communication better although space

[Think About It...]

after the verbal abuse/raging/throwing things incident, i was pretty shaken.  i think i have been checked out.  in the last day or 2, i have been coming back to my body, and really sad, and also really looking at my part (which my sponsor and therapist warn against too much given the abusive situation).  also, i have been feeling lots of compassion for my bf and what he has gone through.

i have been reading the lessons and i really need to learn to take a time out or ask for a time out.

anyway. i texted him that

i was staying away as i wanted to avoid more hatred and harmful name calling. that i was wrong for engaging at that time.  that i felt for him feeling traumatzed all the time (this is what he told me on sat), that i loved him and missed him and was just letting him know what was happening for me and connecting, and to please not respond with more harmful words.

he texted back last night, that

he was trying to figure out what to do next with his therapist and that he was going to stay away until then, and he would contact me within 2 weeks, and that i was right that he should not yell at me,  and that "you have no relationship obligation to me at this time, i am just focusing on working and trying to figure out what to do."

i felt like we both had different, healthier interactions than we have in the past.

and even though i know why he said "you have no oblgations to me.." it still hurt and sent my head spinning, just for a minute, but still.  (when he has diappeared or "broken in off" i have told him later than i did not know what to do, or what his intentions were or how long i should wait, and that men do ask me out and he always says he knows he is holding me back and that if i want to , i should date as he knows i want to get married and he has not been ready. so i know/think he was just "lookin out for me")  ugh.

i know to most people, they might think/say, OH, he said that as HE is not being obligated and is being with other people, but that is why he said
"i am just working and trying to figure out what to do next"

my head and stomach just responded to that, and i feel uncomfortable.  even though i know him very well, and he does not want to date or be sexual with anyone else.

(btw, he has said this stuff for years, and it does not mean we are broken up..we are "staying")

i texted back "ok.  i am in a similar place.  i met with my therpist and she suggested we go to individual therapy and couples counseling, which i am open to. how do you feel about that? i am working on my stuff/part and i do feel fear and i feel stuck about us. my therapist said she is quite confident this can all be worked through with dedicated therapy on both our parts."

no response yet..

i am still feeling afraid of him, but it is lessening.  i am committed to him but i do have thoughts about is this what i really want to work with/on for years and years..can i handle this..do i want to...

i just wanted to get this out and share it.

does the interaction seem healthy? could i have done anything better?

thanks..

[wdone]

after the verbal abuse/raging/throwing things incident, i was pretty shaken.  i think i have been checked out.  in the last day or 2, i have been coming back to my body, and really sad, and also really looking at my part (which my sponsor and therapist warn against too much given the abusive situation).  also, i have been feeling lots of compassion for my bf and what he has gone through.

i have been reading the lessons and i really need to learn to take a time out or ask for a time out.

anyway. i texted him that

i was staying away as i wanted to avoid more hatred and harmful name calling. that i was wrong for engaging at that time.  that i felt for him feeling traumatzed all the time (this is what he told me on sat), that i loved him and missed him and was just letting him know what was happening for me and connecting, and to please not respond with more harmful words.

he texted back last night, that

he was trying to figure out what to do next with his therapist and that he was going to stay away until then, and he would contact me within 2 weeks, and that i was right that he should not yell at me,  and that "you have no relationship obligation to me at this time, i am just focusing on working and trying to figure out what to do."

i felt like we both had different, healthier interactions than we have in the past.

and even though i know why he said "you have no oblgations to me.." it still hurt and sent my head spinning, just for a minute, but still.  (when he has diappeared or "broken in off" i have told him later than i did not know what to do, or what his intentions were or how long i should wait, and that men do ask me out and he always says he knows he is holding me back and that if i want to , i should date as he knows i want to get married and he has not been ready. so i know/think he was just "lookin out for me")  ugh.

i know to most people, they might think/say, OH, he said that as HE is not being obligated and is being with other people, but that is why he said
"i am just working and trying to figure out what to do next"

my head and stomach just responded to that, and i feel uncomfortable.  even though i know him very well, and he does not want to date or be sexual with anyone else.

(btw, he has said this stuff for years, and it does not mean we are broken up..we are "staying")

i texted back "ok.  i am in a similar place.  i met with my therpist and she suggested we go to individual therapy and couples counseling, which i am open to. how do you feel about that? i am working on my stuff/part and i do feel fear and i feel stuck about us. my therapist said she is quite confident this can all be worked through with dedicated therapy on both our parts."

no response yet..

i am still feeling afraid of him, but it is lessening.  i am committed to him but i do have thoughts about is this what i really want to work with/on for years and years..can i handle this..do i want to...

i just wanted to get this out and share it.

does the interaction seem healthy? could i have done anything better?

thanks..

