When you're tempted to make contact, what do you do?

[Think About It...]

Today is exceptionally difficult. I want to reach out to my expwBPD and I know it is not a healthy thing to do. What do you do when your heart is heavy and you're hurting and you just want to know that the relationship did, in fact, exist and that they once were a part of your life. 

[bulletDodged]

Today is exceptionally difficult. I want to reach out to my expwBPD and I know it is not a healthy thing to do. What do you do when your heart is heavy and you're hurting and you just want to know that the relationship did, in fact, exist and that they once were a part of your life. 

[OTB]

Hey bulletdodged...been there...done that.  It is difficult!  very difficult to resist the urge.  Everytime I did break NC which was I believe twice it NEVER turned out how I would have liked it.  If anything it gave me the strength to not break it again.

Why do you feel like you have to contact your ex?  What helped me back then was doing an exercise by reading the "10 beliefs that get you stuck" http://www.BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm and figure out what was keeping me wanting to contact her.

Trust me NC is worth it and it is definitely just for you. 
Hang in there...it does get better!  I am 6 months out and never want to go back to that dysfunction again.
OTB

[bulletDodged]

OTB - thank you. I am still in shock at the way it ended - abruptly, suddenly and recently. I guess I am looking for closure and as sick as this sounds, I do still miss him. The relationship was nothing short of turbulent, so there must be something very wrong with ME for wanting to break NC. I pray this feeling passes and I will regain my sanity.

[OTB]

OTB - thank you. I am still in shock at the way it ended - abruptly, suddenly and recently. I guess I am looking for closure and as sick as this sounds, I do still miss him. The relationship was nothing short of turbulent, so there must be something very wrong with ME for wanting to break NC. I pray this feeling passes and I will regain my sanity.

There is nothing wrong with you.  I am sure you cared for him and you miss him that is normal.  The thing I had to realize was my ex was not going to get better...I was not going to get the closure I needed.  I broke up with her and she has tried to contact me alot after the breakup but now the contact from her is getting less and less. 

Are you in therapy?  It definitely helped me process everything and get back to working on me and why I chose to stay in a relationship that was not healthy for me.  Also, medication helped me get over the rough patches when I had the anxiety to contact her. 

Hang in there.      Keep posting...if anything it gives you an online diary that you can go back and look to see how far you have come.  I can't believe I made it thru the hell.  You can too!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[sirhero]

OTB - thank you. I am still in shock at the way it ended - abruptly, suddenly and recently. I guess I am looking for closure and as sick as this sounds, I do still miss him. The relationship was nothing short of turbulent, so there must be something very wrong with ME for wanting to break NC. I pray this feeling passes and I will regain my sanity.

I understand how you feel, mine ended the same way. I just kept reading these boards and seeing that NO ONE got closure from their ex's and made me realize that I am no different. She has moved on to her new host and has no need for me anymore. She's just conditioned to do that. If you feel like you need to break NC then by all means do it. Only you can decide what is right for you.

[bulletDodged]

sirhero, you are so right. Only I know what's best for me. The thought that is stopping me from reaching out is knowing that I will not gain anything from it, only more feelings of hurt and rejection. My ex has moved on to his next 'host' too, perhaps I should accept this reality and get on with my healing and my life. I should simply accept the fact that he is gone, in every sense and grieve until the pain stops. 

[diotima]

I want to reach out to my expwBPD and I know it is not a healthy thing to do. What do you do when your heart is heavy and you're hurting and you just want to know that the relationship did, in fact, exist and that they once were a part of your life.

I understand your wanting to reach out. So did I and when I did (at the beginning) it hurt more than not doing it. Do we keep touching hot stoves to find out if they are still hot? We cannot get consolation from the source of the pain--from the person who caused it. This hurts way more than a normal breakup because of the level of emotional development of a BPD (and their ability to cast us aside so easily). Think of this person as a three-year-old in an adult body. If you have been around three-year-olds, they love mommy one minute and hate her the next, then whine and cry and love her again--there is no continuity. It helped me to keep reminding myself of this. The other person simply cannot give us what we want because of arrested emotional development. As adults we expect more or less that the other person is relating to us as an adult with (more or less) adult development. There are two different worlds here.

It's gonna take time to process all this. Two things that really helped me: learning to meditate and dancing lessons...as well as therapy to figure out what early issues I had that made me receptive to my ex. I can tell you now that I have no interest whatsoever in having any kind of relationship with my ex. All that pain and longing turned into revulsion at the thought of being with him...but it sure stirred the pot.

