Realizations. Just thought I'd share it.

[Think About It...]

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was twisting and turning in bed next to my sleeping husband, just couldn't get my mind off things. It had been a rough couple of days. No raging, not even a quarrel, but my husband had sunken into depression and combined with work stress I had started to wheel overwhelmed, even resentful about being there for him, again. But one thing was stuck in my mind more than any of that.

Earlier in the day I had found an old, broken bicycle that someone had decided to throw away. Other people saw it as trash, but I saw beauty and great potential. "I could fix that!" I thought. I could repair it, exchange some parts and it would be come the greatest bike I ever had. However, in the end I had decided that the bike had too many faults, too many things wrong with it, the repair would be too expensive and not worth it. Better to just buy a new one. I left it there.

But now, there I was laying in bed after midnight and couldn't get my mind off that bike. I should've taken it! It could've been made perfect! I couldn't decide whether or not I had made a mistake.

This morning I was full of anxiety. I had decided to go an look whether the bike would still be there. I desperately wanted it to be there. I would take it, take care of it, fix it back to health. But in the afternoon when I got there, the bike was gone. The whole load of trash was gone, it had been taken to the dump yard.

I felt empty. I felt stupid. And then I started to think about it. This bike seemed to represent a lot more than just a pretty two-wheeled vehicle. It was a chance to take something that was broken and fix it back to it's former glory. Like I would like to do to our relationship. It was a chance to attack a tangible project where the problem at hand was clearly defined and the steps to the solution easily followed. Much unlike in our relationship. Unlike in my own life. Unlike with my husband. It was an imperfect but wonderful piece of art and physics, so many things I loved about it but many things I wanted to change to make it run smoothly. Like I have tended to preceive my partner.

This might all seem very silly, but having to accept that the bike, along with the dream of what it could've been, was gone _

[Triptoes]

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was twisting and turning in bed next to my sleeping husband, just couldn't get my mind off things. It had been a rough couple of days. No raging, not even a quarrel, but my husband had sunken into depression and combined with work stress I had started to wheel overwhelmed, even resentful about being there for him, again. But one thing was stuck in my mind more than any of that.

Earlier in the day I had found an old, broken bicycle that someone had decided to throw away. Other people saw it as trash, but I saw beauty and great potential. "I could fix that!" I thought. I could repair it, exchange some parts and it would be come the greatest bike I ever had. However, in the end I had decided that the bike had too many faults, too many things wrong with it, the repair would be too expensive and not worth it. Better to just buy a new one. I left it there.

But now, there I was laying in bed after midnight and couldn't get my mind off that bike. I should've taken it! It could've been made perfect! I couldn't decide whether or not I had made a mistake.

This morning I was full of anxiety. I had decided to go an look whether the bike would still be there. I desperately wanted it to be there. I would take it, take care of it, fix it back to health. But in the afternoon when I got there, the bike was gone. The whole load of trash was gone, it had been taken to the dump yard.

I felt empty. I felt stupid. And then I started to think about it. This bike seemed to represent a lot more than just a pretty two-wheeled vehicle. It was a chance to take something that was broken and fix it back to it's former glory. Like I would like to do to our relationship. It was a chance to attack a tangible project where the problem at hand was clearly defined and the steps to the solution easily followed. Much unlike in our relationship. Unlike in my own life. Unlike with my husband. It was an imperfect but wonderful piece of art and physics, so many things I loved about it but many things I wanted to change to make it run smoothly. Like I have tended to preceive my partner.

This might all seem very silly, but having to accept that the bike, along with the dream of what it could've been, was gone _

[toomanyeggshells]

That's a really good post and very insightful.  Those are the things we all have to learn to accept if we're trying to stay in our relationships.  We can only control and/or change ourselves.  Our SO's are who they are and we can't change them. 

[Statler]

Terrific post, Tiptoes.  Thank you for sharing it.

[multiball]

The bicycle analogy is perfect.  I feel very similar, it brought me to tears   Yikes.   

[briefcase]

Excellent insights.  Thank you for sharing it with us.   

[Triptoes]

Glad you guys enjoyed it!

I must say, I slept much better the next night. Not that one "Eureka!" moment cured me of all unconstructive thinking patterns, but it did give a good push to the right direction. Here's to an interesting journey to acceptance and mindfulness!

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