Feeling so stupid I fell for it again...

[Think About It...]

 Hi! topknot,

Oh I see you were referring to the business stuff. I thought, toiletries and doodads...

Yes, the horrific things they spew out to us and think nothing of it and when we make one little 'constructive criticism' about them? Oh my...

So topknot, can you go NC? or does the business venture products mean you have to communicate with him until it's resolved?   

[Sabine]

 Hi! topknot,

Oh I see you were referring to the business stuff. I thought, toiletries and doodads...

Yes, the horrific things they spew out to us and think nothing of it and when we make one little 'constructive criticism' about them? Oh my...

So topknot, can you go NC? or does the business venture products mean you have to communicate with him until it's resolved?   

[forgottenarm]

Hey TopKnot,

I've been in the "black" several times with my ex, both in the r/s and during our breaks.  It hurts and I've spent many hours replaying events and wondering why I feel so guilty when his part in our conflicts was usually so off-the-wall and extreme.

My main comment, though, is to be on extra high alert because this too shall pass and what happens next can be really tricky.  I've found myself extra vulnerable after one of these rounds because I'm so relieved when he's no longer angry that I'm more open to contact than I should be.  And I kinda want to prove to myself and the rest of the world that I'm not such a bad person.  It's extremely hard to stay NC like that.

I've actually started to suspect that he concocts reasons to paint me black to get the control back---it kind of tenderizes me, if you know what I mean---because it's always (ALWAYS!) followed by some friendly contact if not a recycle attempt.

[topknot]

Appreciate the advice and what is to come next.  I feel like I have put defense armor on after yesterday.  I picked up my belongings from where he left them.  In going through the bag, there were letters I had written ripped and thrown carelessly, a picture taped to his kitchen cabinet ripped off with force, and things that were placed in the bag besides the obvious were things to make me feel horrible, reminders of good times, etc. Finally, had to say what is MISSING - anything from the shower or nightstand that may prevent a "booty call" in the future, just in case.. ENRAGING..he is so, so imbalanced.

[C12P21]

I think it is their attempt to control you, even when they are not in contact.
Or he may hope you will call and ask for the missing items.

When my r/s ended with a pwBPD, given how he treated me and devalued me, I thought he was a sociopath. I think this is more how I felt then the reality. Their outrageous behavior is shocking and the rages are devastating to the object they pour their bile on.

I didn't have enough calm or clarity to understand what I was going through, the emotional pain and confusion and I continued to engage with him to seek closure and validation of the events as they occurred, rather than the re-writing of history (his version). The problem was each time I answered or initiated an email, or called sobbing...I only gave away more of my personal power, and looked like a deranged woman. This fed into his disorder..and gave him ample opportunity to hurt me.
My hope is you can allow yourself to be hurt, feel your feelings and remain within your boundaries. To keep boundaries is so difficult during emotional duress, but if you engage with him on any level, you open yourself up to someone that will hurt you. As you heal, you may struggle with forgiving yourself for allowing this person back into your life on some level, or how you behaved, too.
This man sounds like an impossible person, dealing with an impossible person drains your inner resources, their goal is to overpower and bully.
This statement is sheer meanness

When I reminded him of all I had done for him, he went into a rage, and said to take my pity party and go.

A person with emotional integrity does not attack another person. And they say the meanest things in order to get you to lash out and stoop to their level.
It is such a mind game.
Take care of yourself, you gave it one more try with someone you have an intense emotional bond, and this is the hallmark of these relationships, the intensity.
Try to understand this intensity, how it formed, what happened..and then remove it through understanding how it happened and process those memories in a new light. He mirrored you and seduced you in order to avoid his emotions and the emptiness he feels inside.
Take care,
Cindy

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Sabine]

Hi topknot,

I know exactly how you feel. My exBPDbf had his final rage at me on my birthday... when I told him to leave for good, he grabbed all the birthday presents he had just given me, then ripped up the flowers and threw the water (hard) from the vase all over me and my place. All the while he was devaluing me screaming the most horrific things at me 2 inches from my face! The restraint from not screaming back at him was almost impossible. But (don't ask me how) I stayed calm and just told him to leave. That wasn't the end... 30 minutes later he texted me to meet him downstairs with the boxes he gave the presents in so that he could return them (ugh!) and that he had my things left at his house. I silently, without saying a word exchanged the items and went back upstairs. The items he returned of mine were half used bottles of shampoo, a shower cap, half eaten box of mints, ugh, a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt.

