How do I not take his words personally?

[Think About It...]

Hey Everyone,
Sorry it has been a few days since I have been on.  Thank you all for your words of advice. 

A question, How do you not take the horrible things that are being said to heart?  I try for the longest time not to take it personal but then I find myself getting really frustrated. 

[Boot]

Hey Everyone,
Sorry it has been a few days since I have been on.  Thank you all for your words of advice. 

A question, How do you not take the horrible things that are being said to heart?  I try for the longest time not to take it personal but then I find myself getting really frustrated. 

[united for now]

What sort of things are we talking about?

[Dynamic]

Boot,
Last weekend my h started dysregulating around 11pm. Since I could not leave the house that late, I had no choice but to stay & hear all his accusations. I know validation will not work at that point. I try not to take it personally by reminding myself that he is expressing his feelings & that they are NOT facts. I reinforce that it is way far beyond the truth. And just because he is trying to make a point yelling at the top of his voice does not change the facts. The next day morning, he had cooled down. Later he apologized & told me that it was like a slap on his face that I did not utter a word when he went out of control. Even without his apology or realization of his mistake, I felt strong & really good for not losing my temper thereby avoiding making things worse .   

I started a journal & even went to the extent of making a note of all the accusations he made during one dysregulating session. I could totally see that his mind desperately going in all directions to paint me black for everything under the sun. I could clearly see that no normal person would accuse me for those reasons. That made me grounded & feel better.

[Boot]

United For Now,

She has said it all to me.  Usually its things about me being unfaithful.  I was unfaithful in my first marriage.  I told her about it and fully disclosed it when we were dating.  I have come to terms with my issues and why it was that I was unfaithful.  My wife married me fully knowing all of this.  She now is having major trust issues.  I understand that to an extent.  However, it seems like every other day she brings it up.  I have never cheated on her and I will never be unfaithful again.

She continuously brings up things that I did long before she and I ever got together.  She brings up things that happened 5-10 years ago.  I fully believe I have held myself acccountable and I have been completely honest with her. 

One night she was drunk and told me many times that she was going to go have sex with her ex.  She said this because we had fought earlier in the day and I did not want to be intimate with her.  I handled it well for a few hours but after hearing it for about 3 hours I lost my cool.

She continuously brings up my past girlfriends.  She seems to think I wanted them more than her, even though I broke off those relationships.  I don't think about my ex's.  Yet she frequently accuses me of still wanting them. 

I work at nights and tonight I stopped by the house for a cup of coffee.  I was missing her today while she was at work.  I told her I missed her and she replied that it makes her feel like I am getting ready to cheat on her since I am telling her she is not meeting my needs.  That was not the case at all.  I just missed her.

Sorry I know I am starting to ramble. 


Dynamic,
Thank you for the advice.  I hav a job where I deal with many people at their worst.  I am used to having them be rude and not very nice.  I just have a hard time dealing with it when its someone I love.  I can disconnect and not take things personal at work.  I am just struggling with it at home.

[Rose Tiger]

My husband would continually try to fing the button to push that would set me off so I would play the game.  I was good at it too, defending, trying desperately to find the right words to say so he would understand my point, and he would say the most crazy things back to me.  I would be soooo upset and then he would refuse to speak to me for days.  Nothing ever got resolved.  I was going crazy trying to make him happy to avoid him getting upset.  I would try to change to make him happy.  I gave up everything I loved until I was as much of an empty shell as he was, personality gone.

That's as bad as it can get and then it's rock bottom.

What I know now is that his rages are his way of releasing his angst that builds up.  It's his coping mechanism.  Make someone feel bad makes him feel better.  I wasn't a mirror, I was a sponge.

What your partner has done has found your button so that you will play the game.  If she thought telling you that you have a blue toe would get your dander up, she'd use it.  You have a blue toe!  No, I don't, look at them, none of them are blue.  Yes they are!

Being a mirror is saying their words back to them, really?  You think my toe is blue?  Why do you think that?  Repeating back what they say is not agreeing.  Takes the fizzle right out of the situation. 

[Rose Tiger]

Telling a pwBPD that you miss them can get twisted into that they are letting us down somehow.  They've had too much criticism for not doing things right growing up so they are very sensitive and hard on themselves because they've tried so hard for so long to be perfect.  My husband just wants to be heard without being told that he is not doing it right.

So listen without telling her she isn't seeing it right or she is taking it wrong or any of that, she just wants to say her feelings with no judgment on whether her feelings are right or wrong.  Feelings are feelings, we can't help what we feel but we have every right to feel them, feelings aren't wrong or right, they just are.

