It's really ending

[Think About It...]

I am coming to the end of this, the relationship just won't work, no matter what I do or don't do it's just too messed up by her BPD behaviors. I am working on detaching. Facing it, and Myself. She was the one who left and says she is going to stay away, still blaming me for everything, still acting very unloving to me, no real communication, no attempts at changing herself or working on things together, just a cold hard cut off of all friendship and everything. I don't know if she has someone else already or not, and am trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter, we're not together anymore.

Very hard to work through these feelings, even though my mind is telling me to just let her go, she's mean, abusive, isn't working on her issues, I'll be better off... Believe it, lots of people here, friends, family, they all see it too, all tell me the same thing. Get Out! Stay Out! It's sad and a relief at the same time. I don't want her to go, but it's never going to work even if she stayed. The rejection hurts, and also the fact that I could have gotten out a lot sooner and I didn't. I feel good about how I was with her, and see it's her own BPD problems that derailed this, but it still hurts and I know I'm going to miss her everyday. It's down to the end now and it's a very lonely place to be.

[myself]

I am coming to the end of this, the relationship just won't work, no matter what I do or don't do it's just too messed up by her BPD behaviors. I am working on detaching. Facing it, and Myself. She was the one who left and says she is going to stay away, still blaming me for everything, still acting very unloving to me, no real communication, no attempts at changing herself or working on things together, just a cold hard cut off of all friendship and everything. I don't know if she has someone else already or not, and am trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter, we're not together anymore.

Very hard to work through these feelings, even though my mind is telling me to just let her go, she's mean, abusive, isn't working on her issues, I'll be better off... Believe it, lots of people here, friends, family, they all see it too, all tell me the same thing. Get Out! Stay Out! It's sad and a relief at the same time. I don't want her to go, but it's never going to work even if she stayed. The rejection hurts, and also the fact that I could have gotten out a lot sooner and I didn't. I feel good about how I was with her, and see it's her own BPD problems that derailed this, but it still hurts and I know I'm going to miss her everyday. It's down to the end now and it's a very lonely place to be.

[tailspin]

myself,

You are not alone...we are here 

Relationships end but this is something else entirely.  The abandonment pain they deflect onto us is excrutiating.  I remember being where you are now and I felt so alone too; but the wound they tear open in our heart goes way back and now it's up to you to find it and fix it for your own well being and mental health.

You are being blamed, and I'm so sorry.  The truth is she is incapable of facing her own deamons and has instead projected all the bad onto you to make it easier for her to walk away.  You don't deserve this; you didn't deserve any of this.  You were caught up in the cycle of her attachment disorder associated with the mental illness that is driving this train.

Knowing what you need to do is easier than doing it and I get it.  But you will be ok.  The rejection you feel will soon turn to relief and relief will bring you freedom.  We all stayed long past what was healthy for us so don't blame yourself for doing this ok?  And it's ok to miss her everyday. 

Take some comfort in knowing you are not alone; we are here for you.  Take comfort in also knowing your pain will pass in time.  Embrace it...learn from it...and grow into the person you are meant to be.

Peace to you,

tailspin

[Thepatman]

Couldn't say it better then tailspin. 

Channel all the energy on yourself now that you are free. In time you will find youself again and look back at this thinking "what the hell was I thinking?" 

You have endured enought my friend, time for you and only you.

Hang in there!

[myself]

Thank you tailspin, those are kind words and good to hear.

This is the person I spent nearly every day of the last few years with (except when she had broken us up, which was quite a lot of times), who I was going to marry and have a life with. The emptiness and silence now are just taking over, really weighing on me. Yes it's only temporary, and time will show it's best to be out of it than to remain in and continue being hurt. I see that. I'm at the stage where it's still hard to let go of that dream, but way easier than ever before.

I'm seeing a T who is very helpful. Who brought up that my ex sounds like she's acting out BPD behavior, "Have you ever heard of that?" Of course I said Yes, having been on this site again recently and in the past (same relationship). My last T said the same thing, said I should get out and stay out, it would never change (well, it would get worse). The reason I'm seeing a T is to deal with the effects of the relationship, and face what's inside myself that made me stay so long in an abusive situation, not because it's really 'all my fault' and I have so many things 'wrong' with me that broke us up. My ex said I should get into T to help Us, but now uses it against me saying it proves I'm the one who needs help, not her. What a run around. It doesn't matter any more what she thinks, I'm doing it for Myself to live a better life from here on.

Everywhere I turn, I see it's best to just walk away from this. There's nothing I can do to fix it, change it, help her, convince her, or convince myself it could work out. She will never admit that what she sees in me now is really just what's she's been projecting, what she's been running from. I'm never the one to end things though so it's something I'm looking into. It makes me feel I let her down somehow, let myself down, like I'm giving up. I know it's not really like that but it feels that way. I need to deal with those issues, which is a better use of time than ruminating and just being sad all the time. It's just so cold, being cut off like this. It's hard to process. She says she'll find someone better but really she'll just drag her problems into the next relationship and cause herself and others more pain. She's someone I care about and of course I don't want that to happen to her, but those are her steps to take. She's choosing to leave someone (Myself) who's nice, kind, willing to work things through, who honestly loves her and would be her friend through thick and thin. Why anyone would just toss that away I just don't understand. I feel sorry for any of us who go through this.

I'll keep working on Myself. I see that's best. It just has to be over between us now, there's no other choice. It's not walking away from her heart, but back into my own.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[myself]

Couldn't say it better then tailspin. 

