How do I not take his words personally?

[Think About It...]

eeyore,

Thanks for the thread link.  I have never thought of it like that.  I have always felt like I didn't have a choice.  she continues and escalates until I take the bait.

Who would have ever thought this journey with a BPD is one of self reflection and self discovery.  

You are not alone in taking the bait. Been there, done it. But never again. Now, by not arguing, I am feeling strong. Self reflection & self discovery has led to lot of surprises. Even after learning about the possibility of h being pwBPD, I thought I don't need a T. But one of the first things I realized was to have my own T. Ironically, the first homework my T gave me, was to observe myself & note down my triggers.

[Dynamic]

eeyore,

Thanks for the thread link.  I have never thought of it like that.  I have always felt like I didn't have a choice.  she continues and escalates until I take the bait.

Who would have ever thought this journey with a BPD is one of self reflection and self discovery.  

You are not alone in taking the bait. Been there, done it. But never again. Now, by not arguing, I am feeling strong. Self reflection & self discovery has led to lot of surprises. Even after learning about the possibility of h being pwBPD, I thought I don't need a T. But one of the first things I realized was to have my own T. Ironically, the first homework my T gave me, was to observe myself & note down my triggers.

[Boot]

Dynamic,
I too really need to examine my triggers.  Unfortunately I currently am unable to access this website from my house so today is my first day back to work.  This past weekend we had a few difficult times.  At some points I did good with JADE at other points I did horribly.  But the hard times were not nearly as long and I credit that to JADE. 

I really need to start focusing on my triggers.

Eeyore,
The guantlet article really helped.  Yesterday she threw it down a few times and I started to pick it up but realized what it was.  Thank you again.

[andywho]

eeyore,

Thanks for the thread link.  I have never thought of it like that.  I have always felt like I didn't have a choice.  she continues and escalates until I take the bait.

Who would have ever thought this journey with a BPD is one of self reflection and self discovery.  

Now, by not arguing, I am feeling strong.

Been trying to do this myself aswell, and try to use what i have learned in here. Problem is that when i now dont argue she consider it that i dont want to discuss "our" problems.

But it has shortened the arguments not taking her bait. But i notice she gets insanly frustrated by this as she dont get it her way.

Andy

[andywho]

When she starts in with her accusations, do you defend yourself? Declaring how she is the only one? Do you keep telling her how innocent you are? That you've done nothing wrong and that you won't?

Yes I do.  Unfortunately this never seems to work.  I have said it until I am blue in the face.  I will work on your suugestions.

~ Step two is to draw a line in how often you will listen to her fears and insecurities, with the goal to be a reduction over time or strict limits on when her jealousies can be discussed (only during dinner, not in bed) or how they can be targeted towards (only jealousies for female friends, not coworkers). 

How do I do this?  I have tried many times before but she continues.  In bed she will just talk and talk and talk.  Even after me telling her several times we need to go to sleep.  But she continues.  She will keep going sometimes for 2-3 hours.  It gets to the point where I end up getting so frustrated I lose it.  Then after she will want to be intimate and it just sends my mind spinning.

I used to be a very peaceful person but this past year I have lost a lot of patience.  I find my fuse is shorter and shorter.  I really want to reclaim that.  Sorry today was a rough day with her.

I feel for you. We rarely have discussions about jealousi, and she dont accuse me for cheating or looking at other girls. But even tho the content of our discussions are different the patterns of the arguments are the same.

Im also a very peaceful and calm person... but lately my fuse has also become shorter and shorter and i get angry much faster. I hate to feel that way since its so little me.

Im trying to learn from these boards.

[Boot]

andywho71,

I hope you can find your answers here.  I am too am trying to learn as fast as I can.  My wife uses the same points that I don't care about here feelings when I try to walk away from our arguments.  I truly understand your frustrations.  It is nice to know I am not alone in all this.

[toomanyeggshells]

I get called nasty, disgusting names too often.  UBPDbf also says things to me like "your kids don't love you, they just use you" and he says mean and nasty things about my family.  He actually told me he thinks my uncle fathered my children  .  He says things so unbelievable they don't even deserve a response. 

