The cycle will not end. Suggestions?

[Think About It...]

I have recognized that my husband has BPD for about two or three years. He fits the description in every way, minus the self harming. He's a wonderful man, husband and father, until he "turns" on me - I guess that's the best way to describe it. The typical black/white scenario. I'm the most wonderful woman and wife in the world, then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, something makes him mad and lists every single thing I've ever done (regardless of the fact that we have put it in the past), makes up stories that never happened, things he hates that I do now, and areas he wants me to improve, etc. Probably the most frustrating thing is the made up stories and inflating the truth so much that it's ridiculous. He gets so angry about past things that he will scream while he's talking about them. He does this about every 3 months. He is not at all physically abusive, btw.

When he comes out of this, he's apologetic, says he didn't mean things that he says, he was angry, etc. Sometimes it's a day, sometimes a couple of days.

So, my question is, when this happens and he's still in this state of mind, how do I diffuse/make the situation better? I don't like the idea of validating things that he has made up in his own mind. These are things that he has acknowledged in the past had nothing to do with me. He's also expressing feelings about a certain situation that I never knew (and very irrational feelings btw), that we hashed out for months with a therapist and put to rest years ago.  If I validate that I did something wrong then, I feel like I'm teaching him that I'm his punching bag.

When he's "real", he's an extremely intelligent, caring and a devoted husband. He has had these episodes periodically (probably every two months or so) almost our entire marriage, and it blindsides me when it happens. He literally shreds me to pieces emotionally and makes me feel like he hates me and is so resentful of our entire marriage.

[patricianyc]

I have recognized that my husband has BPD for about two or three years. He fits the description in every way, minus the self harming. He's a wonderful man, husband and father, until he "turns" on me - I guess that's the best way to describe it. The typical black/white scenario. I'm the most wonderful woman and wife in the world, then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, something makes him mad and lists every single thing I've ever done (regardless of the fact that we have put it in the past), makes up stories that never happened, things he hates that I do now, and areas he wants me to improve, etc. Probably the most frustrating thing is the made up stories and inflating the truth so much that it's ridiculous. He gets so angry about past things that he will scream while he's talking about them. He does this about every 3 months. He is not at all physically abusive, btw.

When he comes out of this, he's apologetic, says he didn't mean things that he says, he was angry, etc. Sometimes it's a day, sometimes a couple of days.

So, my question is, when this happens and he's still in this state of mind, how do I diffuse/make the situation better? I don't like the idea of validating things that he has made up in his own mind. These are things that he has acknowledged in the past had nothing to do with me. He's also expressing feelings about a certain situation that I never knew (and very irrational feelings btw), that we hashed out for months with a therapist and put to rest years ago.  If I validate that I did something wrong then, I feel like I'm teaching him that I'm his punching bag.

When he's "real", he's an extremely intelligent, caring and a devoted husband. He has had these episodes periodically (probably every two months or so) almost our entire marriage, and it blindsides me when it happens. He literally shreds me to pieces emotionally and makes me feel like he hates me and is so resentful of our entire marriage.

[Steph]

 This sounds more like bipolar in a way, or something else...2-3 months between rages doesnt really seem like BPD...

  have you read the Lessons yet?


Steph

[patricianyc]

I have, and plan on using the techniques. I probably should have been more clear; his big episodes are every couple of months, but he is definitely a black/white thinker most of the time. Example: we hired a nanny and he absolutely loved her, trusted her (as did I), one day she showed up 10 minutes late and that was it - she's the most distrustful human on the face of the earth and he fired her. The next day he called her back, apologizing, asking her to come back. It's absolutely exhausting. I will watch him do things like this knowing that he will be apologizing later, it's gone on for years.

[isilme]

A person can have both bi-polar and BPD, or one can easily mimic the other.  Either way, it's hard to live with at times.

then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, something makes him mad and lists every single thing I've ever done (regardless of the fact that we have put it in the past), makes up stories that never happened, things he hates that I do now, and areas he wants me to improve, etc.

Yes, I have experienced this.  I have learned over the past year that for my BF, there is no, "put it in the past".  If he remembers it, he feels it the same as when it happened.  There is no healing, there is no distance to help dim emotions.  So when he is mad at me, ALL things I have ever done or been perceived to do, or even that he has thought I 'might' do, all roll into one big snowball.  Things from 16 years ago come up like it was yesterday, and his 'solution' is for me not to have done them.  ? 

So you can see it's not rational thinking. 

A lot of pwBPD seem kinda cyclic in how their rages come and go - my mom has her major freak outs every fall.  My BF has them whenever he feels stressed, and often at certain times of year which coincide with family events. 

Can you see other than the amount of time between rages, what other things might be going on?  BF has a large correlation between his rages and his blood sugar levels (I think he is pre-diabetic, but can't get him to a DR).  I know diabetics can become irrational during large swings in blood sugar, and so it makes sense to me that he rages more before meals.  What about your H?  Is there a work project that crops up regularly?  A social event?  Family issues?  Looking for exterior correlation sometimes helps you remember to be MORE validating, and/or ready to take breaks (when I feel it's rocky I am trying to keep my keys on me, and even my phone).

And yes, the cycle can and will continue to some extent.  His BPD -or- bi-polar, whatever the cause, will not go away even if you become the best possible validator in the world.  There will just be times when the tea pot blows, unless he gets into specialized T.  This is a sad, sometimes disheartening truth about BPD and mental illness - if you stay, you are accepting to an extent that you WILL have a ranting person to deal with at times.  All you can do by then is minimize the damage done to yourself and kids in those cases. 

[patricianyc]

Thanks so much for your responses.

Isilme - I'm not surprised by your opinion about this. We are beating our heads against a wall. The only thing physically he suffers from is low thyroid and I have to STAY on him as far taking his synthroid. He will take it, but I have to make sure he gets it refilled, etc. I cannot think of any specific triggers other than things that make him feel shamed - that usually will do it. It will trigger him, or he will get very sad and want to apologize and be remorseful and apologize over and over. It's one extreme or the other. He refuses to go back to marriage counseling because once it got to the point that our therapist was telling him this type of behavior was destructive, he walked out. He refuses to go back. I have told him that hurt me and I counted on him going; his opinion is that our therapist was only "to protect you and attack me". So, I don't even bring it up. I don't have the energy anymore. I'm tired of fighting.

[patricianyc]

Oh, and by the way my mother is bipolar, diagnosed 13 years ago. I love her dearly, and I do placade her at times when I know it's pointless to argue. Not sure why it's so much harder with my husband. Sometimes it does get so draining, so exhausting dealing with both of them especially if they are both in their "moods".