Do they every remember the good times

[Think About It...]

The relationship went through the typical cycle we all read about... starts with the honeymoon phase and end when the crush you and make you feel like a peanut.  She blamed me for everything, doubted my love, was unable to see my daily acts of kindness and love, etc...

I have now been tossed aside, pained black, and left without closure and to second guess all my actions.

I know that I love her deep down more than I have ever loved before.
I know that I went out of my way to make her happy every day
I know that I treated her like a princess even in the face of her abuse
I know that I never once yelled at her or degraded her or told her any of the hurtful things she told me.
I know that I want a life with her and to marry her.

She only seems to hold on to the negative part of the relationship or the things she in her head thinks is negative.  I can bore you with the details but every time I retell the stories to my Non-BPD friends they all tell me the same... you did nothing wrong and she overreacted. 

Now that she has rejected me for the lat time i ask?

*******  Will she remember the 1000's of beautiful moments we shared or continue to focus only on the few bad things she won't let go of. 

Here is one example of the worst thing I did in her eyes: (I'll be short): 

The story is about the BPD girlfriend
My current wife and I are going through a divorce
Wife and I moved from Chicago to Denver
Met girlfriend in Denver
I took girlfriend to old home in Chicago to gather furniture and stuff for me to start my new life.
As i was going through the old house i came across 2 boxes of my soon to be ex-wife's clothes
To be nice I grabbed them and put them in the truck to bring across the country for her. (wife made a similar trip on her own a week prior).
The girlfriend saw the boxes that i took for my wife and lost it... major anxiety attack, self mutational (beat her legs), cried the whole 22 hour drive home.
"why the F%$# would I travel cross county with you to bring her stuff back"
During the drive home she screamed at me, and told me that once we get home that i would never see her again and wanted out of my life. - The relationship lasted 6 months longer though.

She never forgave me for bringing two boxes to my soon to be ex wife.  She felt that was the day she knew she could never really be my number one.  I explained that I was just being nice but in her eyes I was putting the ex first and I did not care about her feelings.

All she ever wanted was to be someone's number one.  but the problem is that she was my number one but did not believe me.  She doubted my love, felt i would stop loving her, felt unworthy of love, etc... typical BPD attitude.

*******  Will she remember the 1000's of beautiful moments we shared or continue to focus only on the few bad things she won't let go of.

[abusedbyBPD]

The relationship went through the typical cycle we all read about... starts with the honeymoon phase and end when the crush you and make you feel like a peanut.  She blamed me for everything, doubted my love, was unable to see my daily acts of kindness and love, etc...

I have now been tossed aside, pained black, and left without closure and to second guess all my actions.

I know that I love her deep down more than I have ever loved before.
I know that I went out of my way to make her happy every day
I know that I treated her like a princess even in the face of her abuse
I know that I never once yelled at her or degraded her or told her any of the hurtful things she told me.
I know that I want a life with her and to marry her.

She only seems to hold on to the negative part of the relationship or the things she in her head thinks is negative.  I can bore you with the details but every time I retell the stories to my Non-BPD friends they all tell me the same... you did nothing wrong and she overreacted. 

Now that she has rejected me for the lat time i ask?

*******  Will she remember the 1000's of beautiful moments we shared or continue to focus only on the few bad things she won't let go of. 

Here is one example of the worst thing I did in her eyes: (I'll be short): 

The story is about the BPD girlfriend
My current wife and I are going through a divorce
Wife and I moved from Chicago to Denver
Met girlfriend in Denver
I took girlfriend to old home in Chicago to gather furniture and stuff for me to start my new life.
As i was going through the old house i came across 2 boxes of my soon to be ex-wife's clothes
To be nice I grabbed them and put them in the truck to bring across the country for her. (wife made a similar trip on her own a week prior).
The girlfriend saw the boxes that i took for my wife and lost it... major anxiety attack, self mutational (beat her legs), cried the whole 22 hour drive home.
"why the F%$# would I travel cross county with you to bring her stuff back"
During the drive home she screamed at me, and told me that once we get home that i would never see her again and wanted out of my life. - The relationship lasted 6 months longer though.

