I'm dead tired... exhausted

[Think About It...]

She is driving me crazy. I know i havent shared my whole story in here. Havent had the time yet. So im gonna tell a little about the last few months.

I belive my girlfriend for 11 years now might have BPD, of course i cant tell for sure as she hasnt been diagnosed. But she is a two time rape victim and did cut herself before we met. Only a few months after we started our rs i started to notice she have some extreme reactions to even the smallest issues. And already after half a year i begged her to get someone to talk to, else i wouldnt be sure if i could be in the rs.

She then begged me not to ask her if that as all proffesionals she had seen before didnt understand her, i she didnt want to start on medicine again.

So we went on, and the rs has been a rollercoaster ride trough the years. But i clinged to the good times we had, as they where really good.

I had a daughter from an earlier marriage that she most of the time behaved very knitpicking against. So there has been alot of challenge there. But i still stayed in there as i mostly ended up submissing to her when she had her black times. Stupid me.

So... two years ago end we where in a good period, she told me she wanted to get a child with me. I tought it might be good for her to get focus on someting else but herself. So excactly one year ago this day we got a child together. And everything that was bad before became even worse. Especially after my daughter then 13 wanted to come live with us. This was something my gf did not want and made it perfectly clear that she could guarantee what she would do if that happened.

So out of fear i told my daughter no, that led to much crying and sorrow. So i told her that she might move to us after finishing high school. But... it broke my heart to do this. And i told my gf that at a time my daughter was gonna move in somewhere up ahead. And i wanted to give my gf time to adjust to the taught.

Still... the year has been a nightmare. We have been to couple therapy, but that was of no help as my gf is a totally different person at the meetings. There she is resonable and calm, crying about how sad it is that we dont function as a couple and that its all due to not talking about our problems.

Thing for me is that what she sees as our problems seems so far out for me, and everytime we talk its all about her getting her will and ways. If not im the one not listening, not understanding her and willing to admit we have big issues. Yes... we have big issues... i have big issues with her blackness, rage, negativity, and always blaming me for all problems... and of course my daughter. She is also a problem and im not a strict enough parent in my gf eyes.

Everything is wrong it seems.

Well... going closer to today. 4 months she suddenly demanded access to my bank account, wich i denied her as i felt she is showing extremly controlling behaviour and is invading my privacy. Read all my mails, sms and gained access to my facebook account as she is so sure that im hiding something from her... i am not.

She the treatened to move out if our rs didnt get better. She didnt leave but rs was hell for a couple of months until i had enough and told her i was gonna leave her. She the collapsed and promised to do anything to make it work. I the gave us a chance since we had a little baby.

Things the worked fine for a couple of months... until last week when she again demanded access to my account. I again told her no. Two days after that she asked again and told me that she would leave and take our baby with her if she didnt get access. I asked her then how she could threaten me with someting like that. Answer was that she couldnt be in a rs where she couldnt trust her partner. Me not giving her access is fir her equal to me hiding someting. Told her i had to thin about it. She then says she cant understand why i rather let her go then giving her acess.

I have tried so many times that her behavior, rage and overracting hurts me and tears me down. But she never understand that, she belives that everybody else would react like her in the same situation.

So... Today... We have had birthday party for our baby, all family there. She has overheard my daughter tell my cousin that she is gonna apply for a school clise to us after next school year. After the party she confronts me with this and ask where my daughter is supposed to live then. I the answer her that she knows i wont deny my daughter living with us. She the again threatens with leaving and take our baby with her.

She follows up with saying she cant have my daughter there as long as our rs is as it is now. But our rs wont change as long as she behaves like she does.

Now i just drove my daughter to babysit... sitting in my car alone writing this now. Dont feel like going home at all... becaurse she will want to discuss this and our discussions are killing me. Only solution for me most of the time is to leave the duscussion. Our arguments usually send me into twilight zone..., total mind~.

Thing is now... i want her to leave. More than anything. I wanna enjoy my life, not walk on eggshells all the time. But i know she wont leave... if i tell her to just leave she will attack me for that aswell.

Im scared... she scares me. And im dead tired... Exhausted.

Talk to me anyone in here... think i need you.

Andywho

[andywho]

She is driving me crazy. I know i havent shared my whole story in here. Havent had the time yet. So im gonna tell a little about the last few months.

