How not to confuse validation with compliments, praise, picking fights

[Think About It...]

So I have got better a validating with my uBPDw.  I know that validating works best in combination with other tools, but I have had this problem...

Am issue, a problem, or rages comes up.

I  validate...  Thats stinks... that co-worker was rude... you did take care of a lot my yourself...

This is my question,  my uBPDw then thinks I am agreeing with her, the next time the issue come up.

I then hear later her the following from my wife...

You agreed with me that last time!
You should have knew better!
Why do you feel differently now than the last time!

[Mike76]

So I have got better a validating with my uBPDw.  I know that validating works best in combination with other tools, but I have had this problem...

Am issue, a problem, or rages comes up.

I  validate...  Thats stinks... that co-worker was rude... you did take care of a lot my yourself...

This is my question,  my uBPDw then thinks I am agreeing with her, the next time the issue come up.

I then hear later her the following from my wife...

You agreed with me that last time!
You should have knew better!
Why do you feel differently now than the last time!

[eeyore]

I think it helps to preface with so to reiterate what I heard you say, you said ______________, did I hear that correctly?  Then if I don't agree after I have said that I stay silent.  In your example validating that someone else was rude then, I would have made the conclusion that person was rude not just say it to repeat what s/he said.

[united for now]

I guess i'm confused  ?

If you are validating her emotions - not her facts - then it doesn't matter how many times she discusses it. Her emotions are still  relevant,  even if the facts change.

Unless you are only trying to prevent a rage and not really working to empathize? Cause if don't understand, don't just validate. Ask questions to help you understand her feelings..

If you have an example, that would help

[briefcase]

You want to make sure you aren't using the "me too!" method of validation when you don't agree with the the facts that are driving the emotion.  It can get tricky.  And, it can lead to misunderstandings and sound like agreement, where there really is none.  

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