Not sure if a worthy post

[Think About It...]

Its the end of the school year and this comes with various alumni events.  This includes a get together with dinner/drinks from my grad school class (and other classes).  Maybe 6 or 10 of my classmates will be there that I havent seen in a while.

So I plan on going.  I mentioned this to my wife and her first response was to ask if 'she should go also' - and get a sitter.

Truth of the matter is, I know it will be more enjoyable (for me) if she doesnt go.  But she also knows some of these people so would enjoy seeing them again as well.

I tried to respond neutrally:  If you want to go, its fine and spouses are welcome.  She pressed me on whether I 'wanted' her to go with me. 

I couldnt answer yes (in honestly).  I was afraid of the reaction if I said no (the last time something like this happened and I said no it resulted in a 15 month ban from the bedroom). 

I simply stated again that 'its entirely up to you, if you want to go you can'.

I could tell she wanted me to tell her I wanted her to go.  But I didnt (and couldnt - if I were to be honest).  (there are reasons for this... it wont allow me to have a conversation without her dominating it all, and also requires work to make it all go smoothly (leaving a certain time, where to park, getting home by certain hour, etc)

We let it drop and to my knowledge she isnt going.  (this time it didnt blow up, it didnt cause deregulation, and was a non event - which in and of itself is a breakthrough!)  But she can go if she wants (and Im not going to wig if she does - it will be fine and I will manage the evening just fine even with her there).

But its weird.  I really dont enjoy doing things with her.  And am not at all comfortable saying this.  But saying that I DO, feels dishonest.  So its another form of tip toeing.  And my response was really about avoidance of conflict.  (but this is the mode I am in - stop making things worse - and engagement seems to equal conflict so to reduce conflict means reducing engagement).

I wonder if I shouldnt be sucking it up and pretending (have done this a LOT).  I definitely was holding my breath there for a few minutes waiting for the melt down (but it never came thankfully).  And at some point, we have to learn how to interact in a way that we both enjoy and look forward to.  Im certainly not there though - I just never know what will happen.

[yeeter]

Its the end of the school year and this comes with various alumni events.  This includes a get together with dinner/drinks from my grad school class (and other classes).  Maybe 6 or 10 of my classmates will be there that I havent seen in a while.

So I plan on going.  I mentioned this to my wife and her first response was to ask if 'she should go also' - and get a sitter.

Truth of the matter is, I know it will be more enjoyable (for me) if she doesnt go.  But she also knows some of these people so would enjoy seeing them again as well.

I tried to respond neutrally:  If you want to go, its fine and spouses are welcome.  She pressed me on whether I 'wanted' her to go with me. 

I couldnt answer yes (in honestly).  I was afraid of the reaction if I said no (the last time something like this happened and I said no it resulted in a 15 month ban from the bedroom). 

I simply stated again that 'its entirely up to you, if you want to go you can'.

I could tell she wanted me to tell her I wanted her to go.  But I didnt (and couldnt - if I were to be honest).  (there are reasons for this... it wont allow me to have a conversation without her dominating it all, and also requires work to make it all go smoothly (leaving a certain time, where to park, getting home by certain hour, etc)

We let it drop and to my knowledge she isnt going.  (this time it didnt blow up, it didnt cause deregulation, and was a non event - which in and of itself is a breakthrough!)  But she can go if she wants (and Im not going to wig if she does - it will be fine and I will manage the evening just fine even with her there).

But its weird.  I really dont enjoy doing things with her.  And am not at all comfortable saying this.  But saying that I DO, feels dishonest.  So its another form of tip toeing.  And my response was really about avoidance of conflict.  (but this is the mode I am in - stop making things worse - and engagement seems to equal conflict so to reduce conflict means reducing engagement).

I wonder if I shouldnt be sucking it up and pretending (have done this a LOT).  I definitely was holding my breath there for a few minutes waiting for the melt down (but it never came thankfully).  And at some point, we have to learn how to interact in a way that we both enjoy and look forward to.  Im certainly not there though - I just never know what will happen.

[Steph]

 Can you help her understand your concerns?

" It would be great if you could come with me. I do have some concerns about some specific issues that I am hoping we could settle first"

then nicely tell her what they are, using validation, dont make her the bad guy, etc..

" I am wanting to stay out until the bars close when I am there. I know you have wanted to leave earlier. How can we make it so we are both happy here?"

