fears of being alone

[Think About It...]

SORRY FOR VENTING IN ADVANCE:
Doing things for myself, trying to put me first,(AS SUGGESTED) is really F***ng hard emotionally. I feel all alone... ...her friends are going overboard to fix her up, get her a BF while I'm sitting in my lab with my computer, getting work done and starting some new project--all alone in my lab. If I let go of the caretaking that I do I will be replaced instantly (like losing the only friend I have-->not true btw)...

I've allowed my r/s with her to be my life for the past year, and I fear that letting go of what I think our r/s is, will leave me abandoned--and therefore not worthy of any companionship or even worse, on the  outside of all those I see who enjoy intimate relationships (she will be in a relationship in a NY minute hahaha but still continues to use personal pronouns when we are talking to each other...we are doing this..., we need to..., let's go......lets hang out)...So I have my lab and work to look forward to and that sucks...

I know keep putting one foot in front of the other but part of me thinks this is a big trick---so I will et boundaries, put myself first, stop being a caretaker and basically walk away with nowhere to go...(sigh)

[lastwave]

SORRY FOR VENTING IN ADVANCE:
Doing things for myself, trying to put me first,(AS SUGGESTED) is really F***ng hard emotionally. I feel all alone... ...her friends are going overboard to fix her up, get her a BF while I'm sitting in my lab with my computer, getting work done and starting some new project--all alone in my lab. If I let go of the caretaking that I do I will be replaced instantly (like losing the only friend I have-->not true btw)...

I've allowed my r/s with her to be my life for the past year, and I fear that letting go of what I think our r/s is, will leave me abandoned--and therefore not worthy of any companionship or even worse, on the  outside of all those I see who enjoy intimate relationships (she will be in a relationship in a NY minute hahaha but still continues to use personal pronouns when we are talking to each other...we are doing this..., we need to..., let's go......lets hang out)...So I have my lab and work to look forward to and that sucks...

I know keep putting one foot in front of the other but part of me thinks this is a big trick---so I will et boundaries, put myself first, stop being a caretaker and basically walk away with nowhere to go...(sigh)

[momtario]

This is why it's important to start treating yourself properly. Get in contact with your other friends a bit more often, because you are letting this friendship change your views about yourself. You are worthy of friendships. And relationships. She just may not be the right person for that need. If she can't handle you not waiting around forever, that's her issue to deal with.

[lastwave]

This is why it's important to start treating yourself properly. Get in contact with your other friends a bit more often, because you are letting this friendship change your views about yourself. You are worthy of friendships. And relationships. She just may not be the right person for that need. If she can't handle you not waiting around forever, that's her issue to deal with.

Thanks MTO !

Well there is are three new twists, two of which happened just now. Lying and blowing me off because a better offer came along. We were suppose to have an afternoon at the pool and an early dinner with special steaks I bought. She called this morning and she said she was sorry she really wanted to spend the day and have dinner but was sick and staying in today. The one of her friends tagged her in a photo a a "lunch bakery" about 30 minutes ago. Lying and blowing me off because something that gave her more attention came along.

The 3rd new twist is that I am pissed...Actually REALLY PISSED...

[Steph]

 So...how about finding someone else to share those steaks and pool time with?

get your friends reactivated and make it happen for you.

yea, she lied...indeed.

   A full life makes alot of sense, for all of us. When we allow one person to be our everything, things fall apart. I think you are seeing that now.

What steps can you take to change this?

Steph

[lastwave]

Steph thanks !

So...how about finding someone else to share those steaks and pool time with?

I couldn't find anybody free that evening...she really told me too late that she was ill. AND this was the second cancellation as were suppose to BBQ on Monday night but she 'forgot' and had to support another friend of hers...so Wednesday was already a compromise.--The timing to ask others was bad so I BBQ one steak and froze the other.

get your friends reactivated and make it happen for you.

I am starting to reach out and have plans that don't include her for the remaining weekends this month and into July

yea, she lied...indeed.

She called me at 5:30 Wednesday afternoon and I could tell something was up. I did not confront her about the picture on FB immediately but she lead or dragged our conversation that direction and I finally said "...i hope you enjoyed the cupcakes (without sarcasm)..." and she swore that she was not there that the person who posted the pic and tagged her was teasing her because it is her favorite bakery...blah blah blah...She knew I had seen the posted pic and was certain I was upset and defending herself before I even had a chance to mention this. I don't know what really happened--typically if she is with people and they are at a nice place her picture is always in the post. This time her picture was not in the post just the cupcakes. I don't know what to believe but she was very proactive in her own defense.

A full life makes a lot of sense, for all of us. When we allow one person to be our everything, things fall apart. I think you are seeing that now.

yes i have made her my world..but only time she is dependable is when she needs something..when it is just some time together the seems to always change.

What steps can you take to change this?

1. To avoid being disappointed I wont make any more plans with here other than routine seeing her at meetings or other activities we are both invited too (like tonight)-->no plans, no expectations, no disappointments.
2. Broaden my world...add more people and rely on her less...
3. I am worth more than the cupcake she blew me off for...

[lastwave]

yea, she lied...indeed
Steph

What is the point of lying? We are just close friends...is she trying to spare me disappointment? She frequently is telling half truths and lying by omission. Is lying something that just "comes with territory?"