[Steph]

   Sometimes, it takes space for us...and our partners...to heal.

  My H actually left me about 2 years into DBT, to get healthy without the stressors of our marriage. It worked. I got well, as well, during that time.

 He, hopefully, is going to concentrate on his own issues and likewise, I hope you do, as well.

  Making yourself the prioroty...as opposed to him or the r/s, seems mandatory. For both of you. He needs space to heal and so do you.


Steph

[briefcase]

It sounds like you are on the right path, with a good therapist.  Keep us posted!   

[wdone]

thanks, briefcase!

well.  i was reeeally missing my bf today and praying for God to help me to be ok not seeing him and was making calling some friends to help distract and fill the lonely feelings and of course, we pass each other driving.  as we always do (run into each other like magnets, especially when we are "taking space" or haven't talked). 

he was in the woman's car, the one we had the argument over. ..did i mention this?  one reason he dyregulated and freaked out sat, is because we had just negotiated a balance/an agreement about his friend, a woman, giving him her car to use indefinetley.  she had also recently given him an I-touch and also asked him to move in with her. 

SO.  i was pretty detached and patient about the whole thing and i prayed about it for a month or two, talked to my sponsor, wrote about it, explored my motives and feelings and my bf and i had some good talks about it. 

i felt/feel that it is totally inappropriate for another woman to be giving him all this stuff and he admitted his relationship with her was pretty messy and that neither of them had good bondaries. but he still wanted the car.

his car has been breaking down, and friday he said regardless of how i feel, he is getting the car.

he slept over, i slept on it and woke up and told him i was not comfortable with her being in his life or our lives at all even, but that i was trying to be flexible and how about we agree that i will at least take him, go with him, to get the car and asked how he felt about not spending alone time with her anymore, given the admitted flirting and inappropriateness...

he agreed that we would go together and he seemed calm and fine, and i was happy we had at least agreed to something and had an adult talk about it. but then he started acting all weird. 

it was a few hours later, when we were going to go get the car, that he started being sarcastic and then threw things and screamed at me over and over.

SO, today, i passed him, driving her car.

and i felt so much love for him, and really missed him more, and we smiled and waved, and i couldn't stop myself and i called him...and he did not answer...

i re-read his text, and how it said "right now, i am staying away from you until i know what to do"

so, should i not have called him?

it is so strange, seeing him, passing him, loving him, having had a great few solid weeks together, and then he doesnt pick up the phone.

was i wrong?

please be gentle with me if so...i am feeling humiliated and sad.

[wdone]

also, just to clarify, he went to get the car by himself as i was too upset to go (probably his plan with the raging).

and my therapist says she is just a buffer for his intimacy issues, that she has known many men with these issues who have a female friend that they are inappropriate with and they simply serve as a (inappropriate) buffer, and a way for the man to stay in the relationship. if he did not have her friendship, it would be harder for him to stay with me, hence him raging and getting so afraid at the thought of not having the buffer...

[momtario]

Does this woman know about you? It seems beyond inappropriate for her to have invited him to live with her. The car, and the other stuff, she could just have enough to share...

But, I would be terribly concerned after he manipulated you into not going with him to get the car, and after telling you he had a messed up r/s that involved flirting and bad boundaries with her, AND, she asked him to live with her... and, he said he needed to figure out what he wanted to do.

I could be reading the situation all wrong- I am not having the best day, which has left me suspicious and cranky. This is how I see it, though.

So, what do YOU want? You clearly love him. I think you were not wrong to try to reach out, and I think he was not wrong to maintain his distance while he felt it's what he needed. Everyone has to do what feels right, and it sounds like you both did.

[wdone]

thanks..

about a month after we started dating, we each invited a friend to meet us at a theatre one night. i invited a gay guy friend of mine and he invited her.  so , did meet her almost 5 years ago. i have seen her twice during times my bf has disappeared and she has approached me and asked how we were and how he was, saying she had not talked to him recently.  about a year ago, the three of us ended up sitting at a cafe together and i remember feeling like she was a bit flirty but i was not at all threatened by her.  she is older than me, and him, and not all that attractive but def. uses her "sex" as one way to manipulate.
they actually both told me the story of how they tried to "hook up" when they were roomates 10 years ago, and how they were like brother/sister and it did not work. kind of weird. i never really questioned their friednhsip or felt threatened or jealous.
when i asked him to move out, they started to spend more time together.  he told me this last week when i said i intuitively felt like something was messy.  he said she has always been there to help him ie offer him a place to stay, loan him her computer, etc. he said it was at it's core, innocent but that he knows they use each other and are co-dependent. he said she needs him to support her emotionally. 
and actually, she was dating a good friedn of my bf's and that guy moved in with here for a while until he relapses and she calls my bf a lot asking for advice, support and help. 
she has no boundaries.
yeah, i don't like it at all.
and for some reason, i do trust that there is nothing more. but i do think it is grose and weird.
thanks for validating that we were both not wrong in the situation today.
i don't know what i want.
i felt so stupid today seeing him in her car. i don't know if that is just pride, or what.
yuk