She never forgave me for bringing two boxes to my soon to be ex wife.  She felt that was the day she knew she could never really be my number one.  I explained that I was just being nice but in her eyes I was putting the ex first and I did not care about her feelings.

All she ever wanted was to be someone's number one.  but the problem is that she was my number one but did not believe me.  She doubted my love, felt i would stop loving her, felt unworthy of love, etc... typical BPD attitude.

*******  Will she remember the 1000's of beautiful moments we shared or continue to focus only on the few bad things she won't let go of.

[BP39]

Quick answer and blunt ...NO...I got 15 years yes I have said and did hurtful things not knowing and dealing with this illness with stbxw.but know she says I've put up with enough abuse from you ...go figure like she was june cleaver..more. like her evil stepsister

[Dera]

My exBPD used to remember the good times from his previous relationships, so I can only assume he will remember the good times he had with me.

He had a peculiar kind of longing and regret over his past relationships, and he told me that everyone always leaves him because he is a monster. Whereas, it looks to me like he left almost all of them, they didn't leave him.

[FriedaB]

Sadly,  no. 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Mauser]

I honestly think my ex pushes every reminder of me out of his mind. To go back and remember just brings more pain.

[FriedaB]

I honestly think my ex pushes every reminder of me out of his mind. To go back and remember just brings more pain.

Maybe this is why the past keeps repeating itself?

[yianks69]

I believe they do remember the good times but these are heavily overshadowed by the bad times (imaginary or not).

This facilitates their black painting which results into rage and abuse.

Always remember that they are terrified little children who can_

[Beenreplaced]

Truthfully I think sometimes they do.  They have black and white thinking and during the break up we are painted black and thinking about us brings them shame which they try to avoid at all costs.  As time goes on and their new r/s starts to have problems we are painted white again and would assume they must start to think about the good times because some of them try to re-engage.  Just remember that some of them do this while others paint their exs black forever.

[tailspin]

abusedbyBPD,

It's difficult to remember these people are human because of what they do to us...but they are human and they do remember.  The difference being their memories are distorted to fit their reality at the time.  Your ex may remember something good you shared together but these feelings aren't sustainable due to her inability to regulate her emotions.  Also, these memories may be too painful for your ex to remember.  It much easier to deny the good than it is to experience the pain and regret.

She focused on the negative because she never truly believed she was loveable.  When you don't love yourself it's much easier to focus on the bad things.  Focusing on the negative also helps your ex to justify her bad behavior to herself.  She must do this to survive emotionally and it really has nothing whatsoever to do with you.

However, YOU can remember the good times and you can give yourself permission to do so.  Whenever I'm reminded of something fun we shared or did...I take a moment to be thankful.  I acknowledge the memory as a good one.  It took me a long time to remember and not be sad or angry but this is MY LIFE and I want to remember the fun things I did in it regardless of how things turned out or who I shared these memories with.  

Peace to you.  You are not alone and you will be ok.

tailspin

[myself]

abusedbyBPD,

It's difficult to remember these people are human because of what they do to us...but they are human and they do remember.  The difference being their memories are distorted to fit their reality at the time.  Your ex may remember something good you shared together but these feelings aren't sustainable due to her inability to regulate her emotions.  Also, these memories may be too painful for your ex to remember.  It much easier to deny the good than it is to experience the pain and regret.

She focused on the negative because she never truly believed she was loveable.  When you don't love yourself it's much easier to focus on the bad things.  Focusing on the negative also helps your ex to justify her bad behavior to herself.  She must do this to survive emotionally and it really has nothing whatsoever to do with you.

However, YOU can remember the good times and you can give yourself permission to do so.  Whenever I'm reminded of something fun we shared or did...I take a moment to be thankful.  I acknowledge the memory as a good one.  It took me a long time to remember and not be sad or angry but this is MY LIFE and I want to remember the fun things I did in it regardless of how things turned out or who I shared these memories with.  

Peace to you.  You are not alone and you will be ok.

tailspin

Once again, tailspin with some real truth to share, thank you.

