SO in full rage mode right now

[Think About It...]

I am not answering the phone, she has called about 8 times, left nasty messages and is now threatening to contact all persons i work with via email or phone calls because i am not responding to her calls or defending myself against her made up story.
At this point i usually pick up the phone and we get into it pretty good, i am not doing it this time, if she does do something i guess i will have to live with it, i am sick of being afraid of her threats.
This will get alot worse before it gets better, that i am sure about. I hope i have the resolve to get through this today, i am really tired and don't want to have a huge fight on my hands.  

[moonunit]

I am not answering the phone, she has called about 8 times, left nasty messages and is now threatening to contact all persons i work with via email or phone calls because i am not responding to her calls or defending myself against her made up story.
At this point i usually pick up the phone and we get into it pretty good, i am not doing it this time, if she does do something i guess i will have to live with it, i am sick of being afraid of her threats.
This will get alot worse before it gets better, that i am sure about. I hope i have the resolve to get through this today, i am really tired and don't want to have a huge fight on my hands.  

[sami12]

Keep strong 

[moonunit]

Now she is emailing me to say that her daughter is quitting soccer tonight because i won't answer her calls or respond to her and that i was the only way she could get to the game.
Well, i guess her daughter is quitting soccer ? what kind of game is this ?

[Validation78]

Hey Moon!
   Hang in there friend. As I recall, she has used the not answering the phone thing with you before. I think you need to stick to your boundaries here regarding when you will/won't answer the phone. I just re-read the post about extinction bursts and intermittent rewards, so as a reminder to you, if you give into her persistence, and threats, she will continue to cross the boundaries knowing she can get what she wants from you if she pushes hard enough. I know that sticking to your guns and protecting your boundaries is hard, but it is what must be done in order to make the necessary changes, for the better! You did not create this situation, and if she can't get another ride to her daughter's game, then I guess whatever will be will be! Not your problem!

Best Wishes,
Val78

[moonunit]

Thankyou, she is continuing with the calls and nasty messages, threatening to do this and that, if she does, then i guess i will deal with it.
I don't want her daughter to quit soccer, but if her mother keeps up with this crap i guess that will be the outcome.
I am sick of playing her push/pull games, i don't want to do it anymore. If she pulls out all the stops the fallout to her will be devastating as i help her out financially. Time will tell, thanks for the support i sure need it right now, oh, theres another message for me, seesh     

[moonunit]

So, what do i do ?
Do i let her daughter quit, i know that her mom will paint me black to her and say that i am the reason she is not playing, etc etc.
Do i just let the chips fall where they will ?
The thought of hurting her daughter really doesn't sit well with me     

[Steph]

So, what do i do ?
Do i let her daughter quit, i know that her mom will paint me black to her and say that i am the reason she is not playing, etc etc.
Do i just let the chips fall where they will ?
The thought of hurting her daughter really doesn't sit well with me     

  You arent hurting her daughter...her mother is. She is using her as a pawn to get what she wants. If her daughter quits, it has nothing to do with you.


Stop reading her messages. Stop looking at your phone. Turn it off...thats what you need to do. Let her raging fall on deaf ears and eyes.. She is dysregulated. It isnt up to you to make her all better. There is good, healthy treatment for that.

[moonunit]

I am stuck at work and all she is doing is calling over and over again and leaving messages.
She says she is going to get me fired, well, if that were the case then she would be getting evicted from her house in a few months as i pay the mtg pymts, without a job i won't be able to do so.
I know she doesn't think about that, she is just so angry that all logic/reason is out the window.
Maybe i will let the chips fall and see how it effects both our lives, this really stinks ! 

[moonunit]

Steph, your right. She is blaming me for not picking up her daughter from the school bus because she is drunk right now and blames me for her smoking too much today and blames me for having her daughter quit soccer - she actually said this and then said that she will tell her daughter what i did to her and then said " oh, and you supposedly love her, your just a lier etc etc .. " nice huh     

[isilme]

HI moonunit - just wanted to give you a hug and tell you it's hard but good you are trying to stand strong and not take this abuse.

YOU are not responsible for whether her daughter quits soccer.  YOU are not responsible for how your SO is using her D as a tool to get to you - remember that a pwBPD, a parent with BPD, will often use the kids as tools instead of seeing or being able to care about them consistently as people in their own right. 

Is she calling your personal line/cell phone?  Is she having to call through a secretary who is taking down these messages?  If it's not going through a 3rd party, I'd just ignore the phone for a while, and not listen to her messages - you now they are irrational and meant to hurt you.  So decide not to listen to them - it'll at least let your day go a little better. 

[moonunit]

Well ,my work day is pretty much shot, i can't concentrate and just a slug at work - i think i will call it a day
Hopefully i will be around to post tomorrow on how things went - she is threatening me with the police , work bosses, you name it - i have had enough of this
thank you all for your support and wish me well !

[isilme]

moonunit - can you and would you consider letting your boss know you are having a hard time with your GF right now, and that she may take some irrational action as she is angry?  I know it may sound weird, but telling your boss, or at least someone in the office could help you out should your GF actually follow through on her threats.  I think it's unlikely, but if it worries you, it would be better for you to talk about before she tries something rather than have to prove innocence later.  It's not fair, but as the man, you face a more likely chance people will see her as the victim, and so watching your back is important. 

[onAmission]

Hi moonunit,
Sorry you are having to go through this rage. I wanted to say that I agree with Steph about turning your phone off, or at least on silent.  I did just that today as my dBPDh decided to send me several attacking texts. After the 3rd one, I texted back & told him I was turning off my phone & deleting any further texts unread. I have to admit, I turned the phone on silent but I still read the next few messages he sent   I did not respond though. He eventually stopped.

