An NC fail. I'm flailing.

[Think About It...]

I've already given in to breaking NC. I have to take personal responsibility and firm up. My BPDxbf has been trying using the usual routes, but I've been NC. So he texts me to check my box at work. So I get it, it is something precious from his childhood that he wants me to give to my son, along with a brief note that is very kind. There's also a note for me saying that this isn't about me at all, this isn't manipulative effort towards contact, but rather an ammends that he's worked out with his AA sponsor for my son. I couldn't figure out why this was, they hadn't spent a ton of time together in our 4 month relationship (it felt more like 4 years, though). So I broke the NC and asked him via tm why he felt the need for this ammends. I mean, this is my kid we're talking about here. If this was bait, I took it.

He told me how knew that he'd caused my son some significant stress (it's true, my son knew we broke up a lot and worried about that) and that he'd treated me badly. He did the inventory around that and wanted to make the ammends. So I thought that was something I could understand and accept. I passed on the item and note. The note was fairly light, it was like "you are a great kid, very kind, intelligent and sentitive." Just that, plus a few words about the item itself and why he thought my son might enjoy it.

So. Of course it didn't end there. Pretty amazing: he texts me that he has BPD and that he's started DBT with his new T! As I've mentioned before that he's high functioning and that he has pretty good self-insight and a lot of experience in the 12-step environment. He'd told me that he had Atatchment Disorder (of course, BPD is one) and I knew he took Lamictal (the main BPD drug). Anyway, this blew me out of the water, as you might well imagine. I never said anything to him about BPD and I myself have only recently become sure that this is the primary issue, and yes, I am a newbie here too. I'm feeling like he's had the dx for a while, maybe just in denial, skirting the issue. So this totally wrangled me, gave me hope, mixed me up, made me feel like I need to jump in and help, praise him, etc. And I did praise him, I *am* so glad he's starting DBT.

But the texts kept coming, he started dysregulating big time. He was melting down, asking me if I've met anyone, asking me if I drank (I'm a sober A). He is expressing his agony over "losing me to an hour of poor impulse control as he's been doing his whole life." Expressing how he feels like he's in hell (I don't doubt that for a minute, BPD is hell). Just agonizing. And he mentions that his T feels like DBT works best when the person is in a relationship (which, sure, as a T it's going to be easier working the DBT around real-time, real-life relationship issues vs. working the DBT in a vacuum. Makes sense, but the partner ends up being kind of a "lab rat.")

Let me tell you, that really got me, the idea that his DBT would be more effective if he was still with me. That really triggered me, I felt like I needed to jump in and sign up to better serve his recovery.  Good little savior that I am. Right?

So I end up talking to him on the phone, he was fully melting down in tears. He ends up saying that NC has to happen in order for him to stay sane, yet he's so afraid of that. But...I got yet another text from him later. I gotta keep NC! This is just more of the same, right? And I have to THINK...responding to him is perhaps not even ethical. He's experiencing very real mental health issues. Contact just exacerbates those issues. I can't do that! I have to let him go and maintain strict NC so he can focus on his recovery. Right?

Only you guys could possibly understand. I talked to someone else who sort of rolled her eyes at me. I'm trying. I really am. Yeah, I need some support about maintaining NC. Are these slips normal?

[notetoself]

I've already given in to breaking NC. I have to take personal responsibility and firm up. My BPDxbf has been trying using the usual routes, but I've been NC. So he texts me to check my box at work. So I get it, it is something precious from his childhood that he wants me to give to my son, along with a brief note that is very kind. There's also a note for me saying that this isn't about me at all, this isn't manipulative effort towards contact, but rather an ammends that he's worked out with his AA sponsor for my son. I couldn't figure out why this was, they hadn't spent a ton of time together in our 4 month relationship (it felt more like 4 years, though). So I broke the NC and asked him via tm why he felt the need for this ammends. I mean, this is my kid we're talking about here. If this was bait, I took it.

He told me how knew that he'd caused my son some significant stress (it's true, my son knew we broke up a lot and worried about that) and that he'd treated me badly. He did the inventory around that and wanted to make the ammends. So I thought that was something I could understand and accept. I passed on the item and note. The note was fairly light, it was like "you are a great kid, very kind, intelligent and sentitive." Just that, plus a few words about the item itself and why he thought my son might enjoy it.

So. Of course it didn't end there. Pretty amazing: he texts me that he has BPD and that he's started DBT with his new T! As I've mentioned before that he's high functioning and that he has pretty good self-insight and a lot of experience in the 12-step environment. He'd told me that he had Atatchment Disorder (of course, BPD is one) and I knew he took Lamictal (the main BPD drug). Anyway, this blew me out of the water, as you might well imagine. I never said anything to him about BPD and I myself have only recently become sure that this is the primary issue, and yes, I am a newbie here too. I'm feeling like he's had the dx for a while, maybe just in denial, skirting the issue. So this totally wrangled me, gave me hope, mixed me up, made me feel like I need to jump in and help, praise him, etc. And I did praise him, I *am* so glad he's starting DBT.

But the texts kept coming, he started dysregulating big time. He was melting down, asking me if I've met anyone, asking me if I drank (I'm a sober A). He is expressing his agony over "losing me to an hour of poor impulse control as he's been doing his whole life." Expressing how he feels like he's in hell (I don't doubt that for a minute, BPD is hell). Just agonizing. And he mentions that his T feels like DBT works best when the person is in a relationship (which, sure, as a T it's going to be easier working the DBT around real-time, real-life relationship issues vs. working the DBT in a vacuum. Makes sense, but the partner ends up being kind of a "lab rat.")

