What to do when the ex starts badmouthing you to the kids?

[Think About It....]

So my ex-wife is uBPD, and has the kids 90% of the time. I know the twisted truths and outright lies she posts on facebook about me, and quite frankly, I'm concerned about what she is saying to the kids.  She's always telling me to get more involved, but I live two hours away.  It leads me to believe that she's telling them I don't care.

  On the weekends I do have my S9 and D6, we have a great time, but my kids only talk about what are plans our for the weekend, and what tv shows they saw.  Maybe it's me, maybe I don't know the right questions to ask.  They'll give me a little bit about what's going on in school, but that's about it.  I try to show them that I love them and care about them, but just afraid I'm not doing enough.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[rocketdogg22]

So my ex-wife is uBPD, and has the kids 90% of the time. I know the twisted truths and outright lies she posts on facebook about me, and quite frankly, I'm concerned about what she is saying to the kids.  She's always telling me to get more involved, but I live two hours away.  It leads me to believe that she's telling them I don't care.

  On the weekends I do have my S9 and D6, we have a great time, but my kids only talk about what are plans our for the weekend, and what tv shows they saw.  Maybe it's me, maybe I don't know the right questions to ask.  They'll give me a little bit about what's going on in school, but that's about it.  I try to show them that I love them and care about them, but just afraid I'm not doing enough.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Matt]

Well first of all, forgive yourself for whatever you wish was different.  Nothing you do will make everything perfect like it should be, or make your kids open up and tell you everything you wish you knew - what goes on at Mom's house for example.

One little trick I've found, is to try to find time to spend one-on-one with each kid - maybe doing something in the kitchen while the other kid is still asleep or whatever.  Kids that age are much more likely to talk about important stuff when they're alone with you than when they are competing for your attention, and when there are two kids in the room they are always competing for your attention.  (Probably even more so when you're not around all the time.)

Don't compete in your own mind with their mom, or judge everything against her.  Like if they don't eat what you serve, and say, "Why can't you make spaghetti like Mom does?" - let it go.  Put healthy food on the table, and try to find stuff they'll eat, but for all you know they ask mom why she can't make pork chops like Dad does.  Just let it go - all the comparisons you might do in your mind...

For kids that age to talk about TV shows and stuff they're going to do with you on the weekend is the most natural thing in the world.  Ask them about school - what homework they need to get done - make that your top priority - to make sure they have it done and to help them if they need it, and talk about what they're studying in school.  The biggest thing you can do for them - besides maybe supporting them emotionally - is to help them get excited about school.  If they're studying the Revolutionary War, get excited about that, and tell them Washington is your favorite President, because he was honest and fair (or whatever).  Get a movie from Netflix about what they're studying - bad example, I can't think of one about Washington.  Read the books they're reading and talk with them about those.  Get really excited about all their school stuff - just doing fun stuff on the weekends is the easy way out, and they need you to support them academically too.

And emotional support, like validation - support their perceptions and feelings about stuff without imposing your own.  Over time, they'll talk more about Mom, but maybe not as much as you wish;  my kids are 13 and 15, and doing fine, but they rarely talk about their mom, and that's OK.  If they know that it's safe for them to talk to you about anything, then they'll talk about what's on their mind, and you can hear them and validate what they're saying and feeling, and that is super-important (and not super-easy for most of us guys).

First, though, forgive yourself for anything you wish was different, and make the best of the time you have with them.

(Or if you hope to get more time with them, go over to the Family Law board and work through your options with the folks there.  A different subject...)

[little doggy]

Hey rocketdog (cool name)- I know exactly where you're coming from. My S9 and D7 spent most of the time with their mum and the time with me is always enjoyable. But it is difficult to have anything but a fairly superficial discussion with them and they find it hard to talk about their feelings (and for me to show them how much I care for them and want to help them). They ring their mum or yell from the car at handover how much they love her and will miss her. I think I've heard them say they love me once in the last 4 years (they've said plenty of very negative stuff to me). But I've learnt (especially with help from these Boards) to be patient and just tr make sure I give them a happy and healthy environment. If you're ever in doubt have a look through the 'children of BPD' board and you'll see how invaluable that happy and healthy place of respite was for the children during these difficult years. And when the children rave on about their wonderful mother (blah, blah, blah) I try adopt the advice of the penguins from Madagascar (and Matt !) and "smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.."
Good luck and best wishes   

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[Lotusflower]

This is tough. My mother has a BP. She has bad mouthed me from the time I was a very young child. I am now 54. She bad mouthed me to anyone and everyone including my children. I begged her to stop and told her that I will lose all influence as a mother over my children if she continued to do so. As a result... my daughter is a BP, who I never see and/or hear from, and my son followed his sister, disconnnected from me and died. He was murdered. This could have been prevented had I known what this and how serious this mental illness is, but I didn't and we all didn't, but you do now, and when we know better...we do better. Begin to document everything and do everything in your power to remove your children out of that environment. If you can't please go into therapy with them and tell the therapist about the BP in your life and your concerns. Your children have to become educated on this illness. I wish you the best.