[momtario]

The way that you felt- that weird, gross feeling you got- is pretty reasonable.

I am glad you know the situation with them well enough to know there is nothing more going on.  

[Steph]

 Yea, the weird feeling seems pretty appropriate.

I dont know many women who would be ok simply accepting what he is trying to hand off to you r/t this woman with no boundaries.

A car, an Iphone and a place to live?

  Its so sad that he recognizes this, as well as your therapist, as a dysfuctional coping tool, yet he hangs on and on.

Steph

[wdone]

thank you for the validation. it made me feel stronger. for a few days anyway.  ;p

i broke down and sent my bf a text today, just asking how he is feeling, and saying i miss the good parts of us, and that i am working on boundaries and having more awareness, and asked if he was closer to wanting to chat or hang out or see the couples counselor...no response. am i crazy?

i just miss him so much.  the good sweet man. 

it hurts a lot.

i made myself go out to the gym yesterday and i went out with friends last night.

i am going out with a friend tonight.

but i don't want to at all. i am so depressed and just want to stay in bed.  i know some of this is chemical, some is PTSD, some is grief, some is just missing him..but i need support, just wanted to reach out. 

wondering if he is going to split town, or if he is like some others i read about on here, and wonder if he will start seeing someone else, or if he will come back like he alwys has.

this is a tough relationship to have  ?

[Steph]

 hang on...get thru this without seeking him out to medicate.

When you get the impulse to contact him, recognize it. Even right it down...and then do nothing about it. Its simply an emotional urge, and its perfecty fine to allow it to pass.

  Reality says he doesnt want contact. Can you honor that?

I am glad you are doing something different and getting out with others. Keep going thru the motions, as you withdraw...and those hours and days add up, and you will emerge stronger on the other side.

  Are you journaling? if not, consider going out and buying yourself a beautiful new journal and nice pen, and invest in yourself this way..then use it.

Observe your emotions and write them down. Where do you feel them? How? How strong?


Steph

Steph

[wdone]

hang on...get thru this without seeking him out to medicate.

When you get the impulse to contact him, recognize it. Even right it down...and then do nothing about it. Its simply an emotional urge, and its perfecty fine to allow it to pass.

  Reality says he doesnt want contact. Can you honor that?

I am glad you are doing something different and getting out with others. Keep going thru the motions, as you withdraw...and those hours and days add up, and you will emerge stronger on the other side.

  Are you journaling? if not, consider going out and buying yourself a beautiful new journal and nice pen, and invest in yourself this way..then use it.

Observe your emotions and write them down. Where do you feel them? How? How strong?


Steph

Steph

thank you..
i do have a journal but have not used it in a long time, partly as i am afraid he will read it.  but yes, i will take your suggestion and write again...
i am at  pretty desperate place again and willing to do anything that may help.  i keep telling myself, he always comes back, and this too shall pass, and to work on myself, but then moments hit me, where i think

how do *i* feel about him taking her car?
how am i with his raging and verbal abuse and disappearing?

and then i think, too

is he going to go away this time for real?
has he already moved away?
are we over this time?

all these thoughts lead to panic and i have been having severe anxiety, so uncomfortable. so awful. i got no sleep last night as i was having nightmares all night about him leaving, and being sneaky and coming to get his stuff out of the house while i am not here..
i think it goes back to my ex dying. (i know it's not rational but) i felt so betrayed.  like he just "left"...
and i am sure it goes back further than that, to childhood, etc..

thanks steph.

