How do we take care of our selves?

[Think About It...]

A lot of what has been written about how to "deal" with BPD individuals. I sometimes wonder where my own needs and validations went.

Please share what you do to take care of yourselves. How do you cope with the stress and disappointments all the time? The constant threats and lack of empathy?

Do you seek these from others? Do you look for support in therapy? Hobbies? Work?

The lack of happiness does take its toll on anyone.

[draft]

A lot of what has been written about how to "deal" with BPD individuals. I sometimes wonder where my own needs and validations went.

Please share what you do to take care of yourselves. How do you cope with the stress and disappointments all the time? The constant threats and lack of empathy?

Do you seek these from others? Do you look for support in therapy? Hobbies? Work?

The lack of happiness does take its toll on anyone.

[Validation78]

 
Hi Draft!
   As you read the lessons and posts from the others, you will pick up on the theme of taking care of yourself first. Getting, and staying healthy ourselves puts us in a position to deal with pwBPD. Otherwise, the cycle perpetuates itself, and things never change. Change has to start with ourselves as we have no power to change someone else.
Start with Radical Acceptance. Read about it. When you accept the reality of BPD, you will stop looking for things in your partner that will not be possible like validation. You must have your needs met elsewhere. I started by forming my support team consisting of 2 friends, my father, and my therapist.  I know I can tell them anything, and they will validate my feelings, and always tell me the truth. I don't need it from my H. I married him thinking I should get validation from him, but learning about BPD, and that he has it, has made me accept the simple fact that what should be and what is, are not the same. Additionally, I do whatever makes me happy, whether or not H approves. He does not like that I have friends and do things without him. It triggers him every time yet I do it anyway. I travel without him because it fulfills my desires. It triggers him, yet I do it anyway. He make threats all of the time, I invite him to do what he must, yet he has yet to file for a divorce despite threats to do so. That doesn't mean that he won't, but what will be will be. I cannot sit around worrying about it. Believe me, I have have many times when I feel like I cannot deal with this crap, but I know that I can only pursue the life that makes me happy. I am not dependent on H for happiness, nor is he responsible for sadness, I am!

Best Wishes,
Val78

[Traverse]

     I struggle with this too.  And it doesn't help that my work is mostly solitary.  I try to enjoy whatever I'm doing though.  I'm thinking about validation alot and perhaps I tend to beat the crap out of a subject in order to thoroughly understand it,  but it might be that through validating our SO, we realize we don't need it for ourselves so much?  Validating that is...but it is certainly a demanding exercise!

[ApChagi1]

For me, the biggest challenge is finding time to take care of myself without being accused of something by my dBPDw.  If I exercise, it's, "Oh, I see, you'd rather be all sweaty and gross then do something with me."  I like rebuilding and repairing old bikes, and if I spend some time doing that it is, "Old bikes and a dirty garage are better than me?"  Doing anything for myself often leads to a confrontation that is longer and worse than the enjoyment and relief I get from doing what I enjoy.

Sometimes I wake up at 4:30 am just to have some time to myself before work and the inevitable evening meltdown that occurs when I get home from work.

[briefcase]

Taking care of yourself is critical.  If you don't, it's hard to implement any other changes or tools, etc.

Imagine walking into your backyard one day and discovering a deep hole in the ground--so deep you can't see the bottom.  The hole looks dark and menacing.  You really, really don't like this hole in your yard.  You decide the answer is to fill it up. 

So, you go into your garage and see an old bike.  You think, I used to like this old bike, but I don't mind losing it if it takes care of that hole.  So you throw your bike into the hole, where it vanishes without a trace.  But the hole is still there.  So, you go get all of your old favorite books from the house, and toss them in too.  They disappear, but the hole remains.  Soon, your DVD collection, computer games, musical instruments, and all the "frivolous" things in your house go down that hole, but nothing helps, the hole is as deep as ever.  Increasingly distressed, you can start to toss more important things down the hole too.  Work tools, money, foods, and, eventually, friends and family members, all vanish down that hole.

Eventually, all you have is an empty, lonely house with a big hole still in the back yard.

The day you decide to stop trying to fill that hole with important things from your life is the day you have decided to start taking care of yourself.   

My point is that giving up your hobbies, passions, work and relationships will not "change" your partner or fill the emotional hole in them. You really, really can't "make" them be happy or whole or anything else. 

