Potential New Relationship After BPD & NPD Ex.

[Think About It...]

I'm going through similar things right now JP. You are not alone.
Trying really hard to breathe and be open to new possiblities with a seemingly healthy, genuine person.
*Sigh*...will we ever be free?

((JP))

CiF

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm going through similar things right now JP. You are not alone.
Trying really hard to breathe and be open to new possiblities with a seemingly healthy, genuine person.
*Sigh*...will we ever be free?

((JP))

CiF

[jessicapuppy]

It's horrible 

I'm sure that we will get past this, and be happy once again. 

 

[ellil]

I don't think you're overreacting with your concerns, at all as a matter of fact. And I'm not really prone to imagining problems with people and I don't see BPD everywhere.

As far as mentioning the wife--why still only separated? And really, why did he bring it up? I did discover when my exBPD brought up something that he really didn't have to, there was a reason and I always became suspicious, and my suspicions were never unfounded.

Just keep your antennae up, have fun but don't ignore any flags. If you're interested in him, take your time, post your concerns (or just post and keep us in the loop because we're interested, ). The great thing about dating is you get to have fun, you get to meet someone new, and if it works out, you get to be in a relationship--no decisions are required, especially in the early days!

 

M

[jessicapuppy]

Yes, and I need to remember that, because this guy had me almost feeling obliged!  xx

[ibelieveinus]

Keep posting we seem to have a similar situation here. I'd live to pm or at least hear how all this turns out for you.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.

[jessicapuppy]

Well...I haven't met with this new guy I've been posting about, yet, but I did end up sleeping with my (male) good friend!

Not perhaps ideal, I thought about my exBPD/NPD bf initially and even shed a tear, as all of the guilt went through my mind, as if I were still together with him and this would be cheating.

Then, I decided that I had to push him out of my mind.  It's been almost 6 months!   I needed comfort, and we'd both had a drink.  So, the rest is obvious.

I feel as if this has helped me move on a little!  Why should I be hanging around for this man who discarded me?  I feel stronger, somehow.

I think I may have another little problem, though!  I think the friend I slept with, may be secretly holding a torch for me    I had thought it was no strings...oops!

JP
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[Mystic]

I tend to think no strings is pretty rare, JP.  Generally someone in the tango has more going on their mind than a casual roll. 

As for the new guy, "still married" would have been the dealbreaker for me.  Well at least the dealbreaker leading to the  "how 'bout you call me when you're not married anymore." discussion.  Relationship wise, people need to put their stuff in order before they start new stuff. 

If you're not divorced, you're married, whether separated or not.  That's a powerful bond in many ways, no matter what the circumstances.  There are likely legal, emotional and financial issues involved (any or all of the above), issues that a new person in r/s to either party shouldn't have to deal with.  They color the new relationship and put unhealthy burdens on it. 

As for the wonderful, deep, empathetic conversation, that's good, but don't pin too much on it.  Heck, my BPD/npd ex and I had many of those sort of conversations in the early months.  The only way to learn about who a person is, is by listening carefully when they tell you who they are (they will), and by observing their behavior over time. 

Not looking to be Debbie Downer here, just telling you to keep your eyes open and be careful. 

[jessicapuppy]

Yes, that all makes good sense to me  

I am wondering if the new bloke has narcissistic traits, or if he's just trying to impress me with boasting.  Def. going slow on this one!

As for my friend, well...I think you are probably right.  One party is always more into the other.  What happened between us certainly wasn't planned!

JP
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[2010]

'I'm happy to take things slow, and spend quality time getting to know you, this can be done via email or telephone, but by far the most preferred method, is by email, or preferably a letter. There's nothing more romantic, than receiving a perfumed letter, from a new romantic interest and taking the time, to read and re-read the letters, and spend time replying. Email and gadgets, whilst important in todays climate, will never replace the quill and ink pen as far as I am concerned.

He's married, sitting at home sucking off his hurts at a computer screen and waiting for you to take the fantasy bait. In the meantime you've chosen a way to put some distance between his advances by complicating your life with a new dalliance- one that you feel may be more serious than you desire which scares you into the possibility of putting up a wall against further advances. This may be an attempt to uncomplicate things with no strings attached but it merely serves to complicate your life even more.

There are three people here. Two appear emotionally available on the surface and one desires a deeper connection. Is it possible that you can see where you lean and that your attraction to the surface fantasy is only a way to remain in control of your fears of getting hurt?

[jessicapuppy]

I have no idea where I lean.  Being intimate with my friend was not planned, at all. 

I don't have a plan, nor a goal.  I slept with my friend because he's been there a lot for me recently, we'd both had a drink, and I was feeling lonely. 

I'd like to have more insight, but I don't right now.

As for the separated bloke, he's quite into me meeting his family, including his soon to be ex-wife.