Let me tell you, that really got me, the idea that his DBT would be more effective if he was still with me. That really triggered me, I felt like I needed to jump in and sign up to better serve his recovery.  Good little savior that I am. Right?

So I end up talking to him on the phone, he was fully melting down in tears. He ends up saying that NC has to happen in order for him to stay sane, yet he's so afraid of that. But...I got yet another text from him later. I gotta keep NC! This is just more of the same, right? And I have to THINK...responding to him is perhaps not even ethical. He's experiencing very real mental health issues. Contact just exacerbates those issues. I can't do that! I have to let him go and maintain strict NC so he can focus on his recovery. Right?

Only you guys could possibly understand. I talked to someone else who sort of rolled her eyes at me. I'm trying. I really am. Yeah, I need some support about maintaining NC. Are these slips normal?

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there NotetoSelf

No Contact is really, really hard!  However, don't be so hard on yourself, NC is a process that requires hard work!

I would be a very rich girl if I had put money in a jar each time I broke NC!   

In time, you will find (most likely) that NC is the kindest thing for both you and your son, and also (as he is saying now) for your ex, too.  Whenever your ex tries to wangle his way back into your life, with a seemingly harmless gesture, you will now become wiser to what is actually going on.

I think you will find the article http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-no-contact-rule-rose/ very helpful, in terms of bringing you strength.  Natalie really knows her stuff, and although it is written for everyday people and not specifically for a BPD relationship, you will find that it still very much applies.  Here is another article she has written - http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/no-contact-why-you-need-to-keep-your-proverbial-door-closed-even-when-they-try-to-break-it-down-by-any-means-necessary/ 

Have a look around her site, and of course, we are always here to support you 

Just like with a diet...start again tomorrow 

JP
x

[bpdlover]

Thank you for your sincere and detailed post. I got to paragraph two and knew what was coming in paragraphs four five and six. You are right to respect his wishes and keep NC. Letting go will be difficult as it is hard to watch someone we care about so conflicted. It is possibly the greatest gift to this troubled soul for you to move on. They do want this for us. My ex told me to let her go during the last phone conversation. She also tried to accuse me of something that did not happen but then played it down when I questioned it. I wish her the best, as you do your ex. What is encouraging is that he at least been able to recognise some of his issues. Whether he sticks with treatment is up to him. A hard lesson because our ex's are children in an adults body, which adds to the confusion. Truth is, while he may go off in any direction, your role, as a respected ex partner, is to provide stability for yourself and set firm boundaries in place. Something inside my ex wanted me away from her also. Look forward to hearing more and remember there are good people who have been through similar experiences on this site. Be good to yourself. BPDL

[Sabine]

Hi NotetoSelf,

Nobody is judging you here. Like JP and many other express NC is very hard. IMHO, contacting you through an AA amends is highly manipulative. Did he ask what he could do to make things right? He isn't making anything right by not respecting you. It may sound harsh, but the better amends would be to know to leave you be and not to contact you or your son. He can make a living amends by doing this. An amends is much more than just an apology. 

In order for you to even begin to heal, you need to stay NC of any kind. You don't need to fix him or rescue him. It's your happiness you seek, not his, you need to focus on you and your own recovery. (from him)

Don't worry about letting him in this time, just get back on the horse and stick to NC. You can do it and you deserve it.  Big Hugs!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[LoveNYC]

Is there a way to block him?

It does seem that you are triggering him, I felt that way with my ex. The more he loved me, the more allergic he was to everything about me.

So heartbreaking to even write that.

[nona]

My heart cracks

my eyes leak

[notetoself]

Oh no! He's texting texting texting about being broken hearted, about bawling in front of his daughter...just, it's unbearable.

WHY? Why are these relationships so hard to leave? It's killing me.

[jessicapuppy]

If I were you, I would have to change my number.  That sort of thing is really unhealthy and will always cause you pain right now.

Be strong
x

[patientandclear]

I think under these particular circumstances it would be quite cold to simply change the phone number.  He reached out, you responded, you've both been talking about the need for NC, but he is really sad and struggling with what we know are real terrors of loss & being alone.  Even if that is what is necessary, I think it's appropriate and you will feel better if you explain the "why" kindly and gently, and warmly if you can, even if you have already done so before this flurry of communication.  Something like "I care for you, wish you the very best, and hope I'm right that no contact, for the time being at least, is the best choice for each of us."

BTW, does anyone have any reaction to the T's supposed theory that DBT works better when the patient is in a r/s?  My ex's T -- and I don't know that she had diagnosed him though I think it is possible -- practically ordered him NOT to return to a r/s with me because he needed to be alone to investigate his intimacy issues.  No idea if she was planning DBT or if he pursued that.

[Sabine]

Oh no! He's texting texting texting about being broken hearted, about bawling in front of his daughter...just, it's unbearable.

WHY? Why are these relationships so hard to leave? It's killing me.

Hi notetoself,

You've given all the reasons on why it's hard to leave and you're just struggling with with it b/c you're reading his text msgs. It only brings us back to pain when we reengage with them. It seems that you both have made the decision to be NC, (that includes not reading emails, texts, or letters) that he sends you. I know what you are going through - EXACTLY. Mine did the same thing, always claimed to be working on his issues, 25+ yrs sober member of AA, apologized when he'd rage, made amends, cried, sobbed, hated himself for behaving the way he did. We broke up we made up... nothing changed and I was losing myself. The only thing that helped for BOTH of us is that I completely went NC.

Unless you want to try it again, stay in NC. If you know in your heart that it is not a healthy choice to go back with him then you must start with NC. It will get better...it will! 

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