[united for now]

Jealousy... that is a symptom of her own insecurities, mixed up with her knowledge that you did it before so you can do it again.

What you've been trying hasn't been working, and in fact, is making things worse. Her insecurities won't be alleviated by you professing your love for her or you bringing her flowers. Her insecurities are deeply rooted in her shame and self hatred - thus why she has BPD.

When she starts in with her accusations, do you defend yourself? Declaring how she is the only one? Do you keep telling her how innocent you are? That you've done nothing wrong and that you won't?

This is hard to wrap our heads around, but doing these things are invalidating to our partners...

She "feels" unloved
She "feels" insecure
She "feels" afraid

Telling her not to feel that way isn't helping her or showing any understanding of how "she feels"... What she needs to hear is that you can accept her feeling afraid and insecure, and that it makes sense that she would feel that way - and lastly that you love her.

It's also important that we not get caught up in discussing this topic over and over and over again...cause that reinforces her fears, not alleviates them. It continues the same unhealthy patterns she's used time after time, with no improvement in her fears or jealousy. When she starts to become repetitious, it's important to step back and not keep going. This is one situation where talking it out endlessly doesn't solve anything, it makes things worse.

I can see that you're concerned about this and I care about how you feel. We've discussed this before and I don't want to keep going over it again so lets take a break for a bit. then take a time out to allow both of you to calm down and regroup.

~ Step one is listen to her fears and don't JADE. Validate, validate, and then validate some more...

~ Step two is to draw a line in how often you will listen to her fears and insecurities, with the goal to be a reduction over time or strict limits on when her jealousies can be discussed (only during dinner, not in bed) or how they can be targeted towards (only jealousies for female friends, not coworkers).  

Expect an extinction burst. She won't like it when you no longer follow her into her fears...when we change the rules there will be an escalation as they attempt to get you to re-engage with them in the old dysfunctional patterns. This is where we say you need to be strong and believe in yourself...

[Validation78]

Hi Boot and All!
   Not taking words personally used to be a very difficult thing for me. In fact, I have always said that words are very powerful. Well, dealing with a pwBPD, I have had to readjust my thinking. I have since reverted to  the old adage, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. It stinks to hear hurtful things, yes, it does. However, when we accept (RA) that theses words are coming from a mentally ill person, who is hurting so much inside, that the only way they can deal with it is to lash out at us, and that they don't mean everything they say, and sometimes don't even know what they are saying, it makes it somewhat easier. As a person of faith, I also draw on my faith to forgive the words, during and after, so they don't stay in my head and cause me to make any judgments. If the words are gaining too much power, and being mindful of what emotions they are creating in me, I know it's too much, and I must remove myself from the situation. None of this is easy to put into practice, but one thing I can always count on is lots of practice!

Best Wishes,
Val78

[Surnia]

Hi boot

yes, for me too it is very diffcult to not take all personally.

What I have learned in the last month: I know what I am and what not. If my h says nasty things about me, I know for shure this is not like this. the important thing for me is _my opinion, my self-esteem_ , not his about me.
Example: He is 9 years younger than me, he statet once a while, that I only married him bc I want somebody who care of me when I am old/weak. Thats really nasty. I was   
I asked myself, is there someting in it? I have to say no, it is not like this, this is/was really not me intention. Period. It is sad that he think like this but I know for sure, that it is not the truth.
This is something new for me. In in all the sadness I find also something: I do not rely so much on others but on me.

[briefcase]

Jealousy... that is a symptom of her own insecurities, mixed up with her knowledge that you did it before so you can do it again.

This was my impression too.  I dealt with false accusations a lot, and it is very hurtful.

The next time she accuses you of being unfaithful, or wanting to be unfaithful, try to remember that what she is really saying is, "I don't feel secure right now."  She is really talking about herself.  It helps to keep this fact in mind when you hear things like false accusations, unwarranted anger and such.  Something insider her is coming out.  It's fine to validate some of these feelings (empathize with her), but when you start to feel abused by her words you need to walk away from the conversation.

[Boot]

When she starts in with her accusations, do you defend yourself? Declaring how she is the only one? Do you keep telling her how innocent you are? That you've done nothing wrong and that you won't?

Yes I do.  Unfortunately this never seems to work.  I have said it until I am blue in the face.  I will work on your suugestions.

~ Step two is to draw a line in how often you will listen to her fears and insecurities, with the goal to be a reduction over time or strict limits on when her jealousies can be discussed (only during dinner, not in bed) or how they can be targeted towards (only jealousies for female friends, not coworkers). 