I certainly know that these things aren't true.  I also know that he's projecting his feelings on me.  I used to get upset by his nasty words until I learned about projection.  He feels unloved by his kids so he tries to make me feel bad like he does.  He's insanely jealous so he accuses me of crazy things. 

You have to learn not to take it personally and to keep reminding yourself that our SOs are mentally ill.  That doesn't make it ok, its just the way it is.

[lessonslearned]

It's interesting that we don't like to take the devaluation personally, but we don't mind taking the idealization personally. They're both sides of the same coin - it's all distorted.

[Dynamic]

I, for one, do not like both extremes. During the idealization phase, I keep wondering as to how long that stage will last. At that time, my h would be appreciative of me but also go to the extreme of saying that I am the best in fulfilling all my roles including daughter, daughter-in-law, wife, mother, sister, sister-in-law & what not. I cannot enjoy his compliment even though it is the truth since I know he would say the very opposite when he is dysregulating. Being a non who is also level headed, I always maintain my cool always. Before I knew of about h being a possible BPD, I have even asked him to be stable & more balanced no matter what. The pain is devastating for me when I am thrown from a pedestal & pushed into a bottomless hole repeatedly. I would rather to be left 'on' the ground at it is. 'Anything' that is over the limit is not good on the long run.

[Randi Kreger]

Hey Everyone,
Sorry it has been a few days since I have been on.  Thank you all for your words of advice. 

A question, How do you not take the horrible things that are being said to heart?  I try for the longest time not to take it personal but then I find myself getting really frustrated. 

This is normal. I really salute you for how we'll you're doing. My answer is to keep giving yourself credit for all the times you DO do it and reward yourself. Also, make sure you have a valve, someone you can talk to safely (someone in real life?). And most importantly, use humor (only if it's in your own mind) to keep yourself sane. You're doing great!

[andywho]

Hey Everyone,
Sorry it has been a few days since I have been on.  Thank you all for your words of advice. 

A question, How do you not take the horrible things that are being said to heart?  I try for the longest time not to take it personal but then I find myself getting really frustrated. 

This is normal. I really salute you for how we'll you're doing. My answer is to keep giving yourself credit for all the times you DO do it and reward yourself. Also, make sure you have a valve, someone you can talk to safely (someone in real life?). And most importantly, use humor (only if it's in your own mind) to keep yourself sane. You're doing great!

Randi.

Thank you!

After 11 years in this RS, wondering what causes so many of our conflicts and my GF's extreme behaviour... i stumbled upon your website, your book stop walking on eggshells and links to this board and the wonderful people in here.

You have been part of saving my sanity i feel.

Just wanted you to know.

I now understand more, and have gotten so many answers. I still have a long road to go, and i dont know for sure where it will end. But no matter the outcome, i will end up a better, stronger and more insightful person. When regarding myself, BPD and or any kind of relationship.


Andy

[Salut]

Hi boot,

Is there somewhere else you can sleep at night when she can't stop talking?  You might have to walk away from her and go sleep somewhere else.

I had the same types of insecurities as your w in my first couple of r/s's.  I would ask about ex's and then start comparing myself to them and get all caught up in my partner's past.  Beat myself up over it and drug them in too.  I look back on it now and realize how very unfair I was to them.  But at the time I felt desperate for something and it seemed like my partners were the only one that could help me. 

My current H wouldn't go there at all.  He just said he didn't discuss those things because it wasn't necessary in a r/s.  Despite his uBPD he has picked up some healthy mental stuff along the way.  After awhile, i quit caring about his past r/s (our current r/s is hard enough to handle ).  But H did help me see how I was projecting my insecurities onto my partners and how that does not promote a healthy r/s.  And he did that by just not going there and leaving me to work out of my own mental torture.

When she starts the long discussions at night, can you say "hon, I know you are feeling insecure.  I need to make sure I sleep tonight so I am going to go out to the couch.  I will be back tomorrow night.". Let her know this has to be a boundary.  Let her know you care that she feels bad.  Let her know you aren't leaving, but are standing by until she can work it out herself.

[Boot]

Randi,

Thank you so much for the encouraging words.  I greatly appreciate them.  All too often I feel like I hit rock bottom. 