Start with basic things.  Eat right, or eat things you like, exercise, watch a TV show you like, read a book for pleasure.  Call you friends and family.  Do things that bring satisfaction and joy to your life.

From there, you can start to look at improving communications methods, validation, boundaries, and all the other good things.       

I hope this helps.

[andywho]

For me, the biggest challenge is finding time to take care of myself without being accused of something by my dBPDw.  If I exercise, it's, "Oh, I see, you'd rather be all sweaty and gross then do something with me."  I like rebuilding and repairing old bikes, and if I spend some time doing that it is, "Old bikes and a dirty garage are better than me?"  Doing anything for myself often leads to a confrontation that is longer and worse than the enjoyment and relief I get from doing what I enjoy.

Sometimes I wake up at 4:30 am just to have some time to myself before work and the inevitable evening meltdown that occurs when I get home from work.

So so many of us in the same situation... I usually stay up laaaaate at night to get some time for myself. Dead tired in the morning... but the hours after GF goes to sleep is important to me.

[draft]

Radical Acceptance seems like a useful tool.

I've noticed the big hole in my back yard. And yepp, I've thrown a few precious items down that hole. Without ANY difference...

So far I'm trying to occupy myself with things and it's a sort of fleeing behavior. But I know in the end I know that I need validation somehow. Going out and getting it from someone else than my partner just doesn't feel right for me.

[Surnia]

Hi draft

Do you seek these from others? Do you look for support in therapy? Hobbies? Work?

Exactly. T, I stay with my hobbies, I added a Qigong class, I am happy that I have work.
This makes my h not a healthier person but helps me a lot.

[yeeter]

Early on UFN gave a list to consider.  I pull it up from time to time as a reality check, but I think its a great start for anyone!

In fact, I would suggest enhancing this a little and making it a sticky that says, "Start Here"

----------------------------------

Hey yeeter-

Did I say "read the essential family guide to BPD"? 

This book will help you answer a lot of questions.

basically, there are a few 'categories" that we all have to make sure are in check:

1) health

a) are you going for annual physicals?

b) Are you exercising everyday?  .

c) Are you sleeping 8-9 hours a night, during reasonable hours (before midnight, up before 9) 

d) are you eating healthy food, in the right proportion for you? see a nutritionist if "no"? 

e) are you hydrated? 

If the answer is "no" to any of these, start here first by taking steps towards goals to achieve these things

Mental health:

a) do you have your own T who understand BPD? 

b) Do you have a spiritual group that you feel safe with that is relaxing?  N

c) do you have IRL support groups/classes (like NAMI) to go to to help you understand how to live with mental illness? 

d) Do you have good relaxation technique/ opportunity for a certain period every day? 

e) do you take "mini breaks" where you go out with your kids, or friends or family,or alone WITHOUT her for half a day or so? Any mini vacations, like an overnight? 

Home

a) does your home have a routine? 

b) is it clean and organized so you can function? 

hobbies 

sports team at work? 

fantasy football club?

language class?     

Anything that you have always dreamed of doing, but were too afraid to? Something you love and stopped doing?  Anything that gets you out of the house or in a "zone" in a workshop for a few hours a week? 

Once you get these things under control, or notice what ISN'T under control/ too tightly controlled, you might start to uncover where you can make changes that affect only you and require no one's permission because they are about your needs. 

So, how do you rate ?  think you can find places to improve your situation? What if you could mae a schedule that accounted for no one but you? what would it look like?

[ApChagi1]

Thanks so much everybody.  Very helpful and inspirational.  I have been "feeding the hole" for a long time and it's getting me nowhere, except for having a crushed soul.

[GeneD]

That is great list yeeter/UFN.  Thanks.

I am lucky to have an interesting and rewarding job that I am good at.  While stressful at times, I get a lot of support from my colleagues.  I travel some for work, sometimes with my wife, but more often without which is a nice break too.  I am a musician who plays a few times a month in 2 different bands.  While my time at work and playing music is a constant topic of conflict with my wife, I have never allowed my self to throw it in the "big hole" in back of the house.   Though I limit my time on these activities to avoid conflict sometimes, I have never stopped doing them.

Exercise and diet is where I definitely fall short of taking care of myself, though I do try.

Thanks to all for a useful thread.

