uBPDH is completely unstable right now

[Think About It...]

He spent Friday night at where he works, drank a bottle of liquor, and someone came in early on Saturday morning and saw him.  he doesn't know who - but his manager knows that he was there drinking on the weekend.  I don't know if his job will survive this.  We depend on his income for everything.

He's drinking wine & liquor incessantly.  He is totally unstable when he is awake - yesterday afternoon I took the kids to the pool; I told him that before we left, but he slept and awoke thinking it was Monday morning rather than Sunday afternoon and thought that I had taken the kids and left him.  He was completely unhinged, and drank even more.  When I returned home, he was nearly passed out, barely responsive. 

I realized he was likely BPD a couple of weeks ago.  I've been reading how for me to deal with it.  We've been married nearly 10 years, have three children, two boys age 6 (twins), a girl age 4.  I find that in many ways, my coping skills were approaching what is suggested for families coping w/ BPD -- I am not angry.  I realized years ago that his problems had little, if anything, to do with me, although I often triggered problems.  I realized that it had to somehow stem from the childhood physical abuse.  I struggle with not being hurt when he says hurtful things...but much of it rolls right over me.  He's been heavily self-medicating with alcohol for over a year now.  It is ruining him.  He was in  the hospital for pancreatitis in April, and now denies that the drinking caused the pancreatitis -- he has made himself believe that the blood infection caused by the pancreatitis was what caused the pancreatitis, and that the blood infection was from a tattoo he got mid March. 

I'm trying to start discovering my boundaries, and learning to enforce them.  I have started to break his isolation of me, and am reaching out to friends and family, although he is not aware of this. 

My biggest problem -- he is drunk and sleeping from his trazadone (which he takes to help him sleep -- alcohol consumption has ruined his ability to sleep well) -- is that he staunchly refuses to seek outside help.  I am struggling daily with the emotional turmoil and drama he is creating.  I'm trying to cope, to be there for the kids, to run our business.  I started getting really sick a couple of months back -- was sick with one thing or another for nearly a month.  I know it is stress related.  I'm trying to make sure I get enough sleep.  I've done well except for the last two nights. 

I'm scared that he is going to lose his job.  My business doesn't make nearly enough, and with all of the emotional drama going on, I find it very difficult to focus in the way required to get more business.  I've decided to go back to school and become a PA (I have an undergraduate degree already)...but completing that program is 3 or 4 years off and will cost $100k. 

I don't know what to do.  He won't get help.  He was rapidly changing this morning from crying to self-anger, self-hatred -- his inner self vs. his "walls".  It was almost like watching someone with split personality disorder having an internal war. 

I'm pretty disengaged and detached right now.  But with him unstable, how to proceed?

[Carmina]

He spent Friday night at where he works, drank a bottle of liquor, and someone came in early on Saturday morning and saw him.  he doesn't know who - but his manager knows that he was there drinking on the weekend.  I don't know if his job will survive this.  We depend on his income for everything.

He's drinking wine & liquor incessantly.  He is totally unstable when he is awake - yesterday afternoon I took the kids to the pool; I told him that before we left, but he slept and awoke thinking it was Monday morning rather than Sunday afternoon and thought that I had taken the kids and left him.  He was completely unhinged, and drank even more.  When I returned home, he was nearly passed out, barely responsive. 

I realized he was likely BPD a couple of weeks ago.  I've been reading how for me to deal with it.  We've been married nearly 10 years, have three children, two boys age 6 (twins), a girl age 4.  I find that in many ways, my coping skills were approaching what is suggested for families coping w/ BPD -- I am not angry.  I realized years ago that his problems had little, if anything, to do with me, although I often triggered problems.  I realized that it had to somehow stem from the childhood physical abuse.  I struggle with not being hurt when he says hurtful things...but much of it rolls right over me.  He's been heavily self-medicating with alcohol for over a year now.  It is ruining him.  He was in  the hospital for pancreatitis in April, and now denies that the drinking caused the pancreatitis -- he has made himself believe that the blood infection caused by the pancreatitis was what caused the pancreatitis, and that the blood infection was from a tattoo he got mid March. 

I'm trying to start discovering my boundaries, and learning to enforce them.  I have started to break his isolation of me, and am reaching out to friends and family, although he is not aware of this. 

My biggest problem -- he is drunk and sleeping from his trazadone (which he takes to help him sleep -- alcohol consumption has ruined his ability to sleep well) -- is that he staunchly refuses to seek outside help.  I am struggling daily with the emotional turmoil and drama he is creating.  I'm trying to cope, to be there for the kids, to run our business.  I started getting really sick a couple of months back -- was sick with one thing or another for nearly a month.  I know it is stress related.  I'm trying to make sure I get enough sleep.  I've done well except for the last two nights. 