Salut,
Thank you too.  I have tried to sleep elsewhere but she typically follows me to where I am going to sleep.  Then she continues with her ranting. 

Dynamic,
I, like you, try not to get carried away during the idealization period.  I know it will come to an end soon enough.  That is the most frustrating thing.  It is like in the movie the Notebook when the wife remembers her past only to forget it in a few minutes.  I feel very devastated similar to her husband.  I have learned  not to get to used to that period.

[Carmina]

1) I remember that there is a good chance that he won't remember the nasty things he says to me.
2) I remember all of the other times he said the same thing or nearly the same thing and then cycled back to loving behavior later.
3) I remember all of the times I challenged the negative things he says to me, and how it turned into an endless, cyclical argument that went round and round, on and on, from one thing to another with no resolution.  Or with a "non-resolution" -- we arrived at a resolution, but the promise of behavior change was not even remembered later.
4) His current negative "facts" cannot correspond with what he said before or later.  So his "facts" must be flawed.
5) I validate with other close friends -- some of which have lived with us at times, and seen him dysregulated, and who reassure me that I am sane, and he is the one who is off his rocker.  When I have been my lowest, the lowest self esteem of my life, it was because I was expecting emotional validation from him, and getting devalued instead.  I now absolutely do not look for personal validation from uBPDH.
6) Refrain from defending myself.  It tends to bring on more verbal abuse.  For example:

A couple of weeks ago a tiff was starting and I was trying to head it off.  uBPDH said to me, "Has it occured to you that you may the one causing all of the problems here."  I replied: "Yes."  The conversation stopped. 

And, yes, I have contemplated this.  However...the result of that contemplation was always a resounding, NO...I do not start the arguments.  I have striven for years to avoid even the hint of criticism of H, while he at times denigrates me up one side and down the other. 

I'm still figuring out how to walk away from the verbal abuse.  Figured out it was BPD about 3 weeks ago. 

[Salut]

I always have trouble with my uBPDh in the car.  It's like a prison - he can go off and I am basically trapped.

I was telling my T about some anxiety he was having in the car, and she said, "you don't have to subject yourself to that!". She said to say, I understand you are upset, this discussion is not helping us right now, i will talk to you later, but I won't talk about it right now.  (She said it much better than that - confidence, sureness, kindness but with total faith in herself.).

And then, she said, and then be a broken record (just say it over and over until he stops).

I thought there was no way that would work, but I tried it and it really did work.  Her words and confidence were in my head, which helped a lot.  But I always try to remember now when things are dicey--- broken record.

Might be worth a try...

[mssalty]

I grew up in a family where the feeling was that you never let the sun set on your anger.   I'm not saying they were perfect, but it set the stage for the issues I've had with BPD.   Every blow up in my family was followed by apologies and discussions about why we were angry.   There was examination of your own role in the argument and its escalation. 

For me (maybe for others), this made my relationship very difficult.  My natural disposition was to look for my own fault in everything that happened, but also to talk about what hurt me.   When the person who "loves" you keeps telling you why you were wrong and admitting to nothing on their own side (or admitting to things and telling you why they're your fault), it lowers your own sense of self worth and makes it harder to see BPD for what it is.   

It is hard not to defend.   It is hard not to argue.  It's hard because you want to not be attacked.  But also because you want to resolve things and have peace.

But truthfully, not engaging is power.  It's the only real power you have in the situation.   I've literally seen my SO startled when I don't engage.  I've seen them change from anger to sweetness in an instant when they don't understand why I'm not playing the argument game.   And then raging again when the sweetness doesn't lure me back in. 

The thing I tell myself is that my SO, when raging, scared, or angry, has no reality beyond the moment.  And their reality doesn't have to be mine anymore. 

[BelievenHope]

I agree mssalty, not engaging is power. It is something we can decide to do for ourselves. I have also found it diffuses a situation faster. It is true that they may not seem to like it when they seem to be accustomed to fighting. It just doesn't get anyone anywhere. I am also surprised how fast validation can diffuse a situation also. There have been so many times my BPDbf is at the edge of raging and I simply say something like "I can see that you are upset and I understand why, that is not fair" and instantly he says something like "it's ok, I'm fine". He just needed to feel like someone cared about his feelings. Now, I won't say it always works, but it has been very helpful.