[real lady]

For me, the biggest challenge is finding time to take care of myself without being accused of something by my dBPDw.  If I exercise, it's, "Oh, I see, you'd rather be all sweaty and gross then do something with me."  I like rebuilding and repairing old bikes, and if I spend some time doing that it is, "Old bikes and a dirty garage are better than me?"  Doing anything for myself often leads to a confrontation that is longer and worse than the enjoyment and relief I get from doing what I enjoy.

But DON'T let that stop you from taking care of yourself; just DISengage before a dysregulation starts. That is what I have been doing. I don't "explain" my hobbies, he knows that I enjoy them and when my uBPDh said "you are trying to get away from me" (he has been at his game ALL day) I reply "I just want to do something just for me, you are playing your game, I am taking the boys to the park".

[whoamIagain?]

So, you go into your garage and see an old bike.  You think, I used to like this old bike, but I don't mind losing it if it takes care of that hole.  So you throw your bike into the hole, where it vanishes without a trace.  But the hole is still there.  So, you go get all of your old favorite books from the house, and toss them in too.  They disappear, but the hole remains.  Soon, your DVD collection, computer games, musical instruments, and all the "frivolous" things in your house go down that hole, but nothing helps, the hole is as deep as ever.  Increasingly distressed, you can start to toss more important things down the hole too.  Work tools, money, foods, and, eventually, friends and family members, all vanish down that hole.

Jeez, I nearly started crying when I read this.  So many activities foregone, abandoned...

[real lady]

Please share what you do to take care of yourselves.

I THINK of my needs and realize; with RADICAL ACCEPTANCE that it would NOT be healthy or wise for me to expect my uBPDh to meet them on any level. I take care of myself by TELLING HIM certain needs; that I KNOW that he can and may want to meet and verbalizing things that I WANT...he is a "collector" so THINGS are very important to him. I am talking about Interior Decorating and doing some restructuring of our home now.

How do you cope with the stress and disappointments all the time?

I cry. I write. I go for a walk. I take a long, luxurious bath and pamper myself and DON'T think about him while I am relaxing; I listen to music. I "STEP OUTSIDE" of my situation and find a retreat and enjoy it.

The constant threats and lack of empathy?

I am detaching more easily; finding that I am MORE aware of pending emotional dysregulation and MUCH MORE aware of triggers; I avoid them and don't expect him to respond positively on anything. I constantly remind myself that HE is IN PAIN, psychic and emotional pain and I love a mentally and emotionally ill man...

Do you seek these from others? Do you look for support in therapy?

Only online here at BPDfamily.com...I don't talk to any one else about it. I will be starting my own therapy soon.

Hobbies?

Yes, several, I write, I blog, write music, play the harp a little, sing, enjoy gardening, working on interior decorating right now. Reading; just picked up M. Ghandi's autobiography and will be reading it.

Work?

I don't work outside the home but I do stay busy with my interests and have time to myself.

[yeeter]

So, you go into your garage and see an old bike.  You think, I used to like this old bike, but I don't mind losing it if it takes care of that hole.  So you throw your bike into the hole, where it vanishes without a trace.  But the hole is still there.  So, you go get all of your old favorite books from the house, and toss them in too.  They disappear, but the hole remains.  Soon, your DVD collection, computer games, musical instruments, and all the "frivolous" things in your house go down that hole, but nothing helps, the hole is as deep as ever.  Increasingly distressed, you can start to toss more important things down the hole too.  Work tools, money, foods, and, eventually, friends and family members, all vanish down that hole.

Profound!  This is, exactly what I did.  Years worth.

So ok, I now recognize it and have stopped the bleeding so to speak, and now to turn this around and do some healing.  And I need to give this healing time (it was a good 7 years of throwing stuff down the hole, so taking a couple years to pull some things back out of it doesnt seem unreasonalbe)

[Wanda]

 taking care of me is very important..
 i don't let what my husband says bother me, if it is to insulting i leave the room, it helps this hasn't happen in a long while.
i do what i want go for walks i continue wheather he wants me to or not go out with friends i pretty much do things for me.
  if he is having a bad day.. i just let him be, going somewhere to not be around his bad mood like i said lucky for me this doesn't happen often.
 i lov my wild birds.. it helps me to relax just to sit and watch them when he is at work..
 also helps that we work oppisite hours we see each other but not as often as if we worked same shift. 

[united for now]

Find Time to do things "you" enjoy.
Accept that they may not like it.
Validate their fears regarding your growing independence.
express Your love for them.