I'm scared that he is going to lose his job.  My business doesn't make nearly enough, and with all of the emotional drama going on, I find it very difficult to focus in the way required to get more business.  I've decided to go back to school and become a PA (I have an undergraduate degree already)...but completing that program is 3 or 4 years off and will cost $100k. 

I don't know what to do.  He won't get help.  He was rapidly changing this morning from crying to self-anger, self-hatred -- his inner self vs. his "walls".  It was almost like watching someone with split personality disorder having an internal war. 

I'm pretty disengaged and detached right now.  But with him unstable, how to proceed?

[briefcase]

Hi,

It sounds like he has a pretty bad alcohol problem, which probably needs addressed before anything else can happen on the BPD front.  You can't control his alcoholism or BPD.  Keep taking care of yourself and the kids as best you can.  Can you find another job that pays more?  If he spent Friday night at the office drinking all night and the boss found out . . . well, that's not looking good. 

Keep reaching out and reconnecting with friends and family.  Rely on these people for support.  It would be a great idea for you to hire a therapist to help you through these difficult times. 

 

[Carmina]

True, I can't repair/improve the relationship much while he drinks so heavily.  On the other hand, the alcoholism can't be addressed without addressing the reason he drinks, which is BPD -- it is because he intrinsically sees himself as weak and flawed -- and tries to wall that part away from himself and the world with a facade of anger and strength.

I'm so stuck.

[united for now]

He drinks to escape hits own emotional pain.
They can't treat the mental illness as long as he drinks though.

Have you looked into attending Al anon?

[Steph]

He drinks to escape hits own emotional pain.
They can't treat the mental illness as long as he drinks though.

Have you looked into attending Al anon?

 Its possible that alcohol is at the root of the behavioral issues he has. It is possible that if he got treatment for alcoholism and stayed sober, he may not have a personality disorder at all..but needs a program for recovery from chemical addiction. Any treatment for BPD demands sobriety.

  Please do get to Alanon..its something you can do to stop the crazy stuff from your own perspective and a place to get support and caring for you. And its free.

   Whatever the reason he started to drink, he now drinks because he is an alcoholic. With any luck, his job may require him to seek treatment or lose it. Pancreatitis suggests a later stage alcoholism as well.


Steph

[Carmina]

something positive - finally.

I returned home from shopping to an apologetic H, who actually asked me for help to stop drinking alcohol.  (He's been "trying to cut back" while actually escalating use since January and utterly refused my offers of support.)

I wish I could simply ascribe the BPD behavior to alcohol, but that would be too simplistic.  I've known him for 12 years, been married nearly 10, he has only drunk alcohol for 6 years, and heavily enough to affect his behavior for about 15 months. While alcohol certainly exacerbates the BPD behavior, now that I know what BPD behavior is, it has been there all along, and it explains so very much.  I have been isolated for years.  H becomes suspiscious of any social circle we are involved in within a few months.  H is verbally and emotionally abusive.  H tries to control everything and everyone around him.  H makes emotional decisions with money.  He was physically abused by his parents.  One of our sons is very emotionally sensitive, at age six he is going to a behavioral classroom for first grade, and my husband's same age cousin tells me that son reminds her of my H when he was young. 

[atcrossroads]

Carmina - I posted for first time on this board last night and relate so very much to your story.  I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I am wondering myself if my husband's substance issues (he's on trazadone also plus his psych is giving him 90 xanax at a pop with refills -- what in the world?).

I have always known that my husband had issues -- anger, substance abuse (daily pot smoker), unresolved childhood stuff, very reactive personality -- but only discovered BPD this spring. He had total melt down/nervous breakdown this year and missed about 4 months of work.  He recognizes he needs help -- finally got to a good DBT therapist.

What does he do?

Takes off yesterday with a backpack to the mountains -- lots of self-loathing while at the same time blaming me and everyone else for his problems.  Canceled all his appointments for this week (this was to be his first week of group DBT).  Blames that on the T, saying he is supposed to have individual and group in a week but therapist was overbooked and could only get him in group. 

So, he's on lexapro, xanax, trazadone, pot, oh, and he's an insulin dependent type 1 diabetic... somewhere in the mountains with his tent and backpack.

I'm glad your husband is asking for help -- maybe this is his rock bottom and he can get help he needs.  I hope so!

It's all so nerve-wracking ... it's almost like the more I read and learn, the more nerve-wracked I become, but I realize I have no control.

What to do?

[Carmina]

Atcrossroads:
My H tried pot years ago and declared that it "did nothing for him" - he came in, watched a movie he wanted to see, and then was irritated that he couldn't remember the movie. 

However, Saturday night we had a social and an individual came with pot & a pipe...drunk H smoked, and then had to simply go to bed.  LOL. 