I belive my girlfriend for 11 years now might have BPD, of course i cant tell for sure as she hasnt been diagnosed. But she is a two time rape victim and did cut herself before we met. Only a few months after we started our rs i started to notice she have some extreme reactions to even the smallest issues. And already after half a year i begged her to get someone to talk to, else i wouldnt be sure if i could be in the rs.

She then begged me not to ask her if that as all proffesionals she had seen before didnt understand her, i she didnt want to start on medicine again.

So we went on, and the rs has been a rollercoaster ride trough the years. But i clinged to the good times we had, as they where really good.

I had a daughter from an earlier marriage that she most of the time behaved very knitpicking against. So there has been alot of challenge there. But i still stayed in there as i mostly ended up submissing to her when she had her black times. Stupid me.

So... two years ago end we where in a good period, she told me she wanted to get a child with me. I tought it might be good for her to get focus on someting else but herself. So excactly one year ago this day we got a child together. And everything that was bad before became even worse. Especially after my daughter then 13 wanted to come live with us. This was something my gf did not want and made it perfectly clear that she could guarantee what she would do if that happened.

So out of fear i told my daughter no, that led to much crying and sorrow. So i told her that she might move to us after finishing high school. But... it broke my heart to do this. And i told my gf that at a time my daughter was gonna move in somewhere up ahead. And i wanted to give my gf time to adjust to the taught.

Still... the year has been a nightmare. We have been to couple therapy, but that was of no help as my gf is a totally different person at the meetings. There she is resonable and calm, crying about how sad it is that we dont function as a couple and that its all due to not talking about our problems.

Thing for me is that what she sees as our problems seems so far out for me, and everytime we talk its all about her getting her will and ways. If not im the one not listening, not understanding her and willing to admit we have big issues. Yes... we have big issues... i have big issues with her blackness, rage, negativity, and always blaming me for all problems... and of course my daughter. She is also a problem and im not a strict enough parent in my gf eyes.

Everything is wrong it seems.

Well... going closer to today. 4 months she suddenly demanded access to my bank account, wich i denied her as i felt she is showing extremly controlling behaviour and is invading my privacy. Read all my mails, sms and gained access to my facebook account as she is so sure that im hiding something from her... i am not.

She the treatened to move out if our rs didnt get better. She didnt leave but rs was hell for a couple of months until i had enough and told her i was gonna leave her. She the collapsed and promised to do anything to make it work. I the gave us a chance since we had a little baby.

Things the worked fine for a couple of months... until last week when she again demanded access to my account. I again told her no. Two days after that she asked again and told me that she would leave and take our baby with her if she didnt get access. I asked her then how she could threaten me with someting like that. Answer was that she couldnt be in a rs where she couldnt trust her partner. Me not giving her access is fir her equal to me hiding someting. Told her i had to thin about it. She then says she cant understand why i rather let her go then giving her acess.

I have tried so many times that her behavior, rage and overracting hurts me and tears me down. But she never understand that, she belives that everybody else would react like her in the same situation.

So... Today... We have had birthday party for our baby, all family there. She has overheard my daughter tell my cousin that she is gonna apply for a school clise to us after next school year. After the party she confronts me with this and ask where my daughter is supposed to live then. I the answer her that she knows i wont deny my daughter living with us. She the again threatens with leaving and take our baby with her.

She follows up with saying she cant have my daughter there as long as our rs is as it is now. But our rs wont change as long as she behaves like she does.

Now i just drove my daughter to babysit... sitting in my car alone writing this now. Dont feel like going home at all... becaurse she will want to discuss this and our discussions are killing me. Only solution for me most of the time is to leave the duscussion. Our arguments usually send me into twilight zone..., total mind~.

Thing is now... i want her to leave. More than anything. I wanna enjoy my life, not walk on eggshells all the time. But i know she wont leave... if i tell her to just leave she will attack me for that aswell.

Im scared... she scares me. And im dead tired... Exhausted.

Talk to me anyone in here... think i need you.

Andywho

[andywho]

Sorry for wall of txt...

[catnap]

Andy,

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  It is NOT your fault. 

She, and you realize it, is trying to gain total control of you.  My son was in a very similar situation with his gf and their baby daughter.  She would get enraged when she could not look through his cell phone history. She also threatened to take their daughter away.  He also was very frightened of her.