[lastwave]

I am slowy starting to understand that when my BFF-BPD/NPD suggest a plan or activity she doesn't mean it...it is just bait to keep me in place as her source of supply. When the time comes for the activity or event to take place any other plan or activity she can do will be first and the plan we had discarded...when she says something she believes it (thus not lying) and as soon as she says it it basically vanishes due to circumstances out of her control...she has to take care of her friends, or as the case yesterday stating that she needed to work all day and then got nothing done because of her friends...so today she has to get caught up.

My strategy, to avoid disappointment,  is twofold, first just nod my head and agree to anything she plans KNOWING that the plan will never materialize, and second to  not change my plans to accommodate her since her plan never materializes.

[BDFriend]

lastwave, the same thing happened to me.  It took me six months to figure it out what was happening.  My BPD/NPD would plan things with me then "take a nap" and sleep through the thing we were supposed to do, or "forget".

I had planned on taking him to a show that he wanted to go to. The night we were supposed to go, his nap lasted a bit too long said his text.  I received his text while I was already at the event waiting on him to arrive. I had to pay for and rearrange schedules because that was the only night that "worked for him."  We could have gone for free the next night, as I had free tickets for that night.  Those tickets were given to someone else and I had to pay for tickets for the night that "worked for him."

Not only was he a no show.  He went the very next night (the night that would NOT work for him) to the same show for free with someone else plastering it all over facebook.

All I could think about was I sat there alone the night before, and paid $80.00 for an event that could have been free.  Never ever again..

That's only one small sample, but was the icing on the cake.

[lastwave]

 Hi! BD Friend

lastwave, the same thing happened to me.  It took me six months to figure it out what was happening.  My BPD/NPD would plan things with me then "take a nap" and sleep through the thing we were supposed to do, or "forget".

Yes we are having similar experiences and for the past 2 weeks i am 2/10 two plans came off and 8 didnt materialize.The good thing about it for me--this time--is that I am beginning to see how I changed my plans,and put off my responsibilities, to accommodate my BFF FBPD/NPD but she can change her mind (no commitment) when we have plans.

I am trying to learn how to say NO if I have something else I need to do or would rather do and to accept the fact that when she makes plans with me the chances are those plans aren't going to happen.

[waverider]

My BPD partner constantly makes plans, and breaks them, almost on an hourly basis. When she makes them she means it, but it's almost like constant splitting things of a pro, sets plans in concrete, then things of a con, cancels. Then a pro, cancels, and so it yo yo's. End of the day she is wired to act on impulse and does what her mood takes her right there and then, hang the consequences and any inconvenience to others. A lack of empathy. A lifetime of this has taught her to just flow out the little white lies,and 'gaslighting' techniques. There are no boundaries between the cover ups and reality. It is all her reality, to act otherwise and she will be rejected (though this behaviour ultimately results in rejection). She either has to bluff her way through life or be exposed for being self centered

[lastwave]

My BPD partner constantly makes plans, and breaks them, almost on an hourly basis. When she makes them she means it, but it's almost like constant splitting things of a pro, sets plans in concrete, then things of a con, cancels. Then a pro, cancels, and so it yo yo's. End of the day she is wired to act on impulse and does what her mood takes her right there and then, hang the consequences and any inconvenience to others. A lack of empathy. A lifetime of this has taught her to just flow out the little white lies,and 'gaslighting' techniques. There are no boundaries between the cover ups and reality. It is all her reality, to act otherwise and she will be rejected (though this behaviour ultimately results in rejection). She either has to bluff her way through life or be exposed for being self centered

Thanks for sharing this it helps me feel like my situation is NOT unique. All that you shared is right on with my experiences. Plans with my BFF fBPD/NPD are a moving target and I am having difficulty adjusting. I'm afraid to make other plans (for insurance) when she and I have a plan but I'm  going to have to learn how to do this and to say no "I have other plans."
I did this today already and have mixed feelings--good I stood up for myself--bad I let her down...she does not experience the " letting him down..." piece.

[lastwave]

My BFF BPD/NPD is close to the edge of exploding as she calls it. She is under a lot of financial stress with the imminent move to her new apartment coming in to weeks. In this period she seems to be dissing more and more people (not me so far as I know--other than continually breaking plans.) According to her at this moment everybody has major flaws --meanwhile she continues to procrastinate about settling down and working (self-employed) preferring instead to have lunches with her friends then complains about how many demands they place on her. Men that she was  friendly with (flirting) are now seen as sexual predators, rude and disrespectful towards her.  In fact one man in particular--married (says he is getting a divorce), rich, and a chronic alcohol abuser--is letting her know he is interested in her. She has particularly harsh things to say about him.

1.  I wonder how much of what she says about others and their character defects are HER PROJECTIONS about herself? People that she was  friendly with (flirting) are now seen as sexual predators, rude and disrespectful towards her. 
2. Since some of the  men were acquaintances of mine is she trying to alienate me from them?
3. Is she looking at the rich drunk as a potential rescuer from her financial stress?

Meanwhile I am walking on eggshells...she has asked me to help with better time management...but I am afraid that is a set up for her to tell me I am criticizing her... and will forget she asked me for the help...

[BDFriend]

lastwave  Hi!

It my past experience, projection happened a whole lot.  And your BFF BPD/NPD may be "attracted to" the alcoholic because the alcoholic may suffer from codependency issues.

Through my therapy I have learned (knew it all along) that I'm an empath and have my own codependency issues.  From what I have learned, codependents and pwBPD are "magnets" for one another.  And, my bond with my pwBPD/NPD was very very intense.  It still is.  I can literally "feel" him it's so intense.