Help with mirroring

[Think About It...]

My uBPDh has a lot (I mean almost constant) anxiety about time.  I was making things worse and I'm trying to do the opposite now.

This anxiety usually comes out something like this:

Before leaving for work..."I have so much to do around here (yard work, finishing things that haven't been finished in 10 years, etc etc)...grumble, grumble...I have no time for myself to do the things I want to do, grumble, grumble...it can't get done without two people working togetre on it, grumble, grumble..." and more sliding into how I don't help and he carries the full burden.

If I bite, this becomes full blown anger and frustration.

If I say, "I can help with 'x' project today", he invariably says "NO, you will just make it worse, I will have to help you and then I won't be able to do what I want to do, why are you talking to me about this when I have to go to work?". --Read this with a high pitched and very triggering tone in your head.  I don't try to help anymore.

I have gotten much better at accepting this is his problem, not mine, and not reacting.  But it feels like some kind of response is needed.  Is mirroring the right response, and how would it work?  Would I say " you think there is a lot to do and that I don't do anything" and leave it at that?

[Salut]

My uBPDh has a lot (I mean almost constant) anxiety about time.  I was making things worse and I'm trying to do the opposite now.

This anxiety usually comes out something like this:

Before leaving for work..."I have so much to do around here (yard work, finishing things that haven't been finished in 10 years, etc etc)...grumble, grumble...I have no time for myself to do the things I want to do, grumble, grumble...it can't get done without two people working togetre on it, grumble, grumble..." and more sliding into how I don't help and he carries the full burden.

If I bite, this becomes full blown anger and frustration.

If I say, "I can help with 'x' project today", he invariably says "NO, you will just make it worse, I will have to help you and then I won't be able to do what I want to do, why are you talking to me about this when I have to go to work?". --Read this with a high pitched and very triggering tone in your head.  I don't try to help anymore.

I have gotten much better at accepting this is his problem, not mine, and not reacting.  But it feels like some kind of response is needed.  Is mirroring the right response, and how would it work?  Would I say " you think there is a lot to do and that I don't do anything" and leave it at that?

[Surnia]

Hi salut

Yes, I have sometimes similar experience with my NPDh. He wants be all the time the manager of his own time and he becomes stressed and angry about little things (Cores from 10 min - 1 hour).

Like you I offerd sometimes help. But I came to conclusion to stop it too.

Yes, why not try to mirror?
> you think there is a lot to do and you would prefer to do it with another person, did I understand this right?<

Or perhaps addressing his feelings?
> Do you feel stressed about not having enough time for your self? <

Or validation
> yeah, it sucks to see a lot of work and not having enough time left for yourself <

For me validation is sometimes hard in this context, bc. he has so much more free time than me  ?

[Salut]

Thanks for the suggestions Surnia

It's funny because I had to read this one,

"you think there is a lot to do and you would prefer to do it with another person, did I understand this right?",

three times before I realized you meant he would prefer to do the chores with me.  I thought you meant he would prefer to do the chores with someone else, other tha me.   . Just shows how sensitive I have gotten about this subject...

Does mirroring work with your H when he gets anxious?

[Surnia]

Hi salut

The misunderstanding is perhaps also bc my English is not the best. So all my dialogs are not so natural... And shure you can read/understand it in your way, it is not clear.  I tried to find a way to be more indirect than "I can help you", like "what about some help?".

Does mirroring work with your H when he gets anxious?

I do not know, bc my h is angry not anxious, this is a difference between both. Or at least, anger is what he shows.

[Salut]

What you said made sense.  And I like the way you put it --"and you would prefer to do it with another person".  Really kind of a different spin than "I can help you...". 

This makes me think I should check to see if I am understanding him right.  I have heard this for so many years I am absolutely convinced I know exact ly what he is saying.  But I tend to out a negative spin on what he says.

My H looks angry too.  But I am starting to interpret it as anxious. 

[briefcase]

These kinds of anxieties are perfect opportunities to validate.  You don't need to offer to help him get things done or "solve" the problem.  Just acknowledge his feelings and show some empathy.

Him:  I have all this to do and I'm going to be late, etc.

You:  Sounds like you have a full plate.  That has to be stressful.  Let me know if I can do anything.

Or something along those lines!  Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[isilme]

I've had similar problems, almost down to the same words and my responses have met with the same growing anger.  For me I know my own frustration at realizing that it's okay for me to do chores and take care of things on my own, but for him he he can't fathom doing cleaning or house/yard work without me in sight (not just at home working on another chore, but standing right by him) is an issue. 

I am trying to be more understanding about him wanting/needing me to be right there while he does stuff, that frankly I can't help with (sorting 20 year old toys he salvaged from his parents' house by sentimental value).  I get impatient, wanting to be off doing things HE can't (won't) do, like sew the new blinds I've been working on while he's occupied with these (to me) solo projects.

My frustration at the "I have no time" comments and the "I do everything myself", is that I know the time issue is his own fault (playing videos games IS your time, and if you do it all day, then don't be mad when you didn't get any work done), and I'm the one who pretty much does the majority of the chores (I am slowly getting over the resentment I used to feel about this, realizing chores would exist if I lived alone, with a roommate or him, but when he tries to dig at me for 'not doing anything but being lazy' after I've just mowed the 9000 sq foot yard, done dishes and put away laundry, I get peeved), so I get frustrated at how he can see things like that, when to me it's quite different.  And so validation comes really hard in those cases. 

Sounds like you have a full plate.  That has to be stressful.  Let me know if I can do anything.

I've been trying this one, with mixed success, as he ALWAYS 'needs' help, and comes to me for 'help' which usually involves me standing around while he stares at something trying to overcome his project inertia, getting mad if I actually try to help, tell him I'll be back when he's got something I can do, etc.  Basically, somehow he feels he needs me to stand in the room/yard with him, even if I am just literally standing there.  It's like I am a safety blanket of some sort, and my presence is needed not to really help by actually DOING anything (fetching a roll of paper towels now and then is not help - it's something I'd do for myself while getting the project done), but I have to be there as a comforter?  His mom's a hoarder, and he has some tendencies which I admit he has been working to overcome, but I guess the stress of getting rid of things is so hard he can't throw trash away alone?  He can't white wash boards alone (we only have one large paint brush and he refused to let me paint, but got mad I was not helping)? 

[Salut]

Hi briefcase and Isilme!

I am trying to remember to validate.  I think it might be easier now that I am starting to label this behavior as anxiety.  It usually has a negative twist directed at me, like Isilme talked about, which made it feel wrong and abusive to me before. 

When I validate, I have been thinking I should also try to mirror.  Basically bounce his negative blaming back to him and show it as anxiety.  I suppose validating has a strong component of mirroring in it. 

So I am going to try "it sounds to me like you are feeling very anxious, that must feel bad".  I don't really want to mention anything about time, or all the things he has to do, or all the things everyone in his life expects of him, because i think that will just promote a rant on those things.

[Salut]

Isilme,

Your description of your BF was interestIng.  My H likes to accomplish thinandante does a lot on his own, so he is a little different.  But if I am going to help him, he wants that same hand holding.  Even when we were adding on to our house and building our cabin, he would ask me to help, but then I was suppose to stand there and hold a hammer. I couldn't take it either.

I tried hard to be more a part of the building stuff but eventually gave up.  I just do things on my own, now.  If I have to ask him for help, I just ask and walk away.  It is very difficult to work with him on anything because of the anxiety that comes up. 

Does this type of thing affect your BFs work?  My H has lots of skills but can't settle into any job.  He hates being dependent on me, but creates that situation all the time.