[andywho]

Andy,

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  It is NOT your fault. 

She, and you realize it, is trying to gain total control of you.  My son was in a very similar situation with his gf and their baby daughter.  She would get enraged when she could not look through his cell phone history. She also threatened to take their daughter away.  He also was very frightened of her.

Thank you for your sympathy. Means alot to me. Dont have many to talk to about this as probably no one would belive me. She has a very perfect image outwards to other people. So its hard.

What did your son end up doing?

[catnap]

Finding a good family law attorney and winning custody of his daughter.  He also had to hire a PI to gather evidence of her bad behavior (drugs, etc).  Even without all that, he as the father was entitled to 50/50 custody in the state we live in.  His ex had been telling him, since they were not married, he had no legal right to his daughter, and his rights were what she told him they were.  He was able also to evict her from their apt because the lease was in his name only. 

By the time he was able to serve her with custody hearing papers and he also had a TRO (temporary restraining order in his daughter's name) he was a wreck. . .stomach always felt upset (had lost quite a bit of weight), nervous tics he could not control, odd rashes, etc.  All these symptoms cleared up within the following weeks he no longer had to be in contact with his exgf. 

If you are feeling that there is nothing in the relationship to salvage, please think about consulting an attorney (some will do short consultations for free) to see what you can do about your situation. 

Has she given you a reason (not that any reason would be right) to have access to your bank account?

[catnap]

They can present a very good superficial persona to the outside world.  They generally act against those closest to them.   

I think they very much fear what their significant other will say to others about them, so they try and isolate that person from family and friends.  Someone to give them a real perspective about the way they are being treated. 

Is ex started accusing him of cheating on her when he was 5 minutes late coming home from work, going through his wallet when he was in the shower (stealing money), going through his car, always finding ways to belittle him, etc. 

Is your gf open to getting any therapy or help for herself?

[RFaith]

Andy,
Your story touched me.  You've written some of the feelings and reactions I have felt and suffered through. 

BPD's do indeed present a wonderful image to the outside world. And that isolates their partners even more.  no one can truly believe how hateful they can act.  How black their moods can be. How demeaning and demanding they can be.

I hope you find help and strength to get through this and take care of yourself and your children.

What Catnap said is so true in my case, that BPD's very much fear what we may say about them to others. Mine used to grill me after every phone conversation with my mom or sister, trying to determine if i had said anything that might reflect badly on her. (I was so happy that she showed an interest in my life/family that i was slow to catch on to the fact that she really was just trying to determine if i had talked badly about her.)

Andy, read others' posts and continue to post your story, read the articles, videos and 'workshops' on this website; doing those things is certainly is helping me.

With care and concern,
rfaith

[andywho]

Finding a good family law attorney and winning custody of his daughter.  He also had to hire a PI to gather evidence of her bad behavior (drugs, etc).  Even without all that, he as the father was entitled to 50/50 custody in the state we live in.  His ex had been telling him, since they were not married, he had no legal right to his daughter, and his rights were what she told him they were.  He was able also to evict her from their apt because the lease was in his name only.  

By the time he was able to serve her with custody hearing papers and he also had a TRO (temporary restraining order in his daughter's name) he was a wreck. . .stomach always felt upset (had lost quite a bit of weight), nervous tics he could not control, odd rashes, etc.  All these symptoms cleared up within the following weeks he no longer had to be in contact with his exgf.  

If you are feeling that there is nothing in the relationship to salvage, please think about consulting an attorney (some will do short consultations for free) to see what you can do about your situation.  

Has she given you a reason (not that any reason would be right) to have access to your bank account?

Hello again.

Well... no reason for me to get a PI as she dont use drugs or do anything that she shouldnt. As i mentioned earlier she is perfect outwards. Doing great at work, she is a topscorer on her soccerteam. Have learned now that she might be whats called a high functional one.

My problem is the impact she has on my life, wellbeing and the fact that the only times i relaxed is when she is not around or when we are together with other people.

Bank account... yes she has several reasons. One reason is that i messed up moneywise nine years ago, but thats history and haven been a problem since. Now its me thats the strict one on moneyspending.

