I have to work on.
ALSO
WILL you please help me by telling me when I am treading on touchy ground for you?
Sometimes I don't know what's going on inside you...I can't tell you are TOO UPSET and ready to lose it. You could just warn me-or take a time out and go hit golf balls or something.

I feel like we can have a much BETTER marriage. We CAN have better communication. We can get along better and not feel so worried about the other persons reactions.
What I need from you is the safety to know that IF things get tough you WILL STICK WITH ME.
Say whatever you want when you are angry-but STICK WITH ME.
I love you and I need to know that even when we fight I will not get thrown out.

I love you, I love you no matter what state of mind we both are in-I love you, no matter what.


thanks green mango for the reminder,
GL