Am I really detaching in this way?

[Think About It...]

Push&pull cycles were very common in my ex relationship. After an extreme push&pull cycle of 5 months I want to detach. Our communication is so disturbed and I can not stand any way of communication with the girl I love and want to spent my life with. My plan is to stay in NC for at least a couple of months. Unfortunately, I hope that we can communicate again after those months and that we will be together again. Probably that is the strongest reason why I want to detach. Am I really detaching in this way? I also hope that with a few months of NC, I will feel that I do not want to be with her anymore, because it will always be an unhealthy relationship.   

[BPD_Partner]

Push&pull cycles were very common in my ex relationship. After an extreme push&pull cycle of 5 months I want to detach. Our communication is so disturbed and I can not stand any way of communication with the girl I love and want to spent my life with. My plan is to stay in NC for at least a couple of months. Unfortunately, I hope that we can communicate again after those months and that we will be together again. Probably that is the strongest reason why I want to detach. Am I really detaching in this way? I also hope that with a few months of NC, I will feel that I do not want to be with her anymore, because it will always be an unhealthy relationship.   

[forgottenarm]

I can totally relate to the push-pull thing.  I'm two months into our 4th break-up (in 5 years), weathering much frantic contact, and the cycle seems unending.

I, too, wonder what will happen down the road, but I find it easier to take one day at a time.  From what you've written, it sounds like you're seeing a lot of dysfunction and feeling awful.  That tells me that NC is a good idea, at least for now, regardless of what happens next.  Try to let go of the outcome and figure you'll know the right thing to do at each stage and whatever happens will be the right outcome.  Just worry about this moment and then see what happens.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[GreenMango]

These relationships can really mess with our own thinking and judgement.  I know I had a lot of FOG (Fear, obligation, and guilt) controlling my decisions and affecting my feelings.

The detachment you are talking about is a great way to start to see the relationship in greater perspective.

You mentioned possibly going back after taking this break to heal.  Doing that means learning some different communication tools for the relationship and often with people with BPD (pwBPD) absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder.

Do you feel a bit undecided at this time?  It's ok to be undecided, most of us here can relate to those feelings at one time or another.

GM

[BPD_Partner]

I went to my T today and she said that NC to eventually come together is not detaching, and that with this in mind it is very unlikely that I will stay strong enough for NC. She also said that detaching and NC should be mine decision, but I feel that I am forced to be in NC, because otherwise I get too much pain. I do not want to detach at all, but I also do not want more pain. NC seems the only solution. I am very confused_

[GreenMango]

I've moved your topic to undecided because the lessons (over on the right hand side near the top) for Choosing a Path may help you sort through those mixed emotions.

When we go no contact its to protect ourselves.  It is hard and we can feel very weak in the beginning.

Have you checked out the lessons before?

GM

[BPD_Partner]

Dear greenmango,

I understand your suggestion and yes I have red the lessons. The problem is that I feel forced to avoid every contact. I want to grow old with her, but it is simply not possible. I have decided to detach.

I think all my hope got lost yesterday and that I am starting to accept that the rs is and will ever be over. I have never experienced so much pain before, not even when she told me about an affair she was having. Which she sometimes denies, so I am not sure if she really had an affair. She just enjoys pushing my buttons.

Unfortunately, I am still not angry at her. Hopefully, she is in another rs, that is what I think because she is for the first time not stalking me. If she would seek contact with me, I would most likely fall for her again. I hope I will grow stronger the coming days, and if she ever seeks contact again that I can just ignore her.

My heart is broken...

[GreenMango]

Maybe it would help to list out your FOG (fears, obligation, and guilt)

If you want you can do that here.  It may help to write it out.

GM