she is on strike

[Think About It...]

Need a little feedback uBPDw is pushing me away for a variety of reasons (see some of my other posts) anyway the last one is I apparently insulted her cooking (she is great a natural) so she has stopped cooking for me earlier she stopped sleeping w me and doing laundry and communicating civilly...realistically she is on strike from me! I work two jobs to make ends meet come home make dinner for everyone and then do my laundry all without disengaging from the family (kinda hard)  Kids are late teens /young adults  they are leading thier own lives (youngest is sort of trapped with w while school is out)

I generally try not to  think negative but in this case I am wondering if I am rewarding bad behavior I need to feed the kids but wife is watching tv or on computer while i make it ..Thought about going out for dinner by myself or with friends  and leaving family to fend for themselves. w would take care of it she is not that dyfunctional she is doing everything as long as it doesnt involve me ..  I am trying to live my life without it bothering me ... but not sure if this is resentment or not rewarding her ...I think about serving hot dogs every night or cooking for the kids and not including her...that seems too vindictave... open to suggestions and similar experiences?

[desperate dutchman]

Need a little feedback uBPDw is pushing me away for a variety of reasons (see some of my other posts) anyway the last one is I apparently insulted her cooking (she is great a natural) so she has stopped cooking for me earlier she stopped sleeping w me and doing laundry and communicating civilly...realistically she is on strike from me! I work two jobs to make ends meet come home make dinner for everyone and then do my laundry all without disengaging from the family (kinda hard)  Kids are late teens /young adults  they are leading thier own lives (youngest is sort of trapped with w while school is out)

I generally try not to  think negative but in this case I am wondering if I am rewarding bad behavior I need to feed the kids but wife is watching tv or on computer while i make it ..Thought about going out for dinner by myself or with friends  and leaving family to fend for themselves. w would take care of it she is not that dyfunctional she is doing everything as long as it doesnt involve me ..  I am trying to live my life without it bothering me ... but not sure if this is resentment or not rewarding her ...I think about serving hot dogs every night or cooking for the kids and not including her...that seems too vindictave... open to suggestions and similar experiences?

[yeeter]

Hi Dutch,

Have you asked her directly what is going on? 

You can't really make her cook ( or clean or talk to you or anything else for that matter ).  All you can do is decide how you want to behave given her actions.  Kudos that you are reaching out to calibrate on a mature way to respond vs just petty tit for tat.

Clearly she is upset.  Maybe state this, ask what she is feeling ( don't apologize or JADE ).  If you insulted her then apologize for that ( dont overdo it ).  Validate. But it's her decision if she ever speaks to you again, so maybe make some adjustments as if she won't ( sounds like she is making a point.  You got it.  Now to decide how to move forward)

Or maybe she is suffering so much inside that she is unable to engage ( see silent treatment article mentioned in another thread here)

If no engagement, then you will have to figure out how to live without her interaction.  This means involving the kids in laundry and cooking ( pretend you are living there without her, as it sounds like is the case ).  Also don't be afraid to go do things yourself while she is in this mode.

[united for now]

What is "she" saying about all of this?

[desperate dutchman]

This is in part her effort to have me make a list of my sins (see my previous thread) I really think that she is using shock and awe as part of a extinguishment burst. She is hitting me with everything she got I'm not biting (I nibbled a couple times but she couldn't set the hook)  . I am spending time with you folks and hanging out with non virtual friends. It's our interactions she is hostile and I am detached?probably better described as ignoring behavior and acting like I can't hear the bad and only respond to civil discourse. I don't think I have mentioned it before but she is educator working with special needs   Many of our skills she uses with her students daily. It's like playing chess with world champion. (no I am not trying to win its just the best descriptive analogy I can think of right now ). She is really hurting and I suspect it has nothing to do with whAt she says is bothering her. But I am not a mind reader she needs to tell me what she needs. I have read the silent treatment articles   I always appreciate the reality checks thanks

[o2bz14u]

Open to suggestions and similar experiences?

Here is one suggestion...Stop cooking for those kids. You say they are young adults/late teens. They certainly know how to operate a frying pan. Where do they get off thinking  "they are leading their own lives " (as you put it) and have no responsibility to the household. Not only can they cook for themselves they should have dinner ready for you when you come home from your 12 hour workday. Everyone can do their own laundry. Take turns cleaning shared rooms and be responsible for their own rooms.  And no, this is not "vindictive". It is how most households operate.

[united for now]

Playing by her rules over 20 years didn't make your relationship healthy or happy. So why would it now?

She may not like the changes you are practicing, not following her demands. It is a much healthier path to follow, though I do know how difficult it can be and how hopeless it can seem.

Believe in yourself 

[desperate dutchman]

Thanks for the thoughts just to clarify o2bz4u The oldest doesnt get home from school/studies/work ussually until very late 10pm. The youngest is w mom all day and I am doing my best that she is not used as a pawn by her mother.  The kid/s do chores (they clean up  after I cook) and I described them as "leading their own lives" The more they are stuck in the house the more they are subjected to moms micro management... I do not want them to become codependant on thier mother.  Mom is only on strike w me not the kids although she occassionally lashes out at them

Going back to my question am I rewarding wifes bad behavior by including her in the meals?

