Always on your own?

[Think About It...]

This is something that I guess is minor compared to other issues that have been there in the past, but it really bothers me.

My partner when a was sick a few weeks ago didn't really bother with me a few weeks ago. I was fevered bad and for 2 days was basically taking care of myself.  She went as far to comment when I couldn't stay up late with her one night because I was so sick that she should have gone out with friends "because I was being such a wet blanket"

I guess me having a fever of 102 is being a wet blanket.

Now go 2 weeks into the future when she gets some sort of bug and I am there for her through all of it. I do everything without hesitation, I take care of the house, our kid and her and get her anything she needs.

Does anyone else have this issue with their BPD partner?  It just seems like unless something is directly happening to her than she doesn't really seem to care or sympathize.  It just seems sometimes like it is all give from my side and I find myself getting frustrated.

[gred2012]

This is something that I guess is minor compared to other issues that have been there in the past, but it really bothers me.

My partner when a was sick a few weeks ago didn't really bother with me a few weeks ago. I was fevered bad and for 2 days was basically taking care of myself.  She went as far to comment when I couldn't stay up late with her one night because I was so sick that she should have gone out with friends "because I was being such a wet blanket"

I guess me having a fever of 102 is being a wet blanket.

Now go 2 weeks into the future when she gets some sort of bug and I am there for her through all of it. I do everything without hesitation, I take care of the house, our kid and her and get her anything she needs.

Does anyone else have this issue with their BPD partner?  It just seems like unless something is directly happening to her than she doesn't really seem to care or sympathize.  It just seems sometimes like it is all give from my side and I find myself getting frustrated.

[Steph]

 Yes, this stuff is fairly common and we see it here often.

So, aside from being a nice person, why are you waiting on her now that she isnt feeling well?

Steph

[briefcase]

Like Steph already said, this is a common issue here.  I am sure that because you are taking care of her now that she is sick, you expect her to return the favor some day when you are sick again.  Unfortunately, it tends not to work that way in these relationships.  You need to think about ways to change the dynamic.  You can be more assertive about asking for your needs to be met next time.  You can be a little less catering to her now.  Or something else entirely.  What do you think you can do to change this dynamic?   

[gred2012]

Because i love her and i am committed to taking care of her.  I am not going to do the eye for an eye thing.

[briefcase]

That's fine, but what are you going to do?

[pallavirajsinghani]

Because i love her and i am committed to taking care of her.  I am not going to do the eye for an eye thing.

This is such a nice, laudable emotion.  It appears though, that you do have an ulterior motive.  When you don't get the similar emotion and related action in return from her, then resentment begins to built up.

So there are two options one more subjective and the other more objective...whichever helps you attain peace is the right solution.

1)  Only do as much for her as you can without expecting equal from her. (that is, reduce the extent of what you do for her).

2)  Continue doing as much as you are doing for her now without resentment (change your expectation and your attitude).

Either of the above is within your control and choice.  You do not have any control over her.  You can hope to influence her/inspire her with your behaviour and your choices, but you cannot manipulate her or control her.

Hope you are feeling better now.  Being sick aggravates everything.  Take care.

[Dynamic]

Because i love her and i am committed to taking care of her.  I am not going to do the eye for an eye thing.

gred,
I know it is hard as it is & it becomes worse when we fall sick. I hope you were able to take rest & feeling better now.

It is great that you are committed to her & not going to do the eye for an eye thing. But it is bothering you that you are doing just that. That is why you started this thread. So how are you going to continue not doing the eye for and eye thing but at the same time not get affected by it & allow her to understand your feelings?

[Dynamic]

Because i love her and i am committed to taking care of her.  I am not going to do the eye for an eye thing.

This is such a nice, laudable emotion.  It appears though, that you do have an ulterior motive.  When you don't get the similar emotion and related action in return from her, then resentment begins to built up.

So there are two options one more subjective and the other more objective...whichever helps you attain peace is the right solution.

1)  Only do as much for her as you can without expecting equal from her. (that is, reduce the extent of what you do for her).

2)  Continue doing as much as you are doing for her now without resentment (change your expectation and your attitude).

Either of the above is within your control and choice.  You do not have any control over her.  You can hope to influence her/inspire her with your behaviour and your choices, but you cannot manipulate her or control her.

Hope you are feeling better now.  Being sick aggravates everything.  Take care.

Pallavi,
Those are excellent suggestions. After I realized that is of no use to expect the same care from h when I am sick, I did whatever I could to take care of him when he is sick & not hover over him. I also did it without any expectation & resentment. This helped to just deal with my sickness & preserve my sanity & the little enerygy I had.

[pallavirajsinghani]

This is exactly why you will find this advice repeated often on this site.

Take good care of your emotional, fiscal, physical and mental health.