It's been a long day here, my expwBPD has been after me, got me to break NC, then vanished again (for now). I feel bad about it but stuck to my beliefs as best I could. It showed me again how she acts out, twists things to her advantage, pretends to care just long enough to get a certain response and... How she Really Is. It's hard to face but helps me move on, as well. Had me really nervous for awhile though.

One thing I was thinking going through it was: The Good Times were Mine, too. If she doesn't want or need them anymore, that's on her. I can take from this whatever I choose, and if i remember the Good then so be it. That's just who I am. Not that I'll forget or even excuse the Bad, but, this is My life, and I'm living it for Myself. Not in a selfish way but realistically. And this dose of 'Real' lately has been feeling pretty good. I'm glad to be getting out of the negativity that had been going on with her.

[fen shui]

My soon to be XHBPD must have some memories. We had a r/s 15 yrs earlier & I found out he lied about being at work. I told him we were through and never saw him for all those years.
Two years ago I ran into him at a dance and didn't even recognize him. I saw him look at me and I looked back and I felt like I literally had been struck by lightening. I felt so attracted to him.He figured out who I was and came over to talk. He denied what had happened years before and I started questioning my previous judgement. He showed me his wallet (a birthday present from 15 yrs ago)and told me he never got over losing me. Has anyone else had an experience like that?
We did have some good times but there were many confusing issues as well. Right now he hates me and blames me for everything. I am the first of his victims who didn't get ripped-off because I took the initiative to end things to my advantage. 
It just makes me sick to think about how much I cared for him. He must be really hurting but I know if I give in, I might as well just jump off a cliff!
This does SUCK! I appreciate everyone's input and experience.

[1brokenwing]

AbusedbyBPD:  Does it matter? Would it change who she is, what she's done and what she's capable of doing?  It may be more useful at this point to make a big ole list of all the crappy times and stuff she did (may come in handy when you are tempted to break the sanctity of NC).   Romanticizing will only bring you to dark desperate places (yes I speak from experience).  Bring it back to YOU and YOUR experience.  YOU are the one we are here to support and I'm interested in YOUR experiences. I get it though, you want validation...and I agree that they will "remember" when they are going through a hard time with whoever they are with -so yea, we are not a constant in their mind and more of an object of convenience when they need a fix.  Good news is that at that point we are so called painted white.  Bad news is they will try to engage us and the whole bloody mindf#ck can very well begin again! So beware.  Also, one day you may look back and re-evaluate the relationship and redefine love.  Love shouldn't feel like we have laid ourselves at a person's alter to be soul raped. Just saying.

[patientandclear]

Love shouldn't feel like we have laid ourselves at a person's alter to be soul raped. Just saying.

Indeed.  I pledge here and now to remember that for the rest of my life.

[abusedbyBPD]

I guess I just have to not worry at this time.  I wish she was back in my life and i was her favorite once again. 

I can't make her love me and i can't make her feel anything she doesn't want to feel.

I feel so sorry for her.  She only want to be someone's number one.  When she was my number one she did not believe it and was still so sad.  I don't think she will ever find what she is looking for.

She id very pretty but does have 3 children - she is 37 and her kids are (20, 11, and 6).  She is a lot to handle and it will take a very special man, like me, to offer to take on all 4 of them.  She will probably find men to have sex with but long term keepers... I'm not sure she will ever find what she is searching for.

[BP39]

Abused. Sorry for the double post ,but as I read the post from this thread from u and others I see a very similar type of feeling as you do.myr/s was a long one 15 years countless breakups and many make ups and they all feel the same except for this one .yes I'm in major pain I hurt a lot we had many good times as she was always the apple of my eye.I would have done anything for her cause at times she was my everything just sweet a good mom a good wife and at times she was the total oppoisite. I know it hurts but what is helping me alittle is seeing her now and coming to this booard and seeing the exact same story from everyone its scary its like every member in here has lived with me and lived my r/s.this illness is real .if not now that you move on when.it never changes.you have to consider what they are capable of.
I have never in my life or could imagine she would and act the way she has in the last 4 months..me and my kids where going to move back to her home state where she was since dec.we visited her 4 times between then and march.well she fell in love with some guy she played poker with takes careof him finacilay and every other way .hasntseen her 2 kids with me since our last visit refuses to send any money to them has told I should be happy that she found someone that loves her ,sending me a pic of the guys neck with her name tattoed on it.and basically walked the hell out of me and the kids life ,calling each other husband and wife.the dam lady is still married to me disrespecting putting hm on the phone with me.15 looooooong years and I'm doormated like this.
Brother I know it hurts you let her back or crawl back into that web of hers it only gets worse...peace be strong and please don't be ajackass like my profile pic (that's why I have it I feel like the biggest jackass on earth to have put myself through this)