Take good care of you. Get out and go for a walk, get some exercise--try to move your attention to something else. If you can't move your attention then write in a journal about it until you get tired of thinking about it and then do something else--then get some physical exercise.

Diotima

[gettingoverit]

I have not had that urge for a very long time, however when I did, I just reminded myself how unhappy I was with her and all the BS she put me through. I looked at the list I made of all the sh*tty things she did through out our relationship. That usually helped put a damper on ever contacting her. Also I did not want to give my ex the fuel to accuse me of stalking or any other such nonsense. Her being the perpetual victim, would have used that as a way to get her lap dog replacement to threaten me again and call the police saying I was harrassing her. No thanks. She is so not worth all the sh*t that that would cause. Remember, the moment will pass. It may seem like it never goes away, but in those moments literally take it one second at a time if you have too. Don't do it. You will only feel awful if you do, and it will make you look like the fool (to your ex). When those moments come, do anything else, call a friend, take a bath, go for a walk, whatever it takes, and remind yourself it's only for the moment and eventually the desire will pass...I promise.

[sirhero]

sirhero, you are so right. Only I know what's best for me. The thought that is stopping me from reaching out is knowing that I will not gain anything from it, only more feelings of hurt and rejection. My ex has moved on to his next 'host' too, perhaps I should accept this reality and get on with my healing and my life. I should simply accept the fact that he is gone, in every sense and grieve until the pain stops. 

Sadly enough knowing that she has moved on has actually helped me in moving on. I think to myself "she moved on that fast. she's involved with someone else now. I don't want to be that guy." It hurts knowing that she is with someone else already, but it also helps with the fact that I know...it's over. Even if she wanted me back now, I don't think I could go back, because that same thing would happen all over again and I'd be beating myself up.

One thing I have started doing is dipping back into my hobbies BEFORE I met her. I stopped a lot of what I use to do, because she demanded so much of time, but now I have that freedom and time back I can get back to what I enjoy. I'm catching up with friends now. Being a lot more social, as like I said, all my attention went to her. It's hard, but you can do it. Just takes time and acceptance of the situation. I still love my ex and care about her, but I deserve better and I know that now.

[bulletDodged]

I have not had that urge for a very long time, however when I did, I just reminded myself how unhappy I was with her and all the BS she put me through. I looked at the list I made of all the sh*tty things she did through out our relationship. That usually helped put a damper on ever contacting her. Also I did not want to give my ex the fuel to accuse me of stalking or any other such nonsense. Her being the perpetual victim, would have used that as a way to get her lap dog replacement to threaten me again and call the police saying I was harrassing her. No thanks. She is so not worth all the sh*t that that would cause. Remember, the moment will pass. It may seem like it never goes away, but in those moments literally take it one second at a time if you have too. Don't do it. You will only feel awful if you do, and it will make you look like the fool (to your ex). When those moments come, do anything else, call a friend, take a bath, go for a walk, whatever it takes, and remind yourself it's only for the moment and eventually the desire will pass...I promise.

One second at a time is my motto today. Slowly but surely, I'm getting through this day. This site is a godsend. If I couldn't vent or express the hurt, I would've dialed his number by now. Thanks for all the support and all who responded to my cry for help. Now, onto the second half of my day...wish me luck...

[oletimefeelin]

I can only tell you what works for me.  I am a ways out of my ordeal.  It's been almost 8 months since we were anything, and close to 5 months since I've heard a peep from her camp.

We did part on ambiguous terms.  The stars and everyone else seemingly believing another coupling loomed around the corner.  Alas I ran into her with another chap, and well I can't get involved in that.  I see it like I value myself more.  Last I knew she was with someone.  I have absolutely no idea whether this is still the case.  Her history (perhaps more stable than the exes mentioned here) suggests otherwise.  However, I'm not checking in to find out.

I have more recently found this budding desire to reach out.  I went somewhere that was undeniably her.  I had fun but it was not the same.  I woke up mopey Monday morning and then had an odd dream about her Tuesday.  So occasionally I daydream of talking to her, but then I think of ALL that happened.  Me calling about a game glosses over everything that went down.  She didn't cheat but she was incredibly unfair and wasted my time.  I paid a price for this.  I can't just contact her out of the blue to stroll down Memory Lane.  It sends the entirely wrong message. 