This is not abandonment of your loved one, nor is it selfishness.  It is just that "caregivers burnout" is a well-documented, clinically recognized phenomenon.  Love does not exhaust a person, it is action beyond one's own limitations and capacities that exhausts and irritates and thus resentment builds up for our loved ones.

They do not cause this resentment and burnout by their expectation as much as we cause it ourselves by not understanding what our own limitations are.

This is what we mean be establishing boundaries.  Boundaries are established by yourself, for yourself and are based upon your own limits of tolerance.

The only way to maintain a good relationship with yourself is to be steadfastly adhere to your boundaries...this way, you won't resent your partners...and this applies to relationships with nons too.

No harm in simplifying life either.  I belong to a culture where there is NO concept of dressing simply.  Everything is gorgeous, the manners are elaborate, the hospitality is over the top...it can be exhausting to a degree...so what do I do?  I serve my dinners in grand elaborate fantastically manner (dishes, candles, linen, silver etc.)...but the food I serve is simple and easy to cook.  The plate on which that food is served, will be elaborate and also I will put roses on top of the food or put a candle in the middle of the salad and spread rosepetals on the table cloth...but the amount of time and energy on the food itself will be less...

So these are the type of choices we have to make.

My elaborate clothes will be the ones that don't need ironing...

Or clothes are very simple, but jewelry and make up are heavier...

So one has to make personal choices that make one's own daily lives and chores simpler.

I found a great way to work around my kitchen...I found that you can set Pandora.com radio to comedy station.  I catch a few jokes while in and out of the kitchen and something or the other gets me laughing.

Key is:  take concrete steps to avoid resentment from building up.

:-)

[yeeter]

Key is:  take concrete steps to avoid resentment from building up.

:-)

Great, great advice.  And entirely within your control

[united for now]

Fantastic advice palla 

[Auspicious]

Because i love her and i am committed to taking care of her.  I am not going to do the eye for an eye thing.

This is such a nice, laudable emotion.  It appears though, that you do have an ulterior motive.  When you don't get the similar emotion and related action in return from her, then resentment begins to built up.

This is the hard part - examining our own motives. Which frequently are not as altruistic as we'd like to think. Or at any rate, are not unmixed.

We usually do expect something in return - some kind of reciprocity. I'm not saying that is wrong, just that we might as well recognize it and deal with reality, not with some idealized picture of reality where our pure selfless emotions get trampled on by the other person.

[gred2012]

I appreciate all of the responses on this.  The feelings I have are not so much resentment, they are more like disappointment.

To me, if she is sick I want to take care of her and help her feel better because I love her, when she just seems annoyed or inconvenienced when I am sick it really just makes me feel like she doesn't care.

I do get what everyone is saying though. I think I just need to lower my expectations and then I won_

[Dynamic]

I appreciate all of the responses on this.  The feelings I have are not so much resentment, they are more like disappointment.

To me, if she is sick I want to take care of her and help her feel better because I love her, when she just seems annoyed or inconvenienced when I am sick it really just makes me feel like she doesn't care.

I do get what everyone is saying though. I think I just need to lower my expectations and then I won_

[united for now]

Be careful staying that "all" people with BPD feel "no" empathy. Many of them do, its just circumstantial.

TheDSM 5.0.0 uses empathy as one of the determining condition to diagnose BPD, with a sliding scale rating the level of impairment.

My Bf cares for me when I'm not feeling well. He shows lots of empathy and concern. He goes out of his way to ensure my comfort.  His empathy on other areas may be less, our if he is upset he may have trouble letting go of his own internal areas to give support to me or others.

"some" pwBPD get anxious if their loved one is ill, since it can trigger fears of abandonment. They may come across as insensitive while you are sick as a result. This is by no means universal though.

Accepting that she can't offer you support while your ill will reduce the reality gap you have, thus reducing your disappointment.

[Auspicious]

Be careful staying that "all" people with BPD feel "no" empathy. Many of them do, its just circumstantial.

I agree.

Empathy is inconsistent and impaired (not always absent) because the person with BPD so often is consumed with their own chaos and pain.

[Validation78]

Hi All!
   If I may put in my 2 cents here, maybe it will help. I used to set myself up with my H and everyone else around me by having expectations that may or may not ever be met. I am working at lowering my expectations, and only doing things for people that make me feel good, whether or not there is appreciation or reciprocation. I have to make it about me, not them. If I feel that I cannot do so, I don't give of myself. I have found it much less stressful to be mindful of the way something makes me feel, and to examine my motivations before I do anything. Also, it seems that I get a lot more back than I ever thought possible. Oddly enough, the paybacks are not always from those to whom I give something. It seems like I am getting reciprocation from others, in unexpected circumstances. Funny how the universe works this way!

Best Wishes,
Val78