Validating help

[Think About It...]

This is my first post in quite some time.

My pwBPD and I have been married 8 years and together for 14.
I have been living with my uncle for the past 30 days for
A variety of reasons, but principally because the abuse that was going on in
The house was not good for our11 year old son.

She is 100%  undiagnosed as BPD, I am virtually certain.

She maintains she is leaving me to the point of packing lots of
Boxes, but I say it could go either way, leaning towards thinking she
Will be extending the time frame.  Nonetheless, she maintains that she is leaving me.

So here is the question:  I have set up a very expensive consultation meeting today
About what I/we should do about our house that
Is underwater.  She is furious about this, saying how I should be including her in this and I have no right and I'm breaking the law and how this certainly doesn't show that I ever included her as a wife and on and on.

My reasons are straightforward:  she has said that we are through so many time
That this really is for me and straightening out my mess
And two, and really most important, there is no way I'm paying $400
An hour to a real estate attorney only to watch my wife bring
In some sort of personal attract in to this, or even worse, a vulgar name tirade.

The lawyer say she isn't required to be there and there's nothing being signed.

My guesses on her feelings- jealousy is 75% of it, with feeling left out, and feeling deserted being the others.

What I'm doing today helps everybody in all scenarios, it keeps us out of foreclosure and even raises her support payments if we split, or it's the step one in a overhaul of our finances if we can mend our relationship.  I tried mightily to show the win-win but I'm just called self serving and that if this were true I'd be taking her with me as my wife.

"but you're 99.9% leaving" I say

It's a lot of jealousy,I know, she knows I'm doing something smart that won't benefit her in immediate terms, and she does not trust.  So what do I validate?  The goal is to frame it as best so it can't be twisted.  I hate being twisted!

Simple help would be greatly appreciated.

[Imperfect game]

This is my first post in quite some time.

My pwBPD and I have been married 8 years and together for 14.
I have been living with my uncle for the past 30 days for
A variety of reasons, but principally because the abuse that was going on in
The house was not good for our11 year old son.

She is 100%  undiagnosed as BPD, I am virtually certain.

She maintains she is leaving me to the point of packing lots of
Boxes, but I say it could go either way, leaning towards thinking she
Will be extending the time frame.  Nonetheless, she maintains that she is leaving me.

So here is the question:  I have set up a very expensive consultation meeting today
About what I/we should do about our house that
Is underwater.  She is furious about this, saying how I should be including her in this and I have no right and I'm breaking the law and how this certainly doesn't show that I ever included her as a wife and on and on.

My reasons are straightforward:  she has said that we are through so many time
That this really is for me and straightening out my mess
And two, and really most important, there is no way I'm paying $400
An hour to a real estate attorney only to watch my wife bring
In some sort of personal attract in to this, or even worse, a vulgar name tirade.

The lawyer say she isn't required to be there and there's nothing being signed.

My guesses on her feelings- jealousy is 75% of it, with feeling left out, and feeling deserted being the others.

What I'm doing today helps everybody in all scenarios, it keeps us out of foreclosure and even raises her support payments if we split, or it's the step one in a overhaul of our finances if we can mend our relationship.  I tried mightily to show the win-win but I'm just called self serving and that if this were true I'd be taking her with me as my wife.

"but you're 99.9% leaving" I say

It's a lot of jealousy,I know, she knows I'm doing something smart that won't benefit her in immediate terms, and she does not trust.  So what do I validate?  The goal is to frame it as best so it can't be twisted.  I hate being twisted!

Simple help would be greatly appreciated.

[desperate dutchman]

Sorry you are going through this... I know that you can validate her emotions. My wife is VERY tied emotionally to our house.  Its her nest, security, ect ect so if it doesnt look right it is source of tirades, 

We have lost a homes (twice due to crazy landlords)  in the past and she has had incredible anxiety and rage over it . Still brings it up when raging even though she knows that it wasnt our fault when not raging. 

Financial issues are tough in a normal non relationship.  I am probably being a little stereotypical but women in general place high emotional stakes in the home so it must be that much worse for the BPD wife.

I had to do all the heavy lifting with the hard financial issues (still do ) and yet my wife handles the day to day  finances very well. Yet she couldnt make a hard financial decision to save her life. 

Try validating the emotions  using SET .   

[united for now]

Exactly... you can validate how scary this all must be for her, since it is scary to face tough financial difficulties.

I don't think casting blame is a good idea though 

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