[MaybeSo]

I want to support the reality that a person who is not yet divorced, indeed, divorced and at least a year post divorce, is not available for a relationship. A divorce is a messy and big happening, even if the two are amicable. It involves so much work to separate and detach on so many levels. I dont care the rationalizations or excuses people might offer, it's never simple or easy.  I started seeing my ex w/NPD/BPD while he was separated, oh it was all just fine and dandy, they were just two people who had grown apart but were still friends, it was going to be a quick and painless divorce. Omg, three years later he was still just separated, not divorced. It was of course not painless. It was a nightmare. I let his charming personna steer me off course, my original value system was that I do not date anyone not yet at least 1 year past a finalized divorce. I think overall it speaks to my own ambivalence about wanting something real; I too was emotionally unavailAble for a real relationship. my suggestion is this: your fear of falling prey to another personality disordered person is a symptom that you need more time to understand yourself, first. If we are confused about what we want we will attract a similarly confused person. The work resides inside of us, it's not about being excellent at reading signs outside of us.

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there Maybeso

Thank you for your advice.  I intend to give it a lot of thought.

Last week my ex BPD/NPD bf came to collect his belongings.  I have never wanted to hug him so much.  He walked in as if everything was normal.  We chatted for 30 mins, and his father waited outside for him in the van (my ex doesn't have a car right now).   Even seeing his father was incredibly painful.  I miss all of them so much.  I was still so attracted to my ex.

I have so many things that just don't make sense.  Good days and bad days, but deep down, just at a total loss as to the waste.  The good days are really good.  I don't think of him and if I have to think of him (work related) then I can manage to do so without much sadness.  This recent meeting with him  has stirred up quite a bit of healed territory.

JP
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[kimbers43]

Intimidation - He is rich

I have never been one to be intimidated by anyone.  This tells me that my self-confidence is not what it once was.  I do not believe that any one is any better or worse than another, because of their material assets. 

Shame - I have lost so many material things over the last few years.  I am embarrassed for him to see my home, my car, even my clothes (although there is nothing realistically wrong with them). 
He has told me that I am beautiful (from photos), and yet I feel far from.  I feel tired and old and worn out.

Pressure - Although he has only seen photos of me, he seems to have put me on a pedestal, and I am frightened I cannot live up to his expectations.


Just wanted to agree with what you put above. I feel the same when i am looking to meet someone new and the above put me off doing it. I do hope things work out for you.

 

[MaybeSo]

Excellent article on this topic, with excellent advice. A years worth of therapy, free.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/do-you-want-to-be-with-an-emotionally-available-person-be-emotionally-available-yourself/

[jessicapuppy]

Yes, I'm a big fan of that site

[mgl210]

I admit i think even if I was over my ex and the whole situation, i would still be scared to be involved ever again and have such high emotions like I once did...That is just me though

[jessicapuppy]

MGL210

Personally, I think there'd be something wrong, if you didn't learn from your experiences and take more time to give yourself to someone fully.

I do think that in time, you need to be able to trust and put your whole self into a relationship, in order to be happy and make your partner happy.  I just think that it's natural to have reservations and be more cautious, otherwise, what did you learn?

JP
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[Joseph54]

Could it be that you are growing and coming to an emotional crossroad in your life. Are you beginning to trust someone else the same way you trusted the ex BPD and were hurt. You may be at the doorstep of that hurt or event when you last let yourself be vulnerable.

If so it is a great opportunity for you to push through old hurts (face the hurt and grieve it) and grow then become a better person with a fuller life.

Why not meet? but be careful to continue on your road of being cautious one step at a time.

Joe

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there

I just thought I'd give an update to this thread, although I'll probably start another as things progress.

Yesterday my estranged SO contacted me to say he misses me.  The first time in the 6 months since we broke-up.

I have no idea if this will be a recycle attempt.

For the first time I felt he was able to take on board the truth about what he has done to me over the last 6 months.  So, I told him...pretty abruptly, too, as I had PMT!   

It certainly seems to have been absorbed, because his mood has switched from NPD to BPD and he is avoiding me now and has gone very quiet.  When he has his NPD head on, he'll argue etc.

I couldn't help but be honest with him.  He contacted me so full of narcissism, about how good he was at this, that and the other, and how he never gives up on anything, and has such will and determination, so I just said, 'Well you gave up on a perfectly good relationship!'.  That's how the conversation went that way.

So...who knows what's next.  Suppose it will depend which of the two frames of mind he is in on any given day. 

I have a date on Wednesday with the original guy I posted about, on here.  So I'll update then.

Thank you for all the advice and support!   

JP
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[jessicapuppy]

Just wanted to update about this potential new relationship.

Something's just not quite right, so I'm going with my gut feeling, and paying attention!

I hope I'm not jumping to conclusions due to previous bad experiences!

We met and had a great date.   I did worry slightly, as it seemed that he wasn't totally in the moment.  He seemed a bit distant and I found myself having to repeat things.

Twice since then, he's suggested meeting on a certain day.  I've confirmed and then the day comes and goes without him coming back with a time to meet or even a memory that he suggested it in the first place!

Today he didn't reply to a text, which is unlike him, but I didn't think anything of it, until he started emailing me late at night, stating his phone was on charge and he couldn't read texts.  We all know you can see texts when a phone is on charge, and I was getting a delivery report.  I later found out he'd managed to log on to the dating site we originally met on, despite apparently being ill in bed all day, too!

Sometimes I think we just have to go with our gut feelings...

 

JP
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