I cant figure this one out.

[Think About It...]

Last week I recieved a message on my phone from my exgf. She was telling me how much she missed us and me and how everything in relationship ment the world to her. This after 5 weeks of not seeing each other and not talking for about 10 days. After the call shes texted me all evening and I ended up driving to see her. We spent the night together where she told me how much loved me and missed me but without any change we would just keep repeating the cycle (which i agree). The next night she texted me a randon text at 0100in morning. The next day i went saw her we spent time together and talked alot. That evening she drove to see me and spent about 3 hours together, just talking and laughing. we have talked briefly ever since, with her iniated it and me responding and sometimes me iniiating. Today she called me and we talked and I talked about us working on things and she said that she is devoted to us not being together until somthing changes, but she loved me and didnt want me to leave her life. I sent her a text telling her that I was commited to doing whatever we needed to do work on everything. She is convince that i need therapy (which I feel like I do, even if just to figure out why I stay in this mess) I told her I had made contact with a therapist and was waiting for an apointment time. I sent her a text earlier just telling her once gain how commited I was and now Im getting no repsonce. Just silent. I know she could be busy but I guess my concern is she just shutting me off again and pulling back. She told me while we was apart that she ahd went on one date with a guy, just to try to get over me. but It didnt work. I curious because it didnt work is that why she reached out for me and once she felt I was back ,is she back to pushing me way becuase she feels secure that im back in the loop.

[mitchell16]

Last week I recieved a message on my phone from my exgf. She was telling me how much she missed us and me and how everything in relationship ment the world to her. This after 5 weeks of not seeing each other and not talking for about 10 days. After the call shes texted me all evening and I ended up driving to see her. We spent the night together where she told me how much loved me and missed me but without any change we would just keep repeating the cycle (which i agree). The next night she texted me a randon text at 0100in morning. The next day i went saw her we spent time together and talked alot. That evening she drove to see me and spent about 3 hours together, just talking and laughing. we have talked briefly ever since, with her iniated it and me responding and sometimes me iniiating. Today she called me and we talked and I talked about us working on things and she said that she is devoted to us not being together until somthing changes, but she loved me and didnt want me to leave her life. I sent her a text telling her that I was commited to doing whatever we needed to do work on everything. She is convince that i need therapy (which I feel like I do, even if just to figure out why I stay in this mess) I told her I had made contact with a therapist and was waiting for an apointment time. I sent her a text earlier just telling her once gain how commited I was and now Im getting no repsonce. Just silent. I know she could be busy but I guess my concern is she just shutting me off again and pulling back. She told me while we was apart that she ahd went on one date with a guy, just to try to get over me. but It didnt work. I curious because it didnt work is that why she reached out for me and once she felt I was back ,is she back to pushing me way becuase she feels secure that im back in the loop.

[forgottenarm]

Well Mitchell, I think it's waaaay too soon to tell.  When did you send the text?  It sounds to me like there could be a million and one reasons for her not to respond, none of which involves changing feelings or a rebound.  So, don't anticipate the worst.

That said . . .

I think it's worth noticing that your gut's telling you to anticipate the worst.  Something's tripping your radar in this situation.  You don't feel safe.  What's causing that feeling?

A few possibilities, based on your post and what I know of my ex:

1. You've really rushed back into a situation based on a promissory note about her going to therapy.  And most of her drive for therapy is to figure out what's wrong with YOU.  Sweetheart, I just did the exact same thing a month ago.  Exactly to the letter.  I hope in your case that it works out, but I wish now I had said, "That sounds super---see you at the therapist's office---other than that, let's take it slow."  I'm not sure what drove me back so easily, except the sense that these are always "limited time offers," if you know what I mean.  At any rate, I think you're feeling antsy because you've allowed yourself to be vulnerable.

2. She's triangulating (read definition) with you and this other guy and you know it.  Maybe she went on a date with him.  Maybe there's more.  But she's knocked you off-balance somehow with this news.  Think about how she put it to you and what you would need to know or ask to feel safe.

