Hi Parrot Pill,
My heart goes out for you & your daughter. Even as adults, it is hard to take it as it is. I can't imagine how your dd might have left being the car with her dad in that condition. Like you I am also confused about whether my h has BPD or not. Watching the movie 'Front of the class' made me think that my H may be suffering from some kind of a disorder which makes him say or do the things he is not supposed to. That is when I learnt about different personality disorders online including BPD. BTW, 'Front of the class movie is about a person with Tourette's syndrome who is misunderstood as a troublemaker due to his symptons & who becomes successful later on in his life. Must watch movie!
Though I learned about BPD last October, I think I was in denial that my h has BPD & just ordered the 'High Conflict Couple' book. But then, I just read a few pages & did not do much about the situation. A big argument last month made me come back to this site. After seeing all the videos & reading the articles, I am having serious doubts that my h has BPD. Sometimes I am convinced since he has most of the symptoms but there are times when I think that maybe my mind is playing tricks in order to think that my h has BPD. I feel that maybe I am missing something & maybe I am also at fault for him to behave this way. So you are not alone in feeling confused about BPD possibility.
I will not come to the conclusion that my H has BPD for sure
just by reading articles/books since I am a layperson & h has not been diagnosed yet by a professional, at least as far as I know. He has his own T, so other than the fact that his T gave EMDR treatment, I don't know whether his T diagnosed my h's condition & whether T told H about it). But one thing is for sure. After last month's big argument & after learning about the possibility of h being pwBPD & learning more about BPD, my attitude has changed. I am still in the process of learning the tools for handling pwBPD & have slowly started to implement them. Whether pwBPD is diagnosed or not, it does not hurt to follow the methods of communication & handling them.
Here's a summary of my status & what I have been doing:
- I have a sense of relief that maybe there is some explanation to this crazyness & that he is not a mean person who is doing this knowingly
- To a certain extent, I have an understanding of his behavior & actions & why he cannot control them
- I do not get into no-win circular arguments
- I do not yell back (as I used to before knowledge of BPD) to make the situation worse. As it states in the column on the right side of this page - Before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse - I guess I am doing just that.
- tried validation once. It worked wonders. I could see his attitude change & tone soften in a flash.
- I do not bring up past incidents
- I try not to stay in the house when he starts dysregulating during the day time. If it happens late in the night, I cannot leave the house. So I stay away from him & try not to take his rants & accusations personally. It is easier said than done especially when he is yelling at the top of his voice.
- have a journal of H's dysregulations & accusations - to keep track for future reference & to see whether there is any truth in it. If he is mad at me for a genuine thing which is rare, I apologize & correct my mistakes. For example, he was complaining about clutter in the house, so I started clearing it up. BTW, decluttering is good to relieve stress even for normal persons, let alone people with POs.
- going to see a therapist tomorrow. I am not going to mention T about BPD since I do not want to bias T. Off course, I understand that T knows better to not be biased. I want to state the facts to T & see whether she can diagnose it without me mentioning it.
- making a list of h's behavior (to give to my T) but careful not to compare it with the list of BPD symptoms in any website so that I am able to state the facts & not try to make them fit to the symtoms.
- no offence meant - but for a while I stopped reading other members' posts in this site since I wanted to concentrate on my problem & have a clear idea as to how to start healing & what steps I should be taking to move on. I was getting overwhelmed as it is & could not bear to read the heart-breaking posts of others. With that being said, this forum has been a lifeline for me since this is the first time I am sharing intimate details of my struggles.
- I am trying to stay positive. Without knowing about BPD, I had no idea why h was behaving crazily. Now with knowledge that h maybe a possible pwBPD, sometimes I am relieved that I know the reason. But there are times when 'why me' question comes up & I wallow in self-pity. Understanding that that is not going to solve my problem, I try to come out of that mode as quickly as possible by listening to music or do some gardening work.
- I got most books about BPD & educating myself. I take care to keep the books out of h's sight & read them when he is at work. I got a Kindle as a gift. I am planning to download the Kindle version of the books so that I can take them anywhere without worrying about others seeing the title. Further I can lock the Kindle with a password & prevent others especially h seeing its content.
- I took a break from reading books as it hit me that it is the nons who has the most of the work burden on their heads to repair the r/s at the same time taking care of themselves. I needed that break to digest all the facts & see what is ahead of me/us.
- I am trying really hard to beat the temptation of telling h about my doubts of his BPD possibility especially when he is in a good mood. But since I can never forsee his reaction & that it is a bad idea to tell a person about their mental condition, it is my secret for now which I will not reveal to him.
Hope this list will be helpful to you. By reading your post, I cannot give my opinion about your h. Maybe senior members can help you with that. Hope you have the courage to go on & give your best to take care of the situation.