Other reason is that i have had access to her account since back when i made a mess economically (spent all my money paying my big debt). So i mostly got a get a card for her account so i could do the daily shopping (she hates to shop grocerys). But after i payed my debts i only use her card and access her account when she asks me too. Have told her that she can remove my access to her account, as i dont really feel a need for it.

As a compromise i suggested that we got a joint account that both have access too and that we both transfer money there each month to pay bills, loans and household money. Whats left on each of us accounts is our "pocketmoney". She didnt want this either... she only want access to my account.

And as mentioned earlier she threatens to leave me if she dont get access (not very clever to threaten me as its only a couple of months since i wanted to leave her). I dont  care if she leaves me.. but i feel i owe to my one year old son to try and make it work.

Reason i dont want to give her access is that she keeps meddling and commenting every little thing i and my daughter do in our lifes. If im a little late for work she comments, if i go early for work she comments. If i talk to or visit family or friends she is always asking what we talked about... if we did we talk about her or if i talked about our rs issues.

She comments on what i wear of clothes... what shoes. If i dont wear my clothes as she suggested she comments that and wonder why. For god sake.. im a 40 year old man. I dont need her to comment and meddle with everything i do.

If she is going out with friends, her job, soccer team im always happy for her and wish her a good time and stay home with our kid. I myself have now noticed that i for several years now often say no to participate in social activities as she never just says "that will be fun for you, have a good time". She always comment... if im going out with work or friends its alway buts, what if, can we afford it, i hoped we could spend the evening together or she finds out we have so much to do the day after that i should rather stay home. If i do go out she makes a big number of getting up really early the day after and start to do alot of housework an when i wake up later she takes the martyr role since she had to do it all alone. *sigh*

I mentioned how i didnt want to go home last night... but of course i had to. And expected there would be an argument. But no... she gave me heart chocolate, wanted to cuddle and watch one of my fave tv shows in my arms. So we did... but it drives me crazy. I love her i think... its good to have her in my arms. But its hard to give of myself as i know the good time wont last anyway. And i know within myself that i want to leave her.

Today she started to talk about future stuff... changes in the kindergarten next year and sveral other things that are in up to a one year perspective. Yesterday she threatend to leave me if my daugther moved in with us. Im all WTH? Why dont you just leave and let me be alone.

Also noticed now when i logged on to the forums that she have used my pc. No problem with that... nothing to hide here. But she got interrupted by soccerteammate that she had to go pick uf before a match. and she havent closed the browser. She was on a page about couple therapy (?), we are already in couple therapy. But in my opinion that will never solve our problem, and i find it hard to tell the psych there about how she really behaves. But the psych have told me once i was early that she had problems putting a finger on what was the real problem with us. None of her metods for couple therapy seemed to work. (How weird i think... not).

She also was on a page with avaiable jobs in her hometown. She is not from here.

She has not been seeing any professional help as she sees no fault on her... it our RS thats the problem. Us not communicating good enough is the problem. Me not listening to her is the problem. Me not understanding her and what she says is the problem. Her not getting access to my account is the problem. My daughter is the problem. *sigh*

Many many many times i have to go in myself as i feel im the really problem. Is she right i think? Am i the crazy one, but just not seeing it? But i have my values... and when i really start to doubt myself i return to those values, think about my values and find out they cant be that wrong. I must be allowed to stick to my values... set my own boundaries on how i will accept or not accept to be threated. No one should be allowed to force upon others that break those boundaries... those values.

Do towards others what you want them to do to you... its hard to follow that at times. But i always stribe for it.

I fint it hard hold on to what i belive in... always fighting the doubt she set upon me. Sorry if my english isnt always good... im from scandinavia.

Another wall of text from me... but i have so many toughts and feelings.

[andywho]

Andy,
Your story touched me.  You've written some of the feelings and reactions I have felt and suffered through.  

BPD's do indeed present a wonderful image to the outside world. And that isolates their partners even more.  no one can truly believe how hateful they can act.  How black their moods can be. How demeaning and demanding they can be.

I hope you find help and strength to get through this and take care of yourself and your children.

What Catnap said is so true in my case, that BPD's very much fear what we may say about them to others. Mine used to grill me after every phone conversation with my mom or sister, trying to determine if i had said anything that might reflect badly on her. (I was so happy that she showed an interest in my life/family that i was slow to catch on to the fact that she really was just trying to determine if i had talked badly about her.)