Pulling for you Mitchell!  Just want to make sure you take care of yourself.  

[marbleloser]

I agree completely with forgottenarm. This is classic push/pull and triangulation (read definition).Your rational thinking is telling you to be alert,that there are red flags here.Your heart doesn't want to hear it. How's your anxiety level when you're around her? That should tell you alot about yourself.

[myself]

she said that she is devoted to us not being together until somthing changes, but she loved me and didnt want me to leave her life. I sent her a text telling her that I was commited to doing whatever we needed to do work on everything. She is convince that i need therapy (which I feel like I do, even if just to figure out why I stay in this mess)

I sent her a text earlier just telling her once gain how commited I was and now Im getting no repsonce. Just silent. I know she could be busy but I guess my concern is she just shutting me off again and pulling back.

 I curious because it didnt work is that why she reached out for me and once she felt I was back ,is she back to pushing me way becuase she feels secure that im back in the loop.

She wants/needs change. Is she saying it's only You who needs improvement? Or is she saying what she'll change too, and showing you she's doing so? Why does she say you're the one who needs the therapy? Does she acknowledge her own issues? I see why you'd want to understand why you 'stay in the mess', that's a healthy thing to do for yourself for sure. But then again, why WOULD you want to stay in the mess? If she's not offering to change, and it's all on you, didn't you already go through that? Wasn't it a 'mess'? Given another chance, when it's all on you, do you think you can fix it this time?

Repeatedly telling her how committed you are may just be pushing her away. Your intentions are good, but closeness could be triggering her off again. Even if she's genuinely reaching out to you, too much too soon could get her running. Take it slower. Be more patient. If it's meant to be, it will be. Do the work you need to do, for yourself, and then if the two of you end up together, your side of things will be taken care of.

As the others said here, follow your instincts. The ones that tell you who you really are and who she is, too. She might be pretty, funny, successful, smart, whatever. Doesn't mean she's the one for you, if what's inside of that is hurting you and causing so much confusion. Someone saying they're 'devoted to us not being together' doesn't sound like someone you're really in a real relationship with. "Until something changes," she said. So: Are you up for it? Which patterns need to change? Is she honestly trying to be with you? She could just be keeping you around as a backup. Not wanting to stay, but holding on because she's scared to let go completely. Take yourself out of the loop, focus on your own healing, see where it stands then. Time will tell. Best of luck to you.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[mitchell16]

myself, On one hand she makes sense that we keep doing the same things over and over and we need to change it. The thing are that we end up back togther and in 3 or 4 weeks we are splitting up again. Of course my take is that she starts pushing me away, which it makes me kling harder because Im completely clueless what or why things are happend. Of course she then says that Im smothering her them, She always says that I have control issues and to some degree she is right. I have had some trauma in my life that cuases me when I sense something is wrong or going to happen I will try to prevent it. Does this happen everyday, No, it dont even happen every few month. What she is twisting around is in the past she has taken these mini trips. On one occasion she used it to meet her ex behind my back. Of course prior to this happening she push/pulled me for a whole month. Now when she starts doing this behavior which she has about 3  or 4 times. It does cause me to try and figure out what is going, is she leaving again etc. But she twist that around to saying Im to controlling. I never have told what to wear, where to go, etc. That what she says is the issue and of course she says that my issue triggers her issues. But I feel its the other way around. When she starts the withdraw then of course I start to try and figure it all out. Im worried that she is just keeping the connection open so she feels secure while she does what ever she wants to do. I dont mind being here for her but I dont want to be used. Of ocurse I wonder if this guy she wnet on a date with didnt turn out to be all she thought and she decided just to keep me on the line.

[schwing]

Hi Mitchell16,

You posted in "[L3] Leaving: Detaching" so my question to you is are you committed to detaching or are you now "undecided"?