He used to do just what your SO is doing to you. He called a dozen or so times & I engaged in it (all while I was trying to teach our 4 children homeschool). If I turned the phones off, he would get so dysregulated that he would just show up at home & try to argue. If I left a room, he followed. If I went outside, he followed. I did not want to leave the house & have the kids alone with him. He would take the keys, slam the car door, drag the kids inside if I had tried to leave.

Eventually, I managed to take the kids and get out of town to a safe place. I ended up coming back after 2 months & what seemed to be a genuine positive change in him. Things started going downhill again eventually though. I am dealing with boundary issues right now. But, I will say that now, if I turn the phones off, he will usually just leave me alone.

I hope things calm down for you. It is scary! It sounds like she has you in the FOG right now (I seem to be in there too at the moment). She has you scared (Fear) of what she will do. You feel Obligated to take D to soccer, and you are feeling Guilty over choosing not to do something that you are not obligated to do.

I am working on strengthening my boundary against allowing myself to be pulled into the FOG trap (man it's hard at times & so easy to slip backwards too). Maybe working on your FOG boundary could help you in this situation. What do you think?

[desperate dutchman]

Hi moonunit sorry you are going through this.  I agree with the others. Call it a preemptive strike but I had employee whos husband was jealous BPD and she told me about his behavior   I acted as a buffer and answered a call that he was ranting on  he was surprised that her boss got on the phone and told him not to bother her at work (I have done the same with collection companies bothering employees). The employee said that it helped. Little did I know then what I would go through in the future. Ironic isn't it. I do some thing similar when my wife says something off the wall about our friends or  clients ( I go to them and ask in a non weird way if so and so is true) she is flabbergasted that I did it but it takes the wind out of her sail.

[moonunit]

well, i am still here  Hi!
Barely, but still here. So yesterday was an experience, i ended up taking her D to soccer ( it was their team photo day ), i couldn't bring myself to keep her daughter away from something she enjoys so much.
While there, her mom called and told me to take her home and then take her back to her game at least 4x. By the end her D said, so what am i doing ? She ended up playing and having a great game.
In the meantime my SO flipped out even further. She was accusing me of lusting after an employee, and lying about her, so what does she do, you got it, emails her at work and another employee at work and the manager at work and then emails her on facebook.
So this morning i had to sit down with the manager and discuss things, she basically told me if it happens again she will get corporate security involved and that will be just ugly for everyone.
So, i called her bluff and she had ended up with 4 aces.
She has calmed down today, tried to send emails out this morning to the individuals to say she was sorry, but the damage is done.       

[moonunit]

So now she is feeling guilty about fighting and doing what she did - she has said she is sorry to me at least 3x, well sorry is not going to fix the problem, i didn't say that to her in case your wondering.
I asked her what her brothers said to her today, she said why, i said because you called two of them and told them what was going on and told me that they would be out to get me today. She had no recollection of calling them and then i said what about X, did he call you, again i told her that she called him and said he would be out to get me today. She then said she didn't want to hear anymore about it and that she was laying down, and said this can't happen again ever. I told her that the way we were talking now, ( calmly ) that we could have discussed it better, but when alcohol is involved everyones emotions get a little excited, that anyone who has one to many can get emotional. She then said that she was going to have to do something about that, that she can't be drinking as much as she has been, its not good for her or her family.
Maybe now is the time to discuss AA with her again, i don't know. It seemed she was reaching out for help, time will tell, if she gets into drinking again tonight that will tell me all i need to know       
 

[Steph]

 Treatment, inpatient, makes alot of sense.

Talkking to a drug/alcohol counselor makes sense.

You putting boundaries out about her calling, etc, makes sense,

  She was in a blackout and when she is i another blackout, she wont remember this.

I would insist she do something concrete, like get into treatment.

Or it willl happen again. For sure.

That is alcoholism

And ya know, if it does? and it gets ugly for her? So be it..let her get arrested for terroristic threats, or whatever..::shrug::

Have you gone to Alanon yet? I have the sense that you have some denial around this, as well..."one too many" " Cant drink as much"...no. Shes an alcoholic, she was in a blackout..and completel sobriety is what will take care of it. Alcoholism is an illness that only gets worse with time


Steph

[moonunit]

She is telling me that she is sooooo embarrassed about what she did and said yesterday, half the time she was outside in her backyard screaming at me so all her neighbours heard everything. In addition she is embarrassed about what she sent to my co-workers. I have not left my office at all today because of how embarrassed i am with what happened, after all, people do like to gossip.  

Do i validate this emotion ( embarrassment ) ?
If so, any suggestions ?

Thank you

[iluminati]

Good job with everything.  You avoided her calls, didn't take the bait with soccer, and did the appropriate action with her threats.  She'll just have to be embarrassed.  No one told her to drink all that liquor.  I'm with Steph on this one.  She needs to dry out before anything else can happen, including AA. 

She might have finally hit bottom, moonunit.  Be thankful for that.

[Steph]

She is telling me that she is sooooo embarrassed about what she did and said yesterday, half the time she was outside in her backyard screaming at me so all her neighbours heard everything. In addition she is embarrassed about what she sent to my co-workers. I have not left my office at all today because of how embarrassed i am with what happened, after all, people do like to gossip.  

Do i validate this emotion ( embarrassment ) ?
If so, any suggestions ?

Thank you

 " It sure makes sense to me that you would feel embarrassed. What do you want to do to make sure that your drinking doesnt get out of control again?"

 I would encourage inpatient treatment



 You are dealing with alcoholism here...she gets to experience the consequences of her drinking and please do NOT cushion her from them. To experience the consequences is something that she needs to take that first step into sovbriety. She cannot even be in DBT if she isnt sober. That has to come first.

 Steph...sober for 32 years

Steph