Called cops on suicide threat

[Think About It...]

If she threatens to harm herself or others, then calling 911 is the right thing to do. That's the bottom line. Whether she blames you or not.

If she creates an emergency situation, then you call emergency services.

If she doesn't want that, then she can choose not to create the emergency situation.

 Exactly.

And if you struggle with this...what if...

What if you do not call because you fear her reaction and she dies from her attempt?

Think about that...who are you protecting if you do not call? Her? or you? Who has the most to lose? You, or her? If you do nothing and she dies, does it matter that she is not angry at you? Who are you going to blame, if you dont call, for not doing everything you could have?

This is an illness that affects us, but is NOT about us..

Steph

[Steph]

If she threatens to harm herself or others, then calling 911 is the right thing to do. That's the bottom line. Whether she blames you or not.

If she creates an emergency situation, then you call emergency services.

If she doesn't want that, then she can choose not to create the emergency situation.

 Exactly.

And if you struggle with this...what if...

What if you do not call because you fear her reaction and she dies from her attempt?

Think about that...who are you protecting if you do not call? Her? or you? Who has the most to lose? You, or her? If you do nothing and she dies, does it matter that she is not angry at you? Who are you going to blame, if you dont call, for not doing everything you could have?

This is an illness that affects us, but is NOT about us..

Steph

[Validation78]

Hi again Aida and All!
   If I may add, this is a good example of where we codependents, caught up in the FOG get ourselves into trouble! We take responsibility for the choices of someone else. I used to see things the way you do Aida, I felt fear, obligation and guilt for h's well being, and sure that he couldn't mean what he was saying, that he would never hurt himself, not really knowing what he was capable of. He knew how to manipulate me, and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. Now, he knows the tables have turned. I have proven to him that I am not playing by the old rules, and he does not seem to be willing to take the risk that I am serious about calling the police, so the threats have stopped. He has choices, just like the rest of us, and if he chooses to threaten to hurt himself, he chooses the consequences as well. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for his choices. I will not allow myself to feel guilty about doing the right thing in this situation, and I will not second guess myself ever again! I hope this helps you to see where we tend to participate in the dysfunctional dance as it is called here!

Best Wishes,
Val78

[Aida]

Steph, that's the point: there never was a restraining order. The police lied. Hard to trust a system which is deceitful. I think they did it to scare her. It worked. Im terrified too. Ive been down this road before. Remember? My sister is dead. When a person wants to die, and they are mentally Ill with nowhere to go, they stop threatening. They quietly go somewhere, slit their wrists without a peep, because they trust no one anymore.

I will contemplate your advise. I just feel so f----ed up right now and don't know who to trust. I just need a breather. I feel myself dysregulating.

[Steph]

Steph, that's the point: there never was a restraining order. The police lied. Hard to trust a system which is deceitful. I think they did it to scare her. It worked. Im terrified too. Ive been down this road before. Remember? My sister is dead. When a person wants to die, and they are mentally Ill with nowhere to go, they stop threatening. They quietly go somewhere, slit their wrists without a peep, because they trust no one anymore.

I will contemplate your advise. I just feel so f----ed up right now and don't know who to trust. I just need a breather. I feel myself dysregulating.

 She needs a safety plan. One hopefully designed with a therapist and shared with you.

Its NOT ok that you are the person that is being manipulated with threats of suicide. Ive been there, too...So she has to have a plan made with a therapist of what to do when this happens, and who to call and when to head for the hospital.

  Its time for a break for you and I hope you are doing that. There has been alot of damage to you around this. What does your T think?

[Auspicious]

When a person wants to die, and they are mentally Ill with nowhere to go, they stop threatening. They quietly go somewhere, slit their wrists without a peep, because they trust no one anymore.

If you are saying that "when she threatens, it's not an emergency, because people who are really going to do it don't threaten" ... well, not always.

My wife's life was literally saved at least twice because I took her threats seriously, and called for help. (Both of those times she was unresponsive and needed a ventilator, one of the times she was taken to hospital by helicopter.)

I will contemplate your advise. I just feel so f----ed up right now and don't know who to trust. I just need a breather. I feel myself dysregulating.

That's why you need to call for help when she threatens, instead of trying to "handle it" yourself.

Watch out for the fallacy of the false alternative ... the alternative to calling for help isn't "we handle it smoothly and she trusts me and everything is great." You know from experience that isn't what happens.

[Aida]

Steph,

obviously, I have a big problem with this or I would not be so threatened by yours and others advice on how to handle her suicide threats.  I took a breather and now I'm back.

