How do you handle things when you are just worn out...

[Think About It...]

My dBPDh has been dysregulated for a while now. I am painted black & can do nothing right. I know I need to use the tools I have learned here but I just feel so worn out that all I want to do is scream. 

Do others here feel that way at times? What do you to pull yourself back up?

 ?

[onAmission]

My dBPDh has been dysregulated for a while now. I am painted black & can do nothing right. I know I need to use the tools I have learned here but I just feel so worn out that all I want to do is scream. 

Do others here feel that way at times? What do you to pull yourself back up?

 ?

[megocean]

Whatever taking care of yourself means to you, do that.

I have been SO stressed and distressed the past few days, and today I got myself my favorite lunch. I had a meeting with my annoying boss and I felt my muscles tightening and made a conscious effort to relax them one at a time. I also went to the local nail salon and got a neck massage--I was brewing a migraine and that stopped the cycle. I am making an effort to get some good sleep, or as good as is possible.

And what about writing to us here about what has gone on that's difficult?

Also, here's a   in case you need one!

[Dynamic]

onAmission,
I can totally relate to the screaming part. I don't know what makes me want to scream more - Dr. Jeckyll part or the Mr. Hyde part. What is worse - the cursings or the apologies/promises, the need for intimacy that follows. But now I know better. To stay detached. What would you do when you are holding a baby & it kicks you, vomits on you, or relieves itself on you? That's how you should take it while dealing with pwBPD. It is easily said than done. When you know that the things he says is not true, then try to not make it a big deal of it. Again, tough job. But we have do it to stay sane.
Hope you feel better. 

[Dynamic]

Last week when I was at my wit's end, I watched 3 movies in succession to take my mind off. Listening to music, going to the gym also helps. The accomplishment I feel after cleaning a cluttered area in the house also helps to clear my mind. Removal of clutter helps to relieve stress. I have noticed that when I feel sad, I won't feel like taking a bath or combing my hair but just mope around in my nightgown. Seeing my pathetic condition in the mirror, would just make me wallow more in self pity. But then when I would brush the sad feeling aside, take a long bath, try a new hairstyle & wear a good dress, I would feel a lot better.
Most importantly I keep reminding myself that it is not H that is the problem, but BPD that he has. Hope that helps.

[Dynamic]

onAmission,
You know what else helps me. Window shopping - works every time. I would just go to my favorite mall, walk into my favorite stores, try some dresses, shoes & bags or just look at them. In our country, change of each season brings new stuff to the store to suit the season. So there's never a dull moment at the mall. After a few hours, Viola - the sad feeling is gone. 

[LoveNotWar]

OnAmission, when you are just worn out stop worrying about your SO and focus any energy you might have on yourself. I remember when I just wanted to have a big ole temper tantrum and dysregulate right along with my BPDh. I was pretty low. When I finally pulled myself back together I knew I was the only person who was going to take responsibility for taking care of me!

Can you get away for a weekend? When I was at my lowest I wasn't getting enough sleep and when I finally got away for a weekend all I did was sleep, eat pizza (delivered) and read.

I  just got home from a nice 3 mile run. My grandson and I ran a 5K last weekend. I don't always feel like running at the end of the day but I LOVE myself for it afterwards and exercise releases good chemicals that help combat depression.

I also buy a special bath salt and matching soap and each evening I soak in the tub with a book and occasionally a glass of wine.

I MAKE myself make a date with a girlfriend once a week and I won't allow myself any stinky thinking. We talk about books, our families, baseball, hockey, our dogs, the weather, the NFL draft picks, vacation plans, good hikes, anything except BPD.

I love to go to the bookstore find a magazine or a book,  get a coffee and just relax.

I buy a small bouquet of fresh flowers at the market and put them on the dining room table where I can see them from the sofa.

I don't stay in the room or even in the house when he dysregulates, I know it's HARD to walk away, I always stayed too long because I thought I would be able to reason with him and fix things  but I now know that if I stay I am harming myself and our r/s.

Everyone enjoys  something different, what's important is that you find those things that bring back some joy to your life. 

[Dynamic]

Those are great ideas for a get away. Thanks for sharing, LoveNotWar. A 5K run! Wow! That's something I want to try some day.

onAmission,
Though I don't have a good singing voice, I try to sing along when my favorite songs are playing (off course, when I am alone at home). While singing, my focus is on the lyrics of the song & the flow of music especially in the portions where all the instruments together make heavenly music. This helps to lift my spirits & change my mood. 

Getting a facial at a great salon.

I try a new recipe, especially healthy ones.

Since I am an avid reader & love browsing online, I read a lot especially health magazines.

I took up a course at the local college. Learning new concepts, doing assignments & preparing for tests kept me busy. I also had something to look forward for. Learning a new language is a good idea & may prove to be useful at work or when we go for a vacation some day.

[yeeter]

Hi mission

How do you handle things when you are worn out?

You can't!

This is why it's so important to focus on taking care of yourself.  It's not optional.

Some great ideas here.  I have found physical group activities to help the most, providing both physical and social interactions. 

Put your own life vest on first.  Make it your top priority to take care of yourself.  Then you can help others

[isilme]

onAmission - sorry it's so tiring right now.  Emotional exhaustion can be far worse than physica exhaustion, and harder to remedy.

As for wanting to scream... what's stopping you?  This may sound nuts, several months ago I got really angry as part of a grieving process, and I was driving and alone in the car and I felt 'safe' just letting it all out.  I yelled exactly how I felt (no one was near me, thank goodness), with the radio up, and felt such a sense of relief at getting that out.  Give it a shot - you may feel a little better.