Andy, read others' posts and continue to post your story, read the articles, videos and 'workshops' on this website; doing those things is certainly is helping me.

With care and concern,
rfaith

Hello rfaith, and thank you for your concern and for sharing your experience with me. It means alot to me, and these boards also start to mean alot for me. So many years used on something i dont understand... wish i found these forums before. But as i mentioned earlier and in my response to catnap... one start to doubt oneself and actually belive oneself is the problem.

So so wish i knew before what i know now. Guess i would have pulled out of the rs long time ago... and as the rs has been the last year... puh. I would never been it if it wasnt for our little baby. She has a tremendeous power over me there. As i guess i will feel guilt from yet again ending up with a kid with seperated parents. Feel like such a failure.

Still... im gonna read these boards frompage to page... watch the videos.. everything. I need to learn and make my self stronger for whats to come. Have to round it off now as i have big problems keeping my tears away while answering you guys/girls.

Again ... thank you for your concern and sympathy.

Me

[andywho]

Got this SMS from my GF this moring while at work:

"Have you tought anymore about giving me access to your bank account? You said you wont relate to me when i act that way that you dont like. Well... that one is on you. I always relate to you and your opinions. One should be seen, heard, respected og loved by the person you live with."


And now i feel bad... how does she do this every time? Suddenly so reasonable but with no ability to see that she herself dont threat me the way she want to be threated.

[andywho]

My stomach hurts from all of this... and honestly i dont know what to say to her. I feel sick.

[ellil]

Andy, your stomach wouldn't feel sick about this bank account thing if you knew it was a reasonable request. Seriously, do not give her access to your account. Not now at least.

You are on the Undecided board. I post as a member here on the Leaving board, and I gotta tell you I don't see much good in any of your posts for making this r/s work. She is NOT in therapy and she sees NOTHING wrong.

Your 13 year old is being impacted by your relationship, and you are heartbroken over the suffering of your older child. I'm not even going to begin to touch on the damage that is awaiting for the younger child if you don't get custody.

Do you honestly think that there's anything you can do to improve this particular r/s enough to not do hefty damage to the young child and continued damage to the older child?

I think this sounds harsh. For me, I don't see any way short of very long-term therapy for your girlfriend in helping the situation. The communication tools can possibly reduce some of the raging incidents, but nothing is going to change the fact that you, and your two children are significantly impacted by this relationship.

Would you consider somehow a separation and cooling off period? Also, and maybe I missed this in your posts, but how about therapy for you and your older child?

M

[andywho]

Thank you ellil for your response to my message. I so appreciate all those of you who responds to me in this thread. Your inputs are important to me as they somewhat keep me on the sane side. Getting so many doubts in myself lately, weirdly enough more after i started in a bigger degreee to stand up for myself.

About my younger child.. she seems like a wonderful mother to the one year old that we have together. Its almost like she worships him... i find it a bit too much at times... but hey.. one cant give too much love to our children. But what you say there did worry me tho. Should i be worried. What do we know about BPD parents?

I have been looking into the communication tools and tried to use them... but its exhausting and i get the feeling that why should I use so much of mye lifestrength to make her feel better. Maybe somewhat selfish of me to think like that... but i guess i just had enough. Spent 11 years trying to please her.


I have considered therapy for myself... just to keep sane and strong. My older daughter... hmmm... my GF rarely direct her negativity directly at her. Its usually i that get it. Obviously im not a very good or strict enough father to her.


But my GF has very strong opinions on how a child should be raised, how they are supposed to behave, what to do to make them ace at school. My GF has all the answers it seems.

I really dont know how much more i have to give in this RS... feel pretty empty. Why dont she just leave when she threatens to do it... would be easier for me.

Andy

[ellil]

Andy, there is an article here, How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children. We also have a Coping with Relatives board where you can clearly see the effects a borderline parent has on his/her children. This should be a main concern of yours, so you're wise about that.

Therapy for your older child? She has been observing your relationship nearly her entire life. She is not allowed to live with you because of a girlfriend. And 13 is one of the hardest ages for girls. I have a 14 year old, and there is enough difficulties in their life when the situations are normal, let alone a BPD being in it.

You're waiting for her to leave? You state you are empty from giving all of yourself to this relationship. That's pretty good insight Andy. And if you're empty, what else do you have left for yourself and your two children? Is this something you think you could talk to a therapist about and your daughter let your daughter speak to one too? Would you be willing to seriously consider this today?

