Vacation w DD26?

[Think About It...]

Hi there,
I've never started a topic before, so here goes.  My situation is this:  My DH and I are planning a relaxing stay in my home state in a family cabin near a lake for 3 weeks. We are driving both ways (long drive). I invited both DD (23 and 26) to come up if they could find some time.
My nonBPD 23 yr old and her byfriend bought airline tickets, took time off work and made plans to join us for a week.
My BPDDD26 wants to ride up with us and stay the whole time.  This is an isolated spot (no internet, TV, phone, no air conditioning) and I'm afraid of her anxiety and...  I never dreamed she would want to come, but she has so little else going on in her life.  I could not see not inviting her. It's a rare chance to see distant relatives.
She knows there will be no drugs/alcohol allowed (she lives w/ us and does not bring it home).  There are towns fairly near by, so I'm thinking I'll rent her a car for part of the time, so she can go exploring on her own. I'm helping my other daughter rent a car for the week as well.
I've told her that I intend to spend alot of time in meditation and quiet time.  I'm bringing losts of books and also my insturments to practice.  Will also go fishing wDH.  She expressed interest in doing Yoga and in running every day and also in reading and writing.  I've been practicing Wise Mind and radical acceptance for some months now, and it seems to be helping a great deal in terms of communication w/ BPD26.  I do worry about DH (step father).  He's great most of the time, but less patient than I.  Am I crazy for agreeing to this?

[trytrytry]

Hi there,
I've never started a topic before, so here goes.  My situation is this:  My DH and I are planning a relaxing stay in my home state in a family cabin near a lake for 3 weeks. We are driving both ways (long drive). I invited both DD (23 and 26) to come up if they could find some time.
My nonBPD 23 yr old and her byfriend bought airline tickets, took time off work and made plans to join us for a week.
My BPDDD26 wants to ride up with us and stay the whole time.  This is an isolated spot (no internet, TV, phone, no air conditioning) and I'm afraid of her anxiety and...  I never dreamed she would want to come, but she has so little else going on in her life.  I could not see not inviting her. It's a rare chance to see distant relatives.
She knows there will be no drugs/alcohol allowed (she lives w/ us and does not bring it home).  There are towns fairly near by, so I'm thinking I'll rent her a car for part of the time, so she can go exploring on her own. I'm helping my other daughter rent a car for the week as well.
I've told her that I intend to spend alot of time in meditation and quiet time.  I'm bringing losts of books and also my insturments to practice.  Will also go fishing wDH.  She expressed interest in doing Yoga and in running every day and also in reading and writing.  I've been practicing Wise Mind and radical acceptance for some months now, and it seems to be helping a great deal in terms of communication w/ BPD26.  I do worry about DH (step father).  He's great most of the time, but less patient than I.  Am I crazy for agreeing to this?

[qcarolr]

If you and dh want some couple time - it is OK to put this need at the top of the list. Have you asked dh what his preference is? Maybe there is a way for DD26 to fly out when her sis is coming - for 'family week' - instead of coming for the whole time. Or maybe she can travel out with you and fly home earlier. You know your family the best, and your budget. Have a plan B in place to take care of yourself - this is your vacation too.

My biggest problem with my own DD26 would be the long road trip. Get my dh and her bottled up in a car with nowhere to go and it can get ugly -- outspoken loud BPD vs. passive-aggressive with extreme sacarsm dh.

qcr

[trytrytry]

Thank you qcarolr for your words of wisdom.  Yes, the car trip seems to be the most difficult thing to negotiate.  We're thinking about having her fly up for some time while her sister is there, and, maybe come back w/ us, or maybe fly back, if we can work out the finances.  I guess in light of this distressing illness, this is a rather high class problem, but the illness could turn this into the vacation from hell.  Who knows if she'll even come at all?  No planning ahead w/ my DD. Let's just wait until the last minute when airfares are as high as they can be!  So often we've made plans w/ her that have fallen through.  I guess I just keep hoping that this time will be different.  She has matured some, but she's fooled me before.
Working to keep both radical acceptance and Wise Mind in effect for my own protection.  Need to remember that she's not doing this to me for spite, but only because of her own inability to navigate throgh life.  Thanks for your support.

[qcarolr]

I can sure relate to the last minute change of plans with my DD. So frustrating for me to put effort into adjusting myself and everyone else to accomodate her and then she bails out at the last minute.  I think sometimes it is a mix of her really wanting to be a part of family events vs. the reality of how uncomfortable she is with family.  Kind of the fantasy/reality zig-zag of her BPDness. Absolutely no way to predict.

And it is so devasting if we do not acknowledge her desire, however much it is based in her fantasy/reality state of the moment. Dealing with air travel makes the stakes so much higher. Does seem a car ride toward home has greater chance of not messing up the vacation.

Other thought that justed popped in - are there places or things you and dh can do without DD while at the vacation location? So you can build in some time alone with each other? Or things that DD could do on her own to give her a break from family?

qcr

[seekinglight]

Our last vacation with our daughter went quite badly.

No way would I consider three weeks, could a compromise be worked out? "We want you to come, but we also want some alone time. How about coming the middle week?" Or some such arrangement, this will eliminate the availablity of the car, and give you time before and after.

I just could not take the forced time alone, and knowing the high need for activity and drama in this illness, I would be on tenderhooks the whole time.

[trytrytry]

Thanks Seekinglight and Qcarolr,
I value your experience and insight, and have a sinking feeling you're right.  I need to fork out the $ for round trip tickets no matter how late she decides.  That way, I can say I've done everything I can to include her, and let her see her family. At the same time, I allow for alone time for DH and myself.  As much as I want her to plan and stick to plan, experience has told me not to count on that.  I even think I can buy a rider on the airline tickets in case she cancels.  Thanks so much for letting me bounce this off you-Other people would think I was crazy to make such a big deal out of this.  They have not lived with the dangerous drama and roller coaster emotions that  my DD26 suffers with.
One day at a time, eh?

[INFORMATION ABOUT THE 'SUPPORTING A CHILD' BOARD]

INFORMATION ABOUT THE 'SUPPORTING A CHILD' BOARD Our objective is to learn how to support our loved ones and to find peace and understanding in our own lives. There is real help and real hope available for families. For information and guidelines please click here :