Last week I recieved a message on my phone from my exgf. She was telling me how much she missed us and me and how everything in relationship ment the world to her. This after 5 weeks of not seeing each other and not talking for about 10 days.

She tells you that you meant "the world" to her and that she "missed" being together but this is after 5 weeks on not seeing each other and not talking for about 10 days.  Does what she say square with what she does?  In my experience, it is best to trust action over words.

Today she called me and we talked and I talked about us working on things and she said that she is devoted to us not being together until somthing changes, but she loved me and didnt want me to leave her life.

So.  She was you to "not be together until something changes" but at the same time didn't want you to leave her life.  Does that sound like a push-pull?

She wants you to see a therapist.  Does she have any intention to do the same.  What if, in her head, she imagines the problem all resides in you?  This is a very common behavior for people with BPD to be in denial about their own dysfunction; they might use us as a scapegoat for their disordered feelings and thoughts.

From my perspective, she might be the one who is having trouble being in an intimate relationship without it triggering her disordered feelings and thoughts.  But instead of face them, she chooses to believe that the problem is you.  And she is asking you to change but she does not want to face any of her issues.

She "loves" you but does she behave like someone who loves another person?  Is it love to require someone else be at your beck-and-call but when the other person needs you, you are not available?

She doesn't want you to leave her life, but she seems pretty fine with leaving your life from time to time for some undisclosed duration of time.

I sent her a text earlier just telling her once gain how commited I was and now Im getting no repsonce. Just silent.

So when she wants to communicate, you must be around.  But when you want to communicate, she can pick and choose when she deigns to reply.  Does that sound like love?

I know she could be busy but I guess my concern is she just shutting me off again and pulling back. She told me while we was apart that she ahd went on one date with a guy, just to try to get over me. but It didnt work.

Unless it did work and for 5 weeks she was "over" you.  Until the other guy started triggering her disordered feelings and thoughts and she had to "get away" from him.  And she ran to you.  Until her disordered feelings and thoughts subsided and she went back to him.  Haven't you been on the other side of this pattern of behavior before?

I curious because it didnt work is that why she reached out for me and once she felt I was back ,is she back to pushing me way becuase she feels secure that im back in the loop.

I think pwBPD prefer to have non-monogamous relations with multiple people (if they can get away with it).  This way, when one person triggers their disordered feelings and thoughts, they can switch partners.  And they will keep switching partners as long as they are committed to continuing with their patterns of behavior.  The hard part for them is to find partners who are willing to accept this kind of interpersonal relationship.

On one hand she makes sense that we keep doing the same things over and over and we need to change it. The thing are that we end up back togther and in 3 or 4 weeks we are splitting up again.

What you think needs to change may not be what she thinks needs to be changed.  She seems perfectly find with continuing with the pattern you described.

Of course my take is that she starts pushing me away, which it makes me kling harder because Im completely clueless what or why things are happend.

You don't understand why she does what she does.  But do you understand what you want for yourself, and if this is the kind of relationship you choose for yourself?

Of course she then says that Im smothering her them, She always says that I have control issues and to some degree she is right.

Are you looking for "control"?  Or are you looking for "commitment"?  They are not the same thing.

But she twist that around to saying Im to controlling.

Anything you do that she doesn't like, she might as well call "controlling."  What if you're suspecting that she's cheating on you.  And you take actions to find out if she is.  Then she calls that "controlling."  Shouldn't you call it "self-preservation."  It's not "controlling" if you're just trying to avoid having your heart broken.  And it sounds like she has not issue with breaking your heart so long as you are the one who "changes."

  I dont mind being here for her but I dont want to be used.

Define "being used."  If you don't know how she is using you, are you still being used?

