List of things we believe caused their behavior before we learned of BPD

[Think About It...]

My exBPDgf was an enigmatic waif, so it was difficult to figure her out over the years.

I'm interested in reading other non's list of things they believed caused their ex's behavior, prior to them learning about BPD.

Here's a list of things I thought were the problem:

Extreme PMS (#1, as it was the most predictable cycle of her moods)
Extreme Tiredness
Melancholia
Seasonal Depression
Missing her kids (her ex-H has custody of 2 of her children. I know BIG RED FLAG straight out of the gate, but she portrayed him as a control freak jerk, painted black, and they've been divorced for 10 years)
Alcohol Abuse (she drank nightly, but not to sloppy excess, but it seemed to definitely effect her moods, good & bad)
Just being an A-hole (when she ran out of excuses for her, she'd say "This is just how I am! Why can't you LOVE me the way I am? - ok, then)
Chantix (made her crazy-depressed, she tried to quit smoking)
New Meds (changed anti depressants, made her more depressed)
Her Job (she always complained about it, wanted to quit, it wasn't fulfilling - it was actually a pretty good job. She just took it for granted and would rather stay home and sit on her A.)

Switching Birth Control (made her depressed)
Getting Off Birth Control (made her depressed)

[abovebeyond]

My exBPDgf was an enigmatic waif, so it was difficult to figure her out over the years.

I'm interested in reading other non's list of things they believed caused their ex's behavior, prior to them learning about BPD.

Here's a list of things I thought were the problem:

Extreme PMS (#1, as it was the most predictable cycle of her moods)
Extreme Tiredness
Melancholia
Seasonal Depression
Missing her kids (her ex-H has custody of 2 of her children. I know BIG RED FLAG straight out of the gate, but she portrayed him as a control freak jerk, painted black, and they've been divorced for 10 years)
Alcohol Abuse (she drank nightly, but not to sloppy excess, but it seemed to definitely effect her moods, good & bad)
Just being an A-hole (when she ran out of excuses for her, she'd say "This is just how I am! Why can't you LOVE me the way I am? - ok, then)
Chantix (made her crazy-depressed, she tried to quit smoking)
New Meds (changed anti depressants, made her more depressed)
Her Job (she always complained about it, wanted to quit, it wasn't fulfilling - it was actually a pretty good job. She just took it for granted and would rather stay home and sit on her A.)

Switching Birth Control (made her depressed)
Getting Off Birth Control (made her depressed)

[gina louise]

Ok...Hmmmmm Here's what I *thought* initially

Financial stress...works as a contract employee so jobs last a year or two and then could have a gap of 2- 6 months finding/securing another contract. that's just plain scary- and I never understood why he didn't seek full time regular gigs with benefits. he seems to relish the downtime until, oops! he runs out of $$$$.

No retirement $$ to look forward to (see above) must work forever!

new job stress-he was always starting new someplace every 6 months or so...

Impulsive spending-if he has $$ it's here today, gone tomorrow!

serious insomnia and sleep issues

Seasonal depression-he would try to break up with me every spring, after a miserable winter.

Fatigued, tired all the time (until someone has plans for something FUN)

string of hellish short term r/s-the kind that ended with nasty texts after a few hectic weeks/months

family of origin was a complete train wreck-never dealt with those issues

recovering in NA and AA both-decades of recovery

BUT none of that addressed his feelings of entitlement, his blame and projecting, the gaslighting and the extreme inexplicable rages.
GL

[o2bz14u]

Bi-polar.

That's it. That's what I Googled and found out about BPD.

[JDoe]

Abusive childhood- emotional, verbal, mental, and physical abuse from his dad

Neglect by his mom- no protection from above.

Getting kicked out of the house at 17 and having to take care of himself and go to school and work and lacked opportunities for college.

Life was just hard on him.

Everyone in his life had let him down.

Hard job- he worked in phone collections for 20 years.

Hateful bosses and coworkers- oh, the stories he told!

My failure to be thin/young/trashy/doormatish enough.

My inability to do/remember the things he wanted me to do to "make him happy."

Bringing home pizza from the wrong carry out place!

Not "trying to make up" with him after he raged.

My not being a good enough wife.  After all, love conquers all, doesn't it?

His loss of faith (when God wasn't answering his prayers "right").

Bipolar disorder.

Seasonal Affective Disorder- bought a natural sun-emulating lamp (not cheap) to try to help.  Yeah, right.

Narcissicm- research led me here.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[MuGGzy]

I knew there was some variation of pathological or compulsive lying going on.
Depression in general.
An endless string of illnesses, injuries, and/or diseases, a few legitimate but mostly imagined.
Simple desire for attention due to insecurity.
Boredom, I always encouraged her to get a job...ANY job, or even a hobby, so she had something to do with her time. In my mind I figured she was just BORED sitting at home and so she was creating drama and wild stories to fill her boring life.

[Changed4safety]

Bipolar disorder.
PTSD caused from trauma from a past relationship.
Alcoholic mother.
Type I diabetes.
Sleep problems.
Problems with medications.

He's been diagnosed with the first two formally, our therapist told me that both she and his therapist had diagnosed him with BPD but his therapist opted not to tell him (I guess because he was already doing the same things he would do if he knew he had BPD and another diagnosis would crush him to no real purpose.)  So I don't know how much is attributable to what.

[Gaslit]

Funny, I just thought mine was an ungrateful beeeeatch!

[Zena321]

Bi-Polar
OCD
His Type 1 Diabetes and Issues that accompany it
Anxiety
Job Stressors/Demands
His way or no way
Me Not Being Perfect For Him

[MarshaDole]

My exBF was diagnosed as bipolar while staying in a mental hospital (he was involuntarily confined after making suicidal plans and verbalizing such in front of the admittance staff).

While he was still in the hospital, I read everything about bipolar illness that I could get my hands on. Some things still didn't add up. One day I read something about borderline personality disorder often being mistaken for bipolar illness, and vice versa, even by mental health professionals. I immediately looked into BPD online, and it was just a case of bingo, bingo, bingo right down the line. All the jigsaw pieces fell right into place with BPD.
But I learned soon thereafter that insurance rarely covers BPD, and that the medications for bipolar illess, especially antidepressants and mood stabilizers, often help those with BPD as well. My impression is that once someone is diagnosed as bipolar, few mental health professionals amend the diagnosis becase a) the person may well have both conditions; b) bipolar illness treatments are frequently covered by insurance while BPD is not; and c) many people, including some clinicians, still attach a significant amount of stigma to the BPD label.

[Dera]

I thought his abusive ex-w was causing it. Also, the physical pain from his acid reflux excused his angry outbursts and withdrawal. His depression and anxiety.

[nonhere]

Great thread.  Here's my list:

Difficulty finding a job (terrible recession, so hard to find any work)
Frustration with low-level jobs that were all she could find
Difficulty of being a migrant not in her own country
Shock at suddenly losing a good employment

Me not being good enough to lift her out of her unhappiness - though I listened to her and reassured her whenever she needed it.
Me not being able to find a job.  (That one really hurts, still.  I was made to feel that I wasn't good enough, when I was busting my *** thinking up ways I could find work and trying them; when I'd never been unemployed for 20 years; when I'd simply been whacked by the Great Financial Crisis).