As for everything else, a prolonged period of dysregulation is hard.  Can you get out of the house for a few days and go see a friend or relative?  You're already painted black, and staying hasn't helped, so make up a reason (so and so needs help with the baby, mom needs me to go through the attic, whatever) and just go have a good night's rest for a few days.  It'll be like a prolonged break.  And while gone, keep communication to a minimum.  You don't need to be dragged into phone arguments while trying to re-center.

Since it'd be like a prolonged break -  in your absence, without you as a target for the dysregulation, I halfway bet that your H's cycle may, just may, reset.  He'll ahve to deal with his emotions on his own, and he might come out form under the bridge (troll reference).  Either way, you get a mini-vacation if you can swing it, you don't have to share too much with the other party (though it's a good idea to have a confidant if you can), but just say you need a few days to get out of the house and H can't join you.

[flatspin]

onAmission - sorry it's so tiring right now.  Emotional exhaustion can be far worse than physica exhaustion, and harder to remedy.

As for wanting to scream... what's stopping you?  This may sound nuts, several months ago I got really angry as part of a grieving process, and I was driving and alone in the car and I felt 'safe' just letting it all out.  I yelled exactly how I felt (no one was near me, thank goodness), with the radio up, and felt such a sense of relief at getting that out.  Give it a shot - you may feel a little better.

As for everything else, a prolonged period of dysregulation is hard.  Can you get out of the house for a few days and go see a friend or relative?  You're already painted black, and staying hasn't helped, so make up a reason (so and so needs help with the baby, mom needs me to go through the attic, whatever) and just go have a good night's rest for a few days.  It'll be like a prolonged break.  And while gone, keep communication to a minimum.  You don't need to be dragged into phone arguments while trying to re-center.

Since it'd be like a prolonged break -  in your absence, without you as a target for the dysregulation, I halfway bet that your H's cycle may, just may, reset.  He'll ahve to deal with his emotions on his own, and he might come out form under the bridge (troll reference).  Either way, you get a mini-vacation if you can swing it, you don't have to share too much with the other party (though it's a good idea to have a confidant if you can), but just say you need a few days to get out of the house and H can't join you.

Dear isilme,

Thanks for the advice and tips. They'll be useful to me too. I have many things to do here and places to visit in order to take my mind off things.

OnAmission, I wish the best to you and hope that you will find soon the peace and the strength needed. Even if everyone's situation is different and specific and can't be compared with others', I'm on my knees too and it hurts all the more that it's because of someone that we love so dearly.

[onAmission]

Thank you all for such great support & wonderful ideas & suggestions    I wish I could say things are much better. I also wish I had been able to get back on here & read your responses before now. I know they will help me.

Actually, I recently did take some steps to take care of me. I took my kids & went to a local spring fed lake with friends for the day. H did not want it & tried every excuse to stop it & the FOG almost stopped me. He hates my friend/neighbor because he knows I confide in her. But I went anyway & we had a blast.

Also, I made an overdue appointment with my Gyn because I am 44 and I have been having some problems & hormone issues. Pretty sure I am very anemic right now too because I am so very tired all the time.

It is hard for me to get away for days because we have 4 children & very limited finances. I do need to just get out & have alone time more & also to have more time with my friends. I will work on that.

Someone asked what gives me joy or pleasure. Well, I LOVE to have a garden every summer. I usually have a large one that I put in about April. In past years, I have been capable of tilling it up myself. Due to an old nerve injury to a shoulder, My Neurologist tells me I cannot till now. My H knows this & because he has had me painted black for months now, he decided to "punish" me by refusing to till the garden this year   I have been SO tempted to go on & do it myself but I know my body will pay for it.

And with my energy level & health frustrations, I have just not had it in me to fight for a garden. I know that planting & caring for the veggies would inspire me to get out & move more despite my lack of energy. And there is not one day that goes by that I do not mourn the lack of fresh tomatoes on my table... I could cry at every fresh produce stand I pass.

I do have a VERY strong 13yo son who would till at least some of it but he has been busy with school & friends & I honestly do not want him to do it grudgingly because then I know I will be upset & more likely to do it myself.

I love watching birds at my feeders & birdbath & I have tried to keep my feeders filled better. My S helps with that And I love flowers - potting them & placing them on the porch & planting flower beds with my daughters. This year H has not allowed me to buy any bedding plants. He has become VERY controlling with $. So, I finally just planted some cheap seeds.

I used to love bubble baths. The only tub is in the kids bathroom though & since my boys are older, I just hate getting in that tub without bleaching it 

It has been difficult but I have been trying to do things to take care of me. I know I need to work harder at it because I am still just very down.

[Wanda]

 HEllo:)
 IT has been a while since my husband raged for a while to where it wears me down, but when i was wore down i just remember soon this will be all over, he would go through a three day disregulation during this time, i really take care of myself did alot of going shopping and doing things for me leaving him to deal with his rages and anger. can't wear me down if i am doing something and not around him..   

[onAmission]

It does help to remember that it will pass... eventually.  This time has been difficult in a different kind of way.

It has lasted for months in a cycle of mild dysregulation that jumps to high for days & then back down to mild for a couple of weeks. It feels different to me. I am not "panicked" like I used to be. Perhaps the tools I have learned have helped me more than I know.

But also, I am dealing with my own "stuff" as well. I am at a place as a woman that my body is changing and quickly. My hormones are a mess. I suspect the possibility of other medical problems as well. My attitude is something along the lines of "I am just over this crap." Which I realize is not a helpful response to the situation but my hormones have my moods all over the place. That mixed with his BPD moods is just not a good combo!