Best wishes, Schwing

[mitchell16]

schwing Thanks I needed that. Your are so right. What she considers control I do, consider it commitment. The only time this stuff happens on my end is when she is acting what I call shaky. Starts pushing me away, doesent want to see me and at the point everything I do is wrong. The at the end she says she ahs to get out of town for her space. and then she says I smother her. But there was a time in the first 4 months that She wanted me with her day and night and every weekend. once we had our first break up it came back to normal but then it started again
During the weeks she went on some trips to visit her family and once trip with some friends and she claims she was just working and going home. I live in another state so I just have to take her word at it. The other guy she claimed she met him and he asked her out and she went out to eat with him one night and that was it. Its anybodys guess what really happened.
She works in the therapy field and of course she claims she is seeing a tehrapist that works in her company. Of course the problem i see with that is the therapist is a friend that doesnt know the full extint of her actions and how she acts in a relationship. Therapist only know what she tell thems and being the tehrapy field she knows all to well how to manuplate the outcome and sway the information to get the results she wants. Which is anything but BPD. abondement fears, dettachement issues, relationship issues. When I say friend the other therapist only knows her in the work enviorement. I think your right about tehe muliple people, she claims that she was gonna have one night dates with diffrent people becuase thats what she always used to do not be comiited just randomly date. Im not looking for control IM looking for commitment and mutal respect. Of ocurse she says all the one dates are with out sex and that she ws just using teh dates as a way to get over the relationshipwith me.

[oletimefeelin]

Mitch,

I don't think she's ever going to find this attractive.  She's got you wrapped around her little finger.  When she says jump, you ask how high?  Why would she return your call right away?  She always knows you'll be there.

Take a step back here.  You are the one offering to do all the work.  No doubt you have your own issues, but I'd guess she brought the lion's share into this arrangement.

[upsidedown]

She could just be keeping you around as a backup.  Not wanting to stay, but holding on because she's scared to let go completely. 

This is exactly what mine did when I contacted him a month or so out to ask how he remembered the times he'd lied about me (i.e. if his version was truly his reality or if he was consciously lying to make himself look less like an a-hole).  You can tell I really wasn't grasping the concept of BPD, but I digress.

Anyway, he told me he'd met a woman, slept with her a few times "but it just wasn't the same as with you upsidedown.  I told her I wasn't over you and ended it."   Suddenly, a few days later, when I'd made it abundantly clear that I was no longer his sure thing, she was asking him to spend the weekend at her camp.  Classic triangulation (read definition) Mitchell.  Run as far and as fast as you can.  There's nothing in that place except a crap-load of pain.  I can say that now that I've crawled out from under the pile.

BTW, mine said he wanted to see our therapist for answers too, but when pushed (and when he found out I'd transferred all our text exchanges to my computer and recorded his "crazy-making"), he chickened out.  Someone else suggested meeting her there and having little or no contact till she does?  Ditto

[upsidedown]

Anything you do that she doesn't like, she might as well call "controlling."  What if you're suspecting that she's cheating on you.  And you take actions to find out if she is.  Then she calls that "controlling."  Shouldn't you call it "self-preservation."  It's not "controlling" if you're just trying to avoid having your heart broken.  And it sounds like she has not issue with breaking your heart so long as you are the one who "changes."

Me again.  Sorry, but now that I'm out, I feel this compulsive need to "save" anyone who is in the same head space I was 6 months ago.  Right now, that's you.

The above were always the things that triggered mine to dysregulate.  I knew darned well he was cheating and finally enlisted the help of a retired P.I. friend to help me prove it.  It was self-preservation on my part, but crazyx accused me of being controlling.

I so wish we could learn from others' experiences, but I know that's just as pie in the sky as convincing myself I could somehow help him.  I'd love to read your posts a month from now saying "I took everyone's advice, started caring about myself again and realized I deserve better than my ex can give me."

[myself]

Mitchell16, good advice and truthful responses here, best wishes for the future too.