The problem is that I don't have a safety plan. My SO refuses to seek therapy nor have I ever mentioned the possibility of BPD; that would be a dead end for sure. That possible diagnosis came from my therapist. After all the reading I've done, I think so too. So has abandonment issues, sexual abuse, self-harming, ect..

The only safety plan I have is 911. After reading Auspicious' story, I guess I have not choice but to do it again. My safety plan is to call the small town police station who is known for their dislike of people of a certain orientation (how's that, to put it mildly?)  I understand that I have no other choice.

i need help from a therapist who can help me, if I am going to survive this relationship.  The one I was seeing made it very obvious that she did not like my SO, but it wasn't until she met her. Although my SO is brilliant, kind, and creative, she seems to be devoid of all social graces, especially when she's nervous. She comes off brash and contrary. Once, when she started to dysregulate, she stormed out of my therapist's office.

I understand that my therapist gave me good advice about calling 911, but there is so much damage in the relationship, between the three of us.  Is it cowardly of me to bow out of therapy with a woman who thinks I should leave this relationship? How do people find a good fit? Steph, I want to take that boulder off my back, but I just don't know how.

[Aida]

Steph,

She also has those experiences where she loses time, when she doesn't remember what happened.  Those times are fewer in the ten years I've known her, but she still has them.  It's like she goes somewhere else.

Also, she says she can't go to therapy because any psychologist would just advise her to leave me because I am the problem.

[Steph]

 I think that you have to consider why your T wants you to leave.

What are her reasons?

Her job is to advocate for you and your mental health.

[Aida]

She once said she was worried I would suicide if she did. I guess I better go back to her.

[Aida]

What would it do to the relationship if I go back secretly to the therapist?

[Aida]

She also said she manipulates me.

[Aida]

She also said what you did, that it is her job to advocate for my mental health.

[Steph]

 You need to do the right thing for you.

If your SO is unhappy, then she is.

" I will take care of myself, from this day forward. I will get medical care, dental care, mental health help for myself. I will exercise, eat right and treat myself with respect. This will be my number one priority"

 If you like your therapist, if you have a good relationship with her, and if the only reason you dont want to see her is because of your partner, then do continue seeing her.  Your partner doesnt get to call who your therapist is..nor do you, her.

  Share this dilemma with the T and you and she work it out.

  Not disclosing is something I did when things were horrible at my house, for awhile. I dont think it made a difference, but me getting stronger surely did.Thats a GOOD thing.


Steph

 

[Aida]

steph,

One thing I appreciate is your repect regarding my decision to stay. It is the reason I signed up to be a part of this community, on this forum.

I plan to do exactly what you have advised, and I will repeat those words in my head like they are a mantra, and place them on my heart.

I will go back to the therapaist and share what has happened.

When I share here on this board, I am so consumed with finding solutions to the crisis, so I can see why a reader might wonder why I choose to stay.

I stay because she is soulmate. There is no greater feeling than her love. She and I share an artist's life together that is magic. I shared my feelings for her with Star, and she understood. There is nothing on this earth like feeling understand. I guess that is why validating works so will with our loved ones.

I am not going anywhere. I am fully 100% commited.

Today we will pack up our paints, grab a coffee, and drive into the desert canyons. We we paint the rocks, with the red dirt between our toes, the pungent smell of juniper trees wafting through our noses, growing stronger in the afternoon heat of the desert sun, and the dance of our painting will begin. We will talk for hours while dipping our brushes into our palettes, but time will stand still. Then my partner will remind me it's time to stop because she takes care of me. I have an incurable disease called nueropathy and only she knows just how far I can push myself. It will be time to travel back to our little Georgia O keefe- like room at the inn, for  an siesta and bit of yoga.

I have decided to stay. Thank you, Steph, for respecting my decision.

[Aida]

Good news, I forgot to tell you. She has an appointment with her psychiastrist next week. She failed to tell me that he had increased her dosage of amitriptiline two days before the suicide attempt. She is more stable now and able to acknowlege that I did the best thing I knew how, which was to call 911. She told me this last night. She is calm and her thinking is rational. No raging. She is stable, for now.

[Aida]

Steph,

 I read your post to Mary and I was very moved on so many levels. You are so intelligent, yet you have spiraled down to that same deep dark abyss of mental illness that the rest of us have. Your journey has not been easy, but for you to say that your H is cured of BPD is remarkable.

How I long for my loved one to willingly sign up for the DBT therapy. Since she won't seek therapy of any kind, and since she thinks our problems are because of me, I am left with only myself.