[wdone]

needing to check in! i am really struggling!

no word from my bf and wondering what is going on.  i am going into all kinds of stories in my head, and also hating the not knowing, AGAIN. this merry go round, ugh!  i wonder if i am getting so sick of it, i could make changes? friends have said they have no idea how i have dealt with this for so long, and i am starting to see what they mean. i just had a friend tell me my "tolerance for pain is very high."

i guess there's a few things happening:

i am anxious about waiting, and wondering what decision HE is going to make

i am wondering if something is going on, like him with another woman (his friend sexually or something)

i feel stupid and my pride is affected.

i feel used and put on the shelf

i want to be WITH my partner, i want a partner who is here, and consistent

i have guilt and regret about kicking him out, i swear, he is still getting me back for that.

i am lonely for him, for a partner.

i am having fear and thoughts about my future, how i want a baby/family and worried it won't happen if i keep waiting, or even if i do, with him

i keep remembering things that have happened between us and getting resentful ie when he went out with his co worker for new years eve and blew me off. and the distance we have makes me look at all the awful things he has done, and it's weird to admit but i think i realized that that's partly why i don't like the space, as i have to really look at reality or the past...

i miss him

[Steph]

 Let go.

He is doing whatever it is he is doing.

He has put you thru this hell and more, many many times.

A tolerance for emotional pain is NOT a good thing, btw...it keeps us victims and martyrs. It does NOT make you strong.

A healthy, happy r/s, on the other hand, can build up and support and bring joy and love. Mutual goals are goals that are achieved together. Its much, much nicer, even in the hard times, I can tell you with cerainty.

Steph

 

[Special thanks to our sponsors!]

Special thanks to our sponsors! Keeping us on the air in 2013 Pay it forward Here
	123Phoebe 1989 1bravegirl 20years 23tesla 5keepers Alastor alf aluminumRob Amber3 ambi AmericanTemplar an0ught Arecibo armsreach Arthur artman.1 At_Bay Auspicious aussie mumma Aussieman babyducks Bananas bb12 beachgirl009 BeenReplaced BeenThereB4 BehindTheWall Being Mindful Belka berry Blazing Star BlueTiffany BradyK briefcase cal644 CalledaPerson Cannon captain4464 cbas cfh charred chayka Chosen Cici cindyr cleotokos Cmjo CodependentHusband ComoLu ComplexOpus Conundrum coworkerfriend Cumulus dauada David Dare daze deelee950 dharmagems Dire Wolf dusk eac elessar eniale Exonerated eyvindr faithfull fakename findingmyselfagain Firequelcher flatspin Forgetmenot Free One freshlySane fromheeltoheal Gbirdmom GeekyGirl goldylamont goodguy gottafixit Grammy17201 griz GustheDog Healing4Ever heartandwhole Her Mother heronbird heyhey hijodeganas hithere hopeforhealing How do I do This? HowPredictable Hunter56 Hurt llama Hurtbad Inspirationneeded isshebpd Jai Yen jalbright jaleo2000 jargon337 jb1 jessienbp JetsFan joanlee johnnyonthespot jordana418 Joseph54 just me. Kate4queen keepwalking keldubs78 kellygirl601 Kelsie Kewahkah kimberlysc knowing laelle lbjnltx Leaf livefreebpdfamily loved_her? LoveNotWar LP luckyduck LuckyEscapee LuvMontana Major_Dad mamachelle MammaMia mango_flower maria1 maryy16 meditator Memorial Donation (11) mggt michaelwriting midori0 Mightyhammers Millie12 MomsBestFriendNoMore Moorpark Mountaineagle mp2? Mr Mom... mymiracles MySanctuary Nelson1962 newlyhopeful nomoredrama71 nonhere NorthernGirl nothinleft NotTheMama NYCgirl NY-LON Odysseus. Oldsoldier2411 OnceConfused ontherox opheliasmom Orange patientandclear Patty peaceplease peppie Phoenix.Rising pinkpeony PrettyPlease Pugman Rapt Reader really refuge rethinking RiseUp rj47 Robhart rockman Rocky777 Rockylove rogerroger rollercoaster24 Rose1 Sabine saddle_tramp SadWifeofBPD SailMonkey salvia Sancho scallops Scarlet Phoenix schwing scraps66 screechowl seahorse Seb sfgirl skinny13 somuchlove southernsis splitinga still around strangerinparadise StrongEnough struggli stupafly Sullyone Surnia susanleona swampped T. Moore tailspin Take2 Tess Russell Thursday TigerEye Tippy toliveistofly Tracy62 Triptoes tryingtohelp tuum est61 twojaybirds upsidedown VeryScared vfsdan Vindi vivekananda waitaminute WalrusGumboot Want2know watersedge waverider wee_one whatshappening whiletheseasonspass whirlpoollife whitemouse Wimowe winston72 wishingwell17 withBPD WorkingOnIt worn_out WrongWoman wuzdownandgetnbetter yamada yeeter
	If you made a donation and your name does not appear on this list or here , please contact us so that we can confirm that the payment was properly credited to BPDFamily.
	Pay it forward Here