Your story sounds like mine in so many of the details, like so many others here as well. It sounds like you're just being played. I mean, I hope you're not, but, you probably are. I was. Lots of people were. Every story's different, but c'mon. Too many common patterns here. Not enough reciprocation or respect. Schwing laid it all out pretty well, there's a lot to chew on there. One line that stuck out was: *Are you looking for "control"?  Or are you looking for "commitment"?  They are not the same thing.*

In my own situation, I was labelled the 'controller', especially at the end. When in fact, if anything, I had gone so far the other way that she was 'free' to do Anything she wanted. Including abusing me and all that goes along with that. I could have put a stop to it, and walked away, a long time ago but I didn't. I kept bending over backwards trying to find a way to help the relationship work, not end it. I wasn't trying to 'control' the situation by proving I'd meet her in the middle somewhere. Did she meet me there? No. Did the woman you're speaking of meet you there? No. Is she Now? It doesn't sound like it.

Read back your last line here: "she was just using the dates as a way to get over the relationship with me." Has she proven any of that's changed? Again, as Schwing so rightly said: "it is best to trust action over words." What's she REALLY Doing? Is she approaching you like the one she's choosing to be her loving life-partner? Or...?

Some of your story is like it was written by my twin. If you were my twin, I'd tell you to walk right out of those triangles going on with her and don't look back. Since you're not my twin, please listen anyway. (I'm in the same boat, listening to this too.) I think you already have it 'figured out'. You're just heading towards Detachment, which is one of the hardest parts of this whole thing that's happening with us. It's also the part with the most positive growth, and you're growing now. Take care of yourself along the way.

If you stay, it sounds like you'll be controlled. You'll keep those patterns going. If you commit to leave, you'll find your freedom. If it turns out you two are meant to be together, you'll be free to do so, once you're sure, and it will be a true commitment. (Dreaming's alright sometimes. Meaning, the odds of it in Reality are against it.)

Until then, take your own control. You know what's best for you. Peace.

[GlennT]

You know you are going to end up where you were by her disorder pointing and leading you...you should be well aware of what you need to do by this point...you two are doing circular stuff that needs to stop. Cross your arms..control yourself..stand your ground...be proud of yourself..we're proud of you..stand up..stand tall.. NC!

[Slowlybutsurely]

Yeah, there is a reason we are all pretty much saying the same thing, and why is that?  Because your story sounds so similar to ours! Your ex is saying the same things our ex's said, and you are saying the same things we've said to ourselves and this board. And why is that?  Cause we've all been involved with really messed up people!  So, there you go. We all see where this is going, and my guess is that you kind of do too, but just don't want to accept it, once again. It sucks, that is for sure. And if any of us could have somehow bypassed the sucky part and made it work with our ex's, we would have. But we couldn't, because there just isn't a way. So, do what you need to do this time around again, but know full well what is coming. 

[mitchell16]

Thanks for all the great advice. This board has probably saved my sanity becuase this person has convinced me that it was all me. But in my heart I knew i wasnt doing the things that was said and if I did do something what I was accused of was not my intentions.
There have been so many incidents. I mean she would repeatly tell me about guys makeing passes at her all the time. I started noticing if I didnt say anything the stories got more frequent or more intense. Then once I said something, she would verabally bash me for being to jealous.

I seen alot of passive/aggressive traits. Would build me up to, say go on a trip with her and her family and at the last possible minute all of a sudden once her family members didnt feel comfortable having me go. Or she would build me up to see her when I havent saw her in a week or so and then at the last minute, back out. I told her once it was like she enjoyed torturing me for some reason.
She would bring the subject up about getting married and when I was all for it she would suddenly change her mind and decide she could do it. She would then break up with me, stay gone for about 2 or 3 weeks and then she would wont us back togther, only to do teh same thing again. I once asked her why she would bring the marrige thing up, if she didnt want to do it. She never could give me an answer. I think it was a guage to see where I was at on the relationship. I do know how this will end. but some reason I cant get of the crazy train. I do have an appointment with a therapist later in month. Of course she likes this but I beleive in her mind that it valdates that Im the one with the problem.