How do I do this?  I have tried many times before but she continues.  In bed she will just talk and talk and talk.  Even after me telling her several times we need to go to sleep.  But she continues.  She will keep going sometimes for 2-3 hours.  It gets to the point where I end up getting so frustrated I lose it.  Then after she will want to be intimate and it just sends my mind spinning.

I used to be a very peaceful person but this past year I have lost a lot of patience.  I find my fuse is shorter and shorter.  I really want to reclaim that.  Sorry today was a rough day with her.

[Dynamic]

How do I do this?  I have tried many times before but she continues.  In bed she will just talk and talk and talk.  Even after me telling her several times we need to go to sleep.  But she continues.  She will keep going sometimes for 2-3 hours.  It gets to the point where I end up getting so frustrated I lose it.  Then after she will want to be intimate and it just sends my mind spinning.

I used to be a very peaceful person but this past year I have lost a lot of patience.  I find my fuse is shorter and shorter.  I really want to reclaim that.  Sorry today was a rough day with her.

I can understand your frustration since I can relate to the rambling long hours thing & then need to be intimate thing. That's exactly how my h does. I really cannot stand it. How can one be intimate when being tortured like that? What a nightmare! 

I also was patient & peace loving person. But h has crossed the limit n times & I had become a person I never wanted to be. But starting from last month, I have learned to detach & felt strong by being calm even when h was dysregulating at 11pm when I could no go out or try validation. I stopped taking his accusations personally. I know it is hard but not impossible to do. 

Hope you also find peace.

[Dynamic]

When she starts in with her accusations, do you defend yourself? Declaring how she is the only one? Do you keep telling her how innocent you are? That you've done nothing wrong and that you won't?

Yes I do.  Unfortunately this never seems to work.  I have said it until I am blue in the face.  I will work on your suugestions

Defending does not work. Have you read about 'JADE'?

[Boot]

Dynamic,
I have read some on JADE.  I understand the principles behind it.  Honestly though I have a hard time employing it when I need to. 

I am very much in love with my wife.  I can honestly say I have never felt this way before.  Thats why I have a hard time when she says things like she is not special to me or I have wanted other women more.  I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. 

[Boot]

Rose Tiger,
I totally agree.  Some days i feel she just trys to set me off.  I do believe if she thought a blue toe would get to me she would bring it up.

There are many days I do feel like an empty shell.  I try so hard to do everything around the house just to keep her from getting upset.   There are days I feel I am becoming OCD with house work just cause she has raged before about the house being messy.

Thanks for the insight on me telling her I miss her.  I never thought of it like that.

[united for now]

Your natural instincts to profess your innocence aren't working.
Yet you keep repeating the same response.


It isn't working and it isn't helping.

Before You can change Your response, you have to believe that change is possible. You have to believe that her demands are unhealthy. Unhealthy for you, cause they cause you pain and unhealthy for her, since she its repeating patterns with no resolution.

You have to believe that you are doing the right thing for the right reason, and be willing to face an increase in bad behavior from her.

If you don't believe, then don't try. Since half hearted attempts make things worse.

[Boot]

United For Now,

You are completely right.  They aren't working.  I do believe that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I am starting to understand that it is I who needs to change first.  I have thought a lot about your post.  This morning I told my wife I have let my frustration and temper get the better of me at times and I am working to change that.

My natural instinct is to defend myself.  I recognize that I need to change that instinct.  I also need to change my need to be right. 

There are days I recognize and respect the fact my wife is mentally ill and to her credit, her problems are not her fault.  However there are days I seem to forget that and I back-slide. 

I do believe I am doing the right thing.  I know I need to learn more and learn to enforce boundaries too.

Thank you for the guidance

[eeyore]

Good discussions.  Another thread I thought would be helpful:

US: Don't pick it up
It takes two to argue. I know at times it seems as though we don't have a choice, but we do. Learning to visualize things can help you recognize patterns much easier. Having the strength to not argue takes practice, but it is possible...
http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106107

[Boot]

eeyore,

Thanks for the thread link.  I have never thought of it like that.  I have always felt like I didn't have a choice.  she continues and escalates until I take the bait.

Who would have ever thought this journey with a BPD is one of self reflection and self discovery. 

[Wheres the Logic]

Hello All,

     My wife was recently diagnosed with BPD and this has obviously shed some new light on the past couple of years. I want to thank you all for posting, especially to this question. I've had my ups and downs when responding to her lashing out. It hasn't been easy as you know and reading your replies has given me much to think about and use. I look forward to learning more and seeing you on here. Take care and have a good one.