[SWLSR]

Most BPD's are conartist.  They remember what you thought was good times but they do not see them as good times just part of there game which we chose to play. 

[nomom4me]

A big tipping point for me was seeing extended family a year ago.  I am in my mid-30's and have had a strained relationship with my mother for most of it.  It has only been recently that I have given up, I used to structure "dates" with my mother so I could bring out her best side and avoid conversation.  I've taken her to trendy eateries and even movie premiers where we met celebrities.

The tipping point was that none of her relatives hear those stories, a cousin who is a budding actress had been told about a bad fallout from my last job in NYC years prior, but my mother hadn't mentioned our day at the movies with stars to the families little starlet.

I believe she will always focus either on the negative, or on her "hopes" (her projections).  I have seen a repeated pattern of my mother nearly disowning me when I am single and suddenly wanting back in my life when she sees me in a happy relationship.  Her "hopes" are beyond my control, and I am not going to shape my life around delusional projections when she pretends to have no knowledge of my prior successes and only shares the negatives with family.

[FriedaB]

Sad,  but  true...my  little  Chubbs,  played  me  like  a  fiddle...

[lastwave]

My BFF BPD/NPD remembers all the times I helped her out of crisis, and usually remembers, when another crisis is looming. In her mind I have some attributes that are useful to her.

[nomom4me]

My mom was a bit jealous of my relationship with my nephew, but she would remember me when she needed a last minute baby sitter.

I have health issues that have made me less useful to my mother in recent years, she is very focused on the fact that I don't drive.  I am on opiates, what am I going to do - drive to the hospital for a morphine shot?  It got to the point where my nephew was giving me sideways looks, crossing his arms and saying "you don't drive!". 

My mom clearly painted me black to a toddler, and I am supposed to drop what I am doing to watch him.  He used to adore me but now he is clearly conflicted, last time I saw him he kicked my boyfriend - hard.  I think he is confused about who really took me away from him.  He has been my biggest loss, and my sister could fix that if she felt like it.

[1brokenwing]

It got me to thinking if the BPD in my life remembers the good times. Let me break NC of 6 months, ruin my serenity and call him and find out. NOT!     

Rather put my tongue on a hot stove. 

[Sabine]

I think they do remember the 'good' times but they are distorted. Mine used to write letters and list all the good times we used to have. He always described the good times way different than how I remember them.

I think they remember the bad times and moments a lot less. They don't want to face the yucky stuff they did it becomes minimized and pushed aside. There's too much shame for them to handle.

That's how mine seemed anyway...

[Dera]

I think they remember the bad times and moments a lot less. They don't want to face the yucky stuff they did it becomes minimized and pushed aside. There's too much shame for them to handle.

That's how mine seemed anyway...

New thread: Do they remember the bad times? :P

[BewilderedBF]

Wow it really is so helpful to realize I'm not the only one who went through this...when I was being demonized/painted black I would just flat out ask "do you not remember a, b c and x, y z"  ?

You'd think I never did anything nice for my BPD ex-gf, when the opposite was true. 

[LoveNYC]

The "good times" we recall may have not been good for them.

He was often at his worst when I was happy, or immediately after.

He despised my happiness. I'm not sure why.

[Sabine]

The "good times" we recall may have not been good for them.

He was often at his worst when I was happy, or immediately after.

He despised my happiness. I'm not sure why.

Indeed. Mine had 'no room' for my happiness, good fortune, or achievements... he could only spend a 1/2 a second on my stuff (never really listened) then moved right into his stuff. The more I look back and think of him the more I shudder at the thought of us being a real couple or partnership. It was never that way... my happiness meant nothing to him, zero, zilch, nada.