Any contact between the two of us that's not coincidental (ie bump into one another on the street) has to be initiated by her.  She has to apologize.  The likelihood of hearing from her some day is pretty good, but the likelihood of getting that genuine apology is not. 

I learned a lot from all this.  Most of all I have to value myself more.  I still love her and likely always will.  I miss her family and do wonder how they're doing.

The only answer is to move on.  I never really broke no contact before, but I did act impulsively.  So my long-winded answer for you is to really think about why you want to do this and what message you're sending her. 

[diotima]

Yes, this site is a godsend and I do wish you luck--and that the second half of your day is better than the first half.
Diotima

[BleedsOrange]

I remember the last conversation, then I remember the ones before that. Then I remember that The bad ones were really bad. I remember that Im not taking any more emotional abuse any more and that the moment it would start i would tear into her like nobody's business and I dont want that guilt. I remember that even if the conversation was cordial, even seemingly pleasant, she would slip an insult or blame or abasement or analyzing or preaching or judging, quickly quietly and nonchalantly and I would have to swallow it. Even the kindness was only a a pretty bow around a very precise scalpel.

She has nothing to offer me but pain. I have to remember that. You would be wise to remember it as well.

[suz124w]

Bleedsorange,

So true what you say about the scalpel.

I, too, recall the last conversation I had with him and he certainly wielded a laser scalpel on me.  I am not at all tempted to go back to speak to someone who now says he had sexual problems for the duration of our 3 year relationship (Hello!  I think I would've noticed!) and prefers to be single and do porn.  That is a downright insult!  I confronted him by remaining very calm and asking him if things were a bit better now for him down below.  He answered 'a bit, but not completely!'

I know this was designed to punish me and it's also part of his ongoing hypochondria (what didn't he have going wrong I ask myself) but it's so below the belt (no pun intended!)  .  At the moment on the side of town where he lives is an oubreak of Legionnaire's disease.  A number of people are ill and one has died.  I'm wondering if he has all the symptoms...after all, he just LOVES being unwell!

Good luck to him.  I am grieving and I know it will take time but I've no wish to enter that particular lion's den thank you very much!

[bulletDodged]

I remember the last conversation, then I remember the ones before that. Then I remember that The bad ones were really bad. I remember that Im not taking any more emotional abuse any more and that the moment it would start i would tear into her like nobody's business and I dont want that guilt. I remember that even if the conversation was cordial, even seemingly pleasant, she would slip an insult or blame or abasement or analyzing or preaching or judging, quickly quietly and nonchalantly and I would have to swallow it. Even the kindness was only a a pretty bow around a very precise scalpel.

She has nothing to offer me but pain. I have to remember that. You would be wise to remember it as well.

This is wise advice and really kept me going as well; I couldn't visualize a positive outcome by reaching out and decided that there was no sense in it. Needless to say, the work day is over and I can breathe easy - he is unavailable after 4:30pm (or at least that's what I thought it to be) ...so, technically, I have made it through one more day. Couldn't have done it without all the support and encouragement from this site. 

[1brokenwing]

Bullet dodged:  

   The relationship was real.  As real as the pain you feel.  Maybe not the healthiest relationship, but definitely real.  I think sometimes being in relationship with a BPD leaves us feeling like we had an out of body experience or experience with an extra terrestrial because they lack a SELF, suck us dry and rob us of a part of US.  They are a ghost of sorts.  A body snatcher that relied on US for emotional supply they know little about because they were never given it when they were young.
  
     The BPD in my life brought me to my literal knees and to the edge of sanity!  I sought a therapist that specializes in working with non BPDs and BPDs.  Very expensive by the way. Lol. I shall impart this to you for free.  When this feeling - ok feeling seems so inadequate to describe that ache that feels like somebody reached in your chest and pulled your heart out, pounded it on concrete then put it back in your chest and walked away - breathe.  Just breathe.  Deeply.  Get out of your head, close your eyes and hold your hand to the part of your body that hurts (for me it was my heart).  Do this for a few minutes and voila, the feeling passes!  Our feelings simply need to be honored. They are only feelings but what gives them power is our attempt to suppress, sublimate or ignore.  We end up acting out like crazy.  It's the simplest thing but we fight it so much.   Will you try it and let me know?  When we are in pain we forget how to breathe.  When we are dead...well you get the picture .  You are on here and that means you are choosing life!  