[yeeter]

I dont know Dutch.

Here is my thought process when going through these things (but I dont always have such great success, so might not be the best to listen to)

I try to treat her how I want to be treated.  Take the high road, so to speak, as much as possible.

So if you were cooking and she was there this would mean cooking for everyone.  (I know -she isnt doing the same in return and doing something for someone else and expecting reciprocity is part of co-dependency).  But making it a battle doesnt work for me.  ASKING directly for what you want (acknowledge and validate that she is hurting first). 

Ultimately its about deciding what YOU will do if she stays in this mode.  It has to be about going on with living your life, and not allowing her behavior to put you in gridlock mode.

Maybe I will shut up now and listen to others advice...

[desperate dutchman]

Thanks Yeeter I am on the high road and just getting a reality check ...I am not excluding her and I am not fawning over her... real nice not pretend nice...

I think the problem is that when I try to validate,she sees,  it blocks it, by starting in on we can't heal until I make a  "list of my sins" (we have discussed in other thread)  and I have decided that I am not going there

Just gotta keep pluggin along

[shatra]

Hi---
 You wrote--
Going back to my question am I rewarding wifes bad behavior by including her in the meals?

   ____No, it sounds positive. It would be very negative to cook for "some" family members and not include another member. I feel angry about reading this, since it has been done to me in the past. I would imagine that a full-blown pwBPD would be proviked even more by being excluded.
   It must be difficult for you, handling all this while working 2 jobs! Hopefully with some more validation, she will come around and pitch in more to hlep out.

Take care,.

Shatra

[isilme]

dutchman,

If your W is in a long-term rage/silent rage/pouting-eating-worms mindset, then it's really too late for any validation.  So be polite, be kind in a natural way as you say you are... and leave her to her moodiness.  

my BPDBF is pretty unreliable as to when he will or won't help out around the house.  At best, I can say he does his own laundry, and when we have guests coming, he will get motivated to help clean up an hour before.  I will give him credit for trying more than ever to get over his hoarding tendencies and work on completing projects - after 16 years SOME of his poor executive function and its consequences are becoming more evident to him, but the ability to tackle it is often spotty, and very dependent on his emotions, with one day being a flurry of activity to finish 10 years work in an afternoon, and the other 5 days will have no progress or work.

 
He's finally after about a decade of dropping out of college realizing he needs to finally take that last class and get the degree he's got so many hours (and loans) towards.  He's finally, after 7 years of unemployment, working.  And so he's making progress, but a lot will always fall on me.  So it's radical acceptance time.

I graduated 'on-time' after 5 years of college and have been working 40+ hours a week, often 60+ during some years, to support us.  I was still the one who cooked, cleaned, went to the store, and took care of apartment and housing repairs, car repairs and pets.  I don't have kids, but we do have 3 animals - not that it's the same, but I do pretty much 90% of the animal care, from feeding, watering to poop and terrarium cleaning (turtle and cats).  

I do all the yard work and a large, large part of the house work, all my own laundry, and often, because it's in my way, some of his.  

And given how I was tired, worked so many hours, and felt upset about being 'taken advantage of' while he played video and computer games all day and often went out at night, I had a lot of resentment.  And resentment is one of the worst things to feel in an r/s.

Luckily, when I was almost at my breaking point, baby step #1 - a PT job came up, and helped me feel he was trying, but somehow handicapped.

Anyway, the point I am rambling to you is that single or married, in an r/s or alone, we have things we'd need to do at home.  It's be so great and wonderful for the person at home, or the person with the shortest working day, to take on a greater part of child rearing and/or cleaning ad cooking.  But if you lived alone, or were a single parent, you'd be doing it all, anyway.  So that's how I deal with my frustration most of the time - I remember that while it is  not fair, I care more about making sure certain things (dishes) get cleaned.  And if I lived alone, I'd still be doing this much work (maybe fewer dishes, but the cats would still poop as much :P)

So when your W goes off the deep end, and forgets you are a partnership and is not emotionally capable of holding up to her share of things, it WILL fall on you, as much as that sucks.  So let things slide that can slide, and take care of those that can't.  Ask the kids for help within their ability - I was too young to be cooking at age 7-10, but anyone over 14 should be able to get a simple dinner started (hamburger helper can be cooked by almost anyone).  Hopefully, they do their own laundry by this age, too, and clean up after themselves.  Let them know you could use a hand around the house now and then, and then let things that can be ignored until the W gets over her tantrum slide.

One of the worst things you can do is try to talk to an emotionally dysregulated person and hope they will see reason, or that your words can snap them out of it.  It just feeds the fire and wastes your time.  Even if she is not screaming, shouting, crying or obviously raging, it does not mean she is not raging.  My BF goes through 'silent rages pretty often, sometimes it's his attempt to calm down, other times he's just ruminating for hours/days and so I pretty much leave him be, am polite, say good morning, hello, good night, and inquire if he wants to eat what I've cooked for myself for dinner.  And then I go about doing what I want/need to do.  