Maybe a therapist could help you more in the immediate time frame in reducing the issues with the r/s, enough for you to get your thoughts and emotions together?

M

[andywho]

Andy, there is an article here, How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children. We also have a Coping with Relatives board where you can clearly see the effects a borderline parent has on his/her children. This should be a main concern of yours, so you're wise about that.

Therapy for your older child? She has been observing your relationship nearly her entire life. She is not allowed to live with you because of a girlfriend. And 13 is one of the hardest ages for girls. I have a 14 year old, and there is enough difficulties in their life when the situations are normal, let alone a BPD being in it.

You're waiting for her to leave? You state you are empty from giving all of yourself to this relationship. That's pretty good insight Andy. And if you're empty, what else do you have left for yourself and your two children? Is this something you think you could talk to a therapist about and your daughter let your daughter speak to one too? Would you be willing to seriously consider this today?

Maybe a therapist could help you more in the immediate time frame in reducing the issues with the r/s, enough for you to get your thoughts and emotions together?

M

That was some complex and disturbing reading.. hmmm! As my head wasnt spinning enough. There was some recognisable behaviour in there tho. Especially on the controlling part and the part where seeing the child as all bad or all good.

One of the biggest issues me and my GF has when it comes to my older daughter is that she have the opinion that im not strict enough and dont have 100% control on what my daughter is doing and with whom at all times. If my daughter is late cause she missed a bus, my GF belive its a planned action from my daughter and i fall for the lie.

My daughter is also not doing to good at school... this of course is also my exwife and mine fault. If we just pushed her harder and she was not so lazy she would be doing well at school. No greyzones there.. thats just what my GF has decided is correct. She is not able to see that a kid struggling at school is way more complex.

Her really big problems at school seems to me (i might be wrong) after i told her no to move in with me. And when she has done something really stupid at school and i talk to her about it and she gets angry... she pops the question.. Why cant i live with you? Have happened on several occasions. Makes a man think... and does certanly not strenghten my feelings for my GF.

And yes.. i have noticed that its a tough age for my daughter and i see that she need me more now, but in different ways then before. And i wanna be there for her. But i dont wont my GF to meddle in. Maybe its harsh of me to not share more of my daughters life with my GF... but i dont feel like my daughters feelings are safe to share with my GF.

My daughter never say anything bad about my GF. She doesnt know my GF is the reason she cant move in with us now. I have always shielded her as much as i can, and she have never experienced my GF in the really black mood.

But i have to admit... its rare my GF says anything positive about my daughter. Usually when my daugther had her daddy weekend my GF complained to me about how my daughter spent so much time on Facebook, watching tv and playing tv games. (Need to mention my daughter dont have many friends where i live as her mother lives an hour away.. and that where here friends are. So she stayed in touch with them on facebook).

Now that my daughter is older and can get on the bus alone and travel to be with her friends instead of sitting here on facebook and watch tv. That seem to be somewhat wrong aswell. So... i guess nothing my daughter ever do will be good enough. Even tho my daughter is a teengirl with all their hormones/emotions i feel she have a better morale and respect for others then my GF have. I have some real good times when im alone with my daughter or even spend time with her and her funny friends

My GF is of course not so happy when my daughter have visit from our friends.

And im rambling away... but i feel like venting.

Maybe i could use this board as a kind of day to day notebook.

Today when i came home my GF seemed all so sad... and commented after 15 minutes why i didnt greet her as i usually do when i come home. So i gave her a kiss on the cheek and didnt comment. So we ate dinner in silence as i reaaly dont feel like talking about the stuff she want to talk about. Access to my account etc etc. Little while she went for soccer practise and i gave her a kiss on the way out... she smiled and lightened up alot.

Is she really just afraid im gonna leave her? Even tho she have thretend to leave me twice the last week.
And why do i feel bad for being angry at her? Why do i feel like i am the one beeing mean to her? Just two days ago since she threatened to leave me if my daughter moved in. Dont she see that im allowed to be sad? Angry?

Whats wrong with her? Dont she see anything of the bad things she do? Dont she see that by pushing and pushing me on the things i dont want to give her... she drives me away?