Before his about face Monday night I was inches away from throwing in the towel...it's been very bad the past few months.  I love him...but the stress was destroying my life.  Now...I'm wary.  I'm curious where this new path will lead.  My H has accomplished some amazing things in his life (and screwed up many others) -- he used to weigh 400+ pounds, but got a lapband in Mexico, got all the weight off in 1 year, and has kept it off for over 4 years.  However...I think he substituted soothing with food to soothing with alcohol, and his eating disorder changed from over eating to under eating.  But then he switches out of under eating and binges.

Still...if he can make the change about food, it shows that he does have an ability to make changes in himself if he is focused on doing it.  I think he's been sensing that I was close to leaving. 

I gave up on fairytale relationships a very long time ago.  I just want a relationship that functions enough that the children & I are healthy and happy.  I don't mind getting my emotional needs met outside my marriage.  I'm working on that, and have been for a year now.  Progress is slow!

I've looked into Alanon; I'm considering it.  It's tricky -- H & I were raised in a rather fundamental style religion and left it.  We are atheists, so the concept of a "higher power" creates cognitive dissonance in me.  Also, H considers all organized religion to be ... hmm ... evil, bad, manipulative, etc., so if I go to a meeting at a church, I get to have him vilify me for it day in and day out and I'm not sure I'm ready for that.  It seems all of the local Alanon meetings are held at churches.

H is on Trazadone to sleep, Paxil for depression, Xanax for anxiety.  When he goes cold turkey off of alcohol I heavily encourage him to lean on the Xanax to avoid scary withdrawal symptoms from the alcohol.   (This is the third time he's done it in 2 months.)  He is on a host of other meds related to complications of the pancreatitis and treatment of it.  I wish I could talk confidentially with the doctor who attended him at the hospital...it is so hard to get concrete doctor-imparted knowledge out of him.  The facts (blood levels, test results, etc.) are easy - they are on papers, can be requested, but doctor's opinions are harder to come by.

My H hates ever being alone.  So he doesn't much go off by himself unless he is re-working his "walls". 

I do understand how scary it is for a spouse with medical conditions that he may or may not care for to go off alone for a while...
 
I thought the pancreatitis would be rock bottom...and it wasn't.  Then I thought the day I left him alone because his words scared me might be rock bottom...but it wasn't.  So I'd love for this to be...but I'm not holding my breath. 

[atcrossroads]

We truly are in very similar spots.  My husband has been in a very self-destructive downward spiral, and I was so hopeful about the DBT, and he even liked the therapist.  But now... this?

And, since I wrote that post, I've been worried sick -- was keeping it in a little but putting it to paper has me all anxious and picturing him having an insulin reaction or something like that all alone in the mountains.  I guess in a way it's good for me -- I MUST realize I cannot take care of him.  He must take care of himself.  But I so desperately want him to get help, and it is so very hard to watch him self-destruct.  I feel sorry for him. And, then of course, I also love him.  But this spring I planned out my whole divorce and ordered books, etc. about it, so... I am close to that point myself.  He is so wonderful when he is "well" but his year has been utterly hellish.

Your husband's addictions are interesting -- funny about the pot just making him fall asleep, but it's all the same really.  I guess just something to numb the pain, whether it be alcohol, food, sex, pot, etc.  My husband also smokes cigarettes and drinks a bunch of soda.  He just had 8 (!) cavities and was told by dentist he must stop soda if he wants to keep teeth.  He comes home Monday from getting the last 4 filled and pops open a Dr. Pepper, almost daring me to say something. 

I refrained and didn't say a word.

It's a slow suicide, he's in pain, and I just wish he would commit to the treatment he so desperately needs.

I'm glad to have found you because our stories are so similar (although we have no kids), and so much of what I've read focuses on BPD women.

Hang in there!   

[Carmina]

wow, very similar situations.  Be glad you don't have kids, it complicates things so very much. 

He just came home and the biggest niggling worry has been laid to rest -- his bottle of liquor was found at work Monday morning, and they knew he'd been drinking there.  He had his "review" regarding the incident at work today, and he was simply "written up" for the first time ever at a job he's had for over 5 years.  Phew. 

The last year has been hellish for me. 

H also smokes and chews.  The smoking comes and goes, and is to relax and deal with anxiety; the chew is to keep him awake (he has completely messed up his ability to sleep well with the alcohol over-use.)  Over the weekend, one time when he was raging, he accused me of being judgmental about the tobacco use, out of the blue.  I had to let him know that I really wasn't too concerned about the tobacco at this point.  It isn't nearly as self-destructive as the alcohol.  Or as dangerous.  As long as he doesn't do the tobacco long term, it won't affect him much.