After seeing my own long thread of desperation, I am more lost than before. I wish I was like Mary, and I could just pick up my bloody heart, pack up my cat, and say Im leaving in the morning. She is decisive. I am a fool. Her self-esteem is intact, and mine is bottomed out. I'm totally co-dependent. I don't know if I love her or if she is like an addiction I just cannot stop.

I had so looked forward to this trip as it is usually a place of healing for both of us. It started out so nice. We started out talking endlessly during the five hour drive. Now I am angry, bitter, and drained. I've listened to her ramble on relentlessly about her feelings of despair and pain, and now I am at saturation point. I've done all the reading and I know what I have been for her: the rescuer, whether it's her life, her finances, or her emotional well being.

 I see myself as a wounded, confused, enabler. I have been a fool for ten years. My own childhood was a mess, my family dysfunctional, and for some reason, I thought I could open my arms to someone more sick than myself. Yes, she is there for me on so many levels, my illness, the emotional connection, our love of writing and art, but there is always the monster of agony hiding around the corner. Maybe it's my life who is at risk. I've been trying so hard for so long. I just want peace.


Honestly, since she will never read these words, I am going to write them down: if I had it to do all over again, I never would have returned her phone call or responded to her letter ten years ago.

Steph, do you think there is any hope?

[Steph]

 Yes, of course there is hope.

 No matter what she does, you absolutely can get to where you are living a happy, satified, complete life..with or without her.
That is under your control 100%.


Easy? Not in the least. Worth it? Definately.

  It might help to know that both my H and I value our own mental health above all else that we agreed that if we dont work together and are dysfunctional, that we would rather separate than be where were once were, before recovery.we would rather be apart than back to the crazy stuff we once had. I think that says alot...it says that being healthy is what feels best and works best in our lives.

 You can get healthy without her cooperation in her own therapy. You might get to a place where it makes sense to separate from her, for a time, like my H did, and allow her the opportunity to get better. I think she is counting on you staying stuck and codependant, relying on the fact that you are there for her, no matter what and no matter how bad things are. When you start to change, she may decide its time to get better, as well.

I think that is a reasonable hope..and at the very least, healing for you is available.

Steph

[Maryiscontrary]

Aida, one thing that helps me so much is to remember this.

Everybody has their right to enjoy, nurture, and protect their proverbial piece of human real estate. Do you understand what I mean? Everyone has the right to pursue a peaceful existence, if they choose. You have this absolute right, Aida. You can be compassionate about protecting that right. You can be skillful, and respond with wisdom with setting the terms on how you want to manage your piece of human real estate.

Sometimes others are just not on the same path. They are caught somehow in this cycle of hell where they will not cherish their personal piece of human real estate.  They will likely not cherish yours...it is their problem, not yours.

Aida, I was very, very screwed up and was written off. Could not regulated my thoughts or emotions. I am absolutely symptom free, but I have to protect my real estate to maintain it.

So if I can do it, so can you.

[Aida]

Mary,

I hope you decide to stay with us, even if you are no longer with your husband. If you decide to jump the fence to the other board (recovering from a relationship...) will tell me, so I can find you?

Your very first post reeled me in because you were coming from a scientific background. You were looking at the BPD from brain based theories or "musings" that helped me to see my SO and her brain in a more organic way. Some of her behavior she cannot help. You are right, and i promise you I will learn from your story, that I must take care of "my own piece of real estate."

My question to you is, how did you get your emotions and thoughts under control while you were in the relationship? Is that when you moved out?

keep in touch,
Aida

[Blazing Star]

Aida,

So sorry to hear that your time in the desert has been tough! It sounds like you are going through a lot of pain and soul searching too.
I know it is hard, but also it is Wonderful that you have this awareness, and that you can see your part in it, and the potential for you to walk an Amazing Healing path is Huge!

I wish that your Beloved will find and walk her path to healing too, but that is her responsibility alone. And for you to support her, you need to be in the best space you can be.

Like the others have said you must look after Number One - that's Aida!
She is a worthy and valuable soul in her own right.
Do whatever it takes to nurture yourself, even the littlest things (may sound silly, but when I was in a really down place a few years ago, I couldn't even think about doing nice things for myself, I just felt in Pain. So I made a tiny doable commitment to myself, and this was having a daily cup of herbal tea, and sitting with it and saying before i sipped "Gentle balm soothe my heart, bring to me your healing art" - it was such a tiny thing, but felt very nurturing, and was all I could manage).

So find whatever is your cup of tea, slow down, remember to breathe.
Keep working with your therapist.
There is much hope, and you have a strength inside you that has carried you this far.

Love Blazing Star xx