I have read so much about BPD... i understand alot. But still... i dont understand her. I dont understand that its possible with so little self insight.

If i decide to leave her and she ask why... i will have problems answering her why. Cause she wouldnt understand anyway.


And yes my friend... i would be willing to start in therapy. But even more hell would break loose if i did. Sadly... and scary that i actually wrote that.

[andywho]

Found this on the leaving boards... sounds alot like my GF.

"Higher Functioning Invisible BPs

1.   They strongly disavow having any problems, even tiny ones. Relationship difficulties, they say, are everyone else_

[azmomm2]

About my younger child.. she seems like a wonderful mother to the one year old that we have together. Its almost like she worships him... i find it a bit too much at times...

This is normal until a child starts showing independence and making choices the BPD parent disagrees with. Then she will be dysregulating and yelling at your son same as she does at you. Right now, he's a little extension of her, so he's very easy for her to love.

"Have you tought anymore about giving me access to your bank account? You said you wont relate to me when i act that way that you dont like. Well... that one is on you. I always relate to you and your opinions. One should be seen, heard, respected og loved by the person you live with."

She's not respecting YOU by trusting you. She's insisting on access to something she has no need to access. The only reason she wants to access it is to be able to keep tabs on what you are doing, which shows the very lack of respect she is talking about.

[andywho]

About my younger child.. she seems like a wonderful mother to the one year old that we have together. Its almost like she worships him... i find it a bit too much at times...

This is normal until a child starts showing independence and making choices the BPD parent disagrees with. Then she will be dysregulating and yelling at your son same as she does at you. Right now, he's a little extension of her, so he's very easy for her to love.

"Have you tought anymore about giving me access to your bank account? You said you wont relate to me when i act that way that you dont like. Well... that one is on you. I always relate to you and your opinions. One should be seen, heard, respected og loved by the person you live with."

She's not respecting YOU by trusting you. She's insisting on access to something she has no need to access. The only reason she wants to access it is to be able to keep tabs on what you are doing, which shows the very lack of respect she is talking about.

Thats scary... have to mention tho that my GF isnt diagnosed and i always have in mind that i could be wrong about her. But there is too many sign on BPD that i find it hard not to belive she has some kind of disorder.

On the respect part... i have been trying to tell her exactly what you say here. But it wont go trough. One of the reasons she use to have access to my account is that she consider me a lier. ( i smoked cigarettes behind her back... due to the stress she has been inflictiing on me.) So in her yes.. if i lie about that she consider me a lier.. on all areas. She dont seem to have the ability to difference the action. Smoking behind her back made my days a living hell and she used it against me for all it was worth. She still bring it up when we fight or discuss.

*sigh*

[andywho]

Small update on yesterday.

She seems all so sad now... silent. She asked me after i got back from work yesterday why i didnt greet her as i always do... with a hug and kiss.

I realy dont feel like hugging or kissing her as its just been a couple of days since she threatened to leave if i let my 14 year old daughter move in with us before we had resolved our RS problems.

I really dont feel like talking much with her either... it actually scares me to talk with her. Im not strong enough now and i cant guarantee my own reactions as i feel anger lurking within me. Not that im afraid of doing something to her... more afraid that im not gonna be able to be calm and resonable. I hate when im not able to stay calm... and she is one of few persons that make me yell as i get so frustrated by her.

So.. its obvious that she sees me as the one acting weird. Guess ill just have to live with that.

Its hard.

[andywho]

Sitting her and thinking 11 years back when i met my GF. She was at that time in a gay relationship, that she left to be with me.

I remember now stuff that she told me about her GF back then. She told me that her GF had big issues with herself, so big that my GF couldnt be in that RS. It was also in that RS that my GF cut herself. She always blamed the GF for that.

I also recall some mail correspondence between them that she read to me. Her former GF was always short in the mail and wished my girlfriend the best for the future. The xGF also mentioned in the mails that that she was doing good now and enjoyed her life. She also told my GF that they should stop the contact after after the practical things where done.

I didnt understand what was happening at that time... but from reading the "Leaving" boards now it all seems very clear too me. Her xGF was trying to go NC.

My GF always told me that her xGF was totally messed up an full of issues. At a couple of ocations we have been at the same location as her ex... but my GF avoids contact. Especially if im there.

This starts to make me wonder who messed up that RS.