Why is it so hard to make them understand?

[Think About It...]

Why is it so hard to make her understand that her behaviour ruins the RS?

Why is it so hard to make her understand that she is pushing me away?

Why is it so har to make her understand the she threating to leave and take our baby with her kills my feelings for her?

Why is it so hard to make her understand that she is hurting me?

Why is it so hard to make her understand that her actions give med the feeling of beeing controlled?

Why why why?

[andywho]

Why is it so hard to make her understand that her behaviour ruins the RS?

Why is it so hard to make her understand that she is pushing me away?

Why is it so har to make her understand the she threating to leave and take our baby with her kills my feelings for her?

Why is it so hard to make her understand that she is hurting me?

Why is it so hard to make her understand that her actions give med the feeling of beeing controlled?

Why why why?

[OnceConfused]

Because she probably don't believe that she did all of what you are saying. TO them, their behaviors are NORMAL.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[andywho]

Because she probably don't believe that she did all of what you are saying. TO them, their behaviors are NORMAL.

I kinda know that... but im just so frustrated. Thanks for reply tho... its always good to hear it from someone else.

[sotiredtoonice]

I am right there with you andywho71. I wish we could make them understand, but it has become clear to me it is impossible. I am trying to figure out how to use boundaries to help in my situation, but so far have really gotten nowhere. I just want change. Sadly, I know change isn't possible.

[andywho]

I am right there with you andywho71. I wish we could make them understand, but it has become clear to me it is impossible. I am trying to figure out how to use boundaries to help in my situation, but so far have really gotten nowhere. I just want change. Sadly, I know change isn't possible.

Boundaries and detaching helped a bit for me... but not for my RS. And as you say... i get the feeling that change isnt possible. Maybe im harsh.. but im also tired.

[bunnyrabit]

sorry wrong posting

[sotiredtoonice]

Andywho71, I, too am very tired as you say. My road hasn't been quite as long as yours, but its certainly been long enough. I have no advice to give since clearly I haven't figured out how to deal with my own situation, but if you ever want to talk feel free to send a message.   

[andywho]

Andywho71, I, too am very tired as you say. My road hasn't been quite as long as yours, but its certainly been long enough. I have no advice to give since clearly I haven't figured out how to deal with my own situation, but if you ever want to talk feel free to send a message.   

Thank you for that I might pick up on that offer. Sometimes i wish these pages had a chat function.

[Dera]

We think that if we can say it in just the right way they will finally hear it. Say it loud enough, with just the right words, with the right gesture, at the right time. If we just tack on that new thought we had today it will finally get through. I have soooooo been there, andywho71. I finally had to let go of trying to help him to see, and just let him be. I think he will have a moment of clarity and see it on his own, or maybe want to talk and really listen to me someday... but maybe this is wishful thinking.

[momtario]

Why?, you ask. We have all asked why...

The answer is she is sick. It's a simple answer, that excuses too much, but there it is- BPD is as serious a mental illness as schizophrenia. It's difficult to respond to them like they are ill, though, because much of the time pwBPD (people with BPD) seem rational.

Asking why she can't understand these things is like asking a person with untreated pneumonia why they can't stop coughing on you. The only way to protect yourself is to move when she is 'coughing' on you.

[andywho]

Why?, you ask. We have all asked why...

The answer is she is sick. It's a simple answer, that excuses too much, but there it is- BPD is as serious a mental illness as schizophrenia. It's difficult to respond to them like they are ill, though, because much of the time pwBPD (people with BPD) seem rational.

Asking why she can't understand these things is like asking a person with untreated pneumonia why they can't stop coughing on you. The only way to protect yourself is to move when she is 'coughing' on you.

OMG! You are so good with words. You said alot there with very little words. Thank you... im gonna glue this to the inside of  my brain.

Andy

[momtario]

 im gonna glue this to the inside of  my brain.

Andy

I'm gonna glue this to the inside of my brain- I like that. 

[andywho]

 im gonna glue this to the inside of  my brain.

Andy

I'm gonna glue this to the inside of my brain- I like that. 