[myself]

My exBPD didn't really hang onto the good times very long. They were more like an oasis in the middle of all the negativity. If I ever made a 'mistake' or did something 'wrong' (pretty stacked deck there, too, as we all know), she'd say all the Good just evaporated and it was back to zero. Start all over again (proving that I loved her, jump through the hoops). Things like photos that held good memories were also not of much importance to her. Bringing up the good times didn't get much of a response, but when she wanted to unleash the bad memories, that whole list was ALWAYS at the ready.

I think BPD keeps them from holding onto the good as they're always on the run from the bad. The bad takes over. The good gets left back there in the dust.

[abusedbyBPD]

I also hate that she held on to every hurt and just kept bringing them up.  She held grudges forever.  She would fight about things I did during the first couple months of the relationship that she felt were hurtful and made me pay for it a year later.  I could to 100 nice things but it only took one thing to hurt her to make her forget weeks and weeks of love and attention.

Also, the few things she always brought up were so petty to any non.  But to her they were earth shattering. 

Now during the breakup she can only continue to speak about those few hurtful times.  i can remind her of the 100's of acts of kindness but all she remembers is the petty bull sht stuff.

It's so frustrating.  I hate fighting with an adult child... I NEVER win.  I'm toooooo nice and tooooo good for her.

[lastwave]

JUST NOW ! My "BFF" BPD/NPD forgot in the period of a few hours that we had been having a decent conversation --again focused on her-- helping her deal with a work issue, and then following a meeting (where she sent me a text to get her some coffee--she was sitting next to the coffee and I was on the other side of the room) she walked right by me as if I wasn't even there and got in her car. She had plans with another woman and they were asking other men they knew to join them for dinner.

She didn't remember at all after a few hours...was she pi**ed because i didn't get her coffee? was she just pi**ed in general...there is no way to answer this because in her mind everyone is an object that has a function...I apparently don't have a go-to-dinner function when there are other objects available.--> She had a better source of supply for the evening so I was dispensable---she will call tonight or tomorrow morning as if nothing had happened-->and her reason for calling some made up Bullsh*t to cover the fact that she needs her supply and no one is available except me...THIS IS HOW THEY ARE--they can't help it...they don't even think about how their behaviors might affect others and they don't have good memories...

it is two hours later and she has text-ed twice and is calling in a few minutes--hilarious !

[LoveNYC]

JUST NOW ! My "BFF" BPD/NPD forgot in the period of a few hours that we had been having a decent conversation --again focused on her-- helping her deal with a work issue, and then following a meeting (where she sent me a text to get her some coffee--she was sitting next to the coffee and I was on the other side of the room) she walked right by me as if I wasn't even there and got in her car. She had plans with another woman and they were asking other men they knew to join them for dinner.

She didn't remember at all after a few hours...was she pi**ed because i didn't get her coffee? was she just pi**ed in general...there is no way to answer this because in her mind everyone is an object that has a function...I apparently don't have a go-to-dinner function when there are other objects available.--> She had a better source of supply for the evening
 so I was dispensable---she will call tonight or tomorrow morning as if nothing had happened-->and her reason for calling some made up Bullsh*t to cover the fact that she needs her supply and no one is available except me...THIS IS HOW THEY ARE--they
 can't help it...they don't even think about how their behaviors might affect others and they don't have good memories...

it is two hours later and she has text-ed twice and is calling in a few minutes--hilarious

!

Will you answer?


Have you considered NC?

How can you escape from this toxic relationship?

[lastwave]

Will you answer?

Yes. I'm not ready to not take the call

Have you considered NC?

I have tried it and i can only make it two days so far

How can you escape from this toxic relationship?

my awareness about the abusive nature of this relationship is growing and now I can "see" when events like tonight are taking place and am not sweeping under the rug--emotionally. I'm hoping that my growing awrenss will lead to the strength to go NC.

[goinbonkers]

oh they do remember the good times.  just not for very long or consistent.  welcome to the land of pwBPD.

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