It was one of the saddest and sickest experiences I've ever been through with another human being.

That was about 4 months ago, and he has since not stopped trying to apologies and justify his actions...I blocked and deleted his phone and have I've stayed NC. Hang in there...  

[topknot]

CP/Cindy - Thanks so much for your encouraging words.  I always enjoy reading your responses, they are so enlightening.  When he told me to "take my pity party and go", the next line of text was, "You think you are going to punish me now?  I don't think so.  You are not going to annihilate my character".   Huh?  So confusing..Sabine, thank you for identifying with what I am saying and that you have been keeping tabs on my situation.  I always appreciate your sound advice as well

[C12P21]

When he told me to "take my pity party and go", the next line of text was, "You think you are going to punish me now?  I don't think so.  You are not going to annihilate my character".   Huh?  So confusing

Oh my goodness, when I read that it was validating.
I remember when we broke up, I stood at the door with my hand on the knob and said "I am so shocked, how quickly one falls off the ladder", I meant to say, pedestal but I was so stunned, it was a mix up in words. But I was stunned because just the day before we were discussing our retirement and our cabin we were planning on building on waterfront property-a gift from him to me for our retirement. We were going to retire in the next few years, as he could afford to retire at that time, even though he would only be 53. Imagine my shock to not only be laughed at but replaced within twenty four hours. This was before I knew all the details of his seduction of the replacement and that she had been on the scene for at least two months, unknown by me.
He lashed out to me and said "you only want to take a pound of flesh, that is the only reason you are here."
So, I was shocked and hurt...and he saw this as him punishing me.
I realize now it was his guilt and shame, projected back onto me so I am no longer hurt or confused by the comment.
The same with your situation. He was experiencing something that appalled him, a conscience, and rather than allowing himself to listen to his conscience, he projected onto you-his nastiness. He also let you know what he does, defame, devalue, discard.
I know it leaves you confused and dazed but keep posting, keep working on understanding the dynamics at play.
C

[C12P21]

and he saw this as him punishing me.

I meant to write, he saw this as me punishing him by showing my shock and vulnerability.
C

[Sabine]

topknot,

Just be careful. He'll probably pull a switch on you down the road... that's when you'll really see the disorder come alive! 

[topknot]

All of this is so predictable after what you write to me.  Last night, 11:30 p.m. text - "How are you holding up in this heat? (My job is somewhat outdoors) Hope all is well with you.  Let me know what the specialist says with your results."  ARE YOU KIDDING?  Now you actually care?  How about you want to "poke" me in the middle of the night to see if I am thinking of you.  Unreal after the explosion! I don't understand the process of what happens in their head.  After all this hoopla, this is not the first time he wants to talk about the weather, so to speak.  Does he actually believe we would chat like nothing happened and never address this?  Or do they find people that actually would? I just rolled over and went to sleep.

[forgottenarm]

Hey TopKnot,

I've read that pwBPD often don't remember what happened when they were raging because they dissociate.  It's a protective mechanism---it literally blocks out a lot of the details.  I observed this with my xuBPDbf many times and our MC said the same thing.  Maybe this helps to explain how your ex could act so blase.  I bet he's repressed most of what he said and did to you, and probably wouldn't be capable of fully acknowledging it even if you showed him the videotape

[FriedaB]

It  happens.  H*ll  look  at  me,  returning  for  more  abuse  not  once,  twice  but  FOUR  times.  Stupid,  stupid,  stupid.  *smacks  head*

[topknot]

forgotten arm, very, very interesting.  Who would think, huh?  Well, wait a minute, they don't think like we do.  FriedaB, you always make me laugh out loud!