[Slowlybutsurely]

"I do know how this will end. but some reason I cant get of the crazy train."

We've all been there. I was there for over 15 breakups with the ex (my decision each time...), over and over and over and over, until I finally had to stop. Some stay for decades. It's over when it's over, you know?  For me, there finally came a moment, a conversation with her, when I finally just KNEW. It was never going to work, she was never going to make sense, I was going to continue to be hurt. Since then, I've hurt and grieved immensely, but I cut off all contact with her from that point on.
It is so painful to realize--intellectually and emotionally--that they just can't be in a relationship with you, no matter what you do and how hard you try. It was soooo hard to accept that. I wanted her as my life partner so deeply, and I absolutely loved her and would have done anything for her. But it was never in my power to make the relationship happen, no matter what I said (it all got twisted or forgotten anyway) or did (ditto).

You are in the same boat, my friend. It's not a fun place to be. At some point, she will say or do something that will hit you just so, and somehow the truth of it all will just come crashing down, and you'll know that getting off the crazy train is your only choice, unless you want to keep taking it all the way to...  where does it lead, anyway?

[BleedsOrange]

Hi Mitchell16,

You posted in "[L3] Leaving: Detaching" so my question to you is are you committed to detaching or are you now "undecided"?

Last week I recieved a message on my phone from my exgf. She was telling me how much she missed us and me and how everything in relationship ment the world to her. This after 5 weeks of not seeing each other and not talking for about 10 days.

She tells you that you meant "the world" to her and that she "missed" being together but this is after 5 weeks on not seeing each other and not talking for about 10 days.  Does what she say square with what she does?  In my experience, it is best to trust action over words.

Today she called me and we talked and I talked about us working on things and she said that she is devoted to us not being together until somthing changes, but she loved me and didnt want me to leave her life.

So.  She was you to "not be together until something changes" but at the same time didn't want you to leave her life.  Does that sound like a push-pull?

She wants you to see a therapist.  Does she have any intention to do the same.  What if, in her head, she imagines the problem all resides in you?  This is a very common behavior for people with BPD to be in denial about their own dysfunction; they might use us as a scapegoat for their disordered feelings and thoughts.

From my perspective, she might be the one who is having trouble being in an intimate relationship without it triggering her disordered feelings and thoughts.  But instead of face them, she chooses to believe that the problem is you.  And she is asking you to change but she does not want to face any of her issues.

She "loves" you but does she behave like someone who loves another person?  Is it love to require someone else be at your beck-and-call but when the other person needs you, you are not available?

She doesn't want you to leave her life, but she seems pretty fine with leaving your life from time to time for some undisclosed duration of time.

I sent her a text earlier just telling her once gain how commited I was and now Im getting no repsonce. Just silent.

So when she wants to communicate, you must be around.  But when you want to communicate, she can pick and choose when she deigns to reply.  Does that sound like love?

I know she could be busy but I guess my concern is she just shutting me off again and pulling back. She told me while we was apart that she ahd went on one date with a guy, just to try to get over me. but It didnt work.

Unless it did work and for 5 weeks she was "over" you.  Until the other guy started triggering her disordered feelings and thoughts and she had to "get away" from him.  And she ran to you.  Until her disordered feelings and thoughts subsided and she went back to him.  Haven't you been on the other side of this pattern of behavior before?

I curious because it didnt work is that why she reached out for me and once she felt I was back ,is she back to pushing me way becuase she feels secure that im back in the loop.

I think pwBPD prefer to have non-monogamous relations with multiple people (if they can get away with it).  This way, when one person triggers their disordered feelings and thoughts, they can switch partners.  And they will keep switching partners as long as they are committed to continuing with their patterns of behavior.  The hard part for them is to find partners who are willing to accept this kind of interpersonal relationship.

