Children defending me

[Think About It....]

Hi this is the first time I've posted on this board   I am staying and uBPDw of 20 years is in extreme push I am painted black hole black.   
This is probably the first cycle that 19d and 17d have witnessed fully. Usually was while they were in rooms or sleeping.
I have  not discussed specifics with kids/young adults but have talked about safety and validation rage and appropriateness. Believe it or not they are both pretty well grounded probably got a few fleas but that's for them to work out w there future T

We have entered a new area to me   Wife is fine with girls ( they have usual ups and downs mother daughter stuff )  picture wife and daughter chatting away no problems I walk into room wife melts downs or goes to verge of rage. Then I leave she continues with child like nothing happened. Weird huh. Now same thing happening but this time d17 defends me  wife backs down. I have not coached or directed her to do this (like I said they are well grounded given their FO)
I am sort of proud of her on one level standing up to the bully but I am not sure she should get in the middle. Wife doesn't hold it against ds when they tell truth to power.
Any thoughts?

[desperate dutchman]

Hi this is the first time I've posted on this board   I am staying and uBPDw of 20 years is in extreme push I am painted black hole black.   
This is probably the first cycle that 19d and 17d have witnessed fully. Usually was while they were in rooms or sleeping.
I have  not discussed specifics with kids/young adults but have talked about safety and validation rage and appropriateness. Believe it or not they are both pretty well grounded probably got a few fleas but that's for them to work out w there future T

We have entered a new area to me   Wife is fine with girls ( they have usual ups and downs mother daughter stuff )  picture wife and daughter chatting away no problems I walk into room wife melts downs or goes to verge of rage. Then I leave she continues with child like nothing happened. Weird huh. Now same thing happening but this time d17 defends me  wife backs down. I have not coached or directed her to do this (like I said they are well grounded given their FO)
I am sort of proud of her on one level standing up to the bully but I am not sure she should get in the middle. Wife doesn't hold it against ds when they tell truth to power.
Any thoughts?

[Matt]

Well one questions is, how is D19 doing?  The second is, how is D17 doing?  And the third is, how is Dutchman doing?

From what you wrote, it sounds like D19 and D17 are both doing OK.  It's good to talk with them individually to ask about that - "Hey that was weird, how Mom blasted me, and you stood up for me, huh?  What do you think that was all about?"  Get each kid talking and see if they are OK or are troubled by it.  (My SD is 22 and she is deep in denial about her mother's BPD and destructive behavior.  But SD is doing OK - it bothers me but it doesn't seem to be a problem for SD - so I have to leave it alone, at least for now.)

Then there is you.  You start by saying, "I am staying", and I respect that.  Will you stay even after both kids are out of the house?  Are you planning to just put up with your wife's behavior forever?  Or is there some other idea about how the future might be better for you?  It may be stressful to look down the road and see yourself spending many years alone with someone who treats you badly...

[desperate dutchman]

Thanks Matt d19 is doing well a little absorbed with school and bf we talk often and she is more forthcoming. Both know it's weird D17 doesn't like to talk too much about it. Both have defended me because w starts getting disportional mad at little things. Kids correct her she can turn on them but usually doesn't. If she does turn on them I step back in set boundary and disengage   Hopefully the girls are learning by observation. As for me I hit rock bottom in my codependency I am able to see clearly for the first time in a long time.  Working at unwinding 20 years of wrong behavior on my part with my wife   As to the staying part...I am in part to balance out the kids ... I also still love my wife and focus on the 80% of my memories that are positive.  I reserve the right to change my mind (I share your concern once the kids are gone) I am also working at preparing the girls for interacting with mom as young adults and the potential that  no one knows where this road will lead. I am working very hard at the lessons and I am going to give it my best shot yet I am capable of going down the road alone or with someone else

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)