My Greatest Fear

[Think About It...]

For my situation, taking care of myself means

• Going to dinner alone
• Going on vacation alone
• Doing things with friends at work
• Golfing with friends at work

I had a dream last night.  In the dream I had an affair.  To me this dream was a warning.  To me this doing things on my own is a formula for disaster.  Right now I am so lonely.  How do I rectify my beliefs?

[JimNelson89]

For my situation, taking care of myself means

• Going to dinner alone
• Going on vacation alone
• Doing things with friends at work
• Golfing with friends at work

I had a dream last night.  In the dream I had an affair.  To me this dream was a warning.  To me this doing things on my own is a formula for disaster.  Right now I am so lonely.  How do I rectify my beliefs?

[Traverse]

     I hear you.  There have been many times when I've felt this way too.  , Fortunately I've been able to rethink my feelings of loneliness.  My T told me to try to realize what a blessing it is to have your own life, make your own decisions,etc.   After a while it had the effect of making me attractive again and I think it gives me a stronger position in my relationship with my wife.  I actually want a vacation by myself and insist on it which stresses her abandonment issues.  I promise to call her twice a day and also have a time away with her as well, but it is important to reserve at least part of my life for me.  This will be my 3rd year doing this, and I've experienced good personal growth each time I set out on my own.  I rarely feel the loneliness anymore, and I think its helped her as well.
     Plus I must add the obvious.  There is so much love, empathy, and strength on this website for us all that I have much more faith in human nature than I used to.  I hope you feel stronger soon.     

[yeeter]

Hi Jim,

This is all a part of redefining how you think of the relationship, and what you can and cannot get out of it.

I am on a similar journey and find myself as alone as ever before in my life.  So I try to fill this with increased interaction with family and friends.  Many things that I always thought would come from my primary relationship, do not. 

Take an inventory of this.  You will have to determine whether your needs/wants can, or can not be met in the relationship.  Dont feel guilty about putting down things that are very basic normal things to want out of any relationship.  But be realistic in whether they really can, or can not be satisfied (either from within the relationship, or from the outside).

At the end of the day (and after change and adapting on YOUR part), if there are still items that you cannot get that you feel are critical, then you are going to have to deal with this.  And the 'right' way to do this would be directly expressing it with your wife (maybe with an MC to help facilitate).  If you cant converge on a path that works for BOTH of you, then a real problem.  (Im not going to say then you have to divorce, because everyone is different and what works for one COUPLE doesnt always work for another - but the point is that it needs to be a problem for BOTH of you, as contributors to the common RELATIONSHIP.  NOT you making unilateral decisions on the solution)

$.02  I do understand where you are coming from.  I told my wife deliberately that I was assessing my personal needs, and what I could get out of the relationship, what I could not get out of it, and also what had to be done outside of the relationship or going without (including a journey to understand just what I can do without).

I repeated this a couple times to her that indeed I was going through this evaluation.  (its pretty telling also that she didnt seem all that interested in probing more about it).  But I think this was one part that has motivated her to consider having sex again, because the way its put its pretty clear I am involving her in the solution, and she has a choice.  Not being manipulative at all and open to any discussion on what she can and cannot do, but trying to be upfront and clear and communicate what is NOT working for me.  The other dynamic for me was that I already filed for divorce which she didnt want, so if not then there has to be a way for me to have my 'needs' met.  (the trick is understanding clearly just what a 'need' is, vs a 'nicety'/'want').  Having already went to the extreme of divorce proceedings because the relationship wasnt working for me at the fundamental level, was what it took for her to give any consideration to me at all.