And no, showing simple courtesy is not rewarding your W.  It's being a human being who cares about his W.  Just because she is being difficult, and trying to bait you into raging back at her, to 'justify' her own anger retroactively, does not mean you have to do it.

[o2bz14u]

Thanks for the thoughts just to clarify o2bz4u...

Going back to my question am I rewarding wifes bad behavior by including her in the meals?

Thank you. That does clarify things. The kids have responsibilities outside of the house; school/work. And they do pitch in somewhat. They are not just "hanging out" "doing their own thing" working on that tricky skateboard flip.


I worry though that you working two jobs and taking on so much at home you will burn out eventually. Maybe the kids will just have to pitch in a little more for a while.


I don't think you are "rewarding" your wife's behavior by cooking for everyone. I mean if you make a casserole or a pot roast everyone eats it right? You're going to be making it anyway no matter how many people eat it. If you portion food out on plates leaving none for her it will just create more ill will.

Take an evening or two just for yourself and go out to eat with friends. You say wife will cook for the family if you are gone. Right? The kids can figure out how to push the buttons on a microwave if they need to. This should go smooth if you just announce that "Tuesdays are your night out and you won't be available to cook for everyone." (Maybe it will go smooth. One never knows with BPD.)   If your personal time is scheduled and everyone kows in advance proper preparations can be made by them. This would be better than a surprise declarative a half hour before dinnertime like "I'm outta here. I don't care anymore." and then peeling rubber in the driveway. (I'm not accusing you of immature behavior. This is just hyperbole.)


Like Yeeter said...Take the high road.

But make sure you schedule time for yourself.

[desperate dutchman]

Thanks o2bz4u and isilme. I think one of the hardest bits for me to wrap my head around is that when she isnt off the deep end she is "normal" great mother (nothing like the momsters described on the other boards) a caring wife (although maybe its an act to blend in as "normal") and our episodes are not cycles of weeks on weeks off but day or two every few months and  huge explosions few years last one this big was 6 or so  years ago.  I know that she is journaling and doing self affirmations... thats good .. I hope...

I am trying to ride the storm out...
I have looked at the parenting board a few times and I do not relate to the posts there.  They all are in a space where thier pwBPD is very immature.  Still trying out the best way to talk to our kids about it...Asking open ended questions ...

[isilme]

Talking to the kids depends a lot on their ages.  And though it will sound strange, a lot of BPD parenting quirks can come out even when not actively raging - there are lots of times when the parent with BPD will just simply be confusing and inconsistent, like one week it's okay to watch TV after school, and the next you've 'always' been told to do homework first.  And kids pick up on more than adults realize, and often will take the strangeness to heart and blame themselves unconsciously. 

So while adults tend to brush off weird things from their spouses until a rage hits, kids get conflicting messages in kind tones, and are often trying to puzzle it out themselves.  Simply going from a lovey-huggy-mom one day to a distant, quiet one the next can trigger feelings of guilt, even without a large scene.  Look over the Dealing with Relatives boards, and while you will see some things that are obvious - beating, nasty verbal abuse, neglect, you will also see strange backhanded compliments, confusing role reversals, black and white painting of children, evidence of the parent's inability to see the child as a person and instead treatment as a toy or a doll to be taken out when wanted, railed against when individuality is shown, and ignored when inconvenient to their emotional state, etc.  I'm speaking as a survivor of a childhood with two BPD parents.  Not all abuse left bruises or involved shouting.  Plenty was simply in my mom and dad not knowing what was and was not appropriate for a child, from TV to lewd jokes, to talking openly about their sex life and treating me as their de-facto marriage counselor, housekeeper as soon as I was tall enough, and then put back into my 'toybox' when having a kid was too stressful. 

As adults, we have more options to 'get out of Dodge' when things turn sour, and hopefully have developed some skills and thick skin over our lifetimes to help deal with the potential pain and hurt that can come from a chosen relationship with a person with BPD.  By chosen I mean, that it will be hard but not impossible to leave, but  we choose to stay.

Kids can't do this, and don't have skills they haven't learned from home or school, don't have a lifetime to build upon to deal with the strangeness in mom or dad's behavior.  Kids take mom and dad's word for TRUTH for a long time.  And when mom or dad's truth changes with the state of his or her emotions, this can be VERY confusing for a kid, and it can take till your 30 to have the words to both understand it was strange and to express it. 

It sounds like some of your kids, save the youngest, feel better spending time away from Mom, and being busy outside the house - I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but that it's good they at least have an escape.  Maybe it'd be good to see about putting the youngest (not sure how old) into Scouts or something that can provide an after school reprieve.  Or a study group, after school music practice (choir needs no instrument rentals).  This could help prevent too much enmeshment. 

[desperate dutchman]

Thanks Isilme sorry d19 and d17 .Younger does get out to babysit and teach at vaction bible school. My wife doesnt fit into the description you gave.  If I had to describe her as parent she is a helicopter parent that is micromanaging the kids... always looking out for thier best interest... She has never raged at the kids only at me... although i am blamed if any of their behaviour is unacceptable to her ... She does get disproportionally mad at them but holds back from the rage