By the way MTO... could you take a look at my answer to you in "my" thread? Would love some advice there. Please with sugar on

[HardDaysNight]

andywho,
   Well said by MTO.  For me boundaries, radical acceptance and working on me has helped me immensly.  And since working on me has helped me deal with and shorten the rages, family life as well.

The relationship, however, it has not.   The simple reason is it takes two to make a relationship work.  It takes give and take.  When one person is unwilling to give and only can take there is no relationship.

[mssalty]

Why?  Because they are wired to defend.   Part of that defense mechanism is taking any criticism (internal or external) and looking for ways to deflect it away.    I do think that there are brief moments of clarity in which they see their part in the relationship with clarity, but I also think that these moments can be turned off almost immediately with defensive behaviors that alter reality.   

In my relationship, what took me so long to realize there was a problem was that my SO was an expert at pointing the fingers back at me.   Even when my subconscious knew I wasn't to blame, my conscious brain was accepting the blame or looking for ways in which I misspoke, did the wrong thing, or searched my memory for the thing I was told I did (which was typically a lie). 

To me, it feels like my SO is always living in the moment, improvising attacks and defenses and imagining assaults coming their way from anyone who they have painted black.    They don't realize what they are doing because there is no way for them to step back and being "wrong" is not a temporary state for them, it's a lasting stain that must be dealt with. 

As strange as it sounds, what hurts me and impacts me most about BPD is not the major assaults and anger, it's the lies and anger that arise from the tiniest things.       

[andywho]

In my relationship, what took me so long to realize there was a problem was that my SO was an expert at pointing the fingers back at me.   Even when my subconscious knew I wasn't to blame, my conscious brain was accepting the blame or looking for ways in which I misspoke, did the wrong thing, or searched my memory for the thing I was told I did (which was typically a lie).

Omg... this i recognise so well. Usually all our discussions end up like this. Last time i tried to behave like i read in the book walking on eggshells... dint mange it 100%. But it the discussion turned into her crying while trying to hammer trough her will. Ended up with me saying that i had to think about it for a while just to stop the discussion and prevent myself from getting angry and start raisning my voice.

Was a weird reaction from her afterwards... she cried for almost half an hour.. she was totally exhausted, pale and black rings around her eyes. She was home sick the two next days... just laying on the couch beein very silent. Might be a coincidense... but i dont know. Of course this ended up with me comforting her and tending to her those days.

What do you guys/girls think about her reaction to that discussion?

[momtario]

She had an extinction burst. It's a pretty common thing, and I think this workshop will help you to understand them as much as it helped me  

[andywho]

She had an extinction burst. It's a pretty common thing, and I think this workshop will help you to understand them as much as it helped me  

This was an eye opener of huge dimensions. Thinking back from the start of our rs... everytime i dont cave in she collapses like she did in my last post. Not sick for days... just a wreck.

I also now see the hundreds of times i have rewarded her by beeing a slot machine. She has learned that in the end she will if she pull the lever enough times. But i find it hard to resist, and im usually exhausted myself afterwards as these discussions are some really big minefields.

I use alot of strength to not step on a mine. But usually i do.

Thanks yet again mto.

[momtario]

No thanks necessary- I know full well the type of exhaustion you are experiencing. It's an overload from years of FOG and abuse, and caretaking, and giving yourself up.

Up until a few weeks ago (7 months on BPDfamily), it was a very serious problem for me.

I don't recall if you have said- do you have a therapist for yourself?

If not, or even if you do, you may find this site helpful, like many of our members have (including myself)- Mood Gym

[andywho]

No thanks necessary- I know full well the type of exhaustion you are experiencing. It's an overload from years of FOG and abuse, and caretaking, and giving yourself up.

Up until a few weeks ago (7 months on BPDfamily), it was a very serious problem for me.

I don't recall if you have said- do you have a therapist for yourself?

If not, or even if you do, you may find this site helpful, like many of our members have (including myself)- Mood Gym

I dont have my own therapist, but i have been thinking to get one as i feel its too much for me alone.

Ill check out that website.

Have to mention that 3 days after the burst she started to bait me again. I didnt take the bsit tho. Even when she said she would leave me if my daughter moved in with us.

I notice she is frustrated these days and try all she can to hook me back on.