Then you can come up with alternatives...she gets a cab, or take two cars, etc

[briefcase]

These situations are difficult.  Sometimes honesty hurts and triggers our partners.  BPD or not, it hurts to hear your spouse say they want to attend an event without you (whatever the reason).  At the same time, sometimes we have legitimate reasons why we want to go to things alone (they are for us, our partner doesn't really want to be there and will sulk, other obligations require we do different things, etc.)

I suspect this issue isn't really over for her, or you.  Steph's suggestions of sharing concerns is probably the best move at this time.  Maybe driving seperatly will give some flexibility if you want to stay later?    

[yeeter]

Can you help her understand your concerns?

" It would be great if you could come with me. I do have some concerns about some specific issues that I am hoping we could settle first"

Ya. This is pretty close to what I tried the last time.

Then her response:  ' well then, I don't need to be sleeping with someone that refuses to be seen in public with me'. (then a lecture about having daughters and setting an example for them that if a guy won't be seen in public with you then you have to respect yourself enough to not sleep with him, etc etc )

Last time I fell into the trap of defending and arguing that that was NOT what I said.  I know better now.  But the last round, many months Ago, has been brought up in MC more than once and no resolution at all so just another area to let alone

So I'm afraid to be honest. And avoid the conflict because I have no reason to think it will be different

So I leave it at she can do what she wants and I will do what I want.  Very independent of each other.  This causes her to be upset sometimes as well ( her latest thing is that I don't ask her out enough.  I have, but also told her that I didn't want to be the one to always do the asking and planning, etc.  And that if she would ask me out sometimes I would be happy to go but it can't always be one sided.  This, compounded with the reality that it's not much fun when we go out together, has resulted in a different impasse ( although similar in some ways))

I WANT to want to go out with her. But don't.  How can I get myself through the knothole? ( at some point we need to find a way to have a positive interaction!)

[Rose Tiger]

How about "I'm ok either way" when she asked.  Would this be a truthful statement?  It's sounds in your initial post that you were ok with her going, it's that you would enjoy it more without her.

Or is this a question about how to tell our partner something they might not take well...? 

[yeeter]

Fair q Rose

It's a bit of both

My preference would be to go without her. ( and I'm not comfortable saying this)

At the same time if she wants to go I understand this. After all, she knows some of these people so why shouldn't she go?  I'm not trying to control her.

But her direct question to me was, do I 'want' her to go.  She was pressing me to make a deliberate statement, which I was uncomfortable answering honestly. In the past I would have just lied and said yes.  Now I just refused to answer directly and restated that she could go if she wanted

It didn't melt down... Yet  So that's progress.

[momtario]

It sounds like you wish you enjoyed doing things with her, yeeter.

Is there anything that you DO enjoy doing with her? Or maybe something you haven't tried? (I know this is irrelevant to the actual situation, but it's something to think about). Does she partake in anything that you would enjoy supporting her actively in, like sporting events or something? it sounds like she is seeking anything to fill her supply, and if you could do this honestly, it might help your r/s a lot...

It sounds like it's time to get creative... I know you are more in this to be close to your kids, but it would be nice if you could enjoy some form of interaction with your wife while you are at it, too.

[Rose Tiger]

Thinking how if it were said to me, how I would take it.  It wouldn't be an easy thing to hear.

I like Steph saying, that would be great, can I talk to you about some concerns that I have on us attending together?

I could hear that as long as the concerns weren't things that would be hard to hear!  

[JimNelson89]

Truth of the matter is, I know it will be more enjoyable (for me) if she doesnt go.  But she also knows some of these people so would enjoy seeing them again as well.

I tried to respond neutrally:  If you want to go, its fine and spouses are welcome.  She pressed me on whether I 'wanted' her to go with me.

Some how you transmitted subtle signals that you did not want her to go.  These people can smell blood.  It seems almost like they relish "being hurt" and look for it in every nuance of language.

I guess remember SET, Sympathy, Empathy, and Truth (should be renamed to Symathy, Empathy, and Telepathy).  I guess what I am saying is don't lie to her.  Don't say I don't want you to go.  Do say the positive, "I've noticed that I enjoy these events when you are not there."  Then be prepared to validate or apply the sympathy/empathy part of SET, cause she will probably be in tears.  Of course if you could avoid the question altogether that would be better.