On one hand she makes sense that we keep doing the same things over and over and we need to change it. The thing are that we end up back togther and in 3 or 4 weeks we are splitting up again.

What you think needs to change may not be what she thinks needs to be changed.  She seems perfectly find with continuing with the pattern you described.

Of course my take is that she starts pushing me away, which it makes me kling harder because Im completely clueless what or why things are happend.

You don't understand why she does what she does.  But do you understand what you want for yourself, and if this is the kind of relationship you choose for yourself?

Of course she then says that Im smothering her them, She always says that I have control issues and to some degree she is right.

Are you looking for "control"?  Or are you looking for "commitment"?  They are not the same thing.

But she twist that around to saying Im to controlling.

Anything you do that she doesn't like, she might as well call "controlling."  What if you're suspecting that she's cheating on you.  And you take actions to find out if she is.  Then she calls that "controlling."  Shouldn't you call it "self-preservation."  It's not "controlling" if you're just trying to avoid having your heart broken.  And it sounds like she has not issue with breaking your heart so long as you are the one who "changes."

  I dont mind being here for her but I dont want to be used.

Define "being used."  If you don't know how she is using you, are you still being used?

Best wishes, Schwing

Smack! this hit me right in the face! right where I needed it. Really good summation!I will get this tatooed on the inside of my hand so I can smack myself in the forehead with it, maybe eventually It will drive itself in. SMILEY FACE EMOTICON.

[artman.1]

Mitch,
     I feel you need this one little fact, based on an experience that nearly hit home for me.  37 years ago my UBPDW was involved with her younger Sister, who was in the process of getting a divorce.  I am sure she is BPD as well as my wife.  She accused me of being a control freak and a Male Chauvanist Pig.  My UBPDW bought into all this and started going out with her Sister and friends to dance clubs, and filed for a divorce.  She was cheating on me at that time with the group of men that they met.  I counter filed and we went to court.  I forced Marriage Counceling.  The councelor discovered that she was convinced she would get everything, and explained that she would be suddenly on welfare and would get little, thus welfare would be much more controlling.  This scared her.  Her sister got her Divorce, got very little, and suddenly had nowhere to live.  She had to stay with us, and immediately as I thought, they were fighting because two women cannot live in a home together with a husband of one of them.  She immediately wanted to reconcile, and with three little sons, 3, 4, & 5 years old, I agreed.  Now the rest of the story:  My sister-in-law continued to play with multiple partners as usual with BPD's triangulating (read definition) and such.  About six months later, she found out she had AIDS that she cought from one boy friend who suddenly died.  This really changed her life, and she has suffered the AIDS disease ever since.  Her ex husband wes lucky that he dodged this bullet as she would have passed the AIDS onto him.  We need to be especially wary of these BPD behaviors or we could ger a death sentence accidentally.  BPD's do exhibit some really risky behaviors, and we need to protect ourselves.

Art

[BleedsOrange]

Like I said I needed to read this post. Today I got my first call in a while WHILE I AM AT WORK! cause thats what I need at work to talk about a failed relationship that wouldnt mess up my day. Didnt pick up got a text that said "call me" I texted "Is everything ok"

Get the I miss you stuf and a collection of pictures of the dogs and hiking and happy pants blah blah. Followed by how are you

I respond busy.

BLARRRRRGHGHHGHGHGHGHHGHG I still have a viseral feeling of fear when I see her name. Blocking seems cruel and shes not really harassing me bladdidy blah blah. I just wish there was a nice way to say, "I cant talk to you right now. I am hurt and still have feelings for you. No good will come for me by us talking. Its not malicious, but I need time to heal and focus on myself."

And by nice way, I mean a way in which she will not judge, demean, analyze or mock me. That leaves my only option as silence. I have never had to go to this in all my days with any of my friends. This sucks, but whatevs, back to work.

[BleedsOrange]

i shpould start this on a new thread. sorry for the attempted hijack