How do we take care of our selves?

[Think About It...]

It will feel selfish,  and our partners will call us selfish. They will accuse us of not loving them. This its where your validation skills mix with your boundaries in taking cared of what you value...

Of course, I 'want' to be viewed as an unselfish person - especially by my loved ones.

So how do we know what unselfish looks like?  (after all, perception is reality and if our closest loved ones feel we are selfish then at least in their mind, we are). 

Just pointing out that this is where the real rubber meets the road.  We have to changed our external feedback sources to include a broader range of individuals.  Simply self monitoring and 'knowing' internally - isnt really balanced either.  We learn to understand these limits via external feedback (often when growing up) - but over time develop a sense of ourselves in the world so that we no longer need as much third party validation.

But after being torn down for years, it needs a reset and discovery once again, of where the lines are.  Interaction with friends, family, colleagues, other people that are able to provide some perspective that is genuinely balanced is a critical part of this.

[yeeter]

It will feel selfish,  and our partners will call us selfish. They will accuse us of not loving them. This its where your validation skills mix with your boundaries in taking cared of what you value...

Of course, I 'want' to be viewed as an unselfish person - especially by my loved ones.

So how do we know what unselfish looks like?  (after all, perception is reality and if our closest loved ones feel we are selfish then at least in their mind, we are). 

Just pointing out that this is where the real rubber meets the road.  We have to changed our external feedback sources to include a broader range of individuals.  Simply self monitoring and 'knowing' internally - isnt really balanced either.  We learn to understand these limits via external feedback (often when growing up) - but over time develop a sense of ourselves in the world so that we no longer need as much third party validation.

But after being torn down for years, it needs a reset and discovery once again, of where the lines are.  Interaction with friends, family, colleagues, other people that are able to provide some perspective that is genuinely balanced is a critical part of this.

[yeeter]

Briefcase: That's an awesome post about the black hole in the back yard.  Thanks for putting that out there...it really paints a picture.  I threw just about everything I had down in that hole for 14 years before starting my recovery in 2011.  Making an effort now not to throw anything else down there and thinking about which items to prioritize as I start to pull some things back up out of that hole.

Im with you wrong turn.  One of the best posts ever. 

Along with the one a while back about running into a house that is engulfed in fire, and getting upset at the HOUSE because it is in flames.

Im saving them both.

[JimNelson89]

Early on UFN gave a list to consider.  I pull it up from time to time as a reality check, but I think its a great start for anyone!

Mental health:

a) do you have your own T who understand BPD?  NO

b) Do you have a spiritual group that you feel safe with that is relaxing?  NO

c) do you have IRL support groups/classes (like NAMI) to go to to help you understand how to live with mental illness?  NO

d) Do you have good relaxation technique/ opportunity for a certain period every day?  NO

e) do you take "mini breaks" where you go out with your kids, or friends or family,or alone WITHOUT her for half a day or so? Any mini vacations, like an overnight?  1/2 yes, overnight NO

So, how do you rate ?  think you can find places to improve your situation? What if you could mae a schedule that accounted for no one but you? what would it look like?

Yes on everything except the mental part.

It is unclear to me, how I should take care of myself.

[Sensitive Man]

Indeed, having a BPD SO can be extremely emotionally draining. The way my BPDw helps is that she wants her space almost all the time, whether she is at work or in our house. As for me personally, I take care of myself by getting together with friends, family, and people in the community. Also, I go to movies a lot. Also, I have done some writing and publishing. So, all this has helped me and thus others. Nevertheless, as far as my relationship with my BPDw, it's very bad, to say the least. In fact, I am at the point that I told her already that we are two entities in the same household, which she didn't like, but she essentially agreed. My counselor suggested, and I am going to ask her, if she wishes still to be married to me, because this is not a marriage. In fact, it is not even a relationship. It is sad and very draining. She doesn't know how to be in a relationship.