And take care of yourself in the process.

It isn't an "either" - "or" choice...it can be both

[yeeter]

It isn't an "either" - "or" choice...it can be both

You know though, this is part of the co-dependency.  'Balance' - to us feels like being selfish and not being considerate of their needs.  Compounded by the accusation of doing just this, and historical behavior and habits, etc etc.

So a part of it, often, is gaining a more healthy perspective on 'balance'.  Because at first its not going to feel this way (and for sure wont feel this way for our SO), and IS going to 'feel' like an either or.  Outside perspectives can help.

Just pointing out this is part of our own work.

[united for now]

Excellent point yeeter  |iiiI

It will feel selfish,  and our partners will call us selfish. They will accuse us of not loving them. This its where your validation skills mix with your boundaries in taking cared of what you value...

[Wrongturn1]

Briefcase: That's an awesome post about the black hole in the back yard.  Thanks for putting that out there...it really paints a picture.  I threw just about everything I had down in that hole for 14 years before starting my recovery in 2011.  Making an effort now not to throw anything else down there and thinking about which items to prioritize as I start to pull some things back up out of that hole.

GeneD: Good for you not tossing your career as a part-time musician into the black hole!  I tossed the band playing part of my musical career into the hole almost 10 years ago, and while the time is not right currently for me to start pulling that one back out of the hole, I'm optimistic that I will get to that point in the future.

[yeeter]

It will feel selfish,  and our partners will call us selfish. They will accuse us of not loving them. This its where your validation skills mix with your boundaries in taking cared of what you value...

Of course, I 'want' to be viewed as an unselfish person - especially by my loved ones.

So how do we know what unselfish looks like?  (after all, perception is reality and if our closest loved ones feel we are selfish then at least in their mind, we are). 

Just pointing out that this is where the real rubber meets the road.  We have to changed our external feedback sources to include a broader range of individuals.  Simply self monitoring and 'knowing' internally - isnt really balanced either.  We learn to understand these limits via external feedback (often when growing up) - but over time develop a sense of ourselves in the world so that we no longer need as much third party validation.

But after being torn down for years, it needs a reset and discovery once again, of where the lines are.  Interaction with friends, family, colleagues, other people that are able to provide some perspective that is genuinely balanced is a critical part of this.

[yeeter]

Briefcase: That's an awesome post about the black hole in the back yard.  Thanks for putting that out there...it really paints a picture.  I threw just about everything I had down in that hole for 14 years before starting my recovery in 2011.  Making an effort now not to throw anything else down there and thinking about which items to prioritize as I start to pull some things back up out of that hole.

Im with you wrong turn.  One of the best posts ever. 

Along with the one a while back about running into a house that is engulfed in fire, and getting upset at the HOUSE because it is in flames.

Im saving them both.

[JimNelson89]

Early on UFN gave a list to consider.  I pull it up from time to time as a reality check, but I think its a great start for anyone!

Mental health:

a) do you have your own T who understand BPD?  NO

b) Do you have a spiritual group that you feel safe with that is relaxing?  NO

c) do you have IRL support groups/classes (like NAMI) to go to to help you understand how to live with mental illness?  NO

d) Do you have good relaxation technique/ opportunity for a certain period every day?  NO

e) do you take "mini breaks" where you go out with your kids, or friends or family,or alone WITHOUT her for half a day or so? Any mini vacations, like an overnight?  1/2 yes, overnight NO

So, how do you rate ?  think you can find places to improve your situation? What if you could mae a schedule that accounted for no one but you? what would it look like?

Yes on everything except the mental part.

It is unclear to me, how I should take care of myself.

[Sensitive Man]

Indeed, having a BPD SO can be extremely emotionally draining. The way my BPDw helps is that she wants her space almost all the time, whether she is at work or in our house. As for me personally, I take care of myself by getting together with friends, family, and people in the community. Also, I go to movies a lot. Also, I have done some writing and publishing. So, all this has helped me and thus others. Nevertheless, as far as my relationship with my BPDw, it's very bad, to say the least. In fact, I am at the point that I told her already that we are two entities in the same household, which she didn't like, but she essentially agreed. My counselor suggested, and I am going to ask her, if she wishes still to be married to me, because this is not a marriage. In fact, it is not even a relationship. It is sad and very draining. She doesn't know how to be in a relationship.