[Randi Kreger]

Randi,

Thank you so much for the encouraging words.  I greatly appreciate them.  All too often I feel like I hit rock bottom. 

Salut,
Thank you too.  I have tried to sleep elsewhere but she typically follows me to where I am going to sleep.  Then she continues with her ranting. 

Dynamic,
I, like you, try not to get carried away during the idealization period.  I know it will come to an end soon enough.  That is the most frustrating thing.  It is like in the movie the Notebook when the wife remembers her past only to forget it in a few minutes.  I feel very devastated similar to her husband.  I have learned  not to get to used to that period.

It is extremely important to have a safe place in the home where a person can be undisturbed.

One man I know had a teenage son who wouldn't let his BP mother in his bedroom. The whole family would hide out there when she raged. I wish I had had such a place. My own mother went into my room once and tore down my posters.

[toomanyeggshells]

But truthfully, not engaging is power.  It's the only real power you have in the situation.   

I love that statement ... not engaging is power.  It makes me feel more powerful just saying it to myself. 

[eeyore]

Boot an update please? 

[Boot]

Eeyore,
Sorry for the delay in updating.  I am really trying to stay conscious of my reactions to her words.  Wednesday was really bad.  She was extremely sensitive that day.  She started dysregulating on me because I did not invite her to have lunch with me.  I was working near our house but I was involved in a large operation at work.  I was uncertain of the time or length of lunch I would have.  So I failed to invite her to have lunch with me.  She said a lot of nasty things to me, mainly accusing me of hiding her from my coworkers and wanting to spend the time with another woman (Which wasn't the case at all).

I tried to use SET, the dysregulation seemed to subside.  My wife seemed to relax and everything seemed normal again.  As the evening progressed everything seemed fine.  Then just before bed she made the comment, "You don't like me!"  I really felt the comment came out of left field.  I saw where the conversation was going and I told her I am sorry she felt that way and then I turned and left the room.   I went upstairs and started getting ready for bed.  She got upset that I just left her downstairs.  She came at me making the accusations that I really don't care since I just walked away from her.  In fact I was truly exhausted from a long day at work and I did not want to fight.

She came to bed and started crying.  I wrapped my arms around her and tried to validate her.  Then I tried to go to sleep.  She continued crying and said if I truly cared I would not have shut off the light and I wouldn't be trying to sleep.  I told her I was sorry but I was tired.  She continued to tell me how I am never there for her and that I don't like her and that I don't care. 

I tried to tell her that I am sorry she felt that way but that I did not want to fight and that I wanted to sleep.  She continued on.  I stopped responding, she got up and laid on the floor.  I just left her there.  I have always chased after her and begged her to come back to bed.  But last week I told her I would not do that anymore, I was trying to work on my boundaries.  I figure she is a grown woman and if she wants to sleep elsewhere then so be it.

Well after about an hour she crawled back into bed and started going off on me about how I don't care since I left her on the floor.  Unfortunately after a few hours of that I lost my cool and I yelled at her.  This was about 1 am and I had to be up 5:30.  Unfortunately I made things worse.  We fought until about 2 am.  Prior to me yelling I tried to leave the room but she blocked the door and would not let me out.  I just crawled back into bed.  I did not want to get physical with her. 

About 2 am she just stopped and wanted to be intimate.  I finally got to sleep and I got up at 5:30.  She has been extremely sweet to me since then.

I know I should not have yelled but my patience was gone.  The strange thing is her mood changed as if someone shut off a faucet.

I also knew that day would be a bad day.  I have strong suspicions a lot of her issues are hormonal.  I know the fourth day after she starts her monthly cycle is going to be a horrible day.  I also can predict other days in the month that will be bad.  I believe she also suffers from PMDD.  I have been able to predict these days for the last 4 months.  I have learned her patterns.

Unfortunately I feel like quite an idiot  because I know which days will be bad but I still get sucked in and fall for her negative comments.

A good thing is that I have a good friend I started confiding in.  He and his wife had similar issues after she had a hysterectomy.  It was a nice release for me.  Because other than these website I haven't opened up.