     There are hundreds (thousands?) of us on here and we are testimony that you can survive this!  No contact is also a must.  Like abstaining from a drug when you realize you are an addict.  Yes, he was a drug.  Yes you are  addicted to him.  But now you know and best of all?  You are not alone and I promise you will get through this!    to you...peace out.

[COguy]

The BPD in my life brought me to my literal knees and to the edge of sanity!  I sought a therapist that specializes in working with non BPDs and BPDs.  Very expensive by the way. Lol. I shall impart this to you for free.  When this feeling - ok feeling seems so inadequate to describe that ache that feels like somebody reached in your chest and pulled your heart out, pounded it on concrete then put it back in your chest and walked away - breathe.  Just breathe.  Deeply.  Get out of your head, close your eyes and hold your hand to the part of your body that hurts (for me it was my heart).  Do this for a few minutes and voila, the feeling passes!  Our feelings simply need to be honored. They are only feelings but what gives them power is our attempt to suppress, sublimate or ignore.  We end up acting out like crazy.  It's the simplest thing but we fight it so much.   Will you try it and let me know?  When we are in pain we forget how to breathe.  When we are dead...well you get the picture .  You are on here and that means you are choosing life!

Thank you for that.  I've been struggling all week as I moved out on monday and after reading about BPD and abusive relationships all week have come to realize that my wife and my relationship as I had dreamed is over.  At this point, we need to divorce, unless she decides to change.  I have been extremely sad, feeling like if I could just get her to see how unnecessary her actions were we could get through this and be happy.

There is this feeling, so hard to describe, like I've run a marathon and 3 feet from the finish line I come up on a paper wall I can't break through.  If we could just get past this one thing everything would be great!  That if I can just make her see how much I love her or how awesome our life could be or how horrible it will be if she doesn't get help, everything will be awesome.

The pain of reading about these relationships and realizing that I have no control over what happens. That I have to end this if she doesn't get help, it's all very overwhelming and just depressing to me.  Your exercise helped me a lot.  I think just verbalizing the sadness, acknowledging it, was something that I needed to do.  I also think I'll have to do this a lot over the next few weeks and months.

It's hard to lose hope though in someone you love.  I keep wanting to ask people that have recovered, "what chance does my wife have of getting help?"

[bulletDodged]

Bullet dodged:  

I think sometimes being in relationship with a BPD leaves us feeling like we had an out of body experience or experience with an extra terrestrial because they lack a SELF, suck us dry and rob us of a part of US.  They are a ghost of sorts.  A body snatcher that relied on US for emotional supply they know little about because they were never given it when they were young.
  
 ...When this feeling - ok feeling seems so inadequate to describe that ache that feels like somebody reached in your chest and pulled your heart out, pounded it on concrete then put it back in your chest and walked away - breathe.  Just breathe.  Deeply.  Get out of your head, close your eyes and hold your hand to the part of your body that hurts (for me it was my heart).  Do this for a few minutes and voila, the feeling passes!  Our feelings simply need to be honored. They are only feelings but what gives them power is our attempt to suppress, sublimate or ignore.  We end up acting out like crazy.  It's the simplest thing but we fight it so much.   Will you try it and let me know?  When we are in pain we forget how to breathe.  When we are dead...well you get the picture .  You are on here and that means you are choosing life!  

     There are hundreds (thousands?) of us on here and we are testimony that you can survive this!  No contact is also a must.  Like abstaining from a drug when you realize you are an addict.  Yes, he was a drug.  Yes you are  addicted to him.  But now you know and best of all?  You are not alone and I promise you will get through this!    to you...peace out.

TY 1brokenwing, your post encouraged me and brought tears to my eyes. Feeligs do need to be honored and yes, Itoo felt like it was an out of body experience. Its funny because even before I knew of his condition, I kept saying to him that I feel like I am not in my body, but on the sidelines watching everything. He thought I was going crazy. My feelings are being validated with every day of NC that passes. Today I don't feel as crushed or tempted because I feel like there is hope for me to move beyond this.

[daydreambeliever]

Breathe...and think of the beginning of NC like going cold turkey off drugs...you can do it, your pian will pass, and with each urge that comes to contact them that you get though you will feel stronger,
Read the information here there is a lot and it really helps with the moving on process to completely understand who/what you were dealing with in order to accept the ending and give yourself closure. They do not give anyone closure. The closure you will find is in you.

All the best, you can get though it, and remember when the going gets tough to breathe, know the urge moment will pass.

[1brokenwing]

  . At a girl!