Channel all the energy on yourself now that you are free. In time you will find youself again and look back at this thinking "what the hell was I thinking?" 

You have endured enought my friend, time for you and only you.

Hang in there!

Thanks. That's the plan. Already in motion, and some positives are already being seen. This detachment process really hurts, everything is different now. What was, isn't anymore. What was going to be, is going to be something else now. Hopefully it will all be Better. Thanks for the encouragement, and best of luck in your own progress too.

[Thepatman]

Yur welcome always glad to help.

It took me freaking 6 months to realize it was never going to work. I begged, cried, screamed, everything to get her back.

You see , I'm a slow learner 

[zacc]

I am coming to the end of this, the relationship just won't work, no matter what I do or don't do it's just too messed up by her BPD behaviors. I am working on detaching. Facing it, and Myself. She was the one who left and says she is going to stay away, still blaming me for everything, still acting very unloving to me, no real communication, no attempts at changing herself or working on things together, just a cold hard cut off of all friendship and everything. I don't know if she has someone else already or not, and am trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter, we're not together anymore.

Very hard to work through these feelings, even though my mind is telling me to just let her go, she's mean, abusive, isn't working on her issues, I'll be better off... Believe it, lots of people here, friends, family, they all see it too, all tell me the same thing. Get Out! Stay Out! It's sad and a relief at the same time. I don't want her to go, but it's never going to work even if she stayed. The rejection hurts, and also the fact that I could have gotten out a lot sooner and I didn't. I feel good about how I was with her, and see it's her own BPD problems that derailed this, but it still hurts and I know I'm going to miss her everyday. It's down to the end now and it's a very lonely place to be.

Hey Myself,


I am going through exactly what you have explained...my BPDw is leaving me ...she was totally negative during counseling...but she is blaming me for all the stuff...also she is behaving as if she is into the depression and I am responsible for it and that is why she is leaving me. Till the last counseling session I told her that I am ready to take corrective measures to make our marriage work if she also is willing to do so...but completely cold response...for last one year she has cut off all the communication...she is not ready to discuss the problem, just saying that we had fights during our initial days and that is the sufficient reason...I do not understand that if that was the reason then why she waited so long ...just to torture me...or just to see whether I am changing myself according to her wish or not...But application of any logic in front of her is illogical...
        But then why am I mourning? When we used to have fight I used to recollect bad memories of her and now everything is going to end I am recollecting all good memories about her...I do understand that for most of these two years of marriage I  was juggling to cope up with the situations..I know I should have come out of the marriage much earlier...but why could not I show guts to take a step before her to tell her that I do not want to live with her. Despite of her constant love hate reactions (more hate recently) why am I still feeling bad about my present situation? Difficult to explain myself and very difficult explain to my family...How should I come out of it?

[LoveNYC]

Myself, take a look at the staying board.

You are avoiding a lifetime of pure Hell. A person who would decimate you and terribly damage any children you may have had.

I left mine and all my hopes of a life with him killed me.

But it's better to feel pain now, then to have your whole life destroyed.

[myself]

Myself, take a look at the staying board.

You are avoiding a lifetime of pure Hell. A person who would decimate you and terribly damage any children you may have had.

I left mine and all my hopes of a life with him killed me.

But it's better to feel pain now, then to have your whole life destroyed.

Thanks. I used to be on that board, but have been waking up more and more. I tried everything I could to help it work but the BPD just sent it off the cliff. The dream is fading, reality is flooding in. She's gone. It will always be a loss in my life, but much more of a gain overall, as you say. Just going through the grieving process, moving ahead at the pace I can at this time. Sifting the good from the bad as best I can.

[neil]

Be strong, my friend.  I feel as broken as you, no question. 

You'll get through this, though.  As others have said, you need to focus on yourself (I'm sure it's been a while).  It's a sad time and you need to work through your grief, your anger, and that profound sense of loss.

Lots of people here with you, though...

[tailspin]

myself,

It took me a long time to get over the sense of failure I felt for walking away, blocking all contact, and not looking back.  It really felt like I was abandoning a child; but they are adults and will be just fine without us.

We are so used to the manipulation and guilt trips (that we participated in) but in reality their perceived "weaknessess" were probably all a part of the victim illusion we bought into.  I've read their arrested emotional development is around the age of 3 so it's not unusual that you feel you have somehow "failed" someone instead of just being in a relationship that ended.

Getting over an abusive relationship is no picnic but you are doing great and you are already a beacon of light in this forum for those who are struggling. 

tailspin

[BPD Magnet 1]

Thanks Tailspin.I needed to here this tonight.I am only 15 days NC.Today was a long day at work and i balled my eyes out twice...

The cold hearted ABANDONMENT she handed me out of the clear blue is Killing me...It left my mind ''wondering'' with no closure..

[tailspin]

The closure you seek, devestated, is the gift you need to give yourself.  No one can give you closure, no one can make you feel better about what has happened to you.  This is your job and while it sucks to have to go it alone...you will regain your power by finding closure and feel better about yourself immediately.  

You will never find the release and comfort you seek from your ex; she is incapable of soothing herself and she will never be able to sooth you either.  She is the catalyst for your pain but she cannot make the pain go away.  But you can.  

The abandonment pain you feel is real.  The tears you shed are real.  The suffering is real and I'm so sorry you are going through this because I do know you are devestated.  Please find comfort in knowing you will find the love you seek and so completely